To not want to share money

[Ihaventsleptin84years]

Me and my partner are okay, but not great for money.
Like we could afford a spontaneous night out tonight if we wanted, but would have to save for 10 months if we wanted to go on holiday. If that is any indication of our disposable income.

And we've always shared money.

He works, I'm at home with two young children but we have one bank card with money in it. And he's always got it.

So whenever I want to make a purchase, I have to ask him. We will talk about said purchase, decide if purchase is reasonable. And then move forward/not move forward, with the purchase.

And it's starting to bug me.

It's not that he's tight. He will give me money. But I have to ask for it. And often I feel like I can't buy something/ask for something that I want because I feel it's a selfish buy, and something we can do without.

He's not a big spender himself, but I've noticed a difference in his attitude towards things he can buy, and what I can. For instance. Last month he wanted to join a gym. So he signed himself up, he didn't ask, just said this is what he was doing and did it.
Fine.
He then wanted new football boots and said they would cost around £20, they cost £31.
Fine.
I saw some nice art pens that I wanted for £16. We got the pens. But only after a half hour conversation about if I really need the pens and would I use them.

I've tried talking to him about it and he claims his purchases are necessary where as mine tend not to be.
So we should prioritise savings over want.

Does any of this seem unfair to you? Or am I just being childish?
I want to split money but he thinks this just gives us money to spend, over putting money into savings.
And I agree to a point, having money readily available will probably result in more purchases. But I feel like a child having to ask if I can buy a coffee.

Any advise on solutions would be great! And sorry for the long post!

This is worrying, OP. Did you work before you had the children? What was the set-up then? Whose name is the rent/mortgage in? You say DP so I assume you're not married. What about pensions etc?

If you mean literally that you have no access to money that he hasn't specifically doled out to you, this really needs fixing urgently. It's not a nice thought but what if he was suddenly incapacitated or even died - how would you provide for the family? And thinking about the day-today, what would you do if you got stranded somewhere with the kids (car breakdown, train delay, whatever) and had to pay for emergency arrangements? Perhaps expressing this to him would help him see what a precarious position you're in.

for you because I think you need to have some difficult conversations. Do you have family/friends who might be able to support you in broaching the subject?

Yiu need a transfer into your account of an agreed amount... every month. If you decide to save some of that for a rainy day then so be it.

Sorry I haven't read through all the posts, but you need a joint account. This set up is ridiculous.

Have a look at www.ynab.com (you need a budget). You set up your budget and accounts in it and it helps you track where you are at. So say you budget £400 a month for groceries. You go to the store and spend £60. Your budget will tell you you have £340 left in your grocery budget.

Spending "nothing" isn't realistic. It's better to say we have x amount for coffee with friends than feel guilty every time you go out for a coffee and think you shouldn't be spending. Or worry every time you spend money that's not on essentials because you don't know if you can really afford it.

I want to really thank everyone who took the time to post. This has honestly changed my outlook on things and the way I view this relationship.

The more I read, the more unfair it seems. We are not married, even though he knows I wanted to be. And I can only work with no loss to him. Nothing is in my name. I literally have no assets, no money, no pension and no independence.

I actually feel stupid writing all that out, because it is. I've been really stupid.

Writing this post has probably been the best thing I've done for myself in years, and I want to thank you all again for your responses. Thank you.

Every woman should have an escape fund.

You need to keep the child benefit in your account.

You are providing thousands of £££ of childcare a month and he won’t allow you £30 pwk child benefit!

You’d be better off as a working single mother with tax credits to pay for extra childcare.

Keep the child benefit in your account. Tell him you want added to his account to make it a joint account so you get your own card for the account.

OP, at least you now know and can do something. I wish you all the very best in sorting yourself out. Here’s to your future 🥂☘️🌻.

Same as FTRT here. Your account should be a joint account for which you have a card.

Is your savings joint?

OK here's what I would do. Calculate all the bills - that money stay's in account (pref joint) then what's left gets split between your account and his account. Any left goes into INDIVIDUAL SAVINGS, each in own name

Just want to send you my thoughts OP! I'm really glad you posted and I'm really pleased you've found it helpful.

Time to start a plan for getting what you want and achieving the fair balance that you deserve.

I really don't like the sound of him at all - financially abusive and i'm so unsurprised that he wouldn't marry you but expects you to act like a wife but with NONE of the protection and support/security that would be LEGALLY given to a wife. Bloody arsehole.

Hugs for you.

I think you need to start making plans to leave this man. There is a strong possibility that his behaviour is deliberate rather than thoughtless, because he wants you to be completely dependent on him. Does he ever tease you about money, 'forget' to transfer any over, or 'jokingly' suggest that you might be allowed more money if you eg give him more blowjobs?
He may, of course, just want a free childminder and housekeeper so he has all the props of Respectable Family Man at no real cost or inconvenience to himself, but it is more likely that his aim is to keep you obedient and at a disadvantage.

Can I ask what used to happen to your salary when you worked? Did he have access/use your money then? I had a very good friend who a long time ago was saving up with her boyfriend. The plan was she paid rent, bills, expenses, clothing and food and they saved his money. They split up after 2 years and she quite naturally expected half of the savings. He bought a sports car. They reconciled, married and she is still the main wage earner and still being financially abused. Beware of warning signs, you ignore them at your peril.
Also, why do you have to save if you have nothing to spend day to day.

If you are unmarried you would be better off going back to work, earning your own money, pension, savings and he should pay half of everything for the children including childcare. At the moment you have no financial independance now or in the future.

Really glad you've seen the light OP

If you went to work half the childcare bills would be his, I'd be making that clear.

Agree with others but especially with the need for you to work and the cost of childcare being down to both of you.

He will say that it is silly, there is no need, and no point in being a bit worse off but it is so much more than that!
In response you need to say that you want to work and, if he is a decent person, he will understand that.

He doesn't get to keep you poor and housebound. He really doesn't.

Go back to work asap. If that means a net loss, so be it. Stop transferring the CB immediately.

Good luck with it OP .

Id start the conversation with him by pointing out that you being a SAHM enables him to work, you are saving him a small fortune in childcare costs. If you are going to continue being a SAHM then he needs to treat you like an equal. Ask him if he would be happy in your position, and if not why

Good on you, OP. Get a bank card. Get your name on the ‘deeds’. Think about work. There will be resistance, you know there will. Don’t capitulate. There’s 100 odd posts here to bring to mind when he gets tricky.

if you have a school hours job, you'll be financially dependent for years. I can't think of a woman doing these jobs at DD's school that isn't married.

If the conversation with your partner doesn't go well op , please come back and post on this thread.

Some of us have been where you are and might be able to give you some useful advice.

I wouldn't be interested in making things work with a man like this. He's not part of a team. He hasn't got your back. He's not your friend.

You could say to him that unless everything changes, you're off. I doubt he'd take any notice.

If you did leave, you'd be far, far better off financially.

I think this guy is going to screw you financially for as long as you're linked to him.

giving it to ourselves does feel a little selfish. When in theory if I spend nothing then all of that can go into savings.

Or, as in this case, pay for his gym membership. That's not fair. I realise that it might feel awkward when you already have the DC are are not working outside the home, but this really isnt fair and needs to be resolved. Time for a talk, at least, when you are both not distracted with other things.

What did you agree before the DC along?