To not want to share money

[Ihaventsleptin84years]

Me and my partner are okay, but not great for money.
Like we could afford a spontaneous night out tonight if we wanted, but would have to save for 10 months if we wanted to go on holiday. If that is any indication of our disposable income.

And we've always shared money.

He works, I'm at home with two young children but we have one bank card with money in it. And he's always got it.

So whenever I want to make a purchase, I have to ask him. We will talk about said purchase, decide if purchase is reasonable. And then move forward/not move forward, with the purchase.

And it's starting to bug me.

It's not that he's tight. He will give me money. But I have to ask for it. And often I feel like I can't buy something/ask for something that I want because I feel it's a selfish buy, and something we can do without.

He's not a big spender himself, but I've noticed a difference in his attitude towards things he can buy, and what I can. For instance. Last month he wanted to join a gym. So he signed himself up, he didn't ask, just said this is what he was doing and did it.
Fine.
He then wanted new football boots and said they would cost around £20, they cost £31.
Fine.
I saw some nice art pens that I wanted for £16. We got the pens. But only after a half hour conversation about if I really need the pens and would I use them.

I've tried talking to him about it and he claims his purchases are necessary where as mine tend not to be.
So we should prioritise savings over want.

Does any of this seem unfair to you? Or am I just being childish?
I want to split money but he thinks this just gives us money to spend, over putting money into savings.
And I agree to a point, having money readily available will probably result in more purchases. But I feel like a child having to ask if I can buy a coffee.

Any advise on solutions would be great! And sorry for the long post!

So what if he’s ‘spoken out against it’? He’s not your boss.

Tell him it’s not working for you and you’ll be setting up a new system.

Joint account, his wages & CM can go into it. Then you transfer out x amount of money to individual accounts for you both to spend or save as you wish.

You do save more as you are doing it now, but only because you go without, he doesn’t! You can still save this money in your account, for you.

When he says its a good system to control "unnecessary" spending , hes basically meaning its a good way to control YOUR spending, not his.

We have a joint account that DH's wages go into, after bills and savings we transfer an amount into another joint account for groceries and food. Then we split what's left between us and transfer to personal accounts, I get more as I buy kids stuff with my money.

he curbs YOUR unneccessary spending not unnecessary spending full stop.

You need a joint account with both of you having bank cards. DH and I share a joint account and joint credit card with us both having cards

you both need clear access and a clear idea of what your monthly spending/bills are and what is left over for you to share

Whose idea was it for you to give up work, OP? If it was his idea, and you were initially reluctant but he talked you into it, then you really need to start thinking about ending this relationship, because that would be a clear sign of an abusive man who thinks women are less than human.
If it was your idea, then it's possible he resents the fact that he is (as he sees it) the one providing for the family while you sit on your arse, and that might explain why you are not 'allowed' to make purchases without his permission.
How does he treat you otherwise? Does he do much childcare or domestic work? Does he cook sometimes? Wash up? Or is he the sort who leaves his shitty pants on the floor rather than in the laundry basket, and won't lift a finger round the house because he is The Man and he Works Hard, and housework is your job?

I agree with PP that he is financially abusing you and you are very vulnerable because you are not married.

Are the accounts in both names? If not, get that changed.
Stop paying the CB to his account. Keep enough in your account for your expenses and transfer the leftovers to the joint savings account at the end of the month. If there is enough in his account to pay for his discretionary spending and put some in savings, there's enough for you to keep the CB.

This is awful.

Tell him you need to get added to ‘his’ account and have your own debit card. Or keep your own accounts but get him to set up and a standing order to you and you also keep the child benefit! This is ridiculous.

We each have our own sole accounts and a joint ones for bills. Our salaries go into our own accounts but when I am on maternity leave I will be contributing less so the amount of disposable income is the same.

It is not normal to have to discuss a purchase like buying a coffee- you are not a child. You need to take control of the situation before it gets worse. How old are your children?

We have a joint account and our own personal account. I work part time and he full time. We've both worked out a percentage we both add into the joint which covers bills etc with cash in our own accounts for personal use. What your DH is doing is wrong, he may not say it out loud but he believes that money is his and him not giving you access reinforces this. If I had to ask my partner for money with a reason why I wanted or needed it would really make me feel shit.

Time to get a job and stop transferring CB to him. I could not like like this, justifying everything? No way.

I also would like to know if the savings account is a joint account?
Do you have a mortgage, is it in both your names?

Also OP. Don't transfer he CB over to your dh. That cash is for you and not your dh to control.

What other cash comes into your personal account, OP? Except CB? Do you have maternity pay or anything like that? You're basically transferring your very last cent and he's allowed to spend and not you? What an ass

My children are 5 and 2, the youngest is due to start going nursery in September and I've always said I would go back to work.

My youngest is going to be going 3 days tues-thurs and I've been trying to find work to fit inside of those hours but I'm finding it very difficult.

He's insistent that we try to find childcare around and between school hours which is near on impossible.

I've had 3 failed interviews and my prospects aren't looking great. Taking work outside of school hours will result in a financial loss, and neither of us are keen on having even less money.

I'm a bit stuck tbh

Well suggest that you have the cars so he can first discuss all purchases and he can ask for a transfer. As you have too.

Do you see any bank statements OP? Odd coffee or lunch out?

less money in the short term if you do a job that includes outside school hours, but more in the long run.

I couldn't find a school hours only job either - very hard to get. He's constraining your earning potential massively.

At what point would you be able to go back to a full time job Op, or are you constrained to earning very little for years?

Joint account for bills.
Agreed amount of personal spending for both of you that you keep in your own accounts and is not questioned.

also, you mean that you'd have higher childcare costs than your one salary would earn, but are you factoring in pension and wage growth, and taking the childcare costs 50% from your salary and 50% from his?

I know it feels weird but you aren't married, he should be paying 50% of the childcare costs.

You don't have a discussion. You tell him that you want immediate and equal access to money without policing what you spend, or the relationship is over. End of discussion.

This times a trillion.

I have nothing extra to add op , pps have already said what I was about to say about you keeping cb , making sure you have equal spends and access to all family money.

I just want to wish you luck with telling your partner what you need and also with finding work

He's insistent that we try to find childcare around and between school hours which is near on impossible.
Best he start looking then?

Have you looked for evening or weekend work? Even if you did one weekend day a week, you’d be better off than you are now and it might help you to find something else going forward.
The need to save seems to be a big factor of why he won’t change the current set up. We have a really, really anal set up that might work for you too. We have four accounts - joint, his, mine and savings. I have a notebook and every month I make a list of what we need to spend. It covers EVERYTHING. I list all bills, an amount for clothing, dentist/optician/prescriptions, food, cleaning stuff, travel, anything for family activities that we have coming up, amounts for upcoming birthdays - everything! Once I have that total (rounded up a bit) I see what’s left, put some of it into savings and the rest is split between our own accounts. It sounds a bit long winded but it only takes about 15 minutes. It means that we could both blow our spending money on pay day and be absolutely fine for the rest of the month.
Oh and when I check the joint account I highlight what’s come out so I can keep an eye on how things are looking!

Gosh - no I’d not be happy about that at all.

I’m a SAHP but I’m in charge of all our finances, joint account has wages from DH in but I tell him what his pocket money will be .. but I am much better with money and any savings we have are for a house we are buying together so I guess it works for us!

It’s not selfish to have £2 to spend on a coffee/magazine/pair of socks when you want without having to ask.

it's completely unreasonable for one partner to insist that their non married partner is only allowed to look for work that is school hours only/fits around the free childcare.

Completely unreasonable.

That massively and unfairly constrains your options. If you'd come to that decision as a family and you had savings in your name to compensate for loss of earnings and loss of job prospects, that's a different story.

As a statement from one unmarried parent to another that's just a 'you pay all the costs, I'll have all the options' statement.

What's this guy like normally, OP? He sounds incredibly selfish.

So so so so many alarm bells OP

1. You're not married so all this money your transferring to his account is in his name, meaning you have nothing other than what is in your bank account if you split up.

1. Is anything in your name? House? Car? Savings account? Even the fact that bills aren't jointly in your name means you have very little credit rating.

You need to start protecting yourself financially, this arrangement you have needs to stop.

You need a joint account, bills, savings everything joint.

With someone like this I would be getting married, assuming you want to stay with him (even if you didn't at the moment you'd be better off marrying and then divorcing him).

How young are dc? Id be getting back to work asap. I hope this thread has been a bit of a wake up call as to the precarious position you're in. Good luck