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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wreck our lives and end it

313 replies

LostwithSawyer · 13/06/2018 23:20

Monday night my husband had a stroke, to say it was awful is an understatement.
He's been transferred to a specialist hospital an hr from home.
Before visiting today I cleaned up & discovered a secret phone.
Now we've been here before, years ago.
I forgave believed in 2nd chances and thought we were good.
Clearly Not!
It's the same woman. It stopped for years but started last yr.
To say I'm devastated is putting it mildly.
I've spoken to her and know all the juicy details. But he's in + out of consciousness.
Briefly I told him I know and he just stared at me. Told me hes sorry and loves me.
Love, is that what this is? If it is then love can fuck right off!
But we have kids who are devastated they can't see him in hospital.
I hate him. But I love him too.
I don't want to visit. But he's Ill.
He's messed up so bad there's no going back from this. But my beautiful kids are heartbroken. How can i make it worse right now?
I'm stuck! AngrySad

OP posts:
Orangeblosssom3 · 14/06/2018 00:24

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. How devastating.

I’d let the kids see him. Let them talk about him, their worries and fears. Don’t tell the kids you are leaving him yet.

Go get yourself some solid support, friends, family. See a solicitor. Start working out future options. Pick what seems the best for you and your kids. You will have to carry the burden of being a single parent, and beginning your life free from lies and betrayal. That’s a big enough load.

His mistress can support him through his stroke. That’s her burden now. They both chose this. Not you.

Monkee4 · 14/06/2018 00:32

So so sorry. You will get through this. What others have said... take the children to see him. Visit him if you can but most importantly look after yourself. Do you have any family you can talk to. Does he have any brothers, sisters, parents who can do the hospital visits?

TheOriginalEmu · 14/06/2018 00:33

I would take the children to see him, but that would be the extent of what i'd do for him. he caused this, not you.

Inertia · 14/06/2018 00:35

I'm sorry, what a devastating position to be in.

The children do need to see him, but things might need to be arranged quite carefully if there's a chance they could run into OW at the hospital.

And though now is not the right time, I think the children do need to be given an age-appropriate explanation of their father's affair. If they don't know about it, it'll look to them like you dumped their father when he got ill.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/06/2018 00:36

Let the DC see him and spend time with him: sort out your plans to leave while he is in hospital and get all the relevant information sorted. DC's relationship with him is a separate thing to your relationship with him. But do look for support elsewhere for yourself.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/06/2018 00:41

What I'd do depends entirely on the ages of the children. If they are adults I'd tell them the truth and make sure they understood that I no longer felt any responsibility for him. If they are young or vulnerable for some other reason, I'd make sure the children saw him but have as little to do with him as I could personally. Either way, I'd make clear to him that our marriage was over and that he will need to find other accommodations for when he's well enough to leave the hospital, because I would not be his caretaker.

The OW is going to disappear so fast it'll make your head swim. She didn't sign up for this, that's for sure. But that's not your problem.

You need to see a solicitor.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/06/2018 00:46

Oh, and as far as his "I'm sorry, I love you", he's not one bit sorry he cheated. He's only sorry he got caught! If he hadn't had the stroke he'd still be merrily banging his little side piece every chance he got.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/06/2018 00:57

He broke his wedding vows when he started fornicating with another women.
Let her support him, seeing as they get on so well together

Aquamarine1029 · 14/06/2018 01:12

I would tell him his side piece will be the one to look after him. And then I would call the ow again and say HE'S ALL YOURS, SWEETHEART. They deserve each other. Let's see how long she sticks around now.

Get a solicitor and get the fuck out of that sham of a marriage.

isthissummer · 14/06/2018 01:17

I don't see you are wrecking anything, your DH has been unfaithful repeatedly and has only been caught due to an unexpected event. It would seem far more likely that he is sorry he was caught than he was sorry for his actions. Now that he is in a vulnerable position and wants your care and love he feels bad that you have found out.
I would stop thinking about him, you do not owe him that courtesy anymore and start thinking about your DC and yourself.
What is in the best interests of the rest of you? Maybe support your DC to visit him but make it clear he won't be returning to the family home?

SleepingStandingUp · 14/06/2018 01:25

This is God's way of punishing him it catches up with everyone in the end. So if you feel that God's punishment is enough maybe you could find it in your heart to forgive
Say what now?? So we should assume every one who has had a stroke has commited a sin that god is punishing them for but op should consider getting back with him because God taught him a lesson?.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/06/2018 01:41

I’m sorry busybarbara, what now? Hmm

busybarbara · 14/06/2018 01:46

It is pretty normal to cast less important things aside when things get dire and someone is at death's door. By all means he could be put through the grinder even more but it won't make anyone feel any better. He is being punished.

pallisers · 14/06/2018 01:52

This is God's way of punishing him it catches up with everyone in the end. So if you feel that God's punishment is enough maybe you could find it in your heart to forgive x

hang on a second. God, who isn't married to the guy feels free to smite the man with a devastating stroke. But the OP who is married to the guy should forgive him? People have a weird view of religion. In any case, fuck that.

OP, like previous posters, a lot would depend on the ages of the children. It properly adult (over 21) I would tell them the truth and maybe go with them to the hospital/help with admin etc. I would make sure no adult child was left with the responsibility for him though - as in would support them in saying "no I cannot have him live with me"

If younger - well I would take them to the hospital but make it quite clear to the rehab/nursing team that you are not available as a carer. That he was in the process of leaving you and you cannot care for him now. If he comes home, you will not be around. Let them figure it out.

pallisers · 14/06/2018 01:54

He is being punished.

Well no he isn't. He has had a stroke. Unless you believe the stroke wards are full of sinners (wonder what will get you eventually and will you see it as punishment?)

But in any case this isn't about punishing him. It is about the OP who was cheated on and lied to moving on with her own life without the cheating lying husband.

Amatullah · 14/06/2018 01:57

Crickey..
I would be physically present to show support because in my heart i wouldnt be able to just turn away from someone in need. But i would definitely emotionally disconnect from this man. Try and see a counsellor to discuss your feeling in a healthy way. Your children (assuming they are minors) will need to see a strong parent at this time to have some stability. If and when he is some what well again, i personally would end it, contact a solicitor but help with getting him access to services..and let this ow deal with him.
Do not feel guilty..he is only sorry he got caught like most cheating scummy men.

Monty27 · 14/06/2018 02:16

Does he have any family members that could care for him until he recovers? If not, pass him over to the other woman telling her he's all hers.
Hard I know but just why should you carry on as his wife?

Candyflip · 14/06/2018 02:20

I agree with the PP, who said to change NOK to her details. I would not look after someone like him, they deserve each other. Try to facilitate the children visiting him, but depending how bad he is he may not be able to come home for a while anyway, which gives you time to sort a divorce. Be kind to yourself, like very kind and ensure you have money etc before handing him over to the OW.

Candyflip · 14/06/2018 02:22

Also don’t visit him, if you don’t want to. I wouldn’t, I think you need space. He is being cared for.

Homebird8 · 14/06/2018 04:43

So sorry that you have had two huge shocks in quick succession. Flowers

I think looking after you and your DCs should be your only challenge. (D)H is being looked after in hospital and except for helping the DCs with seeing him if they need your help you don’t have to do anything for, with, or to him until you are ready.

Don’t hand him over to anyone, or feel that he is your problem. He has made this (with the added complication of a stroke) and he must deal with it. He is not the responsibility of any woman, you or OW, and needs to know that. Then, if you get contrition, and if you decide that is what you want, you will perhaps choose to communicate with him.

Original poster
LostwithSawyer · 14/06/2018 04:51

Thank you for all your nice messages.
My children are 12 and 9.
They cant see him as he's so delirious, lucid 1 min and talking gibberish the next.
It would scare them. Nurses advised to wait.
What angers me even more is he was with her Monday. A 4hr round trip.
She's been calling his phone non stop as hadn't heard from him.
I'm so angry with him but also myself.

I have no family around his are around us but I imagine they'll support him.
Fuck this is a mess. How am I here again? Too trusting? Mug tattooed on my forehead? Doormat walk this way!

But I know it's not me it's him and this would have carried on. I'm glad I know.
The stroke isnt as bad as it could have been.
He can move his limbs and talk. Well not full conversations just yet but there's no slurred speech just confusion.
I told her he's had a stroke and when he's out she can have him full time.
I threw his phone at him and said there you go message all you want. No need to keep it secret now and walked out.
I certainly won't be visiting today. My angers built up so much id strangle the fucked with his intravenous line!

OP posts:
Sickofpeople · 14/06/2018 05:01

How awful Lostwith

I disagree with some others that you have a duty to care for him. He's fucked you over on more than one occasion, he cares so little that he's been cheating again even though you have children.

The most I would be doing is taking the children to see him when he is well enough for them to. I don't believe you owe him anything more.

lardymclardy · 14/06/2018 05:12

My angers built up so much id strangle the fucked with his intravenous line!

I for one wouldn't blame you! What a fucking awful situation.

Advice is crap I know, but if it were me - be strong for the kids and when they can visit let them visit, hand him over to the OW - she can take him on, when he is in the clear let the kids know you have separated and why. You don't need to be landed with his care for the rest of your life. Even if it was a minor stroke, there is still the potential for another after this.

PlanetPiffle · 14/06/2018 05:37

I am sorry to hear this OP. He doesn’t get a free pass from being an absolute arsehole because he’s ill. But of course he is ill and that must be awful for all you. You can’t just switch off your feelings.

If you aren’t going to visit him (and I don’t blame you) could you spend the time getting your ducks in a line for later on? Financial stuff, evidence of his actions etc. Hopefully someone will come on here with some suggestions.

It’s an unbelievably difficult and stressful situation. I wish you all the best in the weeks to come.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/06/2018 05:49

I’m so sorry. You sound such an amazing and strong woman. Yes, you absolutely have the right to happiness and break up your family. By the sound of it, you wouldn’t have even thought about not sticking around if he hadn’t walked away from you first. He can go to the ow or his family. But you don’t need to discuss that with his family now and I wouldn’t as you need them on side.

Once he is ready for visitors, I would take the children. For them. I would also consider asking his family to take the children some of the time. That is if you totally trust them to support your children. Blame not being able to go on migraines, horrendous period or some debilitating condition, perhaps something his family can relate to. This will give you some time alone and head space.

For now, I would get your ducks in a row. Get copies of all relevant paperwork on financials and all the cast iron proof you can of this affair.

theoldtrout
Goodness me. What a cautionary tale, poor woman, it doesn’t bare thinking about it. She sounded broken.