To expect my twins to be kept together

[Blazingspeed]

Due to start reception in September. School has put them in separate classes without consulting me.
What do I do now? They won’t do well without each other, especially just starting out

My blood is boiling! Why must they be separated? You can tell most people who think that do not have twins themselves. It should be the parents making the decision NOT the school. I've twins and they would not cope being separated. It's no one's choice to separate but the parents and twins themselves. I am always guided by them and think they'll separate when they are ready. Luckily my primary school follows parents guidance on it.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/inews.co.uk/news/education/no-evidence-separating-twins-boosts-academic-achievement/amp/

New research showing no significant difference either way - so unsure why schools are insisting on separating.

They actually split my twins up at one point because one was doing less well in maths to be the same as his brother - he actually did a lot better when separated - don't think he was doing in intentionally but it was really weird.

Gosh, strong views re twins have been shared here!

OP they are your children - at this stage, you know them best. Go with your gut feel - if you think they need to be together make the school aware that you want them to be together (& insist - at least for this first year of school!)

I am a twin - we were in the same class throughout primary & when we went to Secondary my parents were asked what they would like to do re classes. They split us up. Wasn't exactly what we wanted but we got on with it & then made bloody sure to choose the same GCSE options (managed to be together for a few of them) & then went on to do the same A levels together!! We went our separate ways for Uni (that was hard) but our bond was & has never been broken.

All twins are different but parents will recognise if a bond is important or not between their two children.

Good luck! Xx

I haven't read the entire thread so apologies if this link to a research study specifically about this issue has been shared already: www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-43821974

I am a mother of id twins and they were lucky enough to be in the same room although separate classes in reception. They are not joined at the hip but I know it helped them to be able to see one another.

I emailed the Headteacher before they began school to share my concerns and she was very responsive and agreed to see how things went. I thought it was perfectly reasonable for me to speak to the school about this as I was of the opinion that all children are different and none of knew for certain what would be best.

Their little faces crumpled when I asked if how they’d feel going to different classes

Of course they did they have no real concept of what it means for all they know being in different classes is like going to different schools.

I would honestly put them in separate classes. I know it sounds daunting but the reality in most schools is that all it means is they will sit on different carpets in the morning and at home time. In reception they play for most of the day and this will mean they can spend time together or apart depending on their mood. They can still sit together at dinner time and play together at lunch but it gives them their own identities. It will also mean that parents evening will be focused on each individual child rather than merging the 2 together in a quick 5 minute appointment.

My younger brother & sister are twins and I remember them being together for reception year then being split up.

There were 2 other sets of twins in their year.

No idea if parents were consulted or not, seems like it may have been our infant school policy after reception year.

From what I recall, there were no issues whatsoever. My brother & sister flourished in their separate classes, made their own sets of friends, did well academically & socially, and beyond into secondary.

Talk to the schools about your concerns

YANBU OP, and put up with some pretty nasty responses on this thread.

Why put them through any unnecessary anxiety at this age? Especially as they sound as if they have a very healthy relationship. What on earth is wrong with them being a source of comfort to each other?

OP

I'm a professional working in this field (education, psychology, child development, school policies) and i agree with you.

It should be treated a decision, made jointly with school and parents, based on the needs of both twins and school resources. You do know your children extremely well and your views should be taken into account at least as part of the decision making process.

Previous posters have pointed out some excellent reasons for splitting twins but they do not apply to all twins in all contexts.

I hope your discussions with the school from this point on are useful.

*Fwiw the bond I have with my twin is no different to the one with my older sister.

We were gestated at the same time. That's literally it.*

If you're a fraternal twin that's perfectly true, but identical twins were literally the same ball of cells for up to 2 weeks before dividing into two, and they have the same DNA. You may choose to dismiss that fact, but a fact it remains.

It doesn't mean they can't grow up as separate, happy, functioning adults.

And for those moaning about twin parents wanting to see them as two parts of a whole - apart from the biological facts as set out above, I find it's the rest of the world that is obsessed by my daughters' "twinniness", not me. Only today they came home outraged because a classmate had given them a party invitation addressed to "The Twinnies".

*Fwiw the bond I have with my twin is no different to the one with my older sister.

We were gestated at the same time. That's literally it.*

But it isn't literally it for all twins - twins have more shared experiences that normal siblings. They share firsts in everything they do, they share birthdays, experiences etc. My fraternal boy/girl twins share a special bond, they support one another, they don't live in each others pockets but their connection is very apparent. Twins of course don't always have to be close, I know a few who seem to despise each other, resent the shared experiences, the shared firsts, which is why it is so important at the age of 4 to listen to the parents and not just have a blanket policy.

Thankyou so much to the last few posters

I’m not an emotional person but I’m not feeling like the greatest mother right now. Ever have one of those days where you feel like you’re doing everything wrong? 😂

I’ve totally done everything the wrong way round here

OP please don't beat yourself up about it. As many PP have pointed out, many schools are pretty free flow in the early years anyway, so your DT may well get the best of both worlds. I hope the school take your concerns on board and can put your mind at rest.

Good luck with whatever arrangement you end up with, you sound very sensible to me and I'm sure your little ones will be fine.

sending any child to school is an anxious time - you are sending these little people off on their own to be independent - for most its just are they ready and did we pick the right school - for you its the right decision for the classes.

Talk to the school, talk to the nursery - talk to the twins a bit but dont fall into the trap of leading questions or putting too much weight on them

You haven't done anything wrong OP. In fact you come across as very sensitive to the needs of your children,wanting the best for them, especially at such a crucial time in their (and your) lives.

Research concluding that separating or not should be an individual decision is based on solid evidence, and more headteachers should get up to speed. I taught in a school (secondary)with a greater than average number of twins and it was a blanket policy to separate them. Most were ok but I remember one pair who definitely weren't and didn't flourish as much as I thought they should. They told me they'd wanted to be together and I really think they should have been.

Other children have to go to class alone, its no different
It is. Singleton children will have already experienced doing something on their own, going to nursery, swimming lessons, even going to the park. In the most part, twins won’t have done anything like this on their own.

No. Not when there's a year between them they haven't. My two did everything together. My eldest has zero recollection of life before DC2 arrived.

Of course your 5 yo has been without your 4yo. For a whole year! That's how it's different.

Yes, because all children remember the first 12 months of their life - not.

well I don't have twins but all twins at my DD's school are in the same class as it's a one form entry, also higher in the school there are composite classes so a few non twin siblings that have age gap of less than 2 years are in the same class too sometimes it's a problem mostly not,
there are one pair of brothers about 18 months apart and it is difficult as the older winds up the younger at every opportunity and the class teacher needs to keep them at diagonally opposite end of room
but apart from that the rest seem to do just fine, because it is a small school of under a 100 everyone knows everyone from P1-P7

in many schools separating twins would actually not be an option

if my kid couldn't cope with not being in the same room as a sibling, we would be in family therapy and I would be racking my brains about where I went wrong. It's NOT normal and it doesn't have to be that way.

My DT1 was paralysed with misery when separated from her sister for the first time at kindergarten, colditz

We asked the staff to give her extra support, they did, and within a month she was fine. There's no need to be quite such a drama llama.

Op - you haven't done anything wrong, you shouldn't feel bad about worrying about them too much. We've all been there. Some crazy loon I know me parked over the road from the school and sat in the car for 3 hours on their first Stay and play session at school. mind you this was a step forward from being asked to leave during the nursery settling in session

When do you have the settling in days? Talk to the teachers then, tell them about what you're worried about, it won't be the first time they've come across twins, there's always at least one set per year group. When mine started the teachers were aware of it and promised that they would be able to play together or sit together if they wanted to.

On a practical note, if they are doing half days for the first few weeks, they may be able to accommodate them having the same sessions so that you aren't back and forward all day.

Also keep all conversations about school light and cheerful, like it's the most exciting thing in the whole world.

Op I think the key thing you should have learnt is not to assume and to talk to school about issues. I once assumed that a class teacher had taken on board and passed on information about a trauma in my son's life, later discovering she had done nothing about it and no-one else knew.
If you need people at school to know information you need to tell them. And ideally back up verbal communication in writing.
I had to tell a head every year for 4 years why my DD couldn't be in a certain teacher's class, which he accepted and wrote down each time, but the one time I assumed she nearly ended up in that teacher's class.

Three sets of twins in dd2's yr1 year. Two sets are together and one is split. It makes zero difference to any of them. They all play separately and together when the mood takes them. It should be up to the parents.

“Yes, because all children remember the first 12 months of their life - not.”

You don’t have to remember for imprinting to happen. You don’t have to remember the attachment that was broken to suffer attachment disorder.

For all those saying splitting is best practice - it is not. The current research says there is little difference if you split twins or not (obviously at a cohort rather than individual level). Also rather than foisting independence it can actually set cmsone twins back. TAMBA advise that the decision to split or not split should be taken at an individual level in consultation with parents and nursery teachers as while splitting is good for some sets it isn't for others. See their guidance here www.tamba.org.uk/Parenting/Primary/Separation. We decided after talking to school and nursery to keep ours together and that has been good for them.