To not want to share money

[Ihaventsleptin84years]

Me and my partner are okay, but not great for money.
Like we could afford a spontaneous night out tonight if we wanted, but would have to save for 10 months if we wanted to go on holiday. If that is any indication of our disposable income.

And we've always shared money.

He works, I'm at home with two young children but we have one bank card with money in it. And he's always got it.

So whenever I want to make a purchase, I have to ask him. We will talk about said purchase, decide if purchase is reasonable. And then move forward/not move forward, with the purchase.

And it's starting to bug me.

It's not that he's tight. He will give me money. But I have to ask for it. And often I feel like I can't buy something/ask for something that I want because I feel it's a selfish buy, and something we can do without.

He's not a big spender himself, but I've noticed a difference in his attitude towards things he can buy, and what I can. For instance. Last month he wanted to join a gym. So he signed himself up, he didn't ask, just said this is what he was doing and did it.
Fine.
He then wanted new football boots and said they would cost around £20, they cost £31.
Fine.
I saw some nice art pens that I wanted for £16. We got the pens. But only after a half hour conversation about if I really need the pens and would I use them.

I've tried talking to him about it and he claims his purchases are necessary where as mine tend not to be.
So we should prioritise savings over want.

Does any of this seem unfair to you? Or am I just being childish?
I want to split money but he thinks this just gives us money to spend, over putting money into savings.
And I agree to a point, having money readily available will probably result in more purchases. But I feel like a child having to ask if I can buy a coffee.

Any advise on solutions would be great! And sorry for the long post!

I think your best plan is that you work out how much for bills, how much for saving and then split out an amount for spending and you both have the same amount each month

You also need your own bank account and card

I think for starters you need to get another card for the account. I'm hoping it's a joint account and not just held in his name.

Secondly, you need to sit down and have a clear conversation about money. Leisure money should be kept for each of you. Does he see the money as his alone? Or does he see it as providing for family?

It's very, very unfair of him. You stopped work to look after your children - that shouldn't mean that every time you want to spend some money you have to run it past him. How would he like that himself?

You need your own ban card. Joint accounts will provide 2 cards, 1 in each name. I would contact the bank and ask for new cards.
Splitting spending money would be a good idea as you don't have equal access to money at the moment.

You need to have access to money without having to ask. But you need to agree a family budget with your H along the lines of: once all bills are paid, you each have a set amount to spend as you see fit, every month (or week, depending on which works better).
He might just be thoughtless, but there are some men who think that, because they are the wage-earning partner, the money is 'theirs' rather than family money, and therefore they are the only person entitled to treats, and the only person entitled to make decisions.

Dh and I don't have a lot of disposable income so have set up personal accounts in addition to the joint account and agreed to a set monthly amount for frivolous spends.

Means no discussions and no scrutiny.

Get another bank card. If he’s a reasonable person he won’t have an issue with this.

Sorry but with his attitude I'd want to go back to work and make sure I have a pot of money to myself. Surely his earnings are family money?

You need your own bank card - get that sorted asap, it's just admin.

Re the rest of it, YANBU - he sees his purchases as essential and yours as frivolous but that isn't true. You also deserve financial freedom and the opportunity to buy yourselves things. You're doing the job of looking after the home and kids, so what he earns is family money. It isn't his to bestow upon you - it's a shared resource. He needs to accept this.

I would work our between you what you need each month for bills and then what you want to save each month. Then whatever is left is split absolutely equally between you and you can both spend it on whatever you like without having to ask the other. No questions from either of you about the cost or what it was etc, as long as you're both staying within your agreed limit.

It's hugely unfair and you are not being childish
He does not NEED the gym, it's a want.
HE didn't NEED the football boots, it's a want,
Same with the pens you wanted There's nothing wrong with any of those purchases. You both need fun money and he shouldn't be policing what you enjoy. It is ridiculous that he can by nice stuff without asking but you can't.

Of course justifying every spend will get you down and will cause resentment.
You need to find a fairer system and tell him to sign you up at the gym while he's at it because I'm guessing the downtime for you both isn't equal either!

This is why I don't understand when people question the set up DH and I have, we both put an agreed amount into the joint account every month (same percentage of income), it covers all bills, food, mortgage etc. We have a joint savings account we both contribute to again agreed amounts, we both have our own accounts and despite me earning more we both have the same amount in our personal accounts each month to cover car insurance, tax, mobile bills and spends. This includes things like gym, haircuts, clothing, hobbies, socialising as it's nothing to do with the other what we spend our spare money on. I'm going on mat leave at the end of the year so we'll have less coming in, but have worked it that I will put less into the joint account during that time, and he will contribute more, so we are still left with the same amount of individual money, albeit less than we usually have. Financial independence is important.

Also: make sure that things for the children are included in 'bills' and do not come out of 'your' spending money. OK, if you decide to buy the kids an ice cream that might be out of your share, but stuff like new clothes and shoes that they need should not be just down to you while your H spends all his spare money on himself.

Thank you for your responses!

It is independence that I feel I don't have. Our budget is very small, taking a percentage and giving it to ourselves does feel a little selfish. When in theory if I spend nothing then all of that can go into savings.

We don't have a joint account, we have separate accounts, but all money is in his account. And he takes the card to work. So if I need money, I will have to message him and get him to transfer money to me.

It seems like a lot of hassle, but he thinks this is the best option to curb unnecessary spending.

Yes, it's a bad attitude and not a good sign overall. He didn't consult you over the gym? For that alone, the arrangement would be over. He sees himself as more right to the money than you. He is the boss, you are lesser.

So no, no more one bank card with Big Man keeping hold of it.

Either two cards and a big conversation where you make it crystal clear that you are equal, 100% equal- or separate accounts and half of the family wage (the one he does the hours to obtain BECAUSE you make that possible via childcare) goes into yours and half into his.

If he doesn't like it then I'd tell him the arrangements are all off and you're job hunting. And when you find work, he's going to find himself having to cover 50% of childcare responsibilities.

People are quick to say oooh, but add up the cost of childcare and it's not worth you working, overall net loss etc.

But it's not about that.

On one hand, it's about investing in your future. Even if you're rock-solid, that's a smart move. For both of you but especially for you. With a man who hints at bad financial attitudes it's essential.

On the other side of the coin, it's not just about the costs of childcare. It's the logistics. This is where your contribution is quite literally probably worth - with preschoolers- his wage and then some. If he didn't have you just THERE, he wouldnt just be paying for childcare. He would be begging his employers for flexibility on his start time because the nursery won't take them til 8. He'd be racing to get home every night and having to say no to overtime, no to social stuff, no to meetings that aren't finishing dead on time and are in the diary. He'd be the one always first out of the door to the resentful stares. He'd be the one calling in for parental leave at 7 am every now and again because one of them has been sick. And so on. When he says to you, but you cover childcare and it costs x, you laugh and say, no I don't. To 'cover' what I do you can factor in early morning extra childminder cover, last minute sickness cover on standby, full time nursery and late fees, and a million other things plus peace of mind, flexibility, freedom of opportunity. Put a price on that, and then we can talk about who makes all this possible.

I think this is really controlling and very unfair.

I think couples should talk about financial decisions, but that discussion needs to happen on an equal basis. It is absolutely not one person getting to do what they want without having to justify, while the other has to provide an extensive argument for a set of pens!

Fucking awful. You're not a child. You should each have an allowance that's fair. This gives me the rage so I'll stop typing now.

well you have a budget that's mutually agreed, like sensible adults. and you stick to it, like sensible adults. he doesn't even stick to his own budgets (football shoes). right now i think he's a colossal controlling sanctimonious hypocritical prick.

Is it a joint account?

You will only be able to get a card if it is a joint account. If the account is in his name only, you will not be able to get a card for the account.

financial abuse

Why on earth have you put all your money in his account?

We pay all money into a joint account for household expenses. Each month we transfer a small amount into our personal accounts for stuff like clothes.

YANBU of course you shouldn't have to beg for money like a child. You should each have a bank card. If you don't want to share finances that's fine. Have a joint account for bills and stuff for the kids and separate accounts for random purchases and luxuries. Pay equal amounts into your separate accounts each month. You must both have access to the joint account and you should agree that you'll discuss any purchase above X amount of money.

We have a joint account, have had it since the day we got married, 20 years ago.

My DH doesn't have a clue what's in it. He is simply not interested. His salary goes in to it, which is 5 times the amount of my little monthly wage.

As long as the mortgage/bills are paid, their is food on the table, clothes on his back, and money for weekends away/our hobbies/fun money, then he is more than happy.

I am the saver, out of our joint account, and our savings are looking very healthy.

He has a debit card to use for petrol and emergencies (like get me a bottle of wine and a slab of cheese on the way home from work), but other than that, he has no 'cash' in his little wallet.

This was all his idea - he hates money. Likes earning it, but hates dealing with it.

Bless him.

This was all his idea, and it works perfectly for us.

He then wanted new football boots and said they would cost around £20, they cost £31

£31.00? That's a bargain, he must have got them in a good sale.

I agree with dragontwo. This is financial abuse. He is treating you like a child.