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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wreck our lives and end it

313 replies

LostwithSawyer · 13/06/2018 23:20

Monday night my husband had a stroke, to say it was awful is an understatement.
He's been transferred to a specialist hospital an hr from home.
Before visiting today I cleaned up & discovered a secret phone.
Now we've been here before, years ago.
I forgave believed in 2nd chances and thought we were good.
Clearly Not!
It's the same woman. It stopped for years but started last yr.
To say I'm devastated is putting it mildly.
I've spoken to her and know all the juicy details. But he's in + out of consciousness.
Briefly I told him I know and he just stared at me. Told me hes sorry and loves me.
Love, is that what this is? If it is then love can fuck right off!
But we have kids who are devastated they can't see him in hospital.
I hate him. But I love him too.
I don't want to visit. But he's Ill.
He's messed up so bad there's no going back from this. But my beautiful kids are heartbroken. How can i make it worse right now?
I'm stuck! AngrySad

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 14/06/2018 08:05

you don't want to be the reason why he dies.

WTF??

Beaverhausen · 14/06/2018 08:12

Ok get the mobile phone make sure you have copie of all their messages.

See a solicitor, make arrangements with his family that he either goes to them or the ow when discharged.

And remind him and her that karma has a way overpaying deceitful snakes.

Rudgie47 · 14/06/2018 08:13

OP you need to go to see a solicitor asap and start getting a divorce sorted out and all the finances. I'd tell him family and the hospital that you are not having him home and they will have to make alternative arrangements for him.You dont have to explain yourself to his family beyond your getting divorced.
No way would I be having him back and nursing him, he can go into a nursing home if his family wont have him.Its for his family now to take over. Good luck with it all OP.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 14/06/2018 08:14

Another one for getting the phone back. It's the evidence you need when his family turn on you.

Tambien · 14/06/2018 08:16

Well you can ensure he is well looked after by sending him to the OW who can then loook afetr him.
I mean, they clearly care/love for each other so I’m sure she will be delighted to be there for him and for him to be looked after her once he is out of hospital.

Then you will have done your ‘duty’.

But YY to going to see a solicitor and decide what is the best course of action for YOU and the dcs.
You need to protect yourself as much as you can.
Until then you can keep some distance (and the OW can go and visit him instead - they will be very used to that sort of situation at the hospital)

Tambien · 14/06/2018 08:17

And YY about the phone.
Keep it as it has so much evidence on it.
I’m sure he’ll find a way to contact her if need be.

LittleLionMansMummy · 14/06/2018 08:18

The only thing that would even make me think twice would be because of how the dc might perceive you leaving him without knowing the full circumstances of why you are doing so. Leaving him will be hard enough without dealing with accusations from dc of being cold hearted (sorry, can't see if you've replied saying what their ages are).

I'd coldly go about ensuring your dc visit him while preparing to leave him. He doesn't deserve your care and support. Speak to a solicitor and begin preparing for separation. Play and wait and see game in terms of how much damage there is to health and how soon he may return from hospital. Then deal with him when he's on the mend. If it's unlikely he'll recover, or that he'll need a lot of care when he returns, cross that bridge when you come to it. A lot depends on the age of your dc - the younger they are, the better.

KioraAdora · 14/06/2018 08:22

Stay strong for the children and yes I would walk away.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 14/06/2018 08:22

Put yourself in the shoes of a young child who's dad is ill and mum being cold with him and you don't know why. Just but a face on until he's at least out of danger and then get him out of your life for good tell everyone exactly what he did. He's scum.

Sausagerollers · 14/06/2018 08:26

Oh course he can go and live with the OW.
You can explain to your DC that it was his choice, not yours.
Whilst they are young, they are old enough to understand "your dad has chosen to be with someone else. I am as disappointed as you that he broke his marriage vows, but it was his choice. It is not a reflection of how much he loves you, just that he prefers being with this OW than me. If you want to know why, you'll have to ask him."

LittleLionMansMummy · 14/06/2018 08:31

I don't think it does children any good to hear the other parent bad-mouthed, however you might feel about it. I think it's a really bad idea to tell the dc what he's done if they're too young to process the information. They will have so much confusion about their feelings for their dad after that, to their detriment. They still need to have a relationship with him.

Bil told my 8yo niece that dsis 'cheated on him' (after 20 years of financial and emotional abuse I hasten to add) and it's caused a huge amount of harm, all round.

Tambien · 14/06/2018 08:34

So what the heck is the OP supposed to say if she doesn’t tell them the truth?
That she is the awful one to leave him whilst he is ill/recovery from a very serious health problem? Don't you think that this would create even more issues for the dcs?

Tambien · 14/06/2018 08:34

Btw, telling them that their dad has decided he wanted to be someone else isn’t badmouthing him. That’s the truth.

QueenoftheNights · 14/06/2018 08:35

As hard as it is, you need to try to control your emotions.
I'm going to be really blunt here. Emotional upset can cause another stroke. Anyone who has had a stroke is at risk of another. Even though you feel angry and all the emotions that go with this affair, you do not want your anger at him to make him have another stroke. That would be on your conscience forever because of the impact on your kids regardless of how you feel about this man.

As hard as it is- and it will be VERY hard- try to separate the emotions so you allow your DCs to see him, be civil to him , but hold off making any scenes until he is out of the woods.

If you have decided This Is It for your marriage, fair enough, but don't forget the stroke may have given him a wake up call too- he may decide he wants to stay with you and work on it, or or he may not. It's a watershed for all of you.

Could you get some time for yourself to see a counsellor so you can offload away from the family?

LittleLionMansMummy · 14/06/2018 08:35

My advice is in my previous post, Tambian.

Juells · 14/06/2018 08:36

I made the decision that I wasn't going to be the self-sacrificing martyr my ex and his family would have liked me to be. The OP isn't responsible for the repercussions of cheating bastard's behaviour.

FrumpingtonSmythe · 14/06/2018 08:37

you don't want to be the reason why he dies.

Sorry, poor choice of words by me. What I mean is, if the OP just walks away and he dies then I am sure that she will end up vilified. I am actually only thinking of her and her relationship with her DC. If I was separated from my DH and say, he got cancer, I would help him out. I wouldn't do it for him, but to show my DC that I care about their feelings. Having watched my own mother die, I can tell you that it is really stressful to see this as a child. I would only do it to minimise their distress.

QueenoftheNights · 14/06/2018 08:38

That she is the awful one to leave him whilst he is ill/recovery from a very serious health problem? Don't you think that this would create even more issues for the dcs?

I will be flamed here for sure- it is MN after all- but even under these circs I think the OP has a kind of duty to stay in the home and help her DH for a while, for the sake of the children. If not for him, for them at least. I can't see her moving out within the next few weeks and taking the DCs with her . Do you have the money to do that OP?

One step at a time; the dad recovers, then the parents decide on a civilised way to go forward.

Juells · 14/06/2018 08:38

the stroke may have given him a wake up call too- he may decide he wants to stay with you and work on it, or or he may not.

"he may decide he needs someone to nurse him back to health wants to stay with you and work on it"

CiderwithBuda · 14/06/2018 08:40

What a bastard.

You don’t have to rush into doing anything right now. Put your children first - I’m sure you will anyway. They will be worried about his health. Don’t go to see him today. As others have said get your ducks in a row. Think about what YOU want. You don’t have to let him come home. Unless you want to. You may decide it’s better for the children for him to come home initially. You may not. But take time to decide what you can live with going forward.

FWIW I wouldn’t be forgiving and would be letting the hospital and his family know but that’s just me!

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 14/06/2018 08:42

Tell his family, walk away and leave her to nurse him.

notapizzaeater · 14/06/2018 08:42

I'd be using this time to get all the paperwork, info etc you need to put you in the best position.

Don't stay with him because he's ill, my sister lost years of her life doing that.

QueenoftheNights · 14/06/2018 08:42

The OP isn't responsible for the repercussions of cheating bastard's behaviour.
There are worse things than an affair. Like being close todeath. I think a couple have a duty to weather the storm at a timelike this FOR THEIR CHILDREN if nothing else.

And oh yes, you will say he wasn't thiking of the children when he had an affair. Well, the landscape has changed. He's seriously ill and could die.
The kids come first. They need to see their two parents pulling together to get dad out of this, then they divorce can happen later.

If not, they may hold it against their mum because even though he had the affair, they will have conflicted loyalties and leaving him now is really asking them who to choose to support.

Browniebaker · 14/06/2018 08:46

I bet anything the other woman won't want him anymore if he has issues from the stroke. And he'll come crawling back to you. Slam the door in his face if he does, he isn't worth it.

ADuckNamedSplash · 14/06/2018 08:47

the stroke may have given him a wake up call too- he may decide he wants to stay with you and work on it, or or he may not.

Seems to me that he had the 'wake up call' the last time he was caught cheating. Didn't stop him doing it again. Why does he deserve a 3rd chance? And how many more after that?