My mother has informed me I am to be disinherited

[Piecatcher]

This afternoon I phoned my parents (spoke to my mum) to ask about arrangements for Father’s Day this weekend. Before I could speak, she told me that she is going to her lawyers this afternoon to sign her will. Apparently I’ve not to expect anything but my sister and my 2 sons will be very well looked after.

I am unsure what to do with this information. I am incredibly upset at being cast aside like this but not because of the lack of money. I find it so hurtful that my parents think so little of me that they would do this and given that we have a good relationship and are in regular contact I don’t understand why. She made a similar statement a few years ago and when I asked her why she was doing this, she told me that all I care about is money and called me mean and selfish. I’ve tried speaking to my dad who tells me I’m too sensitive and my mum is only joking.

How should I proceed with this? There have been many other similar incidents over the years and I’m now considering cutting contact as I find it hard to deal with the hurt and confusion her comments cause. AIBU reasonable to do this? How should I proceed?

I wish you could print out the thread and show her. Not many of us find her joke amusing.

I think your own health and happiness is worth more than money.

I wouldn't get back in touch and I would certainly not help them out in future. Their remaining daughter can do that.

YANBU. What a terrible thing for someone to say to their child. In your situation I'd also be extremely upset. It's quite shocking to me that your father doesn't take this stuff more seriously.

Probably worth discussing with you Sister to find out if she is aware and if so her feelings about it. Personally, if I were to hear that one of my Brothers was being cut out of their inheritance in this way, I like to think I'd say something about it to my parents.

If your Mum and Dad treat your feelings with this kind of contempt on a regular basis then sadly perhaps it is better to have them out of your life?

She has - it seems to me - put you in a no-win situation. If you complain she can come back and say "see, I told you, you only care about money!" and if you don't then you have to suffer in silence. Not fair.

I find this all a bit difficult.

She is not disinheriting you. Your share (or possibly more than your share if she is dividing her estate equally between your children and your sister) is going to your children. She is bypassing you.

So it is a joke (of sorts - but a poor one that is designed to hurt). She says I am disinheriting you but actually she is giving your descendants (possibly more) than your share.

Your only defence is to be delighted by this. Tell her what a good idea it is. Ask about the trust arrangements if they inherit before they are 18.

On the face of it, a decision to leave an inheritance (presumably equally) to a childless daughter, and to the children of the other daughter, is not completely unreasonable.
But it seems to lack forethought and common sense. The elderly mother has been brought up short by the implications she had foolishly not considered. Hence her feeble explanation of a "joke".
I wonder if this can be dealt with by time, and family relationships.

Your mother doesn't sound like someone who will back down. Seems cruel and malicious, and frankly wanting to continue to inflict pain from beyond the grave albeit the money is going to her DGC, i assume they willl eventually inherit your sister’s share too which means all the wealth stays in the family. It’s ok to be upset though as it says how much you are valued.

DAVOS. I do hope your sister gave you half...
Families drive you mad don’t they. Hugs

wijjy disinheriting just means writing someone out of your will. If you will everything to that person's relatives instead, it's still disinheriting them. I agree with your last point though.

Ball's in their court OP, I'd leave it there tbh. You have regained some control in the relationship so don't go back to square 1.

they treat u like shit gaslighting you none of this is your fault

my df is leaving everytghing to his current wife but its ok apprently when she dies everything will be split btween me and her child

yeah course it will

A joke? She said it as a joke..? How weird

Try not to torture yourself with this.

I know it’s not at all about the money, but it may help to think of it this way. Practically speaking if she really does make her will as she says, your DC are going to benefit. Regard it as your inheritance going directly to where you would probably direct it anyway.

I have had two parents with dementia. Money fixations were one of the early signs. I merely mention this, it may not apply in your case.

Gosh OP, what a ‘joke’. Even if it isn’t what she intends to do, it is a cruel, controlling thing to say, clearly aimed at making you feeling insecure and prompting some sort of reaction from you. Why?

I totally understand why you wouldn’t want to be in contact with someone who appears to behave in such a toxic manner. I suspect there is a history of toxic and controlling behaviour which goes far wider than this incident. Have you written her a letter, setting everything out without fear of interruption or misinterpretation? I think I might do that. It’s not about the money, it’s about what the ‘joke’ meant, why it was said, and what it says about her feelings for you. I would want to make my position on that abundantly clear.

Money is the root of all evil in our family too. Big family row in the last generation about inheritance and my mum was essentially disinherited, for reasons which may have had some practical applicaction but which damaged relationships irrevocably. Money can skew reason and logic, especially when you don’t have much or have debts.

Your mum said this for a reason, and it shows a complete lack of respect for you and how you feel. I think you should do whatever it is that makes you feel better about the situation. That much you deserve. FWIW I would keep my distance, protect myself, but not give the satisfaction of ‘no contact’ as such. I wouldn’t make active contact, but not would I give her the satisfaction of seeing me upset, which for some reason seems to be her aim. Good luck.

might there be tax implications? Like if they give to you and then you die and give it to sons - depending on amount, but some of it could be taxed twice.

They might be testing you to see if you do care about the money or them. It is high risk to give to youngsters if they are not financially mature (though some adults have issues too).

I’d get back in contact and say that it’s their business who they leave it to. But you don’t want it to affect your relationship with them.

Because it’s not true?! They aren’t disinheriting her, but giving her share to her children!

Ummm, she's not inheriting anything, doesn't matter if her children inherit something whether in her place or instead of, so; she's still being disinherited. Passing it over a generation doesn't override the technicality of it being disinheriting.

Also if she's saying it's a joke that means the OP will be inheriting now, I somewhat don't believe that though, sounds like a lie to get this to all blow over, then when the will is finally read out you'll find it is exactly as described in the OP's mothers "joke".

My Mother changed her will and did something that wasn’t a shock to me. She left everything to one of her six children. The woman just loved that one child totally. I sadly accepted this situation many years ago, my siblings also knew this but always wanted the situation to change and wanted Mother to love them the same.

The devastation amongst my siblings has been enormous.

When the will became known I had another frank talk and said she could choose to share her inheritance with her siblings though I would not want to be included. None of my siblings are well off, all worked hard but have always been in NMW jobs, they all live geographically close. I left my hometown and put myself through University with zero financial assistance from Mother.

I was never NC with Mother but I was low contact especially as I got older. The only time she was interested in me was when she could show off my achievements.

I know your focussing on the will situation currently but Im assuming there may be a pattern of favourable behaviour over many years.

I saw my Mother for what she was when still very young and keeping her at arms length and accepting what a bloody awful human she was meant I became an actual adult, my siblings are all still very childlike as adults. I don’t blame them they just all yearned for something that I knew a long time ago would never be forthcoming and she then confirmed that all in writing.

I don't think it's at all greedy to expect to be in your parents will. That's how it almost unanimously works- a parent passes their wealth to their offspring.
To take someone out of your will is traditional to disown them... to cut them out of your family. No wonder OP is upset it is one of the biggest slights a person can give to their child.

She sounds like a gaslighter - blaming you for ‘not getting the joke’, batting it all back to you for ‘misunderstanding’ her. Total bull. She sounds toxic as hell. X

YABU, your acting like a child. Your sister doesn't have kids and you do, therefore it should go to your kids. If you don't have a good relationship then that's fine but if you do and this is enough to break it off then you are a psycho. I've not read anything that shows you have a bad relationship so...🤷‍♀️

My parents are both gone, never had a lot of money, there was money for there funerals and that was it, never looked for anything from them, wish they were still here, money doesn't replace parent's

I would remain NC. It's their loss isn't it? Missing out on a relationship with their child and grandchildren, and support in their old age. Yes, they can leave their possessions to whoever they want, just as you can choose to spend time with whoever they want.

Don't give them the ability to keep sticking the knife in. It's clearly what their intention is.

*spend time with whoever YOU want.

My parents are both gone. They were lovely and would never have dreamed of joking or bullying any of us children in this way and although they had little they always endeavoured to treat us fairly.

Gosh if you are overreactive like that then i see why your mother tries to get your attention... with money?
Why does it matter? Its her money! Would you prefer if your sons and your sister get nothing snd your mother donates HER cash to the charities??? Its her cash after all. Arent you pleased your sons will have good chunk of cash?
Whats wrong with peoples entitlement these days?
Just because she is your mother she does not have to leave you anything . Am i missing something?
And to abandon your elderly parents because of the inheritance? Wow it makes your mother’s words correct then.
Learn to love without the money.