To wreck our lives and end it

[LostwithSawyer]

Monday night my husband had a stroke, to say it was awful is an understatement.
He's been transferred to a specialist hospital an hr from home.
Before visiting today I cleaned up & discovered a secret phone.
Now we've been here before, years ago.
I forgave believed in 2nd chances and thought we were good.
Clearly Not!
It's the same woman. It stopped for years but started last yr.
To say I'm devastated is putting it mildly.
I've spoken to her and know all the juicy details. But he's in + out of consciousness.
Briefly I told him I know and he just stared at me. Told me hes sorry and loves me.
Love, is that what this is? If it is then love can fuck right off!
But we have kids who are devastated they can't see him in hospital.
I hate him. But I love him too.
I don't want to visit. But he's Ill.
He's messed up so bad there's no going back from this. But my beautiful kids are heartbroken. How can i make it worse right now?
I'm stuck!

I hope you're feeling all the strength we are all sending you! When the children can see him then let them, but don't go yourself. Tell the staff what has happened so they are aware. Tell his family. Be prepared for how you will explain to the children, I don't know whether you prefer to tell the truth or keep it from them, you know your children best, though I would suggest telling them the truth at some point, you don't want to made to feel like the bad guy after everything youve been through! It's a horrible situation and I wouldnt wish a stroke on anyone, but it's given you the chance and space to think things through and act accordingly. Let us know how you get on!

You don’t have to do anything right now tbh, I’d just continue supporting my dc as they must be suffering terribly with him so ill and they should always be the main concern.

You won’t have to share a house or anything with him right now as his in hospital and you don’t have to visit until obviously the dc are allowed to attend and need an adult with them so that does give you a bit of thinking time and just support the dc everything else can be dealt with as you see fit at a later date.

Yes what his done isn’t on but he is really ill the moment and his still your dc father so he needs to get better if only for them as they are suffering so I would leave any emotional big talks until he is at least able to communicate better as right now it doesn’t sound as if he can

I’m shocked the main attitude here is having revenge for what he did and not prioritising the DC whose father might die, might be dying. The OP has plenty of time for revenge in the future, right now her care should be for her DCs. The attitude is let’s make him suffer and do our best to shame him in the wider family , if his DCs have life long issues thanks to being unsupported during this drama it’s all his fault. The ops been cheated on sod everyone else!

I think the children are too young and vulnerable to be told that their father cheated on their mother. But at some point before discharge they need to be told that Mum and Dad have decided not to live together anymore. As far as I'm concerned Dad 'made that decision' when he decided to cheat.

PP's are right. The immediate need is to gather all financial information and see a solicitor. Do it NOW whilst he's still hospitalized as it will give you time to digest your rights regarding your financial position and ask questions about him not coming home. And try to get his family involved in accepting responsibility for his care. But don't be surprised if no one jumps up to take him on.

Legally, you can not bar him from his own home. I assume if you let the hospital know in the strongest possible terms that he has no carer available in the home they'll try to make other arrangements, but in the end if he insists there's really nothing you can do to stop him, barring a legal injunction.

If I were in your shoes OP there's absolutely no way in Hades I'd be set up to be this despicable cheaters carer. No way. He ended 'our' relationship when he cheated, lied and by having sexual relationships with another person - put the OP at risk of infection without informed consent.
Tell the nurse's Dr s and hospital - that you are categorically not his carer. Next - straight to the divorce solicitor - in my opinion OP you can't 'end' what he has already ended but you can save yourself and therefore also by extension your dcs.
Inform (not discuss ) tell your relevant in laws and family that you will be divorcing.
Furthermore I'd take the dcs in for visits to the hospital only once Dr s ok it - purely for the benefit of the dcs but I'd be escorting them and that's it - not engagement /chatting with 'him' whatsoever.
Good luck

Sorry op, I've re-read the thread and now see that your dc are 9 and 12. Imo of you don't handle this carefully with them, you will be seen as the villain for abandoning their father. However, I still don't think that you should tell them that he's been having an affair - I genuinely believe that will he detrimental to them too. It sounds from what you've said that he may have escaped with a mild stroke, but you need to wait until there is more detail on the possible length of his recovery. In the meantime, support your dc to see them in hospital when they're able to and find out where you stand legally/ financially. If you were to separate do you have your own income or would you need to fight for spousal maintenance? These are all things a solicitor can advise you of. Worth bearing in mind that if you file for divorce on the grounds of adultery you will likely be advised by your solicitor not to name the OW as it makes things very messy. But the first step is to get an appointment for legal advice, find all your documents (mortgage, bank accounts etc) and get as much info/ evidence together as possible. When you find out what damage has been done by the stroke, you can decide from there where to go next.

So sorry the absolute shit has done this to you. You are not wrecking or ending anything, he's done that.

I would leave him immediately.

I would take the children to see him when it's reasonable to do so and allowed by the hospital, but I would leave him immediately.

I wouldn't allow him back to the house for you to take care of him.

I would make it very clear to the hospital and him that that won't be an option.

I would get legal advice and proceedings in place to formalize the separation and ultimate divorce.

Have all the evidence and paperwork you'll need to protect yourself from here on out.

ANd remind yourself when you waiver: HE did this. HE cheated on you. AGAIN. He LIED and HID and gave away family time and money to another woman.

And if YOU had had the stroke, you know he wouldn't be there for you. He'd be off with the OW, wouldn't he. REmember that when he whines and begs. Because he will. Because OW may not want him if there are medical issues.

Good luck, OP. Hold your head up high and remember you haven't done anything wrong. He has. THe people who truly count will know that; the rest don't matter.

Def do not change the NOK! If he does die, or there is a 'terminal illness' clause or similar in his assurance/work policies, you don't want all his 'Death in Service' benefit to go to her!

And you need to be in control - this means you are the first point of contact. And you can decide who sees him, and when. And what happens thereafter.

You are the one in control here, OP - don't just fling it her way. I know it's hurtful and you are in shock and pain, but do nothing until you know it to be in your and your dc's best interests.

Cool and calm. Not hot and rash.

Just wanted to add to the chorus of yanbu and you’re amazing. How anyone is to cope in this situation is beyond me, but you’re doing amazingly

Wow what great responses. Thank you.
Well I've called the hospital and asked after him. That's about all my wifey duties are willing to do today.
I've had a very frank conversation with his parents. Told them I don't want him home. Can he go to them, they will pick him up when ready.
I will take the children in to see him on Sunday. It is fathers day after all.
Sti clinic booked. Citizens advice and solicitor I will research tmw.
I feel a sense of calm. Which is odd. Probably because I know this is it. I'm not who I was all those years ago.
Ow has messaged saying its mainly friendship. That did make me chuckle.
But I don't care. The pair of them can sod off. I've wasted so many years giving him my all. No more!

Good for you. Seriously, GOOD FOR YOU.

I can remember when I finally made the decision to leave exP, I felt bizarrely calm. And relieved. However emotionally hard it is to exit, it's not as hard, ultimately, as living with the consequences of betrayal.

You're doing brilliantly.

I wouldn't allow him back to the house for you to take care of him
So how would you stop it?.

This kind of advice always seems bizarre. Are you in the real world?
Someone who owns a house jointly ,we assume, cannot be locked out by his wife no matter what he has done (unless violence and the law is involved.)

He has a right to live in his house. She doesn't have to care for him, but she cannot turn him out if he wants to come home.

Queen is right, if it’s his house (or half) he can demand to come home, doesn’t mean OP has to care for him but it could make things difficult. Hopefully he will chose to go back to his parents when discharged.

Your marriage may be over but in my opinion, you have a duty to still let your children see him.You need to be strong for them and let them see him, they may well choose otherwise one day but he is still their dad.

At least you won't ever have to cook for him or do his laundry even if legally he is returning home.

Is there a room in the house you can give him while you sort things out financially and legally if he does insist he's coming home?

Sorry just read your update. Well done. I suspect your advice will be that if he wants to return to his home he can, after all I assume he's on the mortgage with you.
Now don't you dare go back to him again!

Ow has messaged saying its mainly friendship.

‘Mainly”???? So apart from the sex then, they were just pals?!!! Oooh I can almost hear the sound of frantic back-pedalling from here, cant you?!!

How did his parents react?

Well yes he can go back to the house legally, but if he needs any care (and he could well do if his cognitive abilities are still affected) then why would he? The OP can, and I hope will, refuse to be his carer so he wouldnt practically be able to live there.

I'm glad you're managing and are in the calm take no shit mode. Just a suggestion. One way of explaining it to DC is 'Daddy and Mummy decided to just be friends instead of being married. Daddy wants to get better at GPs house once the drs say he can leave the hospital. We're all a bit sad about it so if you want to talk about it to someone than let me know and I'll sort it out. '. As they get older you can explain more.
Give the DC's school a heads up about it as well so that they know.

She Texted you? how the fuck does she (a) have your number and (B) have the utter shameless cheek to actually contact you.

I hope you told her to FTFO and never ever come near of you again.

How fucking dare she!

what an absolute nightmare situation, so sorry you are having to deal with this.

Firstly you have not wrecked any lives, you H did that when he started having an affair again, after you had forgiven him, you are absolutely right to end it, and had you just happened to find the information without your H being ill I guess you would have ended your marriage, no third chances, him being ill does not change that, just delays it.

Of course he is going to say he is sorry and he loves you, he is vulnerable, scared and facing his own mortality, would he have said that if he wasn't ill, I doubt it, he would most likely have left you high and dry whilst galloping off into the distance with the OW.

At the moment you need to think of yourself and your kids, they will be devastated, and scared, imagining the worst. They are old enough to understand that their dad is ill, and at the moment they cant see him, tell them that is what the hospital said, and that as soon as possible they will see him, reassure them as much as you can that he is ok but not well enough to see them. If you are sure your marriage is over, I would maybe say to them what someone else suggested about Daddy being in love with someone else so you will not be together anymore, that could be to much for them at the moment though.

you dont have to visit if you dont want to, you owe him nothing, he deserves nothing from you, do not allow him to use his illness as an ace card to manipulate you, do what is best for you emotionally, physically and financially. As others have said start to prepare for your future without him, get paperwork organised, arrange a solicitor, speak to the hospital about ongoing care, if you feel up to it, maybe send a message to his family briefly outlining what he has done, say you hope they will support your children at this difficult time, make it clear that you will not be responsible for his ongoing care when he leaves hospital, fuck what they think. Speak to RL friends and your family so they can support you.

finally lots of luck to you and your children, it all horrible, complicated and raw at the moment, things will approve

Make sure that you look into critical illness insurance policies that you and your husband may have on your mortgage. It depends on the policy but your mortgage could be fully or part paid off. If you are divorcing then this would give you both a fresh start.

just seen your update, sounds like ow is backing off now its not going to be fun but more likely to be caring, and good to see you sounding stronger

Mainly friendship

What. Friends with fucking benefits? After being caught out together by you before?

Utter cow. Block her.

I'm glad you told his parents what's what and that they'll have to have him at theirs when he's released.

I agree that OW sounds like she is back tracking. I very much doubt she wants her married man now she may have to wipe his bum for him......