To think that there are too many red flags.

[Justnotsure1980]

New partner, great guy and friends for years.

Now we’re in a relationship and he’s opening up to me and he’s revealed;

Serious sexual fetish.
Mental ill health requiring medication.
Past relationships with men.
Offending behaviour in his childhood.

He’s a great guy, but AIBU to think that there are too many red flags to take this relationship forward?

No way. He’s telling you he will cheat and blame anyone but himself.

What the fuck - where the hell are you getting this from?

Also, those of you who wouldn't date someone with mental health issues, do you also rule out everyone with physical health issues? If not, why?

What was the offending behaviour?
All those things in combination would be too much for me, but you know him best.
Depends if they are all current issues or in the past?
I'd also wonder after telling you all that at this early stage, what he's potentially not telling you (don't mean to be horrible but you never know...)

Does he like to hurt people? Are you worried that he'll hurt you?

If it was me, I wouldn't continue the relationship past a short fling. I just don't think I could keep someone like that sexualy satisfied in a long term relationship.

Assuming he's into serious bdsm, unless your up for doing that on a regular basis he's probably going to start seeming a dom at some point down the line. And there are things men can do for him that a woman can't, so more reason for him to stray.

The fetish would be a dealbreaker for me. I'm not into pain or giving it. Just nope. Bisexuality wouldn't put me off.

Most of those would be a dealbreaker for me so all of them together would be a definite no. If he has owned up to this fetish I’d be very surprised if he doesn’t have other even darker fetishes he hasn’t disclosed yet. And more skeletons in the closet.

@medea13 I wouldnt date a bi guy because every bi guy I have ever met eventually came out as gay, including my brother. I know that not all bi guys are going to be gay but I just wouldn't want to invest time and feelings into someone if there was even a possibility that one day he'll realise that a man is what he really wants.

Op i think there is too many red flags here. Your gut is obviously telling you the same. I'd walk away now, the longer you're together the harder it will be to end it.

For me, yeah, but I have a history of being abused myself and don't like to take risks on men like that. I also don't like violence, so the fetish would send me running far away.

Sorry violence was the wrong word, but that's what giving pain gave me the connection of.

It’s the combination of them all together.
It would be too much for me.

I would walk away personally.

Serious sexual fetish
Offending behaviour in his childhood

Those two alone are big red flags. And if you are calling them that, is because you are really concerned about them. Just run!

The pain sexual fetish is worrying. Could end up trying to force you to take part in something I'm surmising you wouldn't want to.

Some childhood offenders continue to have antisocial problems as adults, and might not be very nice people in private. I know from personal experience. Was in a relationship once with someone who seemed quite respectable to the outside world, but who became really nasty in private after a few months. Eventually found out he had a history of offending behaviour as a child, and the nasty behaviour was closely linked to it.

New partner, great guy and friends for years.

Now we’re in a relationship and he’s opening up to me and he’s revealed;

Serious sexual fetish.
Depends on what it is. Is he forcing you to participate, or wheedling you until it's hard to say no? That's a red flag.

Mental ill health requiring medication.
There are many different types of mental ill health, and many degrees of severity. How well controlled is it, does he cooperate with his medical team? You'll be extremely lucky if you yourself go through life without having mental ill health at some point. I have mental health problems, medicated, and I'm a fully functioning member of society, my family, and my (stressful, fairly senior) profession.

Past relationships with men.
He's to some degree bisexual. Why are you being biphobic? Why is this an issue? I suspect you may have some false beliefs about bi people.
And have you thought that the mental health issues could result from a childhood of suppressing his attraction to men?

Offending behaviour in his childhood.
Like what? I know some people who did minor shop-lifting, or drugs, and they wouldn't dream of doing it now.

Some people grow up in families where offending is almost inevitable. As long as he's turned his life around, why should it matter?

He’s a great guy, but AIBU to think that there are too many red flags to take this relationship forward?
I don't see these as being red flags. If the mental health issue is very severe it can put pressure on a relationship, so it depends on degree and control. The childhood offending again varies so much in degree that it's impossible to say - if he murdered someone, tortured someone, or raped, then I'd be thinking carefully. If he stole magazines from WHSmith I would just think he was a bit of an idiot as a kid, or had a troubled upbringing.

Ffs someone not wanting to have a relationship with someone who is bisexual isn’t “biphobic.” 🙄

It's not biphobic no, but to call it a red flag doesn't sit right either. The other things are potential flags.

Sayhellotothesun

The poster above me called it biphobic!

I think it’s like the rest of the listed things in the OP - some of them people would mind, some they wouldn’t. Nothing wrong with that. The point is the OP doesn’t view any of the 4 things as ones she is comfortable with, and therefore she should stop seeing this person.

The only one that doesn't worry me about that is the mental health one, maybe because I know a fair amount of people who have mental health issues and that doesn't change my opinion on them.

Otherwise, yes they would worry me.

The sexual fetish would bother me. The mental health might depending on how well managed it is.

You don’t owe him anything though. If you’re not sure, then you’re not sure.

You’re the one who has to be with him not us and you can refuse to continue to date anyone for any reason. If these things make you uncomfortable just knock it on the head and friendzone him.

In the gay community there are many many men who won't date a bisexual man, and there are straight women who won't date a bisexual man. Purely because they are also attracted to another sex, not for any other reason.

Tell me what that is, if it isn't biphobia? Not wanting to be friends with someone who is gay would be classed as homophobia.

There are all sorts of false beliefs about bisexual people, especially that they are liable to run off with anyone, or can't be monogamous. It's just as crazy as saying that you shouldn't date a bloke because he likes blonds (like you) and brunettes.

"I'm guessing it could be related to knives". What the actual fuck?! There's nowhere quite like mumsnet for people just inventing their own narrative.

Why not just go the whole hog and let's make him the Croydon Cat Killer and warn the Op that's he's clearly both a narcissist and a psychopath and he'll probably decapitate her and keep her in a weird shrine in his she'd of the house he shares with his mother, 48 trantulas and slave called Nigel?!

Jesus wept.

To me that’s too many red flags in one person.

There will always be someone who is outraged that you make assumptions about one of those things. But the truth is, if you came on MN when it all went wrong, a LTR and possibly DCs down the line, the same people would say - why did you have DC when there were so many red flags!

For me the sexual fetish thing is the biggest problem. Because often when someone develops such a sexual niche they have a reliance on porn and in my experience of dating someone with a sexual fetish, they find it hard to get it up for normal sex which is actually work on your part, if you’re not into that fetish as well. Then when you are knee deep in a LTR or with DC, you won’t have the time or inclination to dedicate towards fulfilling the fetish (if that’s what you have been doing,) and they start looking to do it elsewhere.

Bisexuality is not a problem in itself, but it does open up options as far as fulfilling the fetish from other people.

Mental health not a problem either, but on top of the type of fetish it is, it’s all getting a bit destructive. Which is not really the kind of long term thing you want.

To me the adolescent behaviour is the least of the problems and was probably just a gateway to the mental health problems.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d dabbled in drugs too - but that’s me making a few mental links.

Shed. The shrine's in the shed.

He's to some degree bisexual. Why are you being biphobic?

That's an unfair comment.

I wouldn't date a man who was bisexual. I'm not biphobic or homophobic... I don't think bisexuality is wrong. I just couldn't be romantically/intimately involved with a man who I knew was attracted to men. I think lots of women may feel like that.

Op...it doesn't matter if they are red flags or not. You don't have to go out with him if you don't want to...no reason required.

Pollaidh

Did you really just equate not wanting to be friends with someone, with having a sexual relationship with them?!? That’s not comparable at all!

Would you want to have a relationship with a post operative transgender? If not, by your standards you are transphobic.

It’s ridiculous. I have several bisexual friends, but I wouldn’t want to date a bisexual man. That’s very much my decision, as it’s your decision to want to date men and women. If i don’t want to date a woman am I homophobic? 🙄

Using the phobia card where it isn’t relevant demeans the entire argument and prevents people from taking real homophobia etc seriously.

I'm quite frankly outraged by the biphobia by many users in this thread. Being bisexual is not a red flag; that would suggest that there is something wrong with it. Being bisexual does not 'open other options' or mean that he is going to cheat. It does not mean he is just on his way to coming out as gay. The prejudice on here is astounding tbh.