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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wreck our lives and end it

313 replies

LostwithSawyer · 13/06/2018 23:20

Monday night my husband had a stroke, to say it was awful is an understatement.
He's been transferred to a specialist hospital an hr from home.
Before visiting today I cleaned up & discovered a secret phone.
Now we've been here before, years ago.
I forgave believed in 2nd chances and thought we were good.
Clearly Not!
It's the same woman. It stopped for years but started last yr.
To say I'm devastated is putting it mildly.
I've spoken to her and know all the juicy details. But he's in + out of consciousness.
Briefly I told him I know and he just stared at me. Told me hes sorry and loves me.
Love, is that what this is? If it is then love can fuck right off!
But we have kids who are devastated they can't see him in hospital.
I hate him. But I love him too.
I don't want to visit. But he's Ill.
He's messed up so bad there's no going back from this. But my beautiful kids are heartbroken. How can i make it worse right now?
I'm stuck!

OP posts:

Mayagoldchoc · 14/06/2018 20:58

"Leave her name and number on a note beside his bed."

This. You're not obliged to care for him. It will be a long winded recovery. Better that someone who cares for him does it anyway.

Monkee4 · 14/06/2018 21:31

Just wanted to say you are not alone OP and it sounds like you did really well telling his parents. What did they say about their son I wonder? I'm glad you feel calm - maybe that's because you have been unhappy for a long time. You are doing exactly the right things. I agree with others now is not the time for retribution and aggression. He knows exactly what he's done. But I really do feel for you because your priority is the children (his priority should be the children too!) So you are having to hold it all together in a totally shitty situation for them. Good on you and make sure his parents share the load so the grandchildren can go to them while you sort yourself out and take time out for you. Talk to friends, have some me time and look after yourself.

TeatimeForTheSoul · 14/06/2018 21:34

@Lostwithsawyer it must be so hard dealing with all this right now.
For good or bad your not-so-DH has the right to return home (if he owns it with you). The team who plan discharge will have no choice but to plan for this. Once they’ve assessed his needs they’ll soon be liaising with his GPs to order any equipment, meds or ongoing rehab that he needs as it takes ages to come. So if you tell them asap that home may not be his discharge destination (you don’t even have to be definite) and give them his parents address too, this will give you more options. So please tell the ward/team as soon as you can to make it easier on you. From experience they will not judge. But if time runs on and the6 order everything to home address it may take the choice out if your hands.

Quantumblue · 14/06/2018 22:08

Well done OP, you are a strong person. Just adding to the chorus of 'do not become his carer'. Not for a few days because that will become a few weeks or months. It is a hard, hard thing to do even if you dearly love the person.

farter · 14/06/2018 22:51

I suppose his parents could come to your house to look after him, as a compromise? Awful but possibly only temporary..

GabsAlot · 14/06/2018 22:54

why should he farter

get to use a home he and move his parentsin too!

GabsAlot · 14/06/2018 22:55

destroyed"

AcrossthePond55 · 15/06/2018 00:32

"Mainly friendship"

It really would be karma if the OW truly does consider OP's stbx as a fuck buddy and he thinks of her as a 'great love'.

Nat6999 · 15/06/2018 01:25

While he is in hospital use the time to move as much money as you can so you have a deposit if you need it & for if he cuts off finances, move as much personal property as you can so he can't claim it, change the locks in case he tries to get other woman to get in while you are visiting or out with children, get the best solicitor you can, don't get taken off as next of kin, if he gets any large payments of critical illness cover or ill health retirement from work you are due to half of them. Move as much paperwork to a trusted friend or relation, you have the time to be one step ahead of him now, you control what you want for yourself & your son's futures.

Italiangreyhound · 15/06/2018 01:40

So sorry this is happening.

For what it is worth I would spend this time getting everything in order. I would just focus on your kids.

Once he is well enough to leave hospital I would talk to him about where he is going to go and explain the situation as best as you can to the children based on what you decide then.

I am sure you are massively angry and unhappy with him, and you are rightly so. But for now, I would just focus on getting past this stroke. What he is done is appalling and your anger is totally right. He is your children's father and for their sake I would maintain 'normal' as best you can. This is what I would hope to do in this situation but I will certainly understand if you go a different route.

Monty27 · 15/06/2018 01:41

Don't change nok because you need to be kept in the picture.
I think it would be ideal on his discharge that he goes to his parents. That way the DC's won't question anything.
It sounds like a minor stroke, was it? If so use the time to sort yourself out.
The ow doesn't sound very keen now. Funny that. It wasn't a love thing then. Just messing around and breaking up a family.
Keep strong op. And don't feel sorry for him. Just look after yourself and your DC's
Take care.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/06/2018 01:54

Yeah, don't do what Nat6999 advises. You can't legally change the locks if his name is on the house and draining bank accounts is NOT looked on favourably by the courts. And you can move 'personal property' but that doesn't stop the other party from 'claiming it' in a divorce so you may well be asked to return it.

You need good legal advice before you start moving large amounts of money or property around. Yes, you could probably take up to half of any joint accounts without causing problems, but move 'as much money as you can'? No.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/06/2018 02:05

I know of a lady whose husband had a longterm affair with her friend.
She knew nothing of it until he had a near-death experience (can't remember if it was stroke of heart attack) and thought he was done for. He decided to do a death-bed confession, which shocked her dreadfully of course - but then, he didn't die.
He also had Parkinson's.
She took him home and was his carer for the next 4 years. She used to call the ambulance service sometimes to come and get him because she couldn't stand it another minute.
She hated him but he was her world - but it nearly killed her to have to look after him, knowing what she did.
In the end it did actually kill him - they had a fight and she accidentally (honestly) stabbed him. He tried to hold her wrists but Parkinson's made him weak and his hold gave way. He didn't die immediately and I don't think she expected him to but he did. She went to prison over it but not for murder.

You can't have him back. Not even for your children's sake. It's mentally and emotionally ruining for you.

So sorry you're having to deal with this absolute horror of a situation.

CristalTipps · 15/06/2018 02:05

Ow has messaged saying its mainly friendship.

Translation - I hope you don't expect me to look after him...

Monty27 · 15/06/2018 02:15

Just that Cristal.
'omg it was an affair but I can't nurse him!'
Thumbs that's awful.

Quantumblue · 15/06/2018 02:37

Yes. 'It was fun meeting up secretly for sex but I don't want to deal with a bed pan for a grumpy unwell man.'
He has broken the bond that would have had you doing this for him.

whywhywhywhywhyyy · 15/06/2018 03:35

Make the staff at the hospital aware. His discharge planning will currently be with the view to him coming home to you.

Kotare · 15/06/2018 04:47

"Great. Then you'll have stuff to chat about while you look after him".

You are doing amazingly OP.

Fivelittleduckies · 15/06/2018 05:29

mainly friendship.

This infuriated me. But I won’t spout off, all I will say is that OP you are doing amazing and I wish you the most strength as you work through this next stage of your life.

CanuckBC · 15/06/2018 05:44

“It was mainly friendship” my arse. It was fucking and talking about being together and putting down the wife and their relationship. She obviously knew about you and yours.

She is now distancing herself as far and wide as she can. It didn’t mean anything... No really!!! I wonder how he would feel about her admissions?!?

Steer clear of any interactions. Keep copies of all of their interactions. Beware if it’s an Apple phone he can delete all of the phones content from a distant via lost my iPhone app. He may not be able to do it now but can get a friend or family member to help out.

You are doing what is right for now. Keep on keeping. Take care of yourself and your children. Don’t worry about him, he is in the best place for his health and they will take care of him. You have set up care for him after. Now time for self care and taking time to heal.

Leave yourself as officially NOK but let the hospital know what is going on. Until you are legally separated and divorced you are NOK for financial and medical things. As much as it sucks in this moment when you make any decisions don’t think of him as your asshole spouse, just think of him as your kids dad. Try and separate the two.

I am Canadian so big Canadian hugs from me and a large glass of wine and some tasty chocolate. Go to a room with all or a long soak in the bath if you like with a good book and just be for a bit.

Nat6999 · 15/06/2018 05:48

AcrossthePond55 I wasn't suggesting that OP empties the bank accounts, just to make sure she has some money squirrelled away in case her husband gets the accounts frozen or clears them himself, she can change the locks as long as her husband has a key if or when he returns out of hospital, if she had lost her keys there would be nothing stopping her getting them changed.

snewname · 15/06/2018 05:52

Ah well, at least some good has come of this stroke - for you, if not him. It's done you a favour and whilst it's hard at the moment, it will get easier.
Do what you need to, for the kids sake, but you owe him no more.

Monty27 · 15/06/2018 06:16

I don't think he will be in any state of mind to do much which gives op time to save the evidence and get paperwork in order

tccat · 15/06/2018 07:43

Just so people are aware, next of kin has no legal bearing in the UK at all, none at all, it is irrelevant regarding any financial stuff

Original poster

LostwithSawyer · 15/06/2018 11:15

It's nice to hear support.
Thank you.
Yesterday i was angry today I'm devastated and can't stop crying.
But it's better out than bottiling it all up.
My children are desperate to see their dad. It hurts their in so much pain and it's going to get worse.

OP posts:

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