My mother has informed me I am to be disinherited

[Piecatcher]

This afternoon I phoned my parents (spoke to my mum) to ask about arrangements for Father’s Day this weekend. Before I could speak, she told me that she is going to her lawyers this afternoon to sign her will. Apparently I’ve not to expect anything but my sister and my 2 sons will be very well looked after.

I am unsure what to do with this information. I am incredibly upset at being cast aside like this but not because of the lack of money. I find it so hurtful that my parents think so little of me that they would do this and given that we have a good relationship and are in regular contact I don’t understand why. She made a similar statement a few years ago and when I asked her why she was doing this, she told me that all I care about is money and called me mean and selfish. I’ve tried speaking to my dad who tells me I’m too sensitive and my mum is only joking.

How should I proceed with this? There have been many other similar incidents over the years and I’m now considering cutting contact as I find it hard to deal with the hurt and confusion her comments cause. AIBU reasonable to do this? How should I proceed?

Oh also... if she's said similar before just say.... I thought you already had 🙈😂

@polarbearberkshire what on Earth are you whittering on about?

She's already said she doesn't care about the money: it's the nasty mind games and feeling of rejection that are the issue.

OP: Don't rise. I don't know why your mother is doing this but don't play the game.

You've 2 options: 1) tell her you're not in the slightest bit interested in an inheritance on her death but you WOULD like an explanation as to why she is treating you so hurtfully: it may be that she DOES have something to get off her chest and is goading you into an argument so you look like the bad guy whilst eviscerating you for some deep buried resentment.
2) let it go for now but the next time you're subjected to the same rhetoric just say, "I've got to stop you there mum, I'm really not interested in this topic of conversation but as you are happy to treat me so poorly, kindly pick up the phone to "sister" from now on because I've no mind to run myself ragged for someone who thinks so little of me.... now, let's change the subject shall we?" And warn your sister in advance (what does she think of all this?).

The others are right, she's trying to hurt you and get a reaction and I suspect there's more to this story... even if you don't know it and if you don't then I imagine there's some sort of jealousy issue and there's little you can do about that.
Maybe you have a better lifestyle than her or maybe she resents your good relationship with your DH/DS/DC/DF?

I'm sorry she's hurting you but you need to try and rise above it, but make a clear decision regarding how you interact with her in the future... even if you know she can't be reasoned with, just quietly withdraw until you see as little of her as possible: as it stands, you won't be losing much.

Set aside that you still care about them. Now, what do they add to your life, emotionally? Are they a source of comfort? Security? Positivity? Do they build you up and make you feel good about yourself? You can 'care' about someone and maintain NC with them, if it's better for your emotional stability and wellbeing.

Oh, and you don't have to 'understand' jack shit about their 'point of view'. If they were serious, that's fucked up. If it was their idea of a 'joke' that was fucked up, too. That's all you need to 'understand'.

(And you may want to consider that this 'backtracking' has more to do with wanting to be sure you'll be around to look after them than it does with wanting to maintain a 'real' relationship with you)

@sittingonthetallseat

In Scotland, a child is entitled to a share of moveable assets.

Perfectly easy to workaround - all the parent needs to do is sign everything over to someone else & then they don't have any moveable assets & nothing for the child to contest 😢

Going back to earlier posts who call the OP money grabbing. No she isn’t. If I heard that my mum was leaving an inheritance to my sister yet bypassing me to leave money to my children i’d think it was bit odd and I would feel sad and confused.

I agree with MrsBombastic

Over the years my mother has threatened to disinherit me. It got so bad I told her go ahead, DH will inherit ten times what you will give me so I couldn't give a shit.

Dont engage with this conversation with your parents again. It is something outside of your control and if it is intended to hurt you...it already has.
Dont raise the subject again. Ever.
If it is raised again...dismiss it with a cheery " It's your will mum, you must do what you feel is right for you".
Dont be tempted to add anything else.
No conversation will change her mind if she's decided. Keep wanting to discuss it or debate it will perhaps only confirm to her you are ' only interested in money'. By cheerfully not engaging in such a topic it's very hard to prove that !
Parents often have ideas about their grown children which are outdated...or from a certain time in your life and NOTHING you can say or do will convince them you arent that person ' because they know you best'.

There really is nothing you can do to positively to bring the resolution you desire from her- so you must acknowledge her decision and make plans for a future without any anticipated inheritance.
It can be very sad, but also very liberating.
If she's serious about it...you know that your children are well provided for.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

@SciFiFan2015

In Scotland it is illegal to disinherit your children

In Scotland it is not possible for a person to disinherit his or her spouse, civil partner or children entirely. This protection is provided by the concept of legal rights which give the people concerned a share of the deceased's moveable property.

Surely this means children under 18 as opposed to adults. Why bother working at all?

A child (of any age) can contest their parent's will in Scotland if they are not left anything in it. Usually a percentage of moveable assets

So if you have kids in Scotland you're fucked?

Does this come from your Mother after she has been speaking with your sister? When Hubby tried to speak to MIL after FIL died about stopping the on going financial assistance to sister, he was also accused of ''money grabbing'' by the sister, which it was never about, it was about the sister sucking the Mother financially dry and she did her best to talk ''up'' our financial position over hers. When MIL died, we found out she had changed her Will from the long standing family solicitor the family used, to SIL's then girlfriend's one, and a Trust had been set up for SIL paid for my MIL' s estate, to hide her inheritance from bankruptcy proceedings. The new Will also included the numerous children of SIL. So what was a 2 adult child family became an estate being distributed between 7.

My point being is perhaps there is a bit of stirring going with your sister, or someone informing your Mother you are up to ''no good''. Its worth a thought to find out what is going on in the background as its difficult to think anyone finds that funny to say to an adult child.

My mum lived in Scotland and left everything to my 4 DC. As she was legally still married to my dad (separated for many years) and has 2 children, my dad is entitled to 1/3 of the moveable (which for her is money in savings) and my brother and I 1/3 between us, so 1/6 each. You don't have to accept it though and can waive your rights to it.

They have been consulting on changing it to being entitled to the heritable as well (property/land etc) but restricting that to children under 16, but not sure if that's likely to go through or not.

Do absolutely nothing...ignore it totally as if it didn't happen.
Her will her choice.

@ piecatcher I so understand how you feel.
When my df died dm offered items of jewellery he always wore to my younger db. A gold initial ring, silver Saint Christopher and watch.
It was upsetting to learn she hadn't considered that maybe I'd like something personal to keep of his.
When I asked her she said that as his son the items should go to db, and tried to make it look like I was only interested in the £ value.
For me it was never about that, if I'd been given a choice I would have loved df's silver St Christopher, the least valuable item that I'd bought for him and he always wore.
I think she did it to let me know where I stood in the family pecking order, and it hurt me much at the time.
It sounds as though your dm is up to the same.
I chose not to go NC with dm but am quick to tell her I'm not interested when she tries to tell me who she's leaving this and that to.

Sorry, derailment!

Speaking to a colleague whose df's estate was released last week, he had to come up with £160 000 for the inheritance tax up front before the house was sold and accounts accessed. In England, it's 40% over £325 000. I understand why my parents are trying to offload it now. I've told them I want nothing. Can you refuse an inheritance and if so, what happens to it? There are two equal beneficiaries.

I don’t often post, and I didn’t read past page 4, mainly because of the ignorance from some people completely misunderstanding you, OP.

The first two things that came to mind as soon as I read your post were, ‘narcissist’ and ‘gas-lighting’. What she did is a way of testing you and trying to manipulate and control you. It’s no wonder you feel like you do. When one sibling is treated differently to another for no apparent reason. Also look up ‘golden child’and ‘enabler’. You’d be surprised how common this is and once you’re aware of the dynamics I think you’ll find it a lot easier to understand what’s going on and why. I might be completely wrong but look it up anyway. It was a complete lightbulb moment for me putting a label on what my narcissistic ‘father’ was.

I hope you come to a solution that works for you in dealing with this because it has to be handled how you feel best.

Most likely the joke will actually be on her as any long term social care will come out of your parents’s assets. It may be that come the time the will is read, there is little left to pass on.

Unless your sister can be persuaded to provide 100% of the care needed to them at home. I am pretty sure you will not be doing it...

My aunt, who has since died, had one child, her son. Following any disagreement or discussion, or perceived slight, she would tell everyone she was disinheriting him, absolutely horrible behaviour from her.

None of us had any idea why she used to say this. Initially it upset him and then he grew to dislike her, and I wasn’t surprised.

But when she died, aged 92, she had left absolutely everything to him. Quite rightly.

Do hope it all resolves well for you. 🌺

My mother and her partner have left most of their estate to one of their 'doggy friends' to take care of the dogs (she has 12 so I have no doubt her friend will be rehoming most of them and keeping a fair chunk of the money that comes along with the responsibility of the dogs).

I never expected money from my Mother and we are not close at all but when my brother told me that it still stung a little, I can't imagine how you feel when you are close to your family, it's not the financial side of things that hurts it's the being left out part.

Sorry that they are treating you this way.

You could suggest they use your share of the inheritance for their care in their old age - because they will be getting no help from you.

Remember to remind her that this gesture will be one and last thing she will be remembered for. Sad but true. Everyone thinks it's the last triumphant gesture that will make everyone affected sad or bitter. In fact she will be the one remembered for being sad and bitter.

Best ignore t mostly except to say "It's yours and dad's money mum you must both do what you want with it."

It's good to know your children will be taken care of isn't it.

It's best to stay NC. She doesn't care and it's more important for her to be able to control and wind you up than to be a decent person.

Went through this with my DM.
She's threaten to cut me out and finally I just told her that I didn't care. She had nothing I wanted.

She made another DSis executor but wanted me to drive DS is around and actually settle her affairs when she passed. yeah right.

My DM was a narcissist and when she did pass, it turns out she had lied about everything She tried screw us all over from the grave but what happened is that the 3 of us ended up splitting it equally and I gave my portion to my DD.

The relationships between us sisters have been the best they have ever been with her manipulative arse gone and not stirring up shite anymore.

She can't play her manipulative game if you refuse to play.

Calmly and collectedly (sorry I dunno if that's even a word!) tell her that you don't care about the money but you are hurt by her comments and that you are upset by them . Her will is hers to decide what she does with, true but make ut clear that it's not ok to bully you, and you don't appreciate it. Joking or not. It's still hurtful. Set that boundary before she's too old and set in her ways.