To not attend family friend's wedding for this ridiculousness?

[Alookerer]

My mum, dad, sister and me have been invited to a family friend's wedding. Known her all our lives.

She says on the invite 'No Under 18s'

We did wonder why our other sister wasn't invited. She's 17 (18 a week after the wedding), and has a DC of her own.

My mum did mention in passing if DSister2 was invited if she could arrange childcare and the family friend's response was "Sorry, but I'm sticking with No under 18s".

I think family friend is being unreasonable. It isn't down to venue restrictions, either. It's a very basic wedding with a little buffet and stuff afterwards. I had my wedding at the same location.

I asked my DH, who usually sees both sides and agrees with the other person and not me, and even he agrees it is very odd!

What do you think?

AIBU to think she should be invited?

It's really unusual these days to be disapproving, to the point of shunning, of someone just because they are a young parent. I wonder if the situation is triggering something for the bride, perhaps she was pressured into an abortion at a young age, had a miscarriage or is having trouble conceiving. If I was in your position I would put my sister first and do something with her rather than attend the wedding, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, just in case.

My auntie had a no children under teens rule at her wedding, which essentially meant I wasn't invited but my parents and teenage brother were. She didn't like me so I think whatever age I had been she would have found reason not to invite me. I didn't find out till I was older that that was why we didn't go, my dad refused to attend if she didn't invite me, and thus a family fued ensued - so pick your battles!

“Dear Friend, I hear you’re having an X rated wedding? We’re more of a PG family, so won’t be attending. Hope it goes well, whatever you’re planning. Can’t wait to see the pictures!”

Shes treated your sister appallingly and I think out of support for her that none of you should go. The bride sounds like nasty judgemental cow and I'd be inclined to tell her that as well.

Your sister needs more solidarity than your family are showing.

She is 17, but in the same breath I will say she is only 17 and has had enough to contend with, without some jumped up cow looking down her nose at her or snubbing her.

your whole family needs to show sis that she matters. she has a long haul ahead

Just don't go. It's an invitation, not a court demand to attend.

Their wedding, their rules, if you don't like it, don't go!

Oh your friend most definitey is being strangled by her judgey pants! They're well and truly hoiked

I agree Hissy. I can't believe any of the OP's family are even contemplating attending this wedding in these circumstances. You really do need to stick up for your sister by presenting a United front on this. No way would I be attend this wedding in the OP's shoes, or those of her parents and other sister.

This bride is utterly rude and you need to cut her out of your life, your sister is much more important and should be given your full support and you should move away from this toxic judgmental person.

First off, it's her day, her decision, she doesn't have to justify it, it'd be unfair to other teens that didn't get to go, yadda yadda yadda blah blah. But with Sister's birthday being just a week away, it is weird. I see it being one of a number of things.

1 - Venue rules ruled out
2 - Insurance issues
3 - Related to serving alcohol

4 - It could be that others would take Sister's inclusion as a slight to their own minors
5 - Simply making the rule and sticking to it, hardcore, so she has one less thing to worry about during her wedding day.
6 - Concern Sister will show up with the baby anyway (that would apply to anyone with a baby, though, unless Sister is known for insisting on taking her baby with her absolutely everywhere)
7 - She disapproves of Sister's teenage motherhood.
8 - She's had a falling out with Sister that you're unaware of, or simply doesn't like her.

Everyone is jumping to #7, but honestly, I think it's probably #3, #4, or #5.

You could always ask her why, as gently and casually as you can. If it winds up being related to alcohol or similar , see if she can attend just the ceremony and skip the reception.

And if it becomes clear it's a snub, YANBU for the family to skip the whole shebang.

Also remember, wedding gifts are not obligatory.

Your friend is entitled to her feelings about teenage mum's. I wouldn't be all that happy about someone in my family becoming a parent at 17. She doesn't need to be happy about it. She should be nicer, but that's her choice. If you don't like it, you also have the choice to stop being her friend.

She doesn't need to accept someone if she is morally against their lifestyle choices. And you don't need to accept her if you are against her opinions. There's no point in forcing her to change - it's her wedding so she can do what she wants. But so can you. Just don't go.

I had a rule of no under 18’s at my wedding. Did cause a few issues but it was my day. We did extend the invite to 1 cousin on dh’s Side who was under 18 but she wanted to bring her bf(she was 15 or 16). Hence why o didn’t want to extend invites to under 18’s.

She didn’t attend because we wouldn’t allowe her bf and dh’s family were curtly told to please listen to me from now on. It did cause a bit of an atmosphere but I had no under 18’s on my side at all. Less stress that way! They bend the rule for 1 person, they’ll have to do it for all.

Travis1 - I wondered if that was the case but who knows.
Maybe your Mum & Dad go but you stay with your sister and do something nice with the kids. You don't know the reasoning behind her decision, accept it but support your sister too.

Oh do fuck off Rocitaine. 17 year olds have been babies since the dawn of time, and it's only in the last 100 years or so that being a teen mum has become frowned upon. Get over yourself, I bet your shit stinks as much as anyone's else's.

Rocinante1, what's it got to do with you when another person decides to have a baby?

Travis1, while I'm terribly sorry you are suffering from infertility, to exclude your own brother from your wedding or 'large life event' because he had the temerity to start a baby with his girlfriend is shockingly selfish and self-absorbed. And short-sighted.

Your brother is for life. You would seriously destroy your relationship with him for having a child of his own? His having a baby isn't preventing you from having one. That's not how it works.

@ManicUnicorn

Do you have some anger issues?

I had my kid at 21. It made life hard. So for a 17 year old to have one... It would make their life very hard. That is why I wouldn't not be happy about it. It's a huge thing to deal with at such a young age. I did not go into detail with my reasons because they are not necessary. The point was that some people will have issues/bad feelings about children having children. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Her friend can have any opinion she wants, and she does not need to invite someone to her wedding if she simply doesn't want a relationship with them anymore. Her reasons for that might be to do with the teen pregnancy, and whether you agree or not, it doesn't matter. She can feel however she wants.

At least I approached my comment without the disgusting language and insults which you used in yours.

@MiggledyHiggins

I refer you to my comment above.

But again, the response for her feeling that way (or me feeling that way) don't actually matter. She can feel however she likes about it. Doesn't mean OP needs to accept it or remain friends with her.

Its as if she is trying to get a dig in at your sister by reminding her shes still a child.

It's her wedding, her rules and you've got to draw the line somewhere otherwise I'm sure your 17 year old sister will open the door for others going "well such and such is 16 why can't she go if she's 17 and attending?", end of the day I don't think you should even be questioning it as it's not your wedding or your choice who is and isn't invited, don't like it, don't go.

My sister wasn’t invited to my uncle’s 80th so I bunked in solidarity with her. Depends how much you want to go and how much your sister cares.

I wouldnt go. There are far worse things that can happen to your kids than them becomimg young parents. I hope my girls are older, settled and the kids they have are because they've made a choice to have them. If not, I hope that they aren't targeted or gossiped about by judgemental people like your family 'friend'.

Your all missing the point, OP wants to know if she is being unreasonable not to go.

OP you are perfectly reasonable to refuse this invitation.

The bride-to-be sounds unpleasant and petty. Who in their right mind would exclude someone for the sake of being one week too young? In view of what you have said about your “friend” and her attitude to your sister, she has a big issue with your DS having a baby, and came up with the “no under 18’s” rule specifically to avoid inviting her.

I really wouldn’t go to this wedding, and I would tell the bride exactly why. She is being spiteful and hurtful to your sister.