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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that there are too many red flags.

181 replies

Justnotsure1980 · 13/06/2018 16:58

New partner, great guy and friends for years.

Now we’re in a relationship and he’s opening up to me and he’s revealed;

Serious sexual fetish.
Mental ill health requiring medication.
Past relationships with men.
Offending behaviour in his childhood.

He’s a great guy, but AIBU to think that there are too many red flags to take this relationship forward?

OP posts:
TheBigFatMermaid · 13/06/2018 21:21

I dated a bi guy once. One of his friends said I must be very open minded. I told him no, I was close minded, cheating with anyone of any sex was a no. Ultimately the relationship was doomed to fail. He just could not resist men.

I was all the woman he wanted but could never be all the man!

bobstersmum · 13/06/2018 21:26

Ermm well, he likes a bit of cock doesn't he? The op doesn't have a cock as far as I'm aware so....

Hoopaloop · 13/06/2018 21:28

You won't be able to give blood that's for sure

JacquesHammer · 13/06/2018 21:36

Ermm well, he likes a bit of cock doesn't he? The op doesn't have a cock as far as I'm aware so...

So are you saying bisexual people can’t possbly be happy with a partner because they always want something else? Confused

Maelstrop · 13/06/2018 21:39

Couldn’t date a bi guy for the blood donating reasons, I’m far too keen on doing that.

Wouldn’t date anyone into pain.

Wouldn’t date anyone with mh issues, I’m way too impatient/intolerant. I know, I’m probably a terrible person.

TypingoftheDead · 13/06/2018 21:49

None of those would necessarily be deal breakers to me (rather than red flags) in isolation, but it still depends on the severity of each one, like other PP's have said.
I have several friends with mental health issues, it wouldn't bother me if something more developed with any of them (aside from the fact virtually all my friends are women and most of us aren't lesbians lol).
The BDSM thing, to be honest I was interested in trying it for a few years, but it was a disappointment when I finally did, so I don't think I'd bother again. I can totally understand why you'd feel put off by it for other reasons, though.
Him being bisexual, in theory I'd be OK with it - I don't believe a bi person is necessarily more likely to cheat than a straight person.
Offending behaviour, depends what it was and why he did it, also is he likely to do something similar again?

Frogscotch7 · 13/06/2018 21:55

Can’t get over the red flag phobia is this thread. Disgusting. Red flags are just as acceptable as blue and white flags. Educate yourselves.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 13/06/2018 22:11

It's everyone's right obviously not to date someone for any reason but:

  1. You do know because a man is bi it doesn't mean he'll fancy every single man? If he's inclined to cheat, his sexual orientation wouldn't matter an iota.
  1. Of a man said he wouldn't date a bi woman on here he would be ripped to shreds.

Personally I have MH issues myself. I think the severity/type would make a difference. Controlled anxiety/depression then sure. But psychotic disorders, maybe not.

The bad behaviour when younger would depend on severity. Talked back to teachers/tried to steal anafrershave - no problem. Brandished a knife on someone or sexually assaulted someone, no way.

Being bi (as above) wouldn't bother me.

Sexual fetish would depend how seriously they took it and whether they'd try to pressure me into it.

He sounds like he may have gone through trauma when younger though - which can be very hard to deal with sometimes.

BowKay · 13/06/2018 22:15

I strongly disagree with people labelling you "biphobic" if you don't want to date someone who is bisexual. Sexual attraction is a very personal thing, it's ridiculous to say you are "phobic" of someone you aren't sexually attracted to, no matter what trait it is that means you don't want an intimate relationship with them. I personally would not date a bisexual man because it would put me off sexually that he finds men attractive. I couldn't give a fig who any of my friends or family members sleep with.

TacoLover · 13/06/2018 22:18

TheBigFatMermaid you know that this experience is specific to the one person you dated and does not apply to bisexual people in general right?

dontcomenearmewiththat · 13/06/2018 22:20

Since when is the term “red flags” reserved only for abusive relationships.

Red flags in an interpersonal context are just small warning signs which signify that a person might think or behave in a dysfunctional way.

TheBigFatMermaid · 13/06/2018 22:23

TheBigFatMermaid you know that this experience is specific to the one person you dated and does not apply to bisexual people in general right? Yes Taco, that is why it is a 'This is what happened to me', rather than a 'This could happen to you'.

I just though it was worth consideration.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 13/06/2018 22:47

TacoLover Why do you seem so hell bent on making the women on this thread cross lines they are not comfortable crossing?

What doesn’t bother you bothers others. It’s not phobic to say so.

TemptressofWaikiki · 13/06/2018 23:14

Think ‘red flags’ may not be the right term for me but I’d see it more like ‘deal-breakers’, depending on your personal list of non-negotiable traits, past actions and other background stuff.

Serious sexual fetish involving pain as you mentioned is an absolute no-go and non-negotiable

Mental ill health requiring medication is on balance another complete no-go because I lived under the shadow of seriously mentally ill close relatives and would never want to have to deal with this again up close and personal if avoidable.

Past relationships with men, be also completely and absolutely non-negotiable. Nout to do with jealousy or any personal judgement but it is a total turn-off for me. The though that he had sex with a man just would seriously stop me from ever wanting sex with that person and kill any sexual attraction stone dead.

Offending behaviour in his childhood very much depends on what kind of things and severity of crime. Anything to do with inappropriate sexual acts with other, especially younger kids or if any animals were hurt would be a total no. The rest really would depend on a case by case basis. But I wouldn’t even get that far with all the other stuff.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/06/2018 00:53

I'm perfectly happy with both kink and bisexuality in a playmate or a friend. I wouldn't necessarily be put off by MH problems that needed daily medication, and as for a 'criminal' past, it would depend what that person had done.
But all four at once, in a relatively new relationship? I'd bin and move on, because there are potential partners out there who would be less hard work. Someone who's told you all those things is someone who is going to expect unconditional support and patience and understanding (while not being prepared to put himself out for you if you are having a bad day.)

ReanimatedSGB · 14/06/2018 00:55

Because what you've got there is a professional Wounded Puppy. Nothing is ever going to be his fault. He's been 'brave' and 'honest' in telling you all those things about him (which are all going to be reasons why he will disregard or hurt your feelings but you are not allowed to complain, ever.)

busybarbara · 14/06/2018 01:50

I find it a bit disturbing people on this thread are opening admitting they wouldn't date someone because of a disability Shock

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 14/06/2018 02:27

You might find it unpalatable Barbara but when it comes to sex and relationships people are allowed to discriminate.

TacoLover · 14/06/2018 07:11

*TacoLover Why do you seem so hell bent on making the women on this thread cross lines they are not comfortable crossing?

What doesn’t bother you bothers others. It’s not phobic to say so.*
I'm not. I've just seen many generalisations on this thread about bisexual people and people sharing anecdotes about one person as if that was reason not to date one at all. If it's your preference that is fine but it would sound a bit weird to you if someone said "I dated a blonde once and she was a right weirdo. Cheated on me because she wanted brunettes after all. Thought you should maybe consider it." There has been an implication that one bisexual person doing this means that OPs boyfriend may also; this is a massive generalisation so I just wanted to point it out.

BlondeSea · 14/06/2018 10:00

@TacoLover You were crying "biphobic" before that poster shared their experience.

I would never be sexually attracted to a bisexual man, I find it a huge turn off and choose not to be intimate with any men who have slept with men. Is that biphobic to you?

It's not because I'm making any kind of assumptions about the person- I would find the fact that a man had previously been intimate with men and found men sexually attractive a dealbreaker. That's what you won't seem to accept.

expatinscotland · 14/06/2018 10:05

I'm still curious to know what the pain fetish is. C'mon, tell us more!

People can discriminate however they please when it comes to dating. It's better that they keep to their standards than waste someone's time trying to coax themselves into fancying someone they don't.

The MH issues and the fetish would put me off, but not the bisexuality.

Mousefunky · 14/06/2018 10:20

Bisexuality doesn’t mean when you meet and fall in love with someone, you are always looking for something else. Just as a homosexual or heterosexual wouldn’t be looking for someone else of the same/opposite sex, bisexual people aren’t searching either. They don’t feel they’re missing out on the opposite genitalia to whatever their partner has... sigh. Nice to see an entire sexuality misconstrued.I have dated bisexual men before, they weren’t always searching for men. It is not a ‘red flag’.

Sexual fetish isn’t either unless it is something incredibly violent that involves weapons. If it’s something you don’t personally like then fair enough, probably not compatible sexually.

Mental illness isn’t a red flag unless they have history of violence relating to their mental illness. Many people take anti depressants, for example, and they aren’t dangerous to society.

PaintedHorizons · 14/06/2018 10:20

I wouldn't date a gay guy, an 18 year old, a 95 year-old, a bi-guy, a man with six kids, a bald guy, a trans guy, a very fat guy, a male model, a..... etc etc - you get the picture. None of this makes me any sort of --cist. Those are not people I am attracted to. Stupid comment.

Take it to it's logical conclusion and you'll be put in prison/ lose your job for not showing that you are open to all when you have sex.

"The tribunal finds that Ms X refused a date and or sex with ten black men, four bi-men, one trans-man and only one white able-bodied man and it is therefore decided that she is most definitely ......ist and should be punished accordingly"

And no I am not racist/disablist/sexist although I am well aware from previous MN experience that I will be called so by some.

PaintedHorizons · 14/06/2018 10:22

Oh and DP has a sexual fetish - and I thought it was weird at first but got to not mind it. It turns him on and doesn't bother me so I indulge him. (No pain though)

Bumdishcloths · 14/06/2018 10:29

Mental ill health requiring medication could be anything from bog standard anti depressants to anti psychotics to anxiety meds to god knows what else. I'd probe further. Having been in a relationship with someone with bipolar and borderline personality disorder, I wouldn't be in a hurry to do it again.