Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Children being introduced to affair partner

157 replies

user123456781 · 15/06/2018 05:47

4 weeks after being found out cheating and leaving (had been playing happy families before)

H had known her about 4 weeks before Dday

Kids (9 and 8) were told Saturday why he left.

Yesterday he FaceTimed OW during contact with kids and got them to say Hi

I'm broken...not sure how much more I can take...my poor babies

This is not ok is it? Aibu?

OP posts:

Miladamermalada · 17/06/2018 17:11

Definitely!

Strongsinglemama · 17/06/2018 18:56

Well I took my DS to see stbx for father's day, my suggestion after they both refused to see him for contact yesterday. My DD refused to come.

He kept asking for me to leave DS there with him. Bearing in mind my DS didn't want to see him and was only visiting as I had suggested it, I said no because of what happened last week. I still don't feel he has acknowledged the pain he caused them, just made excuses.

He got argumentative, refusing to really accept what he did was wrong and started blaming me for using children against him. I got up and said to DS we're leaving as I didn't want to be shouted at in front of him and he shouted I will be taking my own legal advice and he slammed door on me and DS.

DS is now refusing to see him again.

headinhands · 17/06/2018 22:12

So you'll refuse contact, ex will go to court, judge won't order him to not have any contact with the gf while they're with him. And you'll be back here but with the extra stress of the courts/cafcass.

Op unless she poses a risk to the children courts won't get involved. I know they're upset, but this won't be dealt with by him pretending he's not in a relationship.

Miladamermalada · 17/06/2018 22:25

They're being emotionally harmed by their father head, not sure what about that you don't see. Are you a man by any chance? You seem to have a stake in the father's rights here.
The child didn't want to be left there, he was upset and he didn't want to see his dad. OP took him with her. She's trying to do the right thing.

rogueone · 17/06/2018 22:50

strong that’s the same behaviour I experience with my ex. I tried to maintain contact ( no OW) however when I would take my DS round which was what he wanted he would end up shouting at me and showed no real interest in my DS. There was more going on too and I decided enough was enough and he took me to court, he got NC at all. Stay strong. I think headinhands has been an OW or has some other issues, the issue here isn’t really the OW. The issue here is your DH leaving and your DC being distraught. The OW appearing on FaceTime has added to there distress and your OH is dismissing it. That’s the issue. You do your best for your DC. If your DH can show that he can look after his DC and accept they are struggling with this then you can begin to move forward without introducing the OW as that will make the situation worse for him and them. If not then it’s lawyers I am afraid.

headinhands · 17/06/2018 22:55

It doesn't matter wether I'm male or OW. My point is that a judge won't demand her ex doesn't introduce the children to his girlfriend. We have no reason from what op has told us that the gf poses a risk.

It seems the emotional stress is from the breakup itself, not the actual presence of OW.

Miladamermalada · 17/06/2018 23:08

It's not the break up but how he is handling it. It's not about the presence of OW. It's about his lack of sensitivity and the impact on his children's emotional health. He's allowed a relationship and also to introduce his children but fucking hell not a few weeks after leaving their mum and using language they are uncomfortable with, with a strange woman on the internet.
A sensitive judge would listen to the mother and see she isn't just a psycho who thinks she's going to make his life as hard as possible. Good job I'm not a judge as I think any parent limp enough to leave their kid for the sake of a shag deserves to never see them again in order to minimise the damage their shite behaviour causes. Constant drips of 'shit dad and some random slag' throughout a childhood is far worse than staying with a loving mum in your familiar home without having to play games to the tune of two adults.

LapsedHumanist · 18/06/2018 02:02

It just sounds like your STBXH is one of those people who has no idea that other people have feelings too Strong.

He’s in denial about the harm his actions have caused and becomes angry when that harm is right in front of him and he can’t believe his own lies any more. So he asserts that it’s someone else’s fault to try to maintain the fiction that he’s a “good guy”.

Cognitive dissonance can cause some very strange behaviour as the person experiencing it fights to bring things back in line. Be careful as he will be hugely irrational and grow ever more volatile and selfish with it.

Gin96 · 18/06/2018 06:31

Why do men need their new partner there anyway, It should be to spend time with their children. I know some men to pick up their children, drop them off with new partner and then go out and leave them with new partner all day

headinhands · 18/06/2018 06:56

He's allowed a relationship and also to introduce his children but fucking hell not a few weeks after leaving their mum and using language they are uncomfortable with, with a strange woman on the internet.

But a judge won't bar contact for this. The children would have to be a risk from the woman herself.

Strongsinglemama · 18/06/2018 06:56

@headinhands I agree with what you say and for that reason I will NOT refuse contact. I have never had any intention of doing that and you are right the Courts won't agree to it. I want them to have a relationship with their father.

My problem is that because of HIS behaviour they don't want to see him. Do I force them? My DD is very adamant, she won't discuss it, she just repeat no over and over.

As others have said he won't accept that his behaviour had caused this and it's easier to believe that I'm turning them against him or refusing the contact.

My DD has said she ' hates OW and wants to punch her and tell her to stay away from my Daddy'. I have never used such language about her. To be perfectly honest I'm glad he is carry on with OW as it makes it easier for me to move on and not feel guilty about not taking him back.

The whole thing has caused upset to them, I accept some of my own part in that upset, no one gave me an instruction manual of how to handle it. I'm doing the best I can and trying to limit their upset as best I can.

headinhands · 18/06/2018 07:04

A sensitive judge would listen to the mother and see she isn't just a psycho who thinks she's going to make his life as hard as possible.*

A judge is concerned with keeping the children safe. Unless the op can show there's a risk of harm they won't get involved in the ex introducing new partners.

Good job I'm not a judge as I think any parent limp enough to leave their kid for the sake of a shag deserves to never see them again in order to minimise the damage their shite behaviour causes

This is my concern with this thread. I'm worried that op is being given unhelpful advice that will just cause more angst in the long term

No where have I commented on the morality of what the ex has done. When it comes to courts/cafcass it's about protecting children from harm from other adults.

I only jumped in because some posters were implying this scenario would be enough for a court to block contact and I felt that was unhelpful to the op who will find it doesn't and could heap more pain on her family.

headinhands · 18/06/2018 07:10

My problem is that because of HIS behaviour they don't want to see him. Do I force them? My DD is very adamant, she won't discuss it, she just repeat no over and over.

No, of course you can't force her. And it sounds like you're trying hard to separate your pain from your children's which I imagine is very difficult in the initial stages.

Is there any way you can log their refusal to see him? So that if the courts become involved you can show that you have tried to maintain contact but the dc don't wish to see the parent. Maybe a call to their GP, discussion with school pastoral team? Just so you have evidence of you being the adult so to speak.

Babynut1 · 18/06/2018 07:36

I’d stop contact until he can put s your kids emotional needs before his own selfishness.
Or ask your children what they want. They’re old enough to tell you their true feelings.

It’s not using your children as a pawn, it’s protecting them from emotional hurt.
What kind of father does this??

headinhands · 18/06/2018 15:08

Are you a man by any chance? You seem to have a stake in the father's rights here.

I almost don't recognise MN anymore and increasingly feel I've accidentally posted somewhere else on the internet.

Miladamermalada · 18/06/2018 16:03

What, that website named after and made mainly for mumswomen?

You're like a dog with a bone on this thread. We get it. Judges like dads to see their kids. Op isn't stopping him-if he behaves reasonably there's no problem.
We get you believe men's romantic lives are as important as those with their kids and the two should co-occur with kids having to get on with a parent's new lover the minute they've left their mum. Because a man is entitled to have a relationship despite the impact on the kids. We get it.
Yawn.

Miladamermalada · 18/06/2018 16:04

Perhaps you felt you'd accidentally posted on the fathers 4 justice website when you came across this thread?

KittyHawke80 · 18/06/2018 17:04

Er - as I’ve said, I’ve drafted orders where a parent was prevented from bringing a new partner to contact - although, to destroy your little narrative, it was a woman who wasn’t allowed to bring her new bloke. And it was precisely because the children were emotionally distressed. Evidence from the school was very helpful on that one.

rogueone · 18/06/2018 17:44

KittyHawke80 thank god someone is on here that knows what they are talking about! I am no expert but have been in court with an ex about contact so know it from that perspective.

LemonysSnicket · 18/06/2018 20:21

Oh, they'll figure it out in their teens and hate her. Kids aren't stupid (anecdotal)

Strongsinglemama · 18/06/2018 20:37

I feel terrible about it all tonight. So sad. This wasn't my choice and I'm just trying to do my best.

rogueone · 18/06/2018 20:52

strong it’s tough and your trying to deal with the loss of your DH never mind the OW and the poor DC. Your doing so well

LapsedHumanist · 18/06/2018 21:10

I think you’re doing brilliantly tbh Strong.

It’s a horrendous situation to be in and you are facing it with honesty, bravery and strength.

You’re obviously very attuned to your children’s needs. I know it’s unbelievably hard, I think it’s best to be honest about that. But that does mean you can be proud of yourself for how you’re handling it.

headinhands · 18/06/2018 23:02

You're like a dog with a bone on this thread.

Yeah, threads I post on come up on the 'I'm on' tab. I assume that's why you've posted frequently too?

LapsedHumanist · 18/06/2018 23:06

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread