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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wreck our lives and end it

313 replies

LostwithSawyer · 13/06/2018 23:20

Monday night my husband had a stroke, to say it was awful is an understatement.
He's been transferred to a specialist hospital an hr from home.
Before visiting today I cleaned up & discovered a secret phone.
Now we've been here before, years ago.
I forgave believed in 2nd chances and thought we were good.
Clearly Not!
It's the same woman. It stopped for years but started last yr.
To say I'm devastated is putting it mildly.
I've spoken to her and know all the juicy details. But he's in + out of consciousness.
Briefly I told him I know and he just stared at me. Told me hes sorry and loves me.
Love, is that what this is? If it is then love can fuck right off!
But we have kids who are devastated they can't see him in hospital.
I hate him. But I love him too.
I don't want to visit. But he's Ill.
He's messed up so bad there's no going back from this. But my beautiful kids are heartbroken. How can i make it worse right now?
I'm stuck! AngrySad

OP posts:
FatBarry · 14/06/2018 06:10

He's only sorry because he is in hospital, frightened and dependant. You know and he knows if this hadn't happened he would be carrying on.

Ageee with the others, time to get your finances and arrangements in order now whilst he is out of the way, then seperate. He should be under no illusions that all his family will be made aware of why you are not supporting him and the reasons for the separation.

You have had a lucky escape 🌺

ArchchancellorsHat · 14/06/2018 06:12

Let the children see him - but as far as rehab, coming home goes, he can go to the OW. I wouldn't be letting him through the door. He made his choices.

sparklepops123 · 14/06/2018 06:18

Use the time he’s in hospital to sort yourself out, when he’s out make him stay with family/her. He’s a absolute twat.💐to you.

Fflamingo · 14/06/2018 06:21

This is very traumatic for the DCs. I would be keeping up appearances for them at present. I’m not sure how they would feel towards you if you were unpleasant to DH in the present situation. Fake it in the mean time - make plans for a few months time.

ziggiestardust · 14/06/2018 06:22

DO NOT CHANGE THE HOSPITAL NOK DETAILS.

If your DH’s condition worsens, or if he is eligible for any critical illness payout from his life insurance company or workplace; you want absolutely no chance of a dispute.

Use this time now to contact a good solicitor, and get all your ducks in a row RE the finances. Get copies of EVERYTHING.

Explain to the nurses the situation so that they can update you via phone daily and tell you when it’s suitable to take your DC in to visit, since that’s the only reason you should be in close proximity from now on.

You poor, poor thing. I am so sorry.

OliviaBenson · 14/06/2018 06:29

Tell everyone op- get this out into the open. I'd be telling his family- they can deal with him. Tell your friends and family too, you need the support.

PlanetPiffle · 14/06/2018 06:30

Argh! Ducks in a row, ducks in a Row! I knew line wasn’t right when I wrote it but it was too early and I was only half awake Blush. Same advice applies though op.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 14/06/2018 06:32

OP what an awful awful situation

I am Actually lost for words and advice right now

Fuck Sad

Sending Flowers and every bit of strength your way

JeezYouLoon · 14/06/2018 06:40

Is he sorry for what he's done or sorry for being caught?

What a shit situation OP, I agree, don't visit him, leave NOK as you for now, explain the situation to the nurses so your children can visit when they can and use this time to work out a plan of how to move on with your life without him. What an arsehole Angry

FrumpingtonSmythe · 14/06/2018 06:41

I think you need to hang on a minute. He has had an affair but now he has had a stroke. At the end of the day you are still married and promised to take care of each other in sickness and in health. The only reason why I am saying this is because even though he had an affair, you don't want people and family saying that you dumped him when he was really ill. They MAY say this.

Also, I think you need to deal with his stroke for your children. He is their father and you don't want to be the reason why he dies.

So....yes, I would use this time to get your ducks in order because you ARE going to divorce him. I would then matter of factly, without emotion, get things done to facilitate his recovery so that you come out of this well. Get him to the point where he is in a fit state to hand over to the OW and then it is not your problem and you can do this without any comeback on yourself.

SlothMama · 14/06/2018 06:43

Helping him recover from his stroke could take years of intensive therapy, dealing with mood swings and caring for him. He's cheated and ruined your marriage, there's support out there for him or he can rely on OW.
It's only fair seeing as he's thrown your marriage away

ziggiestardust · 14/06/2018 06:44

frumpington they also said ‘forsaking all others’, so the DH has broken his vow. She owes him nothing, and this is the second time he has cheated. Angry

ziggiestardust · 14/06/2018 06:44

(The angry face is for the DH frumpington , not you Wink)

PollyPelargonium52 · 14/06/2018 06:47

What happens if he is now disabled from the stroke?

Missingstreetlife · 14/06/2018 06:50

I think the children should see him, what they imagine may be worse and if he dies or deteriorates you have lost the chance. Nurses often haven't got a handle on psychological issues, but dealing with practical. His doctor may or may not be more helpful. Tell schools dad is ill.
You could speak to hospital social worker, hospice worker, child (school) counsellor, winstons wish (charity for bereaved children), stroke association, headway (brain injury charity) for advice.
Keep visit brief, let them take something for him, a card, or something he likes from home. Let them speak and hold his hand, and talk to them afterwards about it. It will be difficult but worse if you don't. Maybe a relative can take them if you don't.
Don't relinquish any nok rights, just do what you are comfortable with, you don't owe him, but keep your place until things settle in your head.
Dreadful situation but you will survive, take care of yourself, time later tonthink about divorce or reconciliation.

MakeMineATwin · 14/06/2018 06:50

This is a really horrible situation for you and your dc ! For the sake of your children I would visit him only once the children are allowed to. It's only fair they get to see him, then I would be discussing separating with him.

What an idiot to destroy your family Angry

Chapterandverse · 14/06/2018 06:52

This is God's way of punishing him it catches up with everyone in the end. So if you feel that God's punishment is enough maybe you could find it in your heart to forgive

How does God punish paedophiles & murderers then? Because I don't see them dropping like flies with strokes...

You're talking nonsense.

Poor op my heart goes out to you Flowers

Missingstreetlife · 14/06/2018 06:54

To think

PumpkinPie2016 · 14/06/2018 06:55

Poor you OP - what an awful situation Sad

I would do as someone above says, ask the nurse's to let you know when the children can visit. Can you ask his family to take the children to visit? If not, take them for their sake but don't go otherwise.

Meanwhile, focus on organising things so that you can separate - probably best to speak to a solicitor and let your husband know he isn't coming back to you - he can go to the OW house or his family.

Take care OP - I hope you have someone in rl for support as well Flowers

MyNameIsNotSteven · 14/06/2018 06:55

I know a married man who got a woman pregnant then had a heart attack. His wife was there for him as the mother of his young children while he was in hospital, but he still did her over after he recovered. You owe him nothing. Gather all the financial evidence you need while he's out of your way.

StringandGlitter · 14/06/2018 06:57

Who cares what other people say. Judgy people will judge her whatever her actions. “She cared for a bit but then couldn’t be bothered after a while”.

OP, don’t live your life on what some hypothetical people may or may not say. They do not live your life or your choices. You do.

Put yourself and your children first. What do you want. As far as I see it he’s broken your marriage vows not twice, but over and over and over. That four hour trip was time, money and emotional energy taken away from your family. You owe him nothing.

Go to see a lawyer. Take their advice about how to Protect your financial assets. Get an STD test. Give him the same care and consideration he gave you while he lied and cheated on you (I.e. none).

LynetteScavo · 14/06/2018 07:01

I would suggest you don't to yourself in RL. Tell your friends and family, especially his family. I would ask his family to take the children to visit if possible.

NurseryFightClub · 14/06/2018 07:01

I would keep up the pretence for the interim with your children, if the worse happens let them remember their parents happy and together. If he survives this then you will have to tell them, but that is down the road. For the time being look after you and your children. Do you have an friends locally you can confide in? Hope you recover ok from this Flowers

ScoobyCan · 14/06/2018 07:01

Totally agree with @FrumpingtonSmythe - I've been in this same position although the betrayal was not any OW. My stbxh had three strokes, fortunately not life-changing but had they been, I would have been his carer for the rest of our lives which would have killed me.

Get him the support he needs to get through the strokes and get yourself a solicitor. He may have to come home for a few weeks, in order for you to have the time to get your ducks in a row. Don't be surprised if he isn't totally compus mentis for quite some time - it is a most frustrating and debilitating "illness" and even the smallest TIA can wreak havoc on the brain. Try not to argue with him in front of the children. I know that you have feelings of resentment but through experience it hurts everyone.

I asked him to leave five weeks after the hospitalisation. Did I feel bad, or guilty? No. His actions had major consequences - the ramifications for our family, for our children are life-changing. I opted to trust during our vows, we both did. And he betrayed that trust on a grand scale. He is still deluded and deceitful now. I actually think the stress of his secret life made him ill.

Good luck OP, I am so sorry.

kissthealderman · 14/06/2018 07:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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