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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wreck our lives and end it

313 replies

LostwithSawyer · 13/06/2018 23:20

Monday night my husband had a stroke, to say it was awful is an understatement.
He's been transferred to a specialist hospital an hr from home.
Before visiting today I cleaned up & discovered a secret phone.
Now we've been here before, years ago.
I forgave believed in 2nd chances and thought we were good.
Clearly Not!
It's the same woman. It stopped for years but started last yr.
To say I'm devastated is putting it mildly.
I've spoken to her and know all the juicy details. But he's in + out of consciousness.
Briefly I told him I know and he just stared at me. Told me hes sorry and loves me.
Love, is that what this is? If it is then love can fuck right off!
But we have kids who are devastated they can't see him in hospital.
I hate him. But I love him too.
I don't want to visit. But he's Ill.
He's messed up so bad there's no going back from this. But my beautiful kids are heartbroken. How can i make it worse right now?
I'm stuck! AngrySad

OP posts:
WickedLazy · 14/06/2018 11:47

"Also considering what you know now... what do you think he’d have done if it wasyouthat had the stroke?
Do you think he’d be supporting you, living you, helping you?
I seriously doubt it... he’d leave a man shaped hole in the wall running as fast as he can to his OW.
You owe him nothing"

^This is a good point.

justilou1 · 14/06/2018 11:54

I hope that that the stroke at least gives him lasting erectile disfunction.

FizzyGreenWater · 14/06/2018 11:56

One of the things you gamble with when you cheat is the security of knowing that you have a partner who you've invested in, who has invested in you, a person you have chosen to 'throw your lot in with' - you are a duo, and when hard times come, you know they'll be there for you.

He pissed all over that. Threw it away, thinking he didn't need it.

All this shows is just how big a gamble he took, and how fate has meant that he's lost most spectacularly.

He can't expect a damn thing, he'd just better hope that his mistress considers him a reasonable enough investment to provide at least some of that care, support, love he might have expected. She might not, given that he's a known cheat - she might drop him like a hot brick. But that's the essence of the risk he took all along.

peartreeishappy · 14/06/2018 11:57

Put yourself and your children first. The hospital will want him out once he’s well enough to go, and you’ll end up stuck with him. It is very arduous caring for someone you love, but being trapped caring for an adulterous lump will be even harder.

See a solicitor and inform the nursing staff that he will NOT be being discharged into your care. Tell the ow he’s her responsibility now.

peartreeishappy · 14/06/2018 11:59

If his blood pressure has been elevated recently and he’s been taking viagra then that may have exacerbated things and led to the stroke.

AbsolutelyBeginning · 14/06/2018 12:02

FizzyGreenWater

Great post.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 14/06/2018 12:05

Fizzygreenwater, spot on

that is why you should not feel guilty OP

Failingat40 · 14/06/2018 12:06

@busybarbara This is God's way of punishing him it catches up with everyone in the end. So if you feel that God's punishment is enough maybe you could find it in your heart to forgive x

Let's keep these religious ramblings away from here eh.

Most of us don't believe there's any magical man living in the sky. Hmm

Op I hope you're doing ok, what a horrible double shock you've had. In no way should you feel obligated now to maintain the 'dutiful wife act' just because he's in hospital.

fluffyrobin · 14/06/2018 12:11

Let his family know the truth.

Give them copies of the evidence if they don't believe you.

Pack up his stuff and leave it at theirs or for them to collect.

Say to his family they can collect the dc to visit him as you won't be taking them.

Tell your dc the truth.

Get your financial side in order.

See a solicitor.

Tell the hospital you are separated and give them the Ow's number.

The last thing you want is to be saddled with his long term care in your home as he may not fully recover.

Your dc can visit him at the hospital and thereafter at Ow's house.

You can look towards a bright future with no one disrespecting or emotionally damaging you.

TeatimeForTheSoul · 14/06/2018 12:11

Yet again FizztGreenWater has put it beautifully.

Please let the ward/hospital staff know as soon as you feel able. Discharge planning starts very early on and it will be effected by this. The staff will understand (believe me they see lots of different situations). Just ask for a quite chat with his named nurse, ward manager or the psychologist (if there is one). It may take some pressure off you and help staff understand the different dynamic they’ll have seen and be seeing.

SuitedandBooted · 14/06/2018 12:14

Get the phone back- you may need the evidence.
Tell his family
Do NOT change NOK yet
The children will be able to see him when he improves. Keep them informed of his condition in an age-appropriate way.
Gradually get the financial info etc together. Block access to any joint accounts if you can - He may turn to his OW or parents for help if he realises you won't accept him back.

Make it very clear to the hospital and his family that he will not be coming home with you. He can go to his OW or parents, if they're fairly near.

Do not be guilted into taking on long-term care for someone you neither love or respect. It will break you.

Thebluedog · 14/06/2018 12:16

I wouldn't be supporting him. He made your marriage vows null and void when he broke his own. Leave her name and number on a note beside his bed. I would take the dc for regular short visits, while he's in, but that's it. You could use that time to get your ducks in a row and decide what you want to happen next.

This with bells on it!
I’d also arrange for him to stay with someone, family, ow, friends when he comes out. If he needs care when he leaves hospital and you let him back I the house you’ll never get him out agian

SecretSantaaaaaa · 14/06/2018 12:25

This is God's way of punishing him

fuck off

brizzledrizzle · 14/06/2018 12:31

This is God's way of punishing him it catches up with everyone in the end

What a load of bollocks.

fairylightsdown · 14/06/2018 12:33

You support your kids (bring them to/from hospital..You don't have to go in). Tell OW that she can support him. You may need to tell him that you told her to support hi in case she doesn't bother so that he knows what a true knob he is.

3boystomen · 14/06/2018 12:33

I think, as callous as it may sound, that you have to look towards your own, and your children's future. He wouldn't be part of that future, talk is cheap, saying "I love you" doesn't excuse his behaviour, he won't change. Are you prepared to be his full time carer? Why would you? Make plans now for your children, but don't include him in them. Easy to say I know, but put you and yours first. Sorry for your heartbreak, and your children

londonrach · 14/06/2018 12:40

Op...this is awful but in this situation you have to think of your children and let them see their dad. Yes hes a two timing waste of space but hes their dad and hes ill.

RideOn · 14/06/2018 12:45

I also think he doesn't come home and tell the hospital you are separated. You are not "wrecking your lives". He has "wrecked your lives".

He can get set up elsewhere and the children can visit like you would have arranged if you separated.

I would facilitate the children seeing him when he is well enough even if that means you going to visit him too, in order to support them. He is still their father.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/06/2018 12:45

I'm so sorry about the whole ghastly situation, OP, and very much agree about thinking only of yourself and the children now

I'd suggest urgent legal advice to protect yourself asset-wise - though suitably pathetic now, if he makes it out of hospital things could change quickly when he learns you won't be around. You might also want to avoid telling his family until you've seen a solicitor, in case they try to avoid the care falling on them by shafting you jointly

Certainly tell the hospital, but even in the (very unlikely) event she wants to support him I wouldn't dwell on the OW any more than you can help; if it hadn't been her it would have been someone else, and what matters now is you

Juells · 14/06/2018 12:50

The viagra thing hadn't occurred to me, but of course it's a real possibility. :(

MatildaTheCat · 14/06/2018 12:54

You owe him nothing. Others have given good advice, get legal advice, sort out all of your assets and finances and for the moment hang in there the best you can.

He’s cognition is sound enough to know that you know so keeping away will hurt him. I think on balance I would give basic facts to family and friends when you feel able to so they understand why you aren’t sitting by his bedside wringing your hands.

One thing to also bear in mind is that recovery from strokes can take months, even years to reach full potential. Many stroke survivors are emotional, grumpy and exceedingly difficult to be around. I see no reason why you would put yourself forward for that situation.

And get RL support from someone you trust. This is too much to bear alone.

Mayday01 · 14/06/2018 13:05

I wouldnt say a word to anyone apart from my own family until I'd had some good legal advice on finances and where you stand on the house etc. Then get your ducks in a row. It sounds cold, but knowledge will help you take control of the situation.
I wouldn't be caring for him after this OP, why should you do all the shitwork. Look at the way he treated you while he was fine and dandy.
Flowers

Juells · 14/06/2018 13:08

I can't see that it's a coincidence that he saw OW on Monday, and had the stroke on Monday night Hmm

LagunaBubbles · 14/06/2018 13:12

This is God's way of punishing him it catches up with everyone in the end. So if you feel that God's punishment is enough maybe you could find it in your heart to forgive

How dare you! My Mum had a stroke, 2 weeks later she died. Was that a punishment from God to? Do you care how many people you will offend and hurt by that statement? Keep your wacky religious shitty views to yourself.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/06/2018 13:15

Emotional upset can cause another stroke. Anyone who has had a stroke is at risk of another ... you do not want your anger at him to make him have another stroke. That would be on your conscience forever because of the impact on your kids ...

I get this in principle, but what about the risk of OP being manipulated with it for the rest of her life? How would she be expected to cope with keeping every emotion in check - even when he cheats again - just in case it causes a relapse?

And what possible good would it do the DCs to have a mum so thoroughly traumatised on an ongoing basis?

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