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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children being introduced to affair partner

157 replies

user123456781 · 15/06/2018 05:47

4 weeks after being found out cheating and leaving (had been playing happy families before)

H had known her about 4 weeks before Dday

Kids (9 and 8) were told Saturday why he left.

Yesterday he FaceTimed OW during contact with kids and got them to say Hi

I'm broken...not sure how much more I can take...my poor babies

This is not ok is it? Aibu?

OP posts:
headinhands · 16/06/2018 07:26

She was telling them that unless they stood up to him and refused to see OW, then they would never get to see him on his own again.

But setting it out in such a 'them or her' way is unnecessarily painful. I fear the children would have felt torn, trying to please mum and dad and knowing there was no way too.

Juells · 16/06/2018 07:50

Oh fuck off. You weren't there. And you are over-invested in this, makes me wonder why. You're either OW or an ex who did exactly this.

When my ex and OW eventually lived together she gave my children hell throughout their childhood. To such an extent that when they were late teens their father paid for counselling for them to learn strategies for how to deal with her emotional abuse. So he knew what she was doing. Their children got everything, and were pampered and spoiled, mine got abused. Younger daughter still has problems coming to terms with how she was treated by both of them, and won't even go into the same county as her step-mother lives in.

It's a no-win situation for mothers when this happens - which is worse, a bad father or no father? That's the choice they're faced with.

Juells · 16/06/2018 07:54

@user123456781

This thread has gone haywire. I have NOT done anything that I am being accused of.

Apologies if I've contributed to the derailing, OP. You're only trying to navigate your way through a difficult time, and it's dreadful being faced with such problems. I wish you the best.

headinhands · 16/06/2018 08:09

juells I'm not talking about your situation. Will you assume anyone who posts anything other than dont let him see the kids is MRA/OW/husband who had an affair?

In that case I can't see the point you reading the thread as you won't get anything from it other than angry. Hence your choice of opening.

Op, wishing you well as you move through this painful time. Bowing out

zsazsajuju · 16/06/2018 08:14

Op I really feel for you, you’re in an awful situation and it must be very painful. My own experience is that my df had an affair and my dm was ghastly about the ow (that whore etc) and hateful towards my df. My df is a bit of a twunt anyway but my dms behaviour did not help.

I know you have not said that you behaved in any way inappropriately. I suppose I would just say that it’s important to try to be the better person and put your own anger aside and do what you think is genuinely best for the kids. It’s an absolutely horrible situation for you though and I hope you have some rl help.

Flowers
Walkaboutwendy · 16/06/2018 08:37

So much bad advice on here Confused

Courts do care about the emotional wellbeing of the children. If the children report to an authority such as school that their father's behaviour is affecting them then they do take it into consideration. They can and do take steps, one of which maybe that contact is only allowed at a contact centre so that it can be supervised.

They can appoint a social worker to monitor the wellbeing of the children.

There are a lot of people overlooking the fact that children have rights and parents have responsibilities.

It's so sad that people think slotting into a new situation without fuss is the job of a child despite how they feel might about it. That just accepting something is better in the long run for them. That by surrending any healthy boundaries they might have and suppressing their own feelings is the right thing to do because it means the adults are happy. These are the seeds of maladjusted adult relationships in later life that are driven by fear obligation and guilt.

If the children were happy then fine. But the children are not happy and have an absolute right to say so. The school has taken notice and the court will take notice.

You should be very proud of your children OP that they have healthy personal boundaries, that they can stand up and say No this isn't right and I'm not happy. You've done a good job with them WinkFlowers

Juells · 16/06/2018 08:40

What @Walkaboutwendy says!

Gin96 · 16/06/2018 08:44

Aren’t some men shits and give no thought to their children Angry I feel for you and the children op. I don’t have any advise but you sound level headed and doing your best. Ignore the negative comments. To be honest I couldn’t cope in your situation. All the best Flowers

Original poster
user123456781 · 16/06/2018 08:48

I had a chat with my children yesterday. I told him how proud I was that they'd told me what happened and have explained nothing they say or do will upset me enough that they shouldn't tell me. They know that I love them and will always be there for them.

They don't want to see their Dad if he keeps doing this. They found it very upsetting. I have put a hold on contact (after taking legal advice) until I get assurances that this will not happen again and that he will put them first and act in their best interests.

My priority is to protect their wellbeing. I am more than over my own feelings as he has behaved so badly since. My children have been put through so much over last few weeks I'm not allowing him to cause them any further pain.

Contact will resume but after I get that assurance.

OP posts:
rogueone · 16/06/2018 09:05

user123456781 you have done the right thing. It’s an awful position to be be in but you are doing brilliantly by your DC who will thank you in the future for protecting them.

Original poster
user123456781 · 16/06/2018 09:11

Thank you. To be clear if they had said they wanted to see him, then they would but I would have still asked for those assurances. I beleive they have a right to decide. It's hard because I don't want them feeling bad for that decision either. I've told them they will see him next contact date.

OP posts:
rogueone · 16/06/2018 09:30

Absolutely right too user123456781. It’s such a pity your ex didn’t seem to have the same concern about the impact this has had on his DC.

Original poster
user123456781 · 16/06/2018 09:36

I don't think he is thinking at all. Not with his brain anyway

OP posts:
rogueone · 16/06/2018 09:43

My DF did the same when he left us many years ago. It was tough for me and my sisters and I ended up going NC with him. Left with trust issues and the long term damage if not managed correctly carries with you. You are doing the right thing by your DC. I can’t even begin to imagine how you are coping in yourself though OP as he has left you too and that is hard to stay strong for your DC.

Juells · 16/06/2018 13:24

At least the OP doesn't have to run round after him making sure he takes his medicine and doesn't over-do things Hmm

The heart attack will put a dampener on his sex life for a while. I don't think the heart attack is a coincidence, nor the stroke that the DH had in another recent thread, when he'd just spent the day with the OW. So I don't have one ounce of sympathy for either of them.

LapsedHumanist · 16/06/2018 16:24

This story in the Guardian today spoke volumes about how children see this sort of situation

Then he moved his mistress in

TemptressofWaikiki · 16/06/2018 16:56

You have a good plan regarding the kids in place. And I am glad that you are already feeling better yourself emotionally OP. I bet you though that some time in the future, when you got to know a wonderful man who really cherishes you and whom you slowly introduced to your kids, shitgibbons like your ex are the first to throw an absolute strop about HIS kids meeting a new partner.

Miladamermalada · 16/06/2018 22:16

I bet you though that some time in the future, when you got to know a wonderful man who really cherishes you and whom you slowly introduced to your kids, shitgibbons like your ex are the first to throw an absolute strop about HIS kids meeting a new partner
Absolutely this. But given his behaviour, he won't be able to do fuck all about it!

Strongsinglemama · 17/06/2018 05:52

I've no interest in meeting anyone else for a long long time !

New username Grin

As update took kids out for day yesterday, we had such a lovely day, took their mind off everything. My DD was back to her smily self which was so lovely to see.

The H has apologised and said it was an accident that he answered the video call as he didn't know who it was Hmm...

Strongsinglemama · 17/06/2018 05:55

@juells I totally agree, no coincidence as he thinks he can act like a 20 something. It hard not to worry about his health but I know it's not my problem any more. How ironic that it will effect his sex life

Strongsinglemama · 17/06/2018 05:58

@LostwithSawyer I'm so sorry you're going through this. The early days were horrific. I couldn't eat or sleep and the pain hurt so bad. Look after yourself, talk it through with friends and family. It was not your fault. Do what you feel is right and give yourself time to make that decision. You will get through it.

Skarossinkplunger · 17/06/2018 07:33

AjasLipstick Clare’s Law will not inform you if a partner is “law abiding and decent” only if they have domestic abuse markers, and only if the police decide to release the information.

IsMyUserNameRubbish · 17/06/2018 07:41

What a bastard, if he'd have thought anything for his children or had any respect for you, the mother of his children, he'd never have put you or the kids through that. It's wrong on so many levels.

Miladamermalada · 17/06/2018 11:25

It's not nice to think really but once the reality of having a partner who's had a stroke or heart attack kicks in, then the passion will die pretty quickly. Every cloud.

Juells · 17/06/2018 13:23

I wouldn't want to have him back, to nurse through heart problems brought on by his exciting new sex life. 😡

Bet he'll try to come back though, when OW gets fed up of nursing.