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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that there are too many red flags.

181 replies

Justnotsure1980 · 13/06/2018 16:58

New partner, great guy and friends for years.

Now we’re in a relationship and he’s opening up to me and he’s revealed;

Serious sexual fetish.
Mental ill health requiring medication.
Past relationships with men.
Offending behaviour in his childhood.

He’s a great guy, but AIBU to think that there are too many red flags to take this relationship forward?

OP posts:
Tangled59 · 13/06/2018 16:59

Depends what the "serious sexual fetish" is. Basically he's bi? Thats not a red flag

KittyVonCatsworth · 13/06/2018 17:02

TBH I think that would be too much for me to cope with. Individually I think I could cope with them (perhaps not the fetishes!) but collectively he sounds like a bit of a troubled soul. Personally, I couldn’t cope with that as I tend to try and be a ‘fixer’ so it wouldn’t be fair on either one of us.

tangfantastics · 13/06/2018 17:02

You’ll have to be a bit more specific.

Original poster
Justnotsure1980 · 13/06/2018 17:04

I am very open minded, I’d be ok with everything in isolation but it’s the combination that is causing me to wonder whether I’d be able to manage long-term.

Serious sexual fetish is pain related.

OP posts:
bigchris · 13/06/2018 17:04

So being on ads and being bi wouldn't put me off

These days half the country are on anti depressants

Serious sexual fetish - can you explain? Does he want you to do something you don't want to do?

ThatchersCold · 13/06/2018 17:04

Think we might have dated the same guy OP!

PeterPiperPickedSeaShells · 13/06/2018 17:09

I agree, too many red flags. Walk away

Original poster
Justnotsure1980 · 13/06/2018 17:10

Oh Thatchers, just in case, why didn’t it work out between you? What do you make of it all now?

OP posts:
Tangled59 · 13/06/2018 17:14

Im guessing it could be related to knives which hints at self harming which in the context of the medication and mental health stuff....just dont.

Medea13 · 13/06/2018 17:14

How the fuck is "past relationships with men" a red flag, OP?

Tangled59 · 13/06/2018 17:16

Some people might not like the idea of dating someone who is bi. I think thats their right.

alligatorsmile · 13/06/2018 17:16

Someone having a weird sexual fetish wouldn't bother me per se, it's his attitude to it that would be the red flag or not i.e. does he insist on indulging this fetish or it's a dealbreaker, or is it just on his wishlist and maybe talking about it would be enough?

The other things don't bother me at all - they apply to me!

Original poster
Justnotsure1980 · 13/06/2018 17:17

Not everyone would be comfortable with the thought of their DP being attracted to men and women! That’s a lot of competition Grin

OP posts:
Storm4star · 13/06/2018 17:19

I'm not saying past relationships with men is necessarily a red flag but I wouldn't want to date someone who's bi. That's just me. Offending behaviour in childhood, would depend what and when. Medication would depend what he's taking and for what MH issue. Serious sexual fetish would probably be a no from me! Sounds a lot altogether though.

Butterflykissess · 13/06/2018 17:20

i wouldnt date a bi guy. so would be a red flag to me.

Medea13 · 13/06/2018 17:22

Everyone who has said they wouldn't date a bi guy, or feel that being bi is a relationship red flag (for what????!), can you explain why? I can't get my head around it. It makes no sense to me.

Shoxfordian · 13/06/2018 17:24

I would date a bisexual man
I wouldn't date someone with serious mental health issues or someone who had a different sexual interest than me as we wouldn't be compatible

mimibunz · 13/06/2018 17:24

No way. He’s telling you he will cheat and blame anyone but himself.

Butterflykissess · 13/06/2018 17:25

i just dont want to. the mental health wouldnt bother me though.

PolkaHots · 13/06/2018 17:27

I wouldn’t date someone with mental health issues. Or I might in the short term, but wouldn’t want to get serious.

If the sexual fetish leaves you cold, then again, sooner or later this s likely to become a barrier.

ReanimatedSGB · 13/06/2018 17:27

He does sound rather more trouble than he's worth. Each thing in isolation might be worth overlooking, but that's multiple 'issues'. I would think that such a man would be fucking up every five minutes, impossible to rely on and constantly whining and performing about how troubled he is, every time you actually asked him to do something that was a favour to you...

WickedLazy · 13/06/2018 17:28

The fetish would worry me. Is he sadistic or masochistic? I could maybe be on board with being the giver of gentle pain (light spanking etc), but being hurt that way doesn't appeal to me at all.

I wouldn't consider the bi thing a red flag. I'm bi myself, could sleep with a woman, but wouldn't want a relationship with one.

FASH84 · 13/06/2018 17:28

Offending behaviour in childhood, what? Some tearaway behaviour, affray, anti social behaviour, criminal damage, maybe shop theft? If he's had no record since then I wouldn't worry it speaks of a misspent youth, and lack of parental boundaries not much more. Serious violent, sexual offending or DV I'd be a little more cautious residually combined with MH issues. The bi sexual thing wouldn't bother me as long as he had been tested before we had sex without condoms. Mental health, what impact does it have on him and his relationships is he undertaking treatment, does he manage his condition well (you say you've been friends a while and you didn't seem to notice any behavioural issues so this might not be a huge thing). The sexual fetishes thing, can't really comment what's one person's vanilla is another's chocolate caramel sundae, as was so succinctly described on another thread. It would depend what it was, if he could take it or leave it, and if it was in anyway linked to MH/self harm or men. They would be no go areas for me.

Storm4star · 13/06/2018 17:30

The reason I wouldn't date a bi guy is because I have a jealous streak. I'm aware of it. I try my best to keep it under control. I know it's my issue. But it's there. I'm just being honest. So I wouldn't want to be feeling insecure/jealous about all his male friendships, along with any female ones he might have! My issue? 100% I don't deny it, and I work on it. But that's why I wouldn't date a bi guy and put either of us in that position.

Tangled59 · 13/06/2018 17:35

I wouldn't date a bi guy because i would always be secretly worried that at some point he would just come out as gay