To not want to share money

[Ihaventsleptin84years]

Me and my partner are okay, but not great for money.
Like we could afford a spontaneous night out tonight if we wanted, but would have to save for 10 months if we wanted to go on holiday. If that is any indication of our disposable income.

And we've always shared money.

He works, I'm at home with two young children but we have one bank card with money in it. And he's always got it.

So whenever I want to make a purchase, I have to ask him. We will talk about said purchase, decide if purchase is reasonable. And then move forward/not move forward, with the purchase.

And it's starting to bug me.

It's not that he's tight. He will give me money. But I have to ask for it. And often I feel like I can't buy something/ask for something that I want because I feel it's a selfish buy, and something we can do without.

He's not a big spender himself, but I've noticed a difference in his attitude towards things he can buy, and what I can. For instance. Last month he wanted to join a gym. So he signed himself up, he didn't ask, just said this is what he was doing and did it.
Fine.
He then wanted new football boots and said they would cost around £20, they cost £31.
Fine.
I saw some nice art pens that I wanted for £16. We got the pens. But only after a half hour conversation about if I really need the pens and would I use them.

I've tried talking to him about it and he claims his purchases are necessary where as mine tend not to be.
So we should prioritise savings over want.

Does any of this seem unfair to you? Or am I just being childish?
I want to split money but he thinks this just gives us money to spend, over putting money into savings.
And I agree to a point, having money readily available will probably result in more purchases. But I feel like a child having to ask if I can buy a coffee.

Any advise on solutions would be great! And sorry for the long post!

Well OP, you know now, don't beat yourself up, many women do the same, because they trust their partners.

Now, time to make plans.
Stop transferring the CB.

If you do the shopping on your own, and he gives you the card to pay, start adding cashback to the bill. It gets included in the total of the grocery shop on his bank statement, so he won't know, as long as he doesn't see the receipt. I'd just get £10-£20 each time to start with, so the jump in what you normally spend and the new spend isn't so obvious. You can say you'd run out of a few things that week. Cleaning products all seem to need replacing at the same time, and prices seem to be going up nearly every week.

Have a read up about financial abuse, and have a look at the Women's Aid website.

Keep trying to get a job, any job, even if it's weekends or evenings, when he can do the childcare.

Get money squirrelled away. You're going to need an emergency fund that he doesn't know about.

DON'T GET PREGNANT!

Keep talking to us. Things are going to get tough and you'll need support. Many of us have been in your shoes, or know someone else who has, so we can help you through this.

Do you have a close friend or mum/dad/family you can confide in? Having someone IRL to support you will be a massive help.

Good luck, you can do this!

You need a joint account. The current system allows him full control and you none. This is despite the fact you make an equal contribution to the family by looking after the children. Not fair at all.

Tell him he has lost all right to have the sole card by not checking with you before he paid for the gym. Then go straight to the bank and get a joint account opened and have his salary paid into it.

The current system allows him to financially control you. This is not how a healthy relationship works.

I second getting job so you have an income. Preferably one that inconveniences him, ie evening or weekend work. I don’t know your skills but what about waitressing or bar work? Let him mind his own kids for a change.

Is he unfair in other aspects of your life together? It seems a bit ridiculous that he's allowed to buy whatever he wants without running it by you, but your stuff is "unnecessary".

Sort out your savings, and money so you know you have money for things like this without having to ask

OP - Please take this as a turning point. You are very vulnerable and being financially abused. Don't let it continue.

Did he not want to get married 'because it's just a piece of paper'? It isn't - it's a legally binding document that protects all parties in the case of a breakdown in the relationship. Why is your name on on the property? Are the savings joint name? If not have half transferred to an account in your name.

You must protect yourself.

BTW childcare is a joint responsibility for both working parents and NOT the mothers. You both find, organise and pay for any childcare whilst you work.

How much total money (child tax credits and wages) do you have a month?
How much are all the bills?
How much goes into savings?

I'd be expecting to have the same amount to spend as he does. Whether you spend it though or choose to save in your own account should be up to you. I couldn't deal with asking him for money!

We have a joint account for all bills and separate accounts for our own money. Though to be honest if there's a big purchase (holiday) whoever has the money pays.

My dh was mildly like this and it wasn't down to anything except simply not knowing what was needed here or there.
We got joint account.. But all money comes out each month. We save specifically for everything. Bday, holiday, food, petrol, Xmas... Weekend, going out all of its broken down. We know exactly where we are now.

This is making me think, am i financially abusive? I keep the child tax credits and get some PIP / ESA for a health condition, and don't share some of that. Bit he gets the working tax credits part. Is that now how tax credits is meant to work though, they separate it like that. I do transfer some money to go towards bills and mortgage each month though.

Adding to the calls of financial abuse, because that's exactly what it is. Stop the CB going into HIS account for starters, and get a joint account so you can have a card. Any resistance to this and he's pretty much admitting to you right there and then, that he's an abuser. And as is often said on here, when people tell you who they are - listen! I'm betting the savings are all in his name too right? Given you aren't married and your name isn't on the account you'd be buggered getting your half out of there if you split up. Good idea on the cashback as well. If he acts like a twat when you want equal access to shared money then you need to start taking something back to squirrel aside for you, right now you have nothing.

We don't have a joint account, we have separate accounts, but all money is in his account. And he takes the card to work. So if I need money, I will have to message him and get him to transfer money to me.

It seems like a lot of hassle, but he thinks this is the best option to curb unnecessary spending.

Only to curb your spending though, right? This is financial abuse. I'm glad you see that now.

He sounds very controlling.

He can decide what's a necessary for him and you, he's got the power.

He can decide on his gym and football boots without a discussion but you can't buy pens without one. Talk to him about this, how u have to ask for something like a child.

Some previous posters have suggested good solutions- work out how much u have each to spend after bills and savings. He has to transfer you your amount for month. Or get a joint card.

If he doesnt agree, get a job and both pay towards childcare. That will make him think.

I don’t know where you live but certain gym chains in London and the South East are in the region of £140 per month.

Stop transferring money to him.

If you get any tax credits get them to your account.

Is the house in joint names?

Start looking at jobs. Full time. Just in case.

He's using you like a slave while he lines his saving accounts, gets gym memberships and makes you account for some fucking pencils. What a shit.

I could now put up with this
IME he will only get worse
Have s proper discussion along the lines pp have suggested ie equal access equal fun money etc
If that doesn't work I would get a job

@Ihaventsleptin84years having myself been a victim of financial abuse I am truly sorry that you are having to go through this. Writing it down is the first step to regaining independence from a man who is controlling you to the point where you have to ask for money - like a child - to buy some pens.

I agree with @alwayswearsunscreen. Also, when I found out, I went to the Jobcentre and I asked for advice. I am now working my way towards financial independence whilst we go through the most acrimonious divorce because he STILL will not share money. We have two children under 10 together. He has never thought of me as equal. His behaviour now it is out in the open, is unbearable, but fortunately I am letting my Solicitors deal with him.

Good luck OP, look after yourself. And stop transferring the child benefit.

Had it opened your eyes to any other inequality in your relationship op? Like does he make all the decisions, or do you end up falling into his plans because "you don't mind"?

i don't know that i need more evidence - he's leaving her with no money, questioning every spend, and has told her she's only to get a job that can be covered by the free childcare hours, making it VERY hard for her to find a good job.

Good luck OP, I hope you manage to get yourself back on equal footing or out of the relationship. You can do it.

i don't know that i need more evidence - he's leaving her with no money, questioning every spend, and has told her she's only to get a job that can be covered by the free childcare hours, making it VERY hard for her to find a good job.

Reading this sounds so bizarre, like trying to imagine my DH telling me what kind of job I'm allowed get :/

This is making me think, am i financially abusive?

@LovelyBath77 what about this makes you think you are being financially abusive? Do you have all the money coming in to the household in an account in your name only, and only let your partner have any to spend on something for themselves after justifying their purchase to you?
Are all the savings and house in your name only?

Or did you mean are you being financially abused?

From what you've said, it doesn't sound like you're being abusive, and you haven't said enough to tell if you're being abused, but if you're unsure, google "Financial abuse" and read up about it.

I think couples who live together or are marrived etc etc and have separate bank accounts and pay their half are extremely weird.

YANBU

If you live together. 1 joint account with two cards should do.

I think this sounds off too, you should really have your own pool of money to access. You shouldn’t have to ask permission for every purchase, especially as you’re adding in money to that ‘joint account’ yourself. I couldn’t live like that.

If you have access to the account, go over it with a very fine comb, compare what you pay in vs what your personal/shared expenditures are (ie bills) vs what’s left over at the end of the month. I would tell him he needs to transfer £XXX amount from his account/savings into your personal account, and from now on your wages remain in your account. You can just transfer your half of the bills each month.

I do get child benefit into my account, but I transfer that straight to him so we have an ariel view of money.

Oh dear.

How can I have a conversation with him to consider splitting money if he's already spoke out against it?

Because he is not the boss of you. You are equal partners in your relationship. You need to find a way together to find a solution that is fair to both of you, not that lets him take autonomous decisions and you have to 'beg'. I notice you feel selfish, when he is the one acting selfishly.

Is it possible that he has engineering a situation to get you feeling like that?

MN is a brilliant resource for people in your situation, there is a lot of good advice and, yes, wisdom and people prepared to support you around here. You have come to the right place