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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children being introduced to affair partner

157 replies

user123456781 · 15/06/2018 05:47

4 weeks after being found out cheating and leaving (had been playing happy families before)

H had known her about 4 weeks before Dday

Kids (9 and 8) were told Saturday why he left.

Yesterday he FaceTimed OW during contact with kids and got them to say Hi

I'm broken...not sure how much more I can take...my poor babies

This is not ok is it? Aibu?

OP posts:
Bezm · 15/06/2018 06:06

No, not ok at all.
Do not let him face time them unless you are present.
Tell him they are not to meet her until you agree. If he can't accept that, then he doesn't see them.
Does he think it's all happy families now?

Pandora79 · 15/06/2018 06:11

It's not right. But you can't actually stop him doing anything. You can ask him to put his kids first and not do it, but you can't force him to.

You just have to support the kids through it.

AjasLipstick · 15/06/2018 06:17

He's wrong of course, to introduce a new partner before he's really got to know her....what if she was a weirdo or violent or something?

BUT...you can't refuse contact.

You can only appeal to his better nature...and check her out with Clare's Law

leics.police.uk/advice-and-information/victims-witnesses/domestic-abuse-disclosure-scheme-clares-law

At least that will let you know if she's law abiding and decent.

watchingwithinterest · 15/06/2018 06:43

No it is not okay at all.

Just play it down to your dc calling her a friend of Daddy's and giving it no weight at all. I would also research her online and see if you can find out what she is like (for no reason other than to check she is a sound persons you understand) and would be discussing boundaries with your ex partner. If he has any hope of an amicable split there needs to be rules to be agreed to.

How would he feel if you moved in a 21 year old stallion and introduced him to your kids as their new Daddy? Two can play that game, which would be very detrimental to your dc.

Boundaries and agreements need to be put in place so the children are put first at all times.

Maelstrop · 15/06/2018 06:45

Face time will therefore be supervised and he gets a bollocking. It’s not fair on your dc for him to be introducing the ow, what a huge twat he is.

Curtainshopping · 15/06/2018 06:49

All you can do is appeal to his better nature and ask him to imagine how the kids are feeling.

Twat.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 15/06/2018 06:52

It’s not right BUT he is clearly an arse hole
Who doesn’t give a fuck

So assume this is the new normal and proceed with caution and wariness

Your children will eventually realise but unfortunately we can’t make people be decent humans

Original poster
user123456781 · 15/06/2018 06:56

He's told kids she's his girlfriend. He also spoke affectionately 'bye honey" on phone so kids are confused/upset by this too.

I'm starting to realise he has no better nature to appeal too. We had discussed and agreed he would not introduce her. 5 days that's how long they've known that he left as he has a girlfriend.

They are already having to have extra support in school as they are crying and I've told him this but he makes no comment. This is damaging them so much. He only sees them a few hours a week, takes them to park so doesn't see affect on them.

OP posts:
Original poster
user123456781 · 15/06/2018 06:57

And btw we were together 19 years

OP posts:
Sunnyjac · 15/06/2018 07:02

Flowers for you and your children. He’s a total dick so prepare to have to rise above, and support your children, through a lot of crap

Ophelialovescats · 15/06/2018 07:03

He's putting himself first here .So painful for you and confusing for the children.
It will get better and easier for you all ....and who knows how it will pan out for your ex and his new girlfriend, but it will probably fizzle out.
I am pleased the school are supporting your children.
I hope you are getting support too.

Original poster
user123456781 · 15/06/2018 07:11

Thank you. I'm doing as well as I can. School have been amazing, offer me personally support said I can pop in for a cuppa anytime.

I just want to take their pain away, I want to know they'll be ok despite all this.

My ds is refusing to see him now because it's upset him. It's the realisation that he really isn't coming home.

H seems like a total stranger to me now 19 years and I don't know him at all

OP posts:
Mrscaindingle · 15/06/2018 07:20

Been there, got the tshirt unfortunately, my ex introduced his new gf before we actually split. DS1who was 12 at the time knew instinctively there was something not right about the way they were behaving. DS1 has now not seen his dad for 5 years.

You are absolutely right about not trying to appeal to his better nature, I wish someone had said this to me and I would have saved myself years of grief. He is potentially going to damage his relationship with his kids if he doesn't reign it in but if he's anything like my ex he's only able to think about himself and his shiny new future.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 15/06/2018 07:20

What an utter, utter fuckwit! 5 days since they’ve known? That’s a disgrace.

I don’t think there is anything you can do. I don’t even now how you’d begin to approach this with him. Because if he doesn’t know already, he may not understand even if you explain it. If you do speak to him though, take pains not to appear jealous. He’d love that I bet. Twat.

Anyway, you now know he’s a selfish cunt who puts himself first above his children. I’d bank that, move on and feel sorry for the idiot OW who is now stuck with the fucker.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 15/06/2018 07:23

You can't control what he does during his time with them. You are hurting, don't use the children as pawns

KC225 · 15/06/2018 07:24

Is he missing the sensitivity gene? That is awful. So sorry for you and your children. He is an arse.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 15/06/2018 07:24

*know not now

NewDOOFUSfor18 · 15/06/2018 07:28

user1234 what an absolute shit of a man he is, I'm sorry he's putting you all through this Sad
FWIW please don't take on board most of what bezm advised (I agree with no FaceTime without you being present), you can't just stop contact because you don't like/agree with how he is behaving like an absolute tool and advice like that will only serve you to make an angry and rash decision because it fits with how you're feeling at this incredibly vulnerable time.

Miladamermalada · 15/06/2018 07:30

What a total wanker.
Bollocks to the fact he's only been with her 4 weeks before D Day.
It seems normal to introduce her to the kids because he's been with her ages.
I'd kick off for this. What a selfish utter bastard. He deserves to never see them again-let him pick her and fuck off into the sunset. Your kids are better without him.

gamerwidow · 15/06/2018 07:31

Terrible selfish behaviour from your ex. 4 weeks is nothing he should be focusing on the kids and helping them through this confusing time not foisting his partner on them. He has plenty of time to speak to her when the kids aren’t there what a nasty selfish man.

Raven88 · 15/06/2018 07:31

No not ok. Is he trying to upset his kids and you?

Miladamermalada · 15/06/2018 07:33

Also, I never understand the general consensus that women encourage children to see their dads at all costs. He's a selfish dickhead who is damaging them. Why should OP pretend how great he is and encourage a relationship between them? He's not bothered about his own relationship with them clearly. I think it'd be better for them to stop contact inevitably-at least they will feel secure and loved only being with their mother. I don't think any child needs a father in situations like this, mothers are different. Generally, they put their kids before their need for a shag.
I think he's done you all a massive favour and that you're fabulous OP X

pullingknots · 15/06/2018 07:37

This happened to me and now my 3 year old spends every other weekend with the woman he kicked us both out our home for. It is incredibly painful but other than refusing contact there's nothing to be done.

SoapOnARoap · 15/06/2018 07:39

It’s so wrong. You have my complete sympathy.

I waited two years to do the same & even then, I had my reservations it was too soon.

The silver lining here, is you are shot of this knob

AskATerf · 15/06/2018 07:40

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