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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children being introduced to affair partner

157 replies

user123456781 · 15/06/2018 05:47

4 weeks after being found out cheating and leaving (had been playing happy families before)

H had known her about 4 weeks before Dday

Kids (9 and 8) were told Saturday why he left.

Yesterday he FaceTimed OW during contact with kids and got them to say Hi

I'm broken...not sure how much more I can take...my poor babies

This is not ok is it? Aibu?

OP posts:
Juells · 15/06/2018 09:37

I've just remembered what brought things to a head. He'd rented a charming little pied-à-terre, and had the children overnight. Younger DD was upset and crying, couldn't go to sleep. He brought her into their bed! The bed they were both in. This was only a week or so after we'd split up. When she told me on the phone next day I was incandescent, stormed in and brought them home with me. He didn't get to see them again until he promised them he'd meet them on his own.

NoFucksImAQueen · 15/06/2018 09:40

how much of a thick selfish cunt do you have to be to think that is ok! What the hell is wrong with him.

Juells · 15/06/2018 09:50

Some people genuinely seem to think that children are extensions of themselves, so must be made to love the new partner, whether they want to or not. If they don't, the other parent is accused of 'poisoning' them against that lovely new person.

In my case the OW was of long standing, though I didn't know it. Ex is still with her, my DDs still hate her, she made their childhood a misery. When she and ex had children of their own, who were spoiled rotten, DD1 asked ex how come he and OW had been so tough with them (my DDs) and he patiently explained that they'd realised that they'd been too hard with my two, and weren't going to make the same mistakes this time around. It's very difficult to have any respect for people who can look you in the eye and come out with bullshit like that.

Original poster
user123456781 · 15/06/2018 10:05

We had discussed not introducing them and he agreed but then did this.

He told kids not to tell mummy as she'll be upset. They told me straight away. My son said 'he feels sad but sad isn't a big enough word to decribe how bad he feels'. He now doesn't want to see him

OP posts:
ravenmum · 15/06/2018 10:10

Tell him that.

Do his family know what he has been up to? Does he care about what his family thinks?

stoplickingthetelly · 15/06/2018 10:13

When my mum and step dad separated my half brother (same mum) was about 7. He dI'd something very similar. He continued to introduce him to multiple women and their kids very quickly over the years. This was very confusing and upsetting for my brother when he was younger. He's now 16 and has realised his dad is a total arse. He's come to this conclusion all on his own. Heaven only knows how, but my mum has managed to stay dignified thoughout and has always put my brother first. I know it is difficult now, but in time they will come to realise what their dad is like.

stoplickingthetelly · 15/06/2018 10:14

Should say he did

Juells · 15/06/2018 10:15

IMO children need to feel that they have some control in their lives, and this situation makes them feel powerless. Very upsetting for you, particularly with him telling the children to lie to you - with the emotional bullying of saying "It will upset mummy", making them responsible for you being upset, rather than his behaviour. That's very manipulative.

MargoLovebutter · 15/06/2018 10:21

User sympathy to you. It really sucks. I've been there, got that t-shirt & wept those angry, frustrated tears too.

Nothing you can do about it though. If you thought your ex was an arsehole while you were still together, I'm sorry to say that they don't get any less arseholey after you've kicked them out & you have less control of the relationship.

Try not to let your DC know it upsets you. Leave the door open for them to communicate about it all with you - it sounds as though you have & they want to, which is great. It won't all be 'hi honey' for long, I promise you.

Original poster
user123456781 · 15/06/2018 10:25

Thank you all so much for comments. I've been a serial lurker and have tried to post 2 times previously for advice but was too scared and deleted.

I'm sorry for repeating myself. Im just so mixed up. I have free access to legal advice so will be making sure I do whatever I can that is best for the children.

OP posts:
critiqueofeveryday · 15/06/2018 10:27

"He feels sad but sad isn't a big enough word to decribe how bad he feels'. "

Oh the poor little lad.

Your exP is being a total arse. This is insensitive in the extreme.

ravenmum · 15/06/2018 10:30

You sound like you have your head screwed on properly, user. Do whatever you need to keep yourself as strong as you can in the circumstances (diet, exercise, GP, counselling). In my experience, my ex was extremely weird at first, but stopped being quite so dickish when things had calmed down. (Unfortunately being dickish again now she's dumped him, but I'm in a better place to deal with it now.)

BurnerName · 15/06/2018 10:34

One of the first things my mother taught me and my siblings was "If anyone tells you to not tell mummy or that this is yours and their little secret...you come straight away and tell me"

Your kids are not even close to getting used to their father no longer living at home...wtf was he thinking introducing the OW? then telling them to keep a secret about it? That is just incredibly disturbing behaviour...he is going to emotionally screw up the kids if he carried that shit on...

BurnerName · 15/06/2018 10:36

(afterthought) Not to mention teaching the kids how to be dishonest and keep secrets from the one person they should never have to keep secrets from!!

Original poster
user123456781 · 15/06/2018 10:53

He's not particularly close to his family. Has a terrible relationship with his own father although he is now living with him. His mother is deceased.

Other than children, I was his closest family hence why I rallied round after heart attack, he had no one else to do anything for him.

He has behaved exceptionally selfish over the last 4 weeks, ignores anything I tell him about kids being upset, never asks how they are. Definitely not coparenting.

OP posts:
Juells · 15/06/2018 10:55

Hang on...heart attack? Who had the heart attack, DH or FiL?

Original poster
user123456781 · 15/06/2018 10:58

Husband had heart attack 1 week after leaving. I know if it wasn't my life, Id think you couldn't make it up. He out of hospital now (discharged himself) and on sick leave from work but acting like there's nothing wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
user123456781 · 15/06/2018 10:59

I hope all this isn't too revealing, I get really worried about real life people identifying things

OP posts:
LostwithSawyer · 15/06/2018 11:03

I can't offer support but I'm going through something similar right now.
My husband had a stroke Monday and I found our about his affair Wednesday.
It's awful and I feel for you too.

ravenmum · 15/06/2018 11:14

Any friends whose opinion he values? Teachers he'd be embarrassed to admit his actions to?

PeppermintPasty · 15/06/2018 11:21

What's he like generally as a father OP, outside of this shitstorm I mean?

Reason I ask is that you say he's not seeing them much...and I wonder if we can predict that contact will peter out over time? My ex (different thing, he was vile and abusive) just wasn't really interested in the dc, after we split he saw them half heartedly for a year, and now hasn't seen them at all for over four years.

Much much better for them in the long term, I consider myself and them lucky that he has disappeared from their lives and they are stable and secure.

Original poster
user123456781 · 15/06/2018 12:49

He worked alot, gymed alot and like to sit and watch tv/ sleep alot. I have always done lions share of parenting and housework. I work less so thought this was ok. He'd be involved in some things and we'd have family as arranged by me. It was becoming (now I can see) increasing worse over last few months as he was on dating sites/ chatting to women online and withdrawing from US.

OP posts:
Walkaboutwendy · 15/06/2018 15:38

I absolutely agree with Juells the most distressing thing for the kids right now is the lack of control in their environment. They need to understand that it is okay to say No to their dad if he's doing things that hurt them. If they don't want to see him because he is emotionally unsafe to their wellbeing then they need you to advocate that.

I don't understand anyone who thinks kids should just suck it up and paste on a smile. This has long term emotional damage and will impact them in their adult life.

Keep advocating for your children OP, they need you now more than ever to safe guard them from emotional distress Flowers

RomeoBunny · 15/06/2018 15:52

He hasn't known her only 8 weeks OP. No one would chuck away a 19yr relationship for a 4 week fling unless their home life was spectacularly shit.

So this is either a total one sided story and you're going to throw in a massive drip feed, or he isn't telling you the truth.

Men generally operate under a perceived investment of what they'd lose, i.e. everything they 'think' they've built and compartmentalise the other women/woman. They don't generally chuck that away on a whim.

ravenmum · 15/06/2018 15:58

Romeo, he was found out. It wasn't his choice to go.