Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that there are too many red flags.

181 replies

Justnotsure1980 · 13/06/2018 16:58

New partner, great guy and friends for years.

Now we’re in a relationship and he’s opening up to me and he’s revealed;

Serious sexual fetish.
Mental ill health requiring medication.
Past relationships with men.
Offending behaviour in his childhood.

He’s a great guy, but AIBU to think that there are too many red flags to take this relationship forward?

OP posts:
Pollaidh · 13/06/2018 18:57

I wouldn't date a man who was disabled.
I wouldn't date a man who was black.
I wouldn't date a man who was a Hindu.

I wouldn't date a man who was bisexual.

Sounds a similar sort of objection to me.

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 13/06/2018 19:01

If you don't share an interest in the fetish then I think that's enough of a red flag in itself to be honest.

Gottokondo · 13/06/2018 19:03

I wouldn't date a bisexual man (again). I had a relationship with a bisexual man for years. He had issues with my looks if I was dressed too feminine or put on lipstick or high heels etc. It put him off. He needed a manly looking woman or a feminine looking guy. Basically someone in between. I am however a lipstick wearing woman in preferably a pink and purple dress with dotted hearts, bows and frills (exagerating). We argued a lot about my choices. I realise that this was just my experience with one bisexual man but it wasn't good for my self esteem. Never again.

So biphobic? No, because I've been there. Wouldn't reccomend it. And never again.

TacoLover · 13/06/2018 19:06

So biphobic? No, because I've been there. Wouldn't reccomend it. And never again.

You wouldn't recommend dating a bisexual man because you had one bad experience with one bisexual person? By doing this you are attributing one bad experience to a whole group of people. And you think that isn't biphobia?

Pollaidh · 13/06/2018 19:07

Not wanting to be in a same-sex relationship when you are straight is entirely different to not wanting to date a man just because he's bisexual. In the first case you are not attracted to women. In the second case you are attracted to him, but rejecting him purely because he's bisexual.

Biphobia is a real thing and if you've bi friends I'm surprised you're not aware, although bisexual men are more discriminated against than bi women in the straight community. In the gay community bi women are discriminated against because people think they'll run off with a man.

If I liked a post-op transgendered person and found them attractive, I wouldn't see their transgender status as an issue. Maybe something to give some thought to perhaps, especially around fertility issues, but not a red flag. I actually used to be trans-phobic, until I learnt more, and that changed my views.

Calling bisexuality a red flag is entirely biphobic. Red Flags are associated with violence, domestic abuse etc. Equating bisexuality with dangerous and illegal behaviour is biphobic.

Butterflykissess · 13/06/2018 19:08

i just wouldnt be attracted to a bisexual man. its called preference.

TacoLover · 13/06/2018 19:09

Bisexuality is not a problem in itself, but it does open up options as far as fulfilling the fetish from other people.

This is bullshit.

iwishicouldbelikedavidwatts · 13/06/2018 19:10

tbh this could mostly/in part/all describe some of my favourite people in the world, but i've never been particularly adept at spotting "red flags"

Pollaidh · 13/06/2018 19:14

Butterfly I'm trying to understand. If you didn't know a guy was bisexual (and you often don't) and you were attracted to him, liked him, and then found out he was bisexual, what is it about his bisexuality that puts you off him?

FinallyHere · 13/06/2018 19:14

The whole pain thing wouldn't work for me.

Sexual compatibility is such a big thing, I'd prefer to stay just friends.

VladmirsPoutine · 13/06/2018 19:14

He’s a great guy, but AIBU to think that there are too many red flags to take this relationship forward?

If you think there are too many red flags then there's your answer. I can't see what it would help to have others try to 'talk' you into giving him a chance. For some people one or two of the things on that list would be fine whereas for others would render the relationship dead in the water. Who can really say what you should or should not put up with.

Butterflykissess · 13/06/2018 19:16

it would instantly put me off. its just not for me. inwould be friends with a bisexual guy/ gay guy but wouldnt date one.

crispysausagerolls · 13/06/2018 19:17

Some men might not want to date me because I am a brunette and they like blondes. Is this a phobia? No, it’s a sexual preference and they are entitled to it.

anotherangel2 · 13/06/2018 19:20

OP if you are not happy with continuing this relationship then end it. We all have our own boundaries. You don’t need anyone else’s permission.

TacoLover · 13/06/2018 19:21

crispysausagerolls it is a preference. But labelling bisexuality as a red flag is biphobia. Because that is instantly saying that there is something bad about it. And in a society where bisexual people are constantly discriminated against(some of the posts on this thread will show you) labelling their sexuality as a red flag is wrong.

crispysausagerolls · 13/06/2018 19:26

TacoLover

I agree with the labelling part - I wasn’t the one who said it’s a red flag, OP is. But I also think OP is just using red flag to mean “reason for me to not be in a relationship with this personally”, not as some sort of insult. Just like I’m sure she isn’t being discriminatory against those with MH issues.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 13/06/2018 19:32

Not necessarily red flags but it's more than enough to put me off a partner. I wouldn't want to date a partner that was bi and the medical condition alone would put me off if serious.

Your choice OP but the fact you've posted suggests the answer.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 13/06/2018 19:33

Humans reserve the right to reject sexual partners for any reason, however spurious.

Don’t think the bisexuality is a problem. It might be a problem for the OP if combined with the fetish and mental health issues she can’t be sure he’s been safe and protected.

But, regardless, she’s not obligated to date someone because otherwise ‘biphobia’.

TacoLover · 13/06/2018 19:33

I know it might not be intentional. But the phrase red flag has negative connotations so she she shouldn't use it.

JamPasty · 13/06/2018 19:39

So biphobic? No, because I've been there. Wouldn't reccomend it. And never again.

Jesus fucking christ. Because all bisexuals are the fucking same. I counter this idiotic comment with the fact I went out with a bisexual bloke. Guess what, he was an individual like every other bloke I've dated. If you don't fancy bi people, then ok, but don't be fucking prejudiced about what they're like

bobstersmum · 13/06/2018 19:40

Would not date a bi guy. He wants /needs something you can't ever give him.

isadoradancing123 · 13/06/2018 19:40

The bisexual and fetish would def be red flags

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 13/06/2018 19:41

I don't think it's biphobic to have a preference for someone who is straight. I wouldn't find bisexuality an attractive thing in a partner tbh. It would be an absolute head fuck if you're even a tiny bit insecure. Along with the fetish this would tell me I'm not sexually compatible with this person and that's a big deal for me so it'd be a no from me.

MumofBoysx2 · 13/06/2018 19:41

If he's Bi I definitely would be put right off.

Snowman123 · 13/06/2018 19:41

I'd struggle with the been with men part.

But the good thing is he has told you all of these things. He's been open and honest - and that counts for a lot.

Swipe left for the next trending thread