To expect my twins to be kept together

[Blazingspeed]

Due to start reception in September. School has put them in separate classes without consulting me.
What do I do now? They won’t do well without each other, especially just starting out

[crunchymint]

Norbert It is about them having the opportunity.

[NoughtDegreesNought]

They need their individuality expressed.

That sounds unnecessarily dogmatic and in fact downright scary to me. There is a world of difference between extreme, unhealthy (and, let's be honest, very rare) co-dependency and happily making the most of being "the same but different", which is where I feel my own DT are at now.

[DianaPrincessOfThemyscira]

It really doesn’t help using emotive language like they ‘wouldn’t cope’ and ‘distraught’.

Like I said upthread my identical twins were together in infants. To expand, they were two in a class of ten so very hard to do their own thing. They did well, but I love how they have flourished in separate classes in a different school. Their teachers have formed opinions of them like they do of any other child without comparing them (even as a parent it’s hard not to do this) and they have varying interests and friends with some crossover.

TAMBA did a lot about this a few years ago, I remember talking to them about it. The school doesn’t have the last say, you do.

But I would hesitate to keep them together because despite you feeling the co-dependency isn’t what is happening, if you feel one would struggle without the other then it is co-dependent.

Speak to the head. You’ll have a parents evening in the first term where you can reassess then. Make the head aware you’re prepared to go along with their recommendations on splitting but want assurances about what could happen if it doesn’t work out.

[Mobydick100]

Hi. Contact tamba. If necessary, they can advocate on your behalf. Schools are not supposed to have a blanket 'twins go in different classes' policy.

[TaighNamGastaOrt]

You should speak to the school and let them know your wishes. I'm an identical twin who started school with 5 other sets of twins. Of those, we were the only 'pair' who were seperated in primary.
Mum did it because she wanted us to be independent of each other and have our own friends, but she did face a backlash from the other twins parents for being so cruel as to seperate us.
You know what, she did us a favour! we grew up as two individuals as opposed to 'the girls' or 'the twins'. We learned to not depend on each other for everything and to be ourselves.
End of the day, its your choice OP, if you want your twins kept together, speak to the school.

[NoughtDegreesNought]

Make the head aware you’re prepared to go along with their recommendations on splitting but want assurances about what could happen if it doesn’t work out.

Yes, this is exactly what worked for us.

[Blazingspeed]

colditz, that’s really unfair and actually quite hurtful.
My family do not need therapy. We have a very happy home. They’re just a couple of boys that have a bond even I can’t understand.

But thanks for your spiteful comment 👍 hope it made you feel high and mighty.

[BlueSapp]

Gosh, being a twin is such a special relationship, why on earth does everyone what to try and change them?

[Dixhuitagain]

I haven't read the full thread so hopefully this remark hasn't already been made but surely when children go to school they are separated from their primary attachment figure, generally their mother.

If it's fair to say that a twin's primary attachment figure is their sibling then surely separating them is ensuring they have the same experience as all other children?

[JamieVardysHavingAParty]

dixhuitagain

Their primary attachment is their primary caregiver. However, twins have an additional strong attachment, in the form of their twin, and for some children, being separated from their primary carer and^ their twin on their first day at school is too much to handle at once.

[Blazingspeed]

Thank you JamieVardy, I was racking my brains trying to find the words to explain it.

[NoughtDegreesNought]

Have you managed to speak to anyone at the school yet, OP?

[Blazingspeed]

I have, they were quite understanding about my concerns. We’re going to have a meeting on Monday and discuss it further.

[BrownTurkey]

What about asking the opinion of their nursery room leader? This would be a useful part of the transition for the school.

[SofiaAmes]

Nothing wrong with family therapy. In fact, my dd is a happy well adjusted 15 year old partly because I recognized her high anxiety when she was very very young and brought her for therapy and helped her with tools to cope so that when she reached her teenage years she had a full arsenal.
I find the British attitude to mental health so unprogressive and unhelpful.

[NoughtDegreesNought]

I have, they were quite understanding about my concerns. We’re going to have a meeting on Monday and discuss it further.

Excellent, glad they are open to discussion. Hope it goes well.

[Bekabeech]

I'm glad you talked to school - just remember for future. Because even stuff you would assume should be passed on might not be or might be passed on far later than you would expect.

But I do also think Family Therapy can be great if you need it - but a bit painful unless necessary - not sure its necessary or that useful for 4 year olds though. Play therapy might be more appropriate if they have problems.

[JamieVardysHavingAParty]

I think therapy for a four year old who is more anxious about being separated than his brother is would risk pathologising normal development.

What next? Therapy for the child who likes to bring her blankie to tumble tots for the first few weeks? Therapy for children who think there is a monster under the bed?

[AtreidesFreeWoman]

Good news about the meeting OP.

Hope all goes well.

[Dauphinois]

Good luck at the meeting op. A decent school will take your views on board.

My twins are in Y2 now and I am starting to wish I could separate them ( one form entry so no choice but to be together)

One is more academically able than the other and is very aware that she 'isn't clever like Twin 1'. ( her words not mine). It's sad that she's aware of this already and in a bigger school she probably wouldn't be as aware of it.

When they started preschool they did rely on each other quite a lot but by Reception they were rarely together - I work at the school, though not directly with them, so I get to see little snapshots of what they're up to. They have their own friends and though they do play together occasionally as part of a larger group, they certainly don't need each other.

[Loulabelle25]

I haven’t read the full thread, so am probably echoing the comments from others.

Splitting twins is very common. I worked in a school where the policy was to split twins and it worked very well. It allowed the chn to forge their own path independent of their sibling. Schools are very social places and chn in parallel classes will often do shared activities and the chn will see each other at playtimes. Most reception settings I know have plenty of free flow between classes too. In my current school, which is smaller, we are unable to split twins which can cause issues. One set in school with us now (KS2) are particularly codependent and they would certainly benefit from spending part of the day away from each other to encourage better socialisation with other children. Speak to the school about your concerns.