To not want to share money

[Ihaventsleptin84years]

Me and my partner are okay, but not great for money.
Like we could afford a spontaneous night out tonight if we wanted, but would have to save for 10 months if we wanted to go on holiday. If that is any indication of our disposable income.

And we've always shared money.

He works, I'm at home with two young children but we have one bank card with money in it. And he's always got it.

So whenever I want to make a purchase, I have to ask him. We will talk about said purchase, decide if purchase is reasonable. And then move forward/not move forward, with the purchase.

And it's starting to bug me.

It's not that he's tight. He will give me money. But I have to ask for it. And often I feel like I can't buy something/ask for something that I want because I feel it's a selfish buy, and something we can do without.

He's not a big spender himself, but I've noticed a difference in his attitude towards things he can buy, and what I can. For instance. Last month he wanted to join a gym. So he signed himself up, he didn't ask, just said this is what he was doing and did it.
Fine.
He then wanted new football boots and said they would cost around £20, they cost £31.
Fine.
I saw some nice art pens that I wanted for £16. We got the pens. But only after a half hour conversation about if I really need the pens and would I use them.

I've tried talking to him about it and he claims his purchases are necessary where as mine tend not to be.
So we should prioritise savings over want.

Does any of this seem unfair to you? Or am I just being childish?
I want to split money but he thinks this just gives us money to spend, over putting money into savings.
And I agree to a point, having money readily available will probably result in more purchases. But I feel like a child having to ask if I can buy a coffee.

Any advise on solutions would be great! And sorry for the long post!

Because him ‘speaking out against it’ isn’t the end of the matter. It’s not satisfactory, so it’s not concluded. This really boils my piss. The whole point of child benefit was to enfranchise women to some extent, and can be seen as one of the early measures against financial abuse. It was to stop men pissing housekeeping money up the wall so there was none for nappies, shoes, whatever. You should have kept it in your account. ‘Ariel view’ - what does that even mean? Explain why it’s wholly unreasonable of him to make those purchase you’ve enumerated, while you practically have to do a bloody PowerPoint presentation for some pens and a flat white.

Google 'financial abuse OP. You will find an explanation to tell him why he is being an utter shit.

If you can't have that conversation with him, you have bigger problems.

How can I have a conversation with him to consider splitting money if he's already spoke out against it?

You tell him that now you have tried his system it doesn't work, not least because he sees fit to waste money whilst questioning every penny you spend.

And for goodness sake, stop the transfer of child benefit to his account NOW.

I totally understand you.
I moved to Australia with my Aussie husband - he had bank accounts and a credit card, I had a savings account because, with zero credit history or job I couldn't get either a current account or a credit card in my own name.

He gave me his credit card, so I didn't have to worry about asking him for money - but it's HIS credit card, so he can see whatever I buy. Even this wasn't comfortable for me! So now I have a standing order into my savings account (Which he has facetiously labelled "pocket money" ) but it gives me that element of independence, so I can buy stuff that he doesn't know about, doesn't know how much it costs and allows me to have cash in my purse as well as just a credit card.
Originally he had the only current account, but now it's a joint account (since a friend of ours lost her husband in a car accident and DH does a lot of driving for his job) - but I only take cash out of my own savings account. Internet banking gives me access to the joint account of course, and I pay bills from it, but personal purchases are still out of my savings account.

I could not cope with anything less than this.

I certainly couldn't cope with the inequality of having to ask him every time I wanted something, but he could get whatever he wanted whenever.
This, to me, is financial control and therefore abuse.

You should have 3 bank accounts, one for ALL household bills, the rest of the money split between a bank account each. But the household account should include all spending on the children!

Wow I would never put up with that bullshit. Your partner is being absolutely ridiculous. Maybe he needs reminding that he only has 2 children not 3!!!

And for goodness sake, stop the transfer of child benefit to his account NOW.

Absolutely. That money was actually originally paid only to women for exactly that reason. Wtf has he got it for.

When I was a SAHM the money always came to me.

I transfer all money into his account as that's where all the bills come out of, so it made sense to have it in one pot.

We let the bank tick over throughout the month and then transfer the remainder into savings.

But I also feel like not a lot is making its way back into savings. I do have access to see what is being spent out of the account. But there's so many purchases it's hard to keep track of what's going where.

And I have no past of being bad with money or expensive habits, I'm pretty low maintenance tbh.

I also don't think you are sharing money. He has the money and you have to "pass" a test to justify anything you buy.
This probably does cut down spending. You probably could justify him having football boots and gym membership.

What about on payday, whatever is left in account, you both decide what goes in savings and the rest is split and transferred to your account. Then you can build up your own funds and don't have to ask.

Who pays if you need something for DCs. eg if you were going to take them to a birthday party and needed a present. who buys it?

Agree with a PP who has suggested you get a job. For your own sake of nothing else! Your partner has made his position quite clear and he doesn't trust you with money. I guess his position might change if he has to contribute towards childcare because you're at work.

I've just realised you're not married.

Sorry, but I think you're crazy to give up work and your career and pension contributions to live with a man, especially one who's financially abusive, when you haven't got the security of marriage.

If you want to stay with him, you should get yourself back to work as soon as possible.

his position as he sees you as less deserving of discretionary spending than him. For that reason alone I'd get my career sorted - he places a lesser value on what you do.

Stop immediately with xferring all the money out of your account - go and fix that now.

That’s totally unfair on you OP. You each need some money of your own to spend as you want to, an equal amount. Your contribution to your partnership is equal to his. This is a type of abuse OP and it has to stop. 💐

Right, you're not 'sharing money'. He has the money.

How can I have a conversation with him to consider splitting money if he's already spoke out against it?

If this is the way you think, then you have bigger issues than money. You're nervous of standing your ground, speaking up for yourself and what you believe to be equality in the relationship? Why? Because he will punish you - either by aggression, sulking, or making your life difficult?

You need to think that one through. It is absolutely a massive pointer to the answer to this being - GO BACK TO WORK. You are going to need that independent salary one day. Believe me.

I've just realised you're not married.

Sorry, but I think you're crazy to give up work and your career and pension contributions to live with a man, especially one who's financially abusive, when you haven't got the security of marriage.

If you want to stay with him, you should get yourself back to work as soon as possible.

This x1000

This isn't 'sharing' money OP. He is controlling the finances. Presumably because he 'earns the money' whilst you are simply a SAHM. In his head therefore he is entitled to pay for non -essentials (like the gym, and fb boots) but you need permission because you don't 'earn' anything. (That was sarcastic)

This isn't acceptable. You should have access to your account. I have to assume its not a joint account. Its his account? Otherwise you'd have your own card.

The way we work is that we have a joint account. Everything is paid through this. I never closed my own account, so I take a little off the joint account each month and use it for non-essentials (like clothes, because I don't need any more, and stuff for my hobby). This is because I need to monitor my own spending. DH earns about 4x what I do. I lost any chance of 'career' progression by taking a part time job after DS1 was born. I now work in a moderately well paid part time job which is super-flexible. He works full time.

DH doesn't bother with that and just spends straight from the joint account which is fine. His only 'vices' are wine and books.
I'm never questioned about spending. If the kids need new clothes, I buy them new clothes. If we need a new TV (anything big) we discuss it first, and if there's enough, we get it.

i hope the savings accounts are in both names.

they need to teach this in schools - person A and person B aren't married. Both earn a similar amount before they have children.

Person A takes 10 years out of the work force to care for children and support Person B who works long hours without worrying about childcare and receives several promotions over those years.

After 10 years, they split up. Person A gets a minimum wage job after a struggle with unemployment, whilst Person B continues to be very comfortably off after 10 years of unfettered career progression facilitated by their partner.

print out a bank statement and highlight all purchases that you didn't make. then make him justify each and every one of his.

Jawdropping. I'm never one of those on here who cry abuse, but crikey - he's done a job on you. All your money goes in his account and only he can access it?? You even transfer the child benefit to him??? Fuck. That's outrageous. Don't even go there with a joint account with a man like this. Divide the money up, get your own account healthy again and lay down some proper, fair groundrules for how it's going to work now. And if he's a shitbag who won't take that, then here - have my first LTB.

This is why I don't understand when people question the set up DH and I have

Totally agree, that's a similar set up to me and my DH. It's not that we don't trust eachother or whatever, we just both like having our own accounts and freedom to buy stuff when we want without asking permission (unless it's a big spend obviously) I suppose it's harder to do that though if one person is a stay at home parent in the relationship. I couldn't cope with having to ask someone if I can buy a packet of pens or not though

So he holds the card to stop 'unnecessary spending'. Implying that all his spending is 'necessary' and all yours is frivolous?

The more I read, the more it sounds like he's controlling. I would put my foot down and say I demand equal access to the money or I would be getting a job and he can stay home with the kids and beg for money when he needs it.

I'd be getting a part time job asap! Never ever rely on a man for money no matter how fabulous or rich he is. You need your financial independence and pension contributions. If you ever split up, you're on your arse. Look after yourself.