To not attend family friend's wedding for this ridiculousness?

[Alookerer]

My mum, dad, sister and me have been invited to a family friend's wedding. Known her all our lives.

She says on the invite 'No Under 18s'

We did wonder why our other sister wasn't invited. She's 17 (18 a week after the wedding), and has a DC of her own.

My mum did mention in passing if DSister2 was invited if she could arrange childcare and the family friend's response was "Sorry, but I'm sticking with No under 18s".

I think family friend is being unreasonable. It isn't down to venue restrictions, either. It's a very basic wedding with a little buffet and stuff afterwards. I had my wedding at the same location.

I asked my DH, who usually sees both sides and agrees with the other person and not me, and even he agrees it is very odd!

What do you think?

AIBU to think she should be invited?

prune My sister is quite upset. She thought this friend of ours liked her but ever since she announced she was having a baby at 20 weeks or so, she doesn't comment on anything she puts on FB, she doesn't say anything but "hiya" when she passes her whilst out as a group of friends and family.

And she doesn't respond to anything my sister says when we are together

If we weren't friends for so many bloody years, I would've dropped her without a seconds thought a long time ago

Sounds like she's decided on a rule and will enforce it come hell or high water. I agree with you that a common-sense decision would be to invite someone aged 17 years and 364 weeks but perhaps there are politics elsewhere in the guest list whereby any exceptions to the rule would be pounced upon.

It's her wedding, so her choice. But if it was me, I wouldn't go and would make the excuse that by going it would make your sister feel rejected, so you're going to stay with her. There's no need to debate whether her rule is right or wrong, just point out that it will upset your sister, so you're choosing to stay with her (even if you're not).

364 weeks?

This is mean and petty, I wouldn't go either out of solidarity.

Maybe she's afraid your sister will bring her kid to the wedding.

It's her choice who she invites.

If you don't like it, well, don't go then.

Oops, 51 weeks. Sorry

expat That would be a fair point, but makes no sense in her case because why would my sister be any more likely to bring her DC than me too bring mine? Or our friends to bring theirs?

I suspect the problem is that if she’s flexible for one person she would end up with people saying why can’t my 17 year old come and then why can’t my 16 year old come. I feel bad for your sister as she’s obviously not a child in the way people think of child free weddings but it’s your friend’s wedding and she obviously feels she has to stand by this rule.
For the record tho I dislike child free weddings anyway as sometimes you have no childcare or are forced to leave your child when you aren’t ready so it’s a nightmare for a lot of parents

Unfortunately it sounds like a bigger deal than putting an age limit on the wedding - sounds a deliberate snub to your sister, maybe one that she is going to have to take a deep breath and talk to the friend about - as a friendship rather than as a wedding invite thing - I think you have to accept that the friend doesn't want your sis there at her wedding.

It's up to your sis to decide if she wants to fight to keep the friendship or at least to get reasons from the other woman - maybe you could help her by working through what she could say, what the friend might say and her reactions/responses to all the different situations so when she is talking to her, she's not too phased by anything the 'friend' says...

It seems very petty not to invite your sister, who will be very nearly 18. I think unfortunately she probably disapproves of your sister and/or doesn't like her. Is she the judgy sort who'd think it would "lower the tone" to have a 17 year old parent attending? Does she like to look down at people?

The only other explanation I can think of is that there's going to be some surprise "entertainment" with a lower age limit Tell her you've guessed!

How old is she, and is there much of a gap between you/other sister and 17 y.o sister? Just wondering if maybe she's closer (in terms of relationship perhaps due to growing up together?) to the two of you than the younger one? In that case I'd be inclined to say it's fait enough, although awkward... And I would only not go if you are not fussed about continuing the friendship.

Sounds like a personal issue with your sister and the bride's disapproval of her life choices. You and the rest of your family need to decide of you go to the wedding or not.

You think that maybe she wants to exclude your sister as she disapproves of her having a child so young? If that's so, then I probably wouldn't want to go to her wedding either.

This is the reason. The 'under 18' rule is an excuse.

I wouldn't go. I feel sorry for DSis finding out now that FF doesn't even want to be in the same room as her.

You say that the next eldest child around is 15, so I think she doesn't want your sister there. She would be the only one close to 18. If she wanted her at the wedding she would have set the age at 16

I imagine the bride is at least in her 20s. I consider 17 a CHILD and I'm a young-ish adult. It's rude though, I think it's awful that people invite only specific family members.

Nearly 18 is still just 17 though. And if someone is going to have A Rule about this sort of thing, there's no point in the rule if you allow a 17 year old. It might not even necessarily that there are other 17 year olds they don't want going, it could be children of any age, and without a specified age you'd have people asking questions all over the place about whether their incredibly mature 14 year old could go (for example).

There may well also be a separate snub aimed specifically at your sister, but not giving her an exception to the "no under 18s rule" isn't unreasonable in itself.

OP have you seen the "over 16s" wedding thread? Might give you some insight from the other side.

Oh, and in saying that, YANBU. I wouldn't go

Me, parents and all but one sibling invited to an event? I wouldn't go. Not because it is a ridiculous rule (though in this case I think it is), but because I wouldn't enjoy an event knowing that just one of my siblings had been left out.

That's unbelievably petty of the wedding host considering your sister is 18 a week later! I would stay home with my sister.

She thought this friend of ours liked her

"Did not congratulate or say anything nice to my sister when the baby was born and brought round to our local family pub for a get together."

"she doesn't comment on anything she puts on FB, she doesn't say anything but "hiya" when she passes her whilst out as a group of friends and family."

"And she doesn't respond to anything my sister says when we are together"

What part of this behaviour makes you think she likes your DS? Because it certainly doesnt sound like it!! By the sounds of it she disapproves of the pregnancy and doesn't want her there. Its her choice and her wedding so it doesn't matter if shes being unreasonable.

Personally I wouldn't go, especially if the next oldest child would only be 15 AND your sister is only a week off 18 at the wedding. I'm pretty sure if I had a mum, dad and another sister they jolly well wouldn't go out of principle either.
Sure it's her wedding and she can specify no under 18s etc, but with only 7 days in it, and no other under 18s even close to being borderline, she is being, in my opinion thoughtless and unreasonable.

PissOffMauriel

Yeah, some people make it all about them and kick up a fuss about going because they don't approve of the couple's choices.