To think that there are too many red flags.

[Justnotsure1980]

New partner, great guy and friends for years.

Now we’re in a relationship and he’s opening up to me and he’s revealed;

Serious sexual fetish.
Mental ill health requiring medication.
Past relationships with men.
Offending behaviour in his childhood.

He’s a great guy, but AIBU to think that there are too many red flags to take this relationship forward?

Also the OP has said this:
Not everyone would be comfortable with the thought of their DP being attracted to men and women! That’s a lot of competition
This doesn't sound like a sexual preference. This sounds like she doesn't want to date a bisexual man because she thinks she will be competing for his attention or even that she thinks he is more likely to be unfaithful. That isn't a preference, that's prejudice.

Don’t think the bisexuality is a problem. It might be a problem for the OP if combined with the fetish and mental health issues she can’t be sure he’s been safe and protected.

What about mental health issues and being bisexual would make it seem like he hasn't been safe and protected? If you're talking about sex(apologies if I'm mistaken) then you know a man having sex with another man doesn't equal STD right? Obviously anyone who is going to have sex is entitled to know that they have been tested. But assuming that bisexuality would mean they have been unsafe would be an unfair prejudice.

Would not date a bi guy. He wants /needs something you can't ever give him.

What kind of bullshit is this? Honestly my blood is boiling for the bisexual men out there who have to hear this crap.

Don't worry TacoLover they all have you to date them
Get off your high bloody horse.

Um, these read more like incompatibility issues than red flags. Red flags is a term used to refer to warning signs that a potential partner is abusive.

Mental illness does not cause abuse. People who are abusive might use it as an excuse and claim to be mentally ill or claim that that is the cause of their behaviour, but abuse is a deliberate course of conduct.

You're not compelled to get into a relationship with someone with a mental illness, but unless they've been using it as an excuse for other behaviour, it's seriously off to equate it with being a warning sign for abuse.

That scenario aside, if their illness isn't actually affecting their life in a way you can't handle and don't want to handle, what possible difference does it make unless you routinely discriminate against people with mental illness.

If you're not comfortable with him as a partner and don't consider yourselves to be compatible, end it. Simple.

Would not date a bi guy. He wants /needs something you can't ever give him.

What mad shit idea is this? Im bi, is my husband missing something then? I’ll go tell him.

My DHs best friend is his ex boyfriend. DH isn’t gay, not interested in men as far as I’m aware and is happy with me. His friend is awesome, I love him to bits.
And the awesome thing about my DH being bi is the fact that we can discuss which actor or any celebrity is hotter.

There are some really unpleasant biphobic statements coming out in this thread. I thought that promiscuity, being gay really, and STD risk comments would come out, and so they did. Because these are prejudices, not based on fact at all. See lgbt.ucsd.edu/education/biphobia.html

If you go back through this thread and replace 'bisexual' with 'black' then it's far more obvious what truly unpleasant sentiments are being expressed.

If you go back through this thread and replace 'bisexual' with 'black' then it's far more obvious what truly unpleasant sentiments are being expressed

lots of women/men dont date people of different races and thats ok! its called preference. and lots of people dont despite what MN says.

Don't worry TacoLover they all have you to date them hmm
Get off your high bloody horse.

What high horse am I on? What have I said that you disagree with?

Um, these read more like incompatibility issues than red flags. Red flags is a term used to refer to warning signs that a potential partner is abusive

^this is what I came on to post. you are using 'red flags' in the wrong context.

everything you have listed, is stuff some would be ok with and others not.

decide what you are ok with, then get on with enjoying your relationship, or move on.

Without knowing the exacting details, I can't comment whether I'd be ok with the relationship.

and as for the massive derail going on........
I have no words.

Butterflykissess

Completely agree

My exh is only really interested in anal sex and it's not my bag at all. He massively down played it to 4x a year. When in reality its all he wanted. I'd now take safe non boundary pushing sex every single time. Anything else is just a no now.

Fuck sake.

I feel for you OP. You don’t have to date anyone you don’t want to. You don’t need a reason.

However the biphobia by other users is disgusting. This comes up time and again on MN “I wouldn’t date a bi person in case they cheated with the other sex”. I am a bisexual woman who has had numerous long term, serious relationships with men and women. I am married to a man. I love him, therefore I will not cheat on him with a man or a woman. What part of this is hard??

If you are a straight woman, are you planning to shag every straight man you come across regardless of your relationship, because you are sexually attracted to men?

That’s how stupid your arguments are.

Hello

After reading some of the comments on this thread I couldn't not comment.

I'm bisexual and I've found the various comments about bisexuality being a 'red flag' or indicative that someone will cheat are very offensive.

This is a prejudice, even if you think you don't have an issue with bisexual people. Believing that bisexual people will behave in a certain way (save for that they will be attracted to all genders) is untrue and propagates an unhelpful stereotype.

I'm not saying that anyone should have to be with someone who is bisexual, that's a matter entirely for each individual.

I would however ask you to think about how you refer to things like this in future, as talking about people in this way does have a negative impact, whether you intend it to or not.

I would urge you to be gentle with your language and not refer to people's inherent traits, whether that's bisexuality or anything else, in a way that suggests that they are automatically damaged or flawed as a result.

Thanks for reading x

I woulden't, that would send me running for the hills.

Anyone can date or not date any person for whatever reason they want. Individual preference is absolutely fine, and nobody should ever be forced, persuaded or guilted in to dating someone they don't want to.

Assuming that a person is more likely to cheat or have an sti just because of their sexuality is absolutely awful though.

If you call these things red flags, then yeah it's probably best to nip it in the bud. If they don't sit easy with you now, in all likelihood they never will.

What would throw me for a loop is that, apart from the fetish, the other things are pretty big aspects of a person and you say you've been friends for years yet you didn't know these things til now. He must be pretty good at hiding which I would find off putting.

Might not be the same guy! But sounds very similar. He was really open about his unusual tastes/sexuality/criminal behaviour from the word go, and like you I’d known him for years (though not well as we didn’t live close). So decided to try and overlook all that.

We were only together for 4 months but what killed it was that he was just so bloody flaky, always really late, or wouldn’t turn up At all, and he clearly had a huge drinking problem which he wasn’t being honest to himself about.

His initials aren’t GF are they?

I agree with MrsPicklesonSmythe and also pp stating incompatibilities rather than red flag... the fetish thing - he’ll be pretty into it and if it’s a true fetish he might find sex crap without it.

But you don’t need a reason to not go out with him :)

Hmmm. Lot of factors here.

I’d kind of be interested more in how he’s been “since you got to know him”?

I mean if he’s clearly quite “mainstream” now, with a regular life and no drama and good social skills and a set of “normal” mainstream friends (you’ve actually met them - not just he’s told you about them) then past stuff might not make a big difference.

Is his lifestyle quite ok now - does he work/manage his finances well/have a plan for the future/normal hobbies that he likes?

Do you generally have good judgement when it comes to interactions/people? Have you rushed into things before?

Are you looking to move on together/have children/do you already have children?

Have you got any red flags about how he behaves towards you?

I have a couple of (ex) friends who were on the fetish scene/bisexual etc.

I dropped them both after a while NOT because of their sexuality but as they seemed too overdramatic/weird and I think the “sex positive sex obsessive lifestyle they seemed to lead just seemed to be going nowhere and contributing to them not being very normal/well rounded people?

It was like they were still stuck in their 20’s and casually dating/sleeping around and it was becoming compulsive behaviour, not “enjoying expressing themselves sexually”

I mean I’m quite liberal and don’t want the marriage/three kids/mortgaged house in the suburbs, and they were fun people at times, but I think they were gradually just detaching more and more from mainstream life and it was increasingly weird to communicate with them because of the sex obsession

what consenting adults like to do is fine, but every conversation being about “finding the next club to be tied up in whilst wearing suspenders” gets tedious and boring after a while.

My worry would be that he’s told you because he’s now expecting you to “reward his honesty” by engaging in his kink permanently.

Similarly with the MH issues - there seems to be an element of “Ive said I’ve got X, so that excuses any weird behaviour now”

Read some of the “AUtogynaphile widow” threads on here

these men have a particular fetish, and the wives feel that “give a fetishist an inch, and they’ll take a mile” where the fetish basically has overwhelmed everything “normal” in the relationship

This would be too much for me. Pain related fetish/relationships with men would be total dealbreaker.

Being bi sexual would be a deal breaker for me...I don't find bisexual men attractive at all.
Other than that, the other things are dependent on the severity of the issue.

I stopped dating someone as a sexual fetish became apparent. I had no real issue with it but it just wasn't for me and I knew I wouldn't be enough for him. There were no hard feelings...he got it and is now seeing someone and they are much better suited.

@TacoLover

Because from a few lines of text I don’t know whether the mental health issues are low level anxiety or massively uncontrolled bipolar with risky behaviours? Risky behaviours plus sex with men could mean unprotected sex with men and he could be at higher risk?

Because I’m making a guess?

Because it really doesn’t matter? OP is uncomfortable dating a bisexual guy and it is her right to date whoever she pleases. She doesn’t have to justify herself or push boundaries so that people don’t take offence. I’ll say it again - she’s not obligated to date anyone that she doesn’t want to, for whatever reason.

Yabu to call these red flags.

Fair enough if you choose not to have a relationship with someone for whatever reason, but none of these are red flags, apart from the 'fetish', though more details are needed in this case.

A 'red flag' is completely different. It is something that alerts you to a person being an abuser.