To wreck our lives and end it

[LostwithSawyer]

Monday night my husband had a stroke, to say it was awful is an understatement.
He's been transferred to a specialist hospital an hr from home.
Before visiting today I cleaned up & discovered a secret phone.
Now we've been here before, years ago.
I forgave believed in 2nd chances and thought we were good.
Clearly Not!
It's the same woman. It stopped for years but started last yr.
To say I'm devastated is putting it mildly.
I've spoken to her and know all the juicy details. But he's in + out of consciousness.
Briefly I told him I know and he just stared at me. Told me hes sorry and loves me.
Love, is that what this is? If it is then love can fuck right off!
But we have kids who are devastated they can't see him in hospital.
I hate him. But I love him too.
I don't want to visit. But he's Ill.
He's messed up so bad there's no going back from this. But my beautiful kids are heartbroken. How can i make it worse right now?
I'm stuck!

Sorry this is happening to your family OP.

I would leave him to it and make sure anyone who calls you on it knows why. Why should you become his carer and ruin the rest of your life?

I would leave, I don't think I'd be able to hide my anger at him if I visited with children so I'd look like I was being a bitch and would be judged for that anyway.

He didn't 'forsake all others' so I don't see why you need to love him 'in sickness and in health'.

You say you don't want to visit, well don't! I'd also let his family know exactly why you won't be visiting too.

Op, I deregged a few weeks ago but after reading your post I felt compelled to sign up again and say the following.

Use this time to gather all of the information and paperwork you’ll need in the months ahead.

Do not do (or say) anything that could be used against you legally in the future by a morally bankrupt pair of toe rags.

Do not sign over next of kin to the OW.

Keep your legal status etc as it!

Now I’d not the time to be putting yourself in a weak position.

I was married to a philanderer. He cheated many times over but it took me 37 years to wake up and see him for who he was. I was sure that one day I’d get my happy ending. It was never going to happen but what made me think straight was my dad saying to me - one day you’ll be looking after someone who’s had a stroke or something and whilst that’s what people do in a good marriage is it something you really want to do all things considered?

It was good for thought. I was miserable and knew I deserved a better middle and old age than I’d had younger years.

Anyway at the same time I was pondering things my friends husband who’d also cheated on her became very ill, it was about 18 months after he’d had a 4 year affair and he was back home. One of the first things my friend said to me was - he doesn’t deserve my care and I should never have had him back. Anyway a year later the man had died, he was nursed to the end by my friend and a carer, but my friend is now habitual drinker. I think it’s called functioning alcoholic. She opens her bottle at 6pm and she drinks till bedtime. Her life is built round those drinks.

She’s in mental torment. The way she speaks you’d have thought they were Romeo and Juliet. She acknowledges the time her husband saw the OW but says he loved me best. However, the fact she lives to drink at 6pm every night (she’s 70) shows the turmoil she’s in. It’s heartbreakkng but I’ve given up trying to help her. It is what it is.

Meanwhile I’m living my new life with my children and grandchildren and whilst there are days where we are sad about what happened my children are content with the fact that I did what they suggested they do - that I took their hands and jumped.

Oh and if my husband ever needed help or care I’d give it to him in a heartbeat because I try to be the best person I can be. But he’d be given the care and attention because Id have chosen to give it. We had a long life together despite many things. He’d not be getting care because I was in a position where I had no choice and someone else had been getting all the fun.

even though he had an affair, you don't want people and family saying that you dumped him when he was really ill. They MAY say this.

Also, I think you need to deal with his stroke for your children. He is their father and you don't want to be the reason why he dies.

Who gives a fuck if people and family say OP dumped him when he was really ill? She has already said his family will probably support him and he made the marriage vows void.

How could OP possibly be the reason why he dies? If he dies it will be because of the stroke. If any emotional cause could be attributed it would more likely be the stress of maintaining an affair with a demanding woman (who has phoned him repeatedly since Monday) who loves two hours away.

I would make sure the hospital staff know, there will be an expectation that you will have him home and provide care. I am a nurse and remember a similar case, the wife refused to provide care due to behaviour of her dh. He had to go home (property in joint names) with carers going in to help him, this obviously had a financial impact. It is to be hoped he makes a full recovery to enable the OP to make forward plans without him. As he has speech , movement and obviously can remember his affair he may not be too impaired. I would ask what part of his brain has been affected, damage to the frontal /temporal lobes can affect personality and behaviour but not cause weakness or speech problems and tends to challenge the most solid relationship.

How awful for you. I can't imagine how appalling you must feel. For your children's sake, try to keep on the level. Visit him a couple of times a week , inform the hospital that your marriage is over and he will need some kind of care when he returns home. Get legal advice, start making plans. When he is on his feet again, tell your children and start divorce proceedings. Don't contact the OW again. Leave guilt behind, once he is out of hospital, he's on his own. No regrets and move on.

I would tell the hospital that you’ve discovered he’s had an affair. He can’t come home to you now. You’re not going to care for a cheat. Take the kids to see him. Don’t visit him otherwise. The hospital will need to assess what to do next with him as he will need to either have care or look after himself.

I wouldn't be supporting him. He made your marriage vows null and void when he broke his own. Leave her name and number on a note beside his bed. I would take the dc for regular short visits, while he's in, but that's it. You could use that time to get your ducks in a row and decide what you want to happen next. Does the ow know he had a stroke?

This.

I'm sorry but he doesn't deserve your time. He made his choices by repeatedly lying and cheating on you. Let the OW look after him. I wouldn't be wasting my precious life on someone like him. I might sound cold but he wasn't bothered by treating you very badly.

Lots of happy and well adjusted divorced families. Seriously you will survive and be happy. Dont model this charade of a marriage for your children.

How bloody awful lass.

Ditto getting ducks in a row, seeing solicitor, not changing NOK, taking the children in when right to do so.

If he owns half the house then I don't think you can refuse to have him come home. A SHS (shit hot solicitor will advise).

And a hug and handhold for all that you're going through.

Haven't RTFT, but what ages are the children?

You're going to come out the bad guy here, but having found this out there's no way I'd be nursing the shitbag. One of my sisters faced the same situation (except it was about secretly running up huge debts, for the second time) when her American husband had a heart attack. She left him in New York in hospital. His family thought her the worst in the world, but she wanted to strangle him, she certainly wasn't going to nurse him.

Could somebody else take your children in to visit him? I wouldn't want to lay eyes on the bastard.

Op how awful my ex did similar I looked after him when he was in poor health and he had been cheating but I didn’t find out until he left me for ow.

My friends ex adoptive father did this he was adopted because his father was unable to have dc even though his mother could have dc he had a heart attack and died and she discovered after his death he had several women on the go. Walk away and build a life for yourself and you’re dc, you owe him nothing, I would use this time to get everything in order. You gave him a chance he first time he doesn’t deserve another.

What a bloody nightmare! Well he's reaped what he sowed. His choice to cheat again, let him sort himself out.

Oh and for the people that will say stress won't help.....well he shouldn't put himself under stress should he?

for you OP.

Oh gosh your emotions must be all over the place. Once you've gathered yourself have a plan. I certainly wouldn't be having him back so part of his rehab will need to,consider where he will live on discharge.

As his family all live nearby, I would tell them what has happened, and pass responsibility for your husband on to them. If they know what he has done, they cannot expect you to care for him and for him to return to your home when he leaves hospital. You need to tell them so they can start making plans.

Before you do anything OP you need some good legal advice. Make the appointment today.

You're not wrecking anything. HE is and has.

Agree with the posters saying nursing is not your job now. Focus on your children and ensuring they get to see him when he's up to it and it's safe for them to do so without the risk of them being frightened or upset by him being delirious or whatever.

No need for any bigger movements yet - keep next of kin and all that kind of thing, but take some time to get legal advice and get thinking about what you want to happen next and get on that track.

This is one of the most horrible things I've read on here.

My advice,for what it's worth ....do not end it ....yet...if he dies you need to make sure you and the kids get his half of the house and money...so bide your time ..let the hospital do their bit and get him well..wait and see what the prognosis is ...you don't want her walking away with everything if he dies

A very similar thing happened to me.

My exH was on bail after an incident at our home. Turned out he had been having an affair, when she turned up at the court hearing. So I was already dealing with being potentially stabbed by my husband, then this.
Anyway just after, I had a phone call in the middle of the night, his number. I didn't answer but listened to the message left. It was the hospital, he'd had a stroke. I called them, asked would he die and suggested they call her instead. Poor nurse couldn't get off the phone quick enough.
I didn't bring the kids to see him - one was ill and told not to go by GP - my excuse was it would compromise bail conditions.
So now his family knew the whole story - he hadn't told them anything- but of course they blamed me, it was all my fault, I'd always been a bitch. His sister, a friend before from uni, told me to remember how much he really loved the kids. When I asked about all the other stuff she said, "well you know what he's like!" Er no!

I get them to it. It was hard. Still not fully divorced as he's messing about but he's with her now.
My mantra is "Not my circus, not my monkeys"
Only you can decide what to do but you'll know deep down. And you are stronger than you will ever believe you can be - your DC will be your anchor in any storms to come.

I'm sorry you have gone through such a doubly horrific experience.

I think it's time for you to seize the initiative while he is ill, and get your ducks in line. See a solicitor and quietly arrange the separation, while supporting your children to continue seeing their father.

You are married. Unless you are completely divorced, financial settlement etc, you are still entitled to your share - it wouldn't go to this other woman if he died.
My solicitor has advised me not to get the decree absolute until things are settled financially, in case he has money somewhere - doubt it- but I just want to finish it and move on.

Stay angry. He’s an absolute bastard and having had a stroke doesn’t make him any less so.

It’s good his family are around him. They can look after him.

Personally I would take the children to visit him. They are old enough to understand he’s very sick and keeps waking up and going to sleep. He will probably recover, but they won’t forgive you if he was to have another stroke and die and you didn’t let them see him.

While you are there get his phone & take it home with you. Ask a solicitor what/how much you need from it to prove he was having an affair so the divorce is simpler.

Then, the children can visit each weekend (it’s too far to go in the evenings - great excuse).

Tell his family, when you’re done with it, give them his phone to ‘return to him’ and tell them to make arrangements fir his care once he’s discharged because he will NOT be returning to the family home.

You gave him a second chance last time. You need to be done with him.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this, it’s beyond awful 💐

Happened to me but with my dad. He had a ruptured aneurysm. I got his phone - everything was there. I didn't tell my mom but she found out eventually. Still, she stayed with him until the end - ten months later.

Similar happened to an acquaintance of mine. They had been having problems and were talking about separation. She had made up her mind to leavewhen he had a serious car accident that left him quadriplegic. She left him anyway, because she thought she shouldn't stay with him out of pity. She was absolutely villified for doing it, but stuck to her decision.

How awful for you and the kids. I absolutely would tell all his family so they can rally round and support him.