Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children being introduced to affair partner

157 replies

user123456781 · 15/06/2018 05:47

4 weeks after being found out cheating and leaving (had been playing happy families before)

H had known her about 4 weeks before Dday

Kids (9 and 8) were told Saturday why he left.

Yesterday he FaceTimed OW during contact with kids and got them to say Hi

I'm broken...not sure how much more I can take...my poor babies

This is not ok is it? Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
user123456781 · 15/06/2018 16:25

Yes he got found out. Made an extremely rash decision to leave. He though I'd have him back so he could have his cake and eat it. He minimised lied and I found out alot of what he said was lies so that's why he is never coming back. So no massive drip feed. He was messaging others at same time, he's just completely deluded and it's all back fired.

OP posts:
moodance · 15/06/2018 16:38

Och his behaviour is in poor taste ... sadly you have no right to stop him. You can only tell him you prefer him not to do this. It might be worthwhile doing a parenting plan.

Original poster
user123456781 · 15/06/2018 17:53

I'm sorry if I did drip feed. This is first time posting and I didn't want to reveal too much information and be identifying myself.

Thank you for all your comments. I will leave thread now

OP posts:
LapsedHumanist · 15/06/2018 18:24

You’ve got nothing to be sorry for user.

Take care

Miladamermalada · 15/06/2018 18:29

I'd tell him you've had to let the teachers and others that the kids are upset that he had an affair and introduced his new partner so quickly then expected them to lie about it.
Hopefully if you tell enough people he won't want to face them and will cut all contact so you can get on with your lives.
The utter cunt.

Ginpasta · 15/06/2018 19:00

Oh OP I really feel for you. Been in a similar situation. My STBEX and I talked about our young DD not meeting the OW until we had discussed it etc but he went ahead anyway. Only found out because my DD told me. It's awful and so hard to deal with. Unfortunately as others have said there's not much you can do. I just tried to make sure my new home with DD was as stable as possible and she knew she could talk to me anytime about anything. I'm now a bit further down the line from you but I still find it very hard to know that my DD is spending time with the OW. I hope it will get easier. I def think men do not think like we do about the repercussions and the effect that meetings like these have on our DC xxxx

headinhands · 15/06/2018 19:18

You're doing to have to be as grown up as possible. Play it down to the kids. Don't threaten to cut contact about this. The courts would take a very dim view of this.

headinhands · 15/06/2018 19:20

You're going to have to try to frame it for the DC as a potential good thing that they have a new, kind, involved adult in their lives. (However complex the parents' relationship might be, the more kind, loving, interested adults in a child's life, the better.) If she becomes their stepmother, you want the relationship between them and her to be a happy, positive one, not full of resentment. If you start out portraying her as an enemy, it's going to make things more difficult for your DC in the long run.

I've never done this before but;
⬆️this⬆️

Juells · 15/06/2018 19:22

You're going to have to try to frame it for the DC as a potential good thing that they have a new, kind, involved adult in their lives.

otherwise known as gaslighting.

headinhands · 15/06/2018 19:23

Because what they really want is a close meaningful relationship with the people who fucked their family over

But many children can and do develop warm and positive relationships with a new partner regardless of how the relationship started.

headinhands · 15/06/2018 19:24

You can insist on phone contact only

She can ask, but no court would enforce this.

headinhands · 15/06/2018 19:26

If you dismiss my concerns, I will seek legal advice regarding contact to put firm boundaries in place.

You can't tell the op that. No court would prevent him introducing the ow.

headinhands · 15/06/2018 19:28

I gave it to them straight - if you agree to this you'll never see your DF alone again

That's a really awful way to behave.

Juells · 15/06/2018 19:34

Yes, absolutely awful. Fuck him. He was ramming her down their throats, moved out and instantly she was there every single time they met. There was a lot more going on as well - did you see the bit about my daughter being brought into bed with them because she was crying and homesick? That was within days of his moving out. You're not dealing with fucking rational people, you're dealing with selfish pricks who want what they want and will walk all over everyone else to get it.

rogueone · 15/06/2018 19:58

Jesus what rubbish is being spouted on this thread. I have been through the family courts. My OH got NC and that didn’t involve an OW. My D.S. was affected by him emotionallly and that was taken very seriously by the courts. So your DC crying at school, being referred to counselling and your OH asking your DC to lie is a pretty solid ground for protecting your DC from further abuse. You need to tell your ex that is not acceptable and the impact it is having on your DC. You need to remove your own emotions from this, it’s about your DC. Communicate via email and do what’s right by your DC who are currently distressed. It’s tough for all of you.

Miladamermalada · 15/06/2018 21:27

That's a really awful way to behave
She wasn't threatening to stop them seeing him
She was telling them that unless they stood up to him and refused to see OW, then they would never get to see him on his own again.

Miladamermalada · 15/06/2018 21:30

@headinhands
You seem somewhat overinvested. The man's a twat and a shit dad. The kids are better off without him anyway. Why the social pressure to force kids to play a part in their parents' farcical romantic relationships? It's positively abusive and weird. The man needs control himself instead of acting like a lovesick dog on skype in the presence of his children. Throwing cold water over him may do the trick in the short term.

headinhands · 15/06/2018 22:02

She was telling them that unless they stood up to him and refused to see OW, then they would never get to see him on his own again.

She doesn't know that though does she. And she's Ben we're off supporting them through the emotions instead of scaring them.

Miladamermalada · 15/06/2018 22:04

But she was right. He didn't want to see them without her, to the extent he didn't see his kids for 2 months. All he was arsed about was introducing the woman he was having sex with.
And by standing by what OP said, the kids got the choice to see him on his own.
Good call imo.

headinhands · 15/06/2018 22:05

@headinhands
You seem somewhat overinvested.

Nice little ad him there.

the kids are better off without him*

The courts wouldn't feel the same way and it's unhelpful to encourage the op to behave in a way that will cause more long term misery.

headinhands · 15/06/2018 22:05

Oops haha *ad hom.

Miladamermalada · 15/06/2018 22:19

Misery to whom? Because likely once happy families wasn't working out he'd fuck off anyway, and everyone will be better off for it!
Or do you mean with him taking OP to court?
People who do this seriously have no level of shame. He's left the kids and made his decision.

LapsedHumanist · 16/06/2018 00:17

Ah, the levelling of the ad hominem attack accusation.

That’s the calling card of the MRA isn’t it? F4J4EVA.

Makes a lot of sense now.

By the way, bold fail.

Still, got to admire someone who goes balls out after something he believes in. Good morning by the way!

ReanimatedSGB · 16/06/2018 00:50

You really do have to seperate the couple-relationship from the parenting relationship. You got dumped, that's sad, but don't whine and fuss and demand the kids take sides. You have to look at it as: will your XP treat the DC well (feed them, entertain them, keep them safe)? If yes,, suck it up. If no, address the risks, not the fact that your XP dumped you.

Original poster
user123456781 · 16/06/2018 06:12

This thread has gone haywire. I have NOT done anything that I am being accused of.

'don't whine and fuss and demand the kids take sides.'

Where does it say I did This?

I came here for advice and support and for the most I received it but the last 10 or so posts have been upsetting to say the least

OP posts: