To not want to share money

[Ihaventsleptin84years]

Me and my partner are okay, but not great for money.
Like we could afford a spontaneous night out tonight if we wanted, but would have to save for 10 months if we wanted to go on holiday. If that is any indication of our disposable income.

And we've always shared money.

He works, I'm at home with two young children but we have one bank card with money in it. And he's always got it.

So whenever I want to make a purchase, I have to ask him. We will talk about said purchase, decide if purchase is reasonable. And then move forward/not move forward, with the purchase.

And it's starting to bug me.

It's not that he's tight. He will give me money. But I have to ask for it. And often I feel like I can't buy something/ask for something that I want because I feel it's a selfish buy, and something we can do without.

He's not a big spender himself, but I've noticed a difference in his attitude towards things he can buy, and what I can. For instance. Last month he wanted to join a gym. So he signed himself up, he didn't ask, just said this is what he was doing and did it.
Fine.
He then wanted new football boots and said they would cost around £20, they cost £31.
Fine.
I saw some nice art pens that I wanted for £16. We got the pens. But only after a half hour conversation about if I really need the pens and would I use them.

I've tried talking to him about it and he claims his purchases are necessary where as mine tend not to be.
So we should prioritise savings over want.

Does any of this seem unfair to you? Or am I just being childish?
I want to split money but he thinks this just gives us money to spend, over putting money into savings.
And I agree to a point, having money readily available will probably result in more purchases. But I feel like a child having to ask if I can buy a coffee.

Any advise on solutions would be great! And sorry for the long post!

"we have separate accounts, but all money is in his account."

If that's the system then you need to have a joint account. Either you both have money in your accounts or you pool it in a joint account, don't let him keep it all for himself.

i wouldn't stand for it. You should both have the same amount of discretionary spending, otherwise he's placing his value over yours. Of course the situation is unfair.

You should have a joint account, and the same agreed amount for spending every month.

I would also look to go back to work or look into my career options in your shoes - not precipitately, but SAHP'g with a partner that thinks you're lesser doesn't seem a good long term plan.

A4710

I was think that - just bought my grandson new football boots. £50. And there weren't many pairs cheaper than that on offer.

the point though is that football boots and art things are both hobbies, so 'discretionary', unless her DH is a professional footballer or earns an income from it, which seems unlikely.

I don't do joint accounts largely as I got burned once and said never again - that was 10 plus years ago.
You need a card n joint acess or some cash for just you in a separate account. Even if that's just 50quid a month!
The savings and accounts need to be in your name too and truely joint if that's what they are. They don't sound like it as one card only.

You don't even get child tax credits in your account? You literally have nothing coming in that you could access? What if you have an emergency and need money quickly? You need to sit down with him and sort this out. You should have access to cash, you are not a child.

but he thinks this is the best option to curb
your unnecessary spending

You shouldn't have to ask every time you need money, that's incredibly demeaning. DH and I don't have a joint account, we pay for various bills out of our own accounts and maintain our financial independence. I would never dream of questioning him on his personal expenses and nor would he - we agree on saving a certain amount and the rest is up to our discretion. You need to get your own card ASAP and talk through his approach to money as it sounds like he's really controlling the purse strings here.

It seems like a lot of hassle, but he thinks this is the best option to curb unnecessary spending.

But it blatantly isn't, is it? There is no way on earth that gym membership is necessary spending, he could get exercise by going out running. How on earth does he make it that that and football boots are "necessary"?

What happens to child benefit?

I do get child benefit into my account, but I transfer that straight to him so we have an ariel view of money.

And he got the shoes from sports direct, they are normally quite cheap in there if you fancy a bargain.

How can I have a conversation with him to consider splitting money if he's already spoke out against it?

Thanks again for all your responses. I feel a little better about myself, honestly thought I was acting like a selfish childish brat

When I was a SAHM many years ago that's what it felt like for me. Sod that. I went to uni and got my own job and bank account. Never again.

..and don't get me wrong, a bit like your partner, my dh is kind enough but I felt I had to account for things. I hated it.

Woah, so you not having money is the way to curb unnecessary spending? What about his spending? Unless there is a massive backstory like you having debt problems or whatever this is way out of line.

@FTRT and @A4710 depends what size feet you have how cheap you can get them for. I've got them for £20 in the past but it does help that I fit the smaller men's sizes and wasn't into fashionable boots.

Are you married?
Do you own or rent your home jointly?

It sounds like financial abuse from your description.

Unless you have a history of poor money management eg running up debt to pay for too many nights out and new shoes, he has no right to behave like this. He is not your boss, your parent or your owner and, as PP have said, this sounds like controlling behaviour and financial abuse. Particularly as you transfer the child benefit into his account, but have to beg him for money even to buy groceries.
Start by telling him the child benefit is now staying in your account so you have access to cash.

You are being abused. You don't have a discussion. You tell him that you want immediate and equal access to money without policing what you spend, or the relationship is over. End of discussion.

The gym membership is a massive red flag for me. That is an on going cost - normally a fairly high one - £15-40 a month, that he has committed to for a year without any discussion or agreement. You are being treated as less important in these decisions and he feels the money is 'his'.

I’d absolutely start with getting a second bank card for the account. My DH and I manage our finances out of one account with two cards.

Most days I’m very happy with how we run money - frankly it means I get to keep close tabs on what is being spent! Sometimes my DH spends more than what I like and it has irritated me a lot. But I’ve also discovered that I should spend a little more on me. Saving is crucial to our family and we work hard at it, but I think sometimes you just need to treat yourself. I say that because my DH is great at what he ‘needs’ and I’m great at ‘doing without’.......so maybe reassess that yourself.

I would even change bank accounts / banks if the service provider can not provide two cards. I hope there is nothing else going on - such as your DH not giving you access to the bank account which would be very different.

So it's your spending which is unnecessary, but his is obviously necessary.

No, not fair. You should have a card which gives you access to family money. Remind him that he is only able to earn because you are at home looking after the children, so you are earning that money too.

You need to say to him that this set up is not working and is unfair on you.
Then you need to get him to sit down and you both go through the expenses, work out how much the bills/food/children's needs are, how much can be put away for savings, and what's left gets split between the two of you equally.

If he refuses, he's being financially abusive and you should contact Women's Aid. Don't transfer the child benefit. Start planning on leaving him.

This is one of the problems with the new universal credit, the money is going to go to one person only whereas now it is split, part to the mother and part to the father.

I would not go along with this. At least open an account just for you and get the child benefits put into that, for a bit of your own money.

Change the account to joint, have a card each. If he won't, keep your child benefit for your own expenses. It's totally unacceptable and degrading to have to ask for spending money as an adult.

The problem here is you are not sharing money. He has it, you don't. In your shoes I'd be looking for a job ASAP. He has made it clear that he can't be trusted to be fair. You need your own money.