To not want to share money

[Ihaventsleptin84years]

Me and my partner are okay, but not great for money.
Like we could afford a spontaneous night out tonight if we wanted, but would have to save for 10 months if we wanted to go on holiday. If that is any indication of our disposable income.

And we've always shared money.

He works, I'm at home with two young children but we have one bank card with money in it. And he's always got it.

So whenever I want to make a purchase, I have to ask him. We will talk about said purchase, decide if purchase is reasonable. And then move forward/not move forward, with the purchase.

And it's starting to bug me.

It's not that he's tight. He will give me money. But I have to ask for it. And often I feel like I can't buy something/ask for something that I want because I feel it's a selfish buy, and something we can do without.

He's not a big spender himself, but I've noticed a difference in his attitude towards things he can buy, and what I can. For instance. Last month he wanted to join a gym. So he signed himself up, he didn't ask, just said this is what he was doing and did it.
Fine.
He then wanted new football boots and said they would cost around £20, they cost £31.
Fine.
I saw some nice art pens that I wanted for £16. We got the pens. But only after a half hour conversation about if I really need the pens and would I use them.

I've tried talking to him about it and he claims his purchases are necessary where as mine tend not to be.
So we should prioritise savings over want.

Does any of this seem unfair to you? Or am I just being childish?
I want to split money but he thinks this just gives us money to spend, over putting money into savings.
And I agree to a point, having money readily available will probably result in more purchases. But I feel like a child having to ask if I can buy a coffee.

Any advise on solutions would be great! And sorry for the long post!

financial abuse

It seems that way to me, too.

What if he had an accident or something, OP, you would be without funds entirely?

DH was just like that way back when. He made me give up a fantastic job which would have given us a good future, then specified what work I could do, and made it clear how much I would have to earn in order to make it worth his while to allow me to work. In the end I did nothing - I was very very ill - but after a few years I began a very long slow recovery. I have a life long condition which curtails my activities and capabilities so finding work is hard. But alongside my mental and physical recovery, dh has become a better person (this may be because I took less and less shit as I got better and better). But it does mean that I am now 60 and have not worked for 15 years, have lost any and all advantages I had back then when I met and married dh, and am now looking dor work.....

Don't let it happen to you. Ignore his demands regarding work, they're unreasonable. He is being ridiculous and you should not let him do it. He is abusive so go carefully when you disobey.

I think couples who live together or are marrived etc etc and have separate bank accounts and pay their half are extremely weird.

Lol, that's us told then!

We both pay the same amount into a joint account that covers shopping, bills, holidays, meals out etc. Every now and then the money in there builds up and we put it into a joint savings account. The rest we can do what we damn well like with.

DP buys motorbikes and fags, I buy books, clothes and cosmetics. We both buy and run our own cars. We both have our own savings as well as our joint savings.

It works for us. I don't feel guilty for spending £100 at the Clarins counter or £300 on a handbag and I don't resent him spending £200 a month on cigarettes or buying yet another motorbike.

Paying half is fine if you're both earning the same, but if one partner is earning less, it puts them at a disadvantage, as they'll have less disposable income.
That's where paying in proportions works, or pooling all the money in one account, and then after essentials are accounted for, and joint savings have been put away, the rest gets divided equally and goes into individual accounts for personal spends and/or savings.

I agree, I like having a separate account and it being private, I can see it leading to discussions if it all came out of the one account. It means you are more responsible too at times, if it is spent, you have none left! I have seen it happen where one is a spender and they don't stop and don;t have to as they are sharing with another. It is sometimes simpler to have two separate accounts and then one to pay into for bills etc.

Glad you've posted OP. Are you going to speak to him now?

"And I can only work with no loss to him. Nothing is in my name. I literally have no assets, no money, no pension and no independence."

That is fucking frightening, but don't feel stupid, abusive people are good at boxing their partners into a corner and when they don't hit you it's harder to tell you're being abused.

Please do whatever you can to get out.

He’s a financially abusive controlling wanker.

Fuck this.

What was your job before?

What are your qualifications?

What do you want to do?

Fuck thinking about 'little jobs'. You need a career, and if necessary you need to retrain. If you don't already have that in the bag, find something you a. like the sound of and b. can actually provide proper money and advancement for you. Teaching? Accountancy? Management skills/MBA?

Scope it all out before talking to him about it.

Then lay it on the line- you'll be looking to go back to work as an independent adult. Not bring some pin money in whilst making sure that the absolute priority is that he doesn't have to compromise in the slightest.

He won't like it.

This is where you get clever. You say your name is on nothing. If you've got a mortgage, that's a disaster. If renting, not so bad- the problem is literally the money flow now, and you not having access.

So you sit down and tell him that the only way you are now prepared to compromise any further on this - if he wants you to take even more of a personal hit with your career, then he steps up and makes sure you have equal security to him. Firstly, accounts joint. Secondly, name on house deeds, if applicable. Thirdly, marriage.

Then see where you get to. Oh and I'd point out that without any of that you really might as well split, you'd be better off as a single mother with tax credits than you are now...

Anyway, end game is that you get to a level of security by threatening to just fuck off to work 9-5 and leave the childcare 50% firmly in his lap OR leave him.

Then when you're in a better position on that front (or indeed, have left him) then you go for the career anyway :)

This makes me so cross. Him working/improving his career/ having money. Then him stopping or setting rules so as the OP can't do the same.
Then controlling the money in this way.
Arsehole.

Nope. Nope nope nope.

Get a job (if that's what you want). If he wants to change his hours to fit around childcare, that's absolutely his prerogative. There's no reason why your career should suffer because of his choices. Presumably you're already the one who's taken time off for mat leave etc? Perhaps he should take some of the career hit too and let you get back on an even footing?

Definitely change his account to a joint account, or re-arrange your finances so that everything is going into/out of a NEW joint account that you both have cards for.

...or you could suggest that you change all your incomings/outgoings to your account. Then you can keep the card at home, and discuss each of his purchases in detail :) Does that sound unappealing to him? Funny that... why does he think it's ok for you, but not for him?

Good advice fizzygreen