To think that there are too many red flags.

[Justnotsure1980]

New partner, great guy and friends for years.

Now we’re in a relationship and he’s opening up to me and he’s revealed;

Serious sexual fetish.
Mental ill health requiring medication.
Past relationships with men.
Offending behaviour in his childhood.

He’s a great guy, but AIBU to think that there are too many red flags to take this relationship forward?

Haven't rtft but I'd run a mile from a 'pain-related' fetish

'While it's better, generally, for people to be open-minded and accepting of difference when it comes to socialising, individuals have the right to be as bigoted and narrowminded and stupid as they want'

No, I think you're trying to apply some moral high ground argument here. These are not differences - they are red flags to potential problems.

Bi guys have wider experience, aren’t in denial of a natural part of their sexuality and may - just may - be more emotionally intelligent and in-touch than your average so/called straight guy. They may also be more experimental and open and therefore better in bed. As far as I’m concerned it’s so far from a red flag as to be a plus point. The rest of it? That depends.

Good grief. The number of people who have jumped on the OP is ridiculous.

I wouldn't date a man who was bisexual, purely because I wouldn't feel comfortable being intimate with a man who has had sex with a man. This is a personal choice and is not discriminatory or -'cist' of any kind.

For those of you stating that those who say we wouldn't date a bisexual man (or woman) is being discriminatory, I think you're forgetting that people have the right to not be attracted to everyone, to have personal preferences, and that it's ok to not want to have relationship with someone if you feel uncomfortable with certain aspects of their personality.

Red flag is not just associated with DV - it just means that something trips a warning sign that should be considered. You could have a red flag about someone’s attitude to money or drinking.

The factors the OP listed are not automatic reasons for dissmising someone as a romantic partner, of course not, but to think about whether they are things one could be comfortable with.

Any or all those things would be a turn off for me for embarking on a close romantic relationship. It’s not discriminatory to have personal preferences or boundaries in personal relationships.

I don't think a single person on here has actually said that choosing not to date a bisexual person because you're not attracted to them or having a preference is discriminatory, so maybe people need to read the thread again. What people have been objecting to is the generalisations that many people have made in this thread; calling bisexuality a red flag as if it were a problem in itself, suggesting that bisexual people are more likely to cheat, that they would just come out as gay, etc.

Also it's worth pointing out that the OP hasn't said that her problem with bisexuality is that she isn't sexually attracted to someone who has had sex with men. She said her problem is that there's 'lots of competition' as if she would be competing for his attention or that he would be more likely to have his head turned.. this seems to me more like prejudice than preference.

Surely the difference is obvious:

1. I find I tend not to be attracted to a man who is bisexual/black... but if I did meet a black/bisexual man and was attracted to them, I wouldn't run away just because they were black/bisexual.

1. I wouldn't date a man who was black/bisexual, because they're black/bisexual.

The first is preference, and everyone has a right to that. The second is prejudice. If you entirely write off a group of people purely because of a protected characteristic, then that's prejudice.

Bi guys have wider experience, aren’t in denial of a natural part of their sexuality

Sounds pretty heterophobic

I agree with what sgb writes

There’s quite a lot of “scene” people who are fairly difficult/emotionally unhealthy types who are fairly hypersexual/victimy

I myself have had sexual experiences with men and women when younger. I also enjoy a bit of “rougher” sex with the right lover, if appropriate.

But writing AS someone who has directly experienced that social scene (so I’m not just automatically being dismissive/discriminatory) there’s quite a lot of issues and fucked upness associated with that scene?

That’s why I’d be reticent to get socially involved with anyone who chooses to introduce/define themselves by their sexuality/sexual preferences/MH issues. It’s not being discriminatory - it’s identifying someone who hasn’t built a life or identity beyond sex.

I think there are lots of people there who are unable to function beyond the fetish club world (in their 40s and 50s).

Sort of obsessed with sex despite being really non sexy (as in physically not taking care of themselves, addictions, compulsive behaviour etc) Using casual sex as a defence mechanism against serious emotional issues or body image issues.

Personally I would find all of these things huge turnoffs! If you're not comfortable OP, just walk away!

Actually I have found just as many whinyarses and losers outside the fetish scene. (Try hanging out with musicians if you want to meet a load of self-obsessed 'look at how broken but special I am' timewasters...) A lot of my fetish scene mates are funny, artistic, intelligent, inventive and excellent company despite being, you know, old.

ReanimatedSGB I can agree with you on the musician front! is it bad that dating one was enough for me and I’d probably avoid it again?!

He used to tell me he thought he had a mental condition and didn’t like it when I told him it was self obsession (it was btw, he was a privileged posh boy definitely no issues other than annoyance he couldn’t draw on the whole ‘tortured artist’ schtick!)

Oh, I've giggled at my reaction to this thread.

I read it the OP and thought, 'Shit no OP, run for the hills. That's far too much for you deal with'.

Then I carried on reading a bit. Then I thought a bit. Then I realised that it all sounded familiar.

I have mental health issues (medicated, relatively controlled, but pretty serious), I am bisexual, I have had offending behaviour in my youth (linked to childhood trauma), I have 'serious' sexual fetishes (some related to pain).

So my advice appears to be not to ever date me. Sorry chicken.

Seriously though, I get it. It's a lot of stuff, and you clearly aren't comfortable with it, for whatever reason (though please could the whole 'more likely to cheat if you're bi' myth die a fucking death ASAP), so you are entirely within your rights to not date him. Like I'm entirely within my rights to not want to date someone who wouldn't get my regular sci-fi film references, or can't take the joy out of simple things in life.

I'm not to everyone's taste, clearly, no one is, and the trick of relationships is compatibility. Not one person twisting and turning themselves into something else to fit the form the other person needs. That's not sustainable. You're not compatible with him OP, that's not on him, or on you, so you should just walk away.

I do think your 'red flag' terminology was unfortunate, though I get you were using it loosely. I suppose the youthful offending could be worrying, but there's plenty of people out there who were dicks as teenagers and sorted their shit out. 'Red flags' to me are more related to potential indicators of DV or general arseholeness.

Are straight women discriminating against lesbians because they don't want to have sex with them? No.

There's a difference between discrimination and sexual attraction. A huge and very obvious difference.

*Are straight women discriminating against lesbians because they don't want to have sex with them? No.

There's a difference between discrimination and sexual attraction. A huge and very obvious difference.*

Um? Eh? Straight women don't want to have sex with lesbians because they aren't attracted to women. So, of course that's not discriminatory, that's about their biological drive.

Straight women are attracted to men. If a straight woman isn't attracted to a bisexual man, that's nothing to do with the fact that he is in a biological category that she is fundamentally not attracted to. That's a judgement call based on something to do with him, specifically, his sexual preferences. If she didn't know he was bisexual, she might well be attracted to him. There's nothing innate about it.

Crack on and argue that people are entitled to their preferences, and indeed they are, but in cases where women say they are 'just not physically attracted' to bisexual men, it's not even close the same as a straight woman not fancying another woman. And I'm happy to go so far as to say it's cultural, and in a lot of cases unconsciously homophobic and about how society defines masculinity.

I'm not particularly banging a drum here by the way.

I can't get very exercised about the idea that someone might not want to sleep with me because I happen to be attracted to both men and women, though this is less often an issue for a bisexual woman (though has happened to me once). If that's their reason, then I don't particularly want to have a relationship with them either.

If a straight woman isn't attracted to a bisexual man, that's nothing to do with the fact that he is in a biological category that she is fundamentally not attracted to.

That raises an interesting point then. If, as you claim, straight women are straight and therefore attracted to straight men, what sexuality is a woman who is attracted to all men, whether they are straight or bi, but not women?

That raises an interesting point then. If, as you claim, straight women are straight and therefore attracted to straight men, what sexuality is a woman who is attracted to all men, whether they are straight or bi, but not women?

That's not what I said though. I said 'Straight women are attracted to men.'

So I would call a woman only attracted to men not women a 'straight woman'. It's irrelevant whether the men are straight, bi, gay or any other form of sexuality. Obviously. If a straight woman is not attracted to a subset of men because of their sexuality, then that's not about her actual sexual orientation that's just filtering, the same way that she can decide whether or not she is attracted to thin men, or fat men, or hairy men, or funny men, or intelligent men, or men with nice hands and forearms (maybe that's just me....). That's not her sexual orientation, though, that's preference.

Everyone has preferences for one thing or another, but unlike orientation I'd argue there are a lot more factors in play than your 'default setting' as it were. So I don't think you can claim that your 'sexual orientation' precludes you (generic you) wanting to sleep with a bisexual man, but your sexual preferences might preclude it.

And my point is, to me, sexual orientation is what it is. Sexual preferences can be more fluid. And created by factors other than innate biology. Some of those factors may include cultural prejudice.

If a guy being bi changes how you see them, fair enough (or vice versa). No one should have to sleep with anyone they have doubts about or aren't keen on. At least this guy's been upfront from the beginning. I have slept with bi men, my ds's dad is bi (but totally in denial still, even after being caught snogging/gropping another bloke). That doesn't bother me (that he's bi, I always suspected. The cheating did obviously, but he cheated with women too. He cheated because he's a cheat, not because he's bi. I'm bi and cheated once on a bloke when I was a teen and felt so guilty I'll never do it again). I could never sleep with a cross dresser or tanswomen again though (I have tried it, and ultimately it's not for me, or my thing. It would turn me off now more than anything). I wouldn't like a guy to reveal that to me, then try make me feel bad for not wanting to sleep with him anymore (again).

For me

Sexual fetish- it would depend how intense?
Mental health issues- again, depends how severe.
Being bi-sexual would be a no from me. I'm not phobic, that's just my preference.
I equally wouldn't date a 60 year old, doesn't make me ageist.
I wouldn't date a Chinese man as they're not my type but other races fine. Not racist.
I wouldn't date someone who had tattoos on their face etc.

Other that I'm relatively easy

Am I allowed to not date bisexual men because I don’t want to kiss a willy that’s been up someone else’s bum? Is that biphobic or arsehole phobic?

No Frosscotch that's your preference. I know lesbians and gay men who also aren't keen on bi people either, (the feeling the other person will want something they can't give, which does lead to cheating sometimes, or the thought of them doing/having done thing they find a turn off etc).

*things, damn phone

If he is a great guy and you are great friends and have been for years this is the basis of a wonderful relationship.

I want to say don’t give up yet, remember take each of these “red flags” one step at a time. As my boss says.... how do you eat an elephant? ...one bite at a time.

Frogscotch, I’m unclear how not dating bisexual men protects you from bumhole tainted willies.

Last I checked, women have bumholes too. Or are they a better class of bumhole and thus less permanently tainting?

Actually I definitely find the idea of lady bumholes less vile. So maybe I’m bi too.