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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wreck our lives and end it

313 replies

LostwithSawyer · 13/06/2018 23:20

Monday night my husband had a stroke, to say it was awful is an understatement.
He's been transferred to a specialist hospital an hr from home.
Before visiting today I cleaned up & discovered a secret phone.
Now we've been here before, years ago.
I forgave believed in 2nd chances and thought we were good.
Clearly Not!
It's the same woman. It stopped for years but started last yr.
To say I'm devastated is putting it mildly.
I've spoken to her and know all the juicy details. But he's in + out of consciousness.
Briefly I told him I know and he just stared at me. Told me hes sorry and loves me.
Love, is that what this is? If it is then love can fuck right off!
But we have kids who are devastated they can't see him in hospital.
I hate him. But I love him too.
I don't want to visit. But he's Ill.
He's messed up so bad there's no going back from this. But my beautiful kids are heartbroken. How can i make it worse right now?
I'm stuck! AngrySad

OP posts:
GertrudeBelle · 14/06/2018 08:48

So sorry for you OP. Flowers

I would let EVERYONE know that you have learned that your STBXH has been in a relationship with another woman for years and that she will be taking care of him going forward. Give people her details.

The blame is more likely then to fall on him/her for any health consequences of the emotional fall out.

AbsolutelyBeginning · 14/06/2018 08:49

What an awful situation for you, OP. Let's not forget YOUR health in all this either. This emotional upset and having to bottle up your anger is far from healthy. It's not all about HIM.

As for your husband, well maybe the stress of juggling family and affair got to him. However, it was HIS choice to behave that way not yours. He has basically thrown your forgiveness and decency from the first one you forgave back in your face.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 14/06/2018 08:50

I'm all in favour of not bad-mouthing your children's other parent, but in this situation your husband has chosen to destroy your marriage by repeatedly being unfaithful, and you will need to explain in factual and non-histrionic terms why the marriage is over.

I would not be looking after him or supporting his recovery (except to the extent of ensuring that his children visit him) or listening to his or his family's opinions on this. His OW would be welcome to nurse him if she wished.

ciderhouserules · 14/06/2018 08:50

the stroke may have given him a wake up call too- he may decide he wants to stay with you and work on it, or or he may not. - it's not his choice. It's the OPs.

amyddss · 14/06/2018 08:50

So sorry you're going through this awful time. You haven't wrecked anything, he has. There's probably no going back, especially if it's the same woman. I'd let the kids see their dad while he's in hospital and then once you've sorted things out & hes better tell him that is IT. You deserve better and tell him to piss off. You don't need to get treated like that.

Tambien · 14/06/2018 08:53

The problem of saying that the OP should look after him whilst he is recovering is that looking after someone who has a stroke can be really hard work.
Both physically and emotionally.

Doing that when you know you dint want to be in the same room that said person .... well it’s more than hard work (I can see that happening with my MIL/FIL atm. I can tell you that it doesn’t give a pretty picture).

I’m really not sure that it would be better for the dcs. It would teach them that mum has to sacrifice herself for dad. But if she does that, when should she stop???

LittleLionMansMummy · 14/06/2018 08:56

I'm all in favour of not bad-mouthing your children's other parent, but in this situation your husband has chosen to destroy your marriage by repeatedly being unfaithful, and you will need to explain in factual and non-histrionic terms why the marriage is over

Agreed, therefore "Daddy no longer loves Mummy" is a lot more appropriate and easy to understand for a small child, as opposed to "he broke his marriage vows and is now with someone else". As I said, it really does depend on the age of the dc. If they're really young, op could leave him without the kind of repercussions she might get from an older child.

paap1975 · 14/06/2018 09:02

Draw a line - you no longer need to consider him as your husband and do good "wifely" things. He has made it quite clear how little respect he has for your relationship. The OW can look after him.
However, he is your children's father and you are their mother. As their mother, make sure your children have what they need to get through this time.
What a horrible situation to find yourself in.

paap1975 · 14/06/2018 09:03

If I were you, I'd make it clear to the hospital he'll need to find somewhere else to live when he's discharged

Thespringsthething · 14/06/2018 09:05

It's very hard to care for someone in an intimate way when you hate them. Caring is tiring and emotionally draining even when you really love the person and it's not muddied with this shit. I would feel very angry and I don't know if I could swallow that down enough to help him, especially as he may recover and then go off with the OW!

I would focus on enabling the children to see him, but I think it's fine to let the care team at the hospital know he can't come home for care if that's on the table and be honest about why.

EssentialHummus · 14/06/2018 09:06

I'm really sorry OP Flowers. I'd be taking DC to visit, but for everything else make it clear that he can ask the OW. And see if you can start the process of separating. Sending you big big hugs at this difficult time.

Toddlerteaplease · 14/06/2018 09:07

This is God's way of punishing him it catches up with everyone in the end. So if you feel that God's punishment is enough maybe you could find it in your heart to forgive x

Seriously? As a practicing Catholic I would never say that to anyone!

OverTheHedgeHammy · 14/06/2018 09:13

Oh you poor thing. You are right to walk away.

The way he is now is not going to be how he will be. If he's just had the stroke, it will take a couple of weeks for the bruising in the brain to come down. Only then can they assess how bad the damage is. As the bruising comes down, some of the current problems will go. So the speech etc will likely improve.

I just want to reassure you that you he WILL survive and cope without you. Do make sure the hospital know that he is not returning to the home as you will not be caring for him, and that they will need to factor that into his recovery plan.

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 14/06/2018 09:14

This is God's way of punishing him

It is entirely unhelpful to construe illness as any sort of punishment.
Shame on you busybarbara

Juells · 14/06/2018 09:15

It's all very well to say that she should look after him while he's ill, for the DCs sake. But once she accepts him back into the house she'll never get rid of the fucker. She's then stuck nursing someone she hates, could be for years. He's already wasted years of her life, I wouldn't give him another second.

What happens now isn't her problem. He'll need to have rehab. I'd separate officially, but not divorce.

Beaverhausen · 14/06/2018 09:18

This is the worst situation for a woman to be in with a cheating partner.

My heart goes out to you OP damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Might be an idea to sit down and talk to his parents and explain the situation to them and what you are planning to do.

OverTheHedgeHammy · 14/06/2018 09:18

Oh and OP, you need to put yourself first financially as well.

I assume his income will stop. Very few companies have decent sick pay. Insurance, if he has any, is going to take awhile to pay out.

Do you work? If not, you are going to need to access benefits, and fast. If you do work and your income is low, you might be eligible for tax credits. It's a really crap time for you, but it will get worse if you don't get your finances sorted. (I'm sorry, I'm speaking from experience. We almost lost the house after my DH's accident, and it took a good six months to sort out finances, and over a year for me to get us onto a financially stable level).

Chattymummyhere · 14/06/2018 09:21

You can’t look after this man. It would destroy you. The children can hear the simple thing, that daddy doesnt love mummy anymore” or as I’ve seen on here before “daddy wants a girlfriend and you can’t have a girlfriend and a wife, so mummy and daddy won’t be together anymore” as the problem with the doesnt love mummy anymore is he can turn around and say but I do love mummy. Then you have to give more and more information.

Get all the paperwork you need and make copies, keep it somewhere safe, look out for you and your children while you work out what to do.

Lovemusic33 · 14/06/2018 09:23

You don’t have to support him. Yes he has had a stroke but that doesn’t change what he has done. I would tell the other woman that she can look after him. Don’t feel guilty, he’s the one who has cheated.

Wuss2018 · 14/06/2018 09:23

Again why can't the kids see him in hospital? My husband has been in and out of all types of wards including intensive care and my children saw my DH?
Agree with pp, you need to support the kids at this difficult time and get them to see their father. Once home/ on the mend then you have a conversation with him and do what you need to do.

A4710Rider · 14/06/2018 09:23

Takes a lot to confront him on his sickbed. Fair play.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 14/06/2018 09:26

It's very early days, Lost. Take as much time as you need.

I would agree with letting his family know what's happened and ask them to step into your shoes for hospital visits, bringing the kids etc. Hopefully if they are sensible they will step up.

Olddear · 14/06/2018 09:34

Of course he's sorry and loves you.....he knows the OW won't be interested now! He needs someone to care for him! To hell with what anyone says, get out now!

Allthewaves · 14/06/2018 09:40

Op I'd go and file for divorce NOW. Once he's back home and your caring for him he will just work his way back and u will never be rid of.him

MyNameIsNotSteven · 14/06/2018 09:41

Takes a lot to confront him on his sickbed. Fair play.

What's that supposed to mean? The sickbed is where he happens to be now that OP has found out about his ongoing infidelity for the second time. If it's a lot of insensitivity that you mean, which is my interpretation of your remark, it takes a lot more insensitivity to cheat on your wife with a woman she believed you'd left in the past.

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