My mother has informed me I am to be disinherited

[Piecatcher]

This afternoon I phoned my parents (spoke to my mum) to ask about arrangements for Father’s Day this weekend. Before I could speak, she told me that she is going to her lawyers this afternoon to sign her will. Apparently I’ve not to expect anything but my sister and my 2 sons will be very well looked after.

I am unsure what to do with this information. I am incredibly upset at being cast aside like this but not because of the lack of money. I find it so hurtful that my parents think so little of me that they would do this and given that we have a good relationship and are in regular contact I don’t understand why. She made a similar statement a few years ago and when I asked her why she was doing this, she told me that all I care about is money and called me mean and selfish. I’ve tried speaking to my dad who tells me I’m too sensitive and my mum is only joking.

How should I proceed with this? There have been many other similar incidents over the years and I’m now considering cutting contact as I find it hard to deal with the hurt and confusion her comments cause. AIBU reasonable to do this? How should I proceed?

Who the fuck says that to their children, joke or no joke. It’s nasty. I could never imagine deliberately wanting to hurt my child like that.

Just in case you are in Scotland, she can't completely disinherit you. It's illegal to completely disinherit children there (or so i heard a lawyer say on the radio).

Not that I guess that is the point. Sorry OP.

she told me that it was all just a joke

i struggle to see how its funny though. genuinely. what part of "we are disinheriting you" is funny or even slightly comical?

You will never receive an apology. She clearly enjoys hurting you though and thinks she has power over you by using her Will. I would stay NC. Let the more cherished sister look after her in her dotage.

It's not a joke and she knows it. Take the power back.

My partner's CF stepmother promised to disinherit him because he was 1/2 an hour late due to a train strike.
This sounds so horrible and hurtful. I think I would cease contact. It's cruel. I hate the way people control others over inheritances.

Maybe you should go round your parents and discuss how, when they get too old to look after themselves, you’ll take your father in but your mother is most definitely going into a home. Y’know, for a joke. Because it’s just as funny. Shits and giggles.

Just read your updates. My Dad was like this. Exactly like this (though not over inheritance as they were broke). I eventually went no contact. It's not an easy choice to make. The hurt doesn't go away. And it was very painful when he died for a very long time as it all came up again. But despite that, there really wasn't much of another choice.

“i struggle to see how its funny though. genuinely. what part of "we are disinheriting you" is funny or even slightly comical?”

Because it’s not true?! They aren’t disinheriting her, but giving her share to her children! Disinheritance would be “we’re leaving all of our possessions to your sister and you and your children are out of our wills.”

There is no possible way in which what your mother said could be read as anything other than hostile.

Sounds like you had a crap upbringing, OP. I'm so very sorry.

Don't rise to it. Do not waste your happiness.

@Piecatcher, I really feel for you - I'm going through this at the moment, and it's not the money, I wouldn't care if she blew it all before she died or gave it to charity. It's the active choice to leave me out, even after her death, and the thought that my siblings will happily take their (now larger) share and any remaining family will be completely scattered to the four winds. All because my mother would always rather be "teaching a lesson" than being a decent human being.

And that in itself is a really difficult thing to get over.

I agree with deafly

purpleelk if it was a genuine joke then why not apologise? The door is open for them to talk whenever they want.

Thanks deafly I agree that makes a lot of sense

They see apologising or coming back to you to talk as them lowering themselves and being submissive. Their pride is too great for that. You decide what you want to do and move ahead and do it. Don’t just “wait” for them because they won’t give in.

'I can understand the hurt but why does everyone expect a part of their parents will. Greed all the way.'

I think it's perfectly normal to pass on what you've got to your children.
Plus, unless you're completely self-made, you're passing on family money - what you inherited from your parents and what they inherited from theirs...

"I can understand the hurt but why does everyone expect a part of their parents will."

Because if you leave everything to one of your children and nothing to the other one (or more to one and less to the other), you're saying something very clearly about how you value your children.

Unless one of your children becomes a murderer or an abuser or a rapist or something like that, I really can't see why anyone would not distribute their inheritance equally among their children. Nobody asks to be born.

These days a lot of inheritance ends up paying expensive care costs, my aunt, all of her money is gone, her house has now been sold for care costs, her two sisters thought they would be the only ones inheriting, and had taken pleasure in telling my mum that her husband, their brother had been cut out of the will as he didn't see his older sister, well karma is a bitch, because these two bitches will get a very very tiny portion of what they had thought was coming their way. My neighbour went into dementia care last year, her savings have gone and her house sold the week before Christmas. So if your mum ends up in a care home in the future or needs carers at home, her money will be eaten up by costs, so don't shed any tears just yet.

If you possibly can, keep up the NC. If that's her idea of a joke, I wouldn't at all put it past her to repeat the trick in another few months.

And I don't even buy that it was a joke. I suspect she wants to reel you back in, get you engaging with her, just so that she can do it again.

I wouldn't give her that power. You'd always have it hanging over you that she might.

I cannot believe people who do not know you or your parents are telling you to go NC !

This is abuse. It won't change, because your parents won't change.

The good news is that you get to choose what to do based on this.

Why does everyone expect a part of their parents' will. Greed all the way.

Quite surprised at the number of people who are completely incapable of grasping that it's about the incredibly hurtful gesture, NOT the money, despite the OP spelling that out repeatedly in plain English.

I think it says a lot more about those posters than it does about the OP. If your first and only thought on hearing the word 'inheritance' is 'Money money money!!!' I mean.

Surely a loving parent who made a stupid "joke" that backfired and resulted in 6 months of no contact would be appologetic and wanting to re-establish the relationship. I think her response has told you enough about going forwards.

For all the posters shrieking 'greed', I bet my bottom dollar if this happened to them they'd be screaming all the way to the nearest lawyer.

You aren't entitled to expect any money, but you are entitled to expect fairness, courtesy, and to be treated as a member of the family to which, not through choice, you belong. Your DP probably inherited themselves, so they're not handling their own money except in the legal sense - what's at stake is family wealth, to which you are unquestionably entitled.

OP, I am having and have had the same trouble. Between you and me, when cruelty and unfairness became tangible it was a hell of relief - I always had my suspicions about how unpleasant my parents were to me, and now I had proof positive they were as nasty as I'd been told.