To expect my twins to be kept together

[Blazingspeed]

Due to start reception in September. School has put them in separate classes without consulting me.
What do I do now? They won’t do well without each other, especially just starting out

They haven’t even met the twins... how can they make a decision that’s in their best interests when they’ve not even spoken to them?

Nonsense. Why do people think twins are special over other children. Schools don't speak to all children before they join, unless in selective private schools.

@SandyY2K twins are special. There is literally no bond like it in humans. They are an incredible phenomenon. My ID boys are different in many many ways but they are also so close and always have been. They will never have a bond like that with another person - even a life partner. You don't rip that apart without some consideration as to when is best for those two actual people to gain independence.

I can't bear all this rubbish about 'it will be harder when they're older' as if we need to expedite everyone's progress through child hood as soon as possible because they will 'have to do it when they're older'.

I can't stand the - all twins have a special lifetime bond. Some twins do some don't. Some twins end up having nothing to do with each other as adults. All twins are different.

Schools do speak to all kids and their parents before they start. Many do home visits too.

Just speak to the teacher, I didn't want DC4 following DC3 all through the school so I asked for him to be in the opposite classes.
One of the Mums has just requested her DD be moved when the kids move up to juniors next year as she is constantly falling out with a couple of girls in the class.
Another parent has moved their son as his step sibling has just moved schools and they are in the same class.
People switch classes all the time, and for what it's worth when DD started school there was two sets of twins and a set of triplets in her class, none of them seemed to struggle as individuals.

Twins differ. Mine are like chalk and cheese,no closer than with their other sibling. Others can be incredibly close. My sister's are. There is no one size fits all. School environment and twins can vary hugely which is why current advice is to take each case separately and yes that will involve some being kept together. Not really hurting anybody least of all the twins themselves as research shows.

A friend in secondary school was a twin. I have never known two sisters to hate each other so much. They literally hardly spoke to each other unless they could not avoid it. So I know all this - twins have a special close lifetime bind is not always true. Great if they do, but it is wrong to assume twins will be any different from other siblings that get along or don't get along together.

I have 4 DC, never had a home visit, I have two SIL's who are teachers and they don't do home visits at their schools either.

I thi k it's hard to know if the bond between twins is created or inbuilt. Most of the twins I know are no different to any other siblings, my twin cousins haven't spoken for 10 years.

Maybe I missed something, but when I read the guidance posted earlier about twins in schools the evidence didn’t seem to quite match what the author of the document seemed to think. The report says there is no conclusive evidence either way about the effects of splitting twins, but then goes on to say ‘there is no evidence to suggest that splitting them is best’ when going by their previous statement there’s also no evidence to suggest keeping them together is best.

It seemed a bit biased, though I can’t say more without reading the actual evidence and research papers themselves. I’d just say be careful not to take anything at face value just because a group says something is the case, think critically.

My identical twin girls were together in the first year of kindergarten (2-3), then split at age three for next 3 years, now back together at primary (started age 6 going on 7) for organisational reasons.

The split at kindergarten was hard for them at first, but ultimately very positive for their personal development. One of them used to act as the "social secretary" for both, but in separate groups (albeit with regular interaction throughout the day) her sister learnt to forge social contacts by herself.

However, having said that they are very happy together in the same class at primary, and both are thriving socially and academically. They tend to have largely the same friends, but then that applies equally to other close-in-age siblings we know. For some reason the combination of DT and an only-child friend of either sex seems to work exceptionally well.

Now 8, they both dislike the suggestion of separate bedrooms, classes or out-of-school activities. On the other hand, they will happily do their own thing at home or join in with different groups of children at school or in other social situations. They separate when they want to - we do not impose it on them. They are both pretty self-sufficient characters, in many cases more so than their peers.

IMO there is no such thing as one size fits all for twins, just as there isn't for other children. I defy anyone to say identical twins don't have a unique and special bond though. They absolutely do.

OP, I really think you'd be better just talking to the school. I get that you wish you'd been consulted first, but there's still plenty of time for things to be changed between now and September. Talk to the school, explain your concerns, listen to their reasoning, be willing to compromise. For example, you could agree to try having them in different classes for the stay and play sessions and see how that goes.

I have twins and thought that one would be better off if they separated but the other would be better off if they stayed together (because she got anxious away from her sister). I spoke with the school, their preference was to separate but their policy was to go with the parents' preference (if one was expressed). In the end, we separated them and I was surprised that not only did they both flourish, the one I thought would have a harder time of it flourished the most. Without her sister there to automatically turn to she started to look for other things instead and suddenly she was having a far more "normal" experience of being a 4 year old. It was eye-opening.

My twins start in September, the choice was mine and I requested them to be together.
Can you speak to the school and requestvtheyre put together?

@Blazingspeed

twins are special. They have a bond that is incomparable to anything else.

Twins are special. But I'll tell you what. I have twins in one room and DS1 and his bestie in another.
DS1 and BFF would be way, way more devastated if they were in separate classes than the twins!

I think the main thing from this thread is talk to the teacher. You are 100% not BU to want them in the same class (as I've said upthread mine are together I think that's best for them), but YABU to expect the school to predict what you want without speaking to them.

I also have a feeling that home visits are social class related. We live in what's known as a deprived area and had home visits. Friends in a more MC area did not. I think they are looking at home conditions and signs of deprivation, neglect and abuse: whatever they say it's for. So don't worry if you haven't had one!

but do phone the school to arrange a visit and a chat. If they are not amenable choose another school!

I have tried both with my pair and on balance think that separate class rooms are best. They get to experience being an individual a bit more and they have lots to talk to the other twin about when they come out of class, it helps to reduce competion as well.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I have read each post and I appreciate the differing opinions. Maybe I am being abit overly cautious... maybe not, I don’t know. I just want what’s best for them.
I did phone the school today but didn’t get a call back so I shall definitely speak them tomorrow.

Sorry to hear this. If you're adamant that you want them together then I'd dig out a white paper that exists that says twins do better in school until the age of 7 where upon the thought is they do better apart.

Sorry I don't know the name of the paper or the author to reference but TAMBA may be able to help you

Google “Littermate Syndrome”.

Our school has always given us the choice and I've also followed their lead. So far no issues with them being together.

FFS twins aren't dogs!!

All but one set of twins I've taught were separate unless it was a coincidence on timetabling where they ended up in my subject together but apart elsewhere.

The pair taught together throughout had an unhealthy amount of codependency right through to y11. I was stunned a secondary school kept them together in so many classes. Same classes, same sports, same music lessons, same friends, same enrichment.
I have to admit, thr codependency does seem to be a nurtured thing that's promoted by parents who go on endlessly about how their two children are twins and so so so so much different to any other sibling or twin bond out there.

Oh come on Flying, that’s not what the poster is saying.

Twins aren’t dogs, that’s pretty obvious to anyone but dogs and humans are both animals, mammals, with a lot of similarity in some areas. I’m not sure if littermate syndrome applies to humans or not but you know calling twins dogs wasn’t the poster’s point. You seem very angry on this thread!

Just saying your kid calms his twin is a big worry. It is not their job to that, the poor kid

That is very dramatic. I had my children close in age. One of mine who couldn't speak clearly for many years was a very frustrated little boy. His older brother had an amazing bond with him and he often calmed him down when he was getting agitated. I never asked him to, he never had any tricks up his sleeve, it just worked out that way. He was not a poor kid and at aged 19 and 17 now nothing bad has come of them being able to comfort each other well as siblings.

I am of the thought that separating twins at school at the age of 4 when they want to be together could lead to insecurities and less confidence in the long run. I am sure when they are older they will naturally want to spend more time apart, I see no reason to force that to happen at aged 4.