To question my bf re being uninvited to an event?

[bluedabadeedabadoo]

So I've been with my bf for a year. I'm quite insecure and he is quite closed and doesn't give much away in terms of how he feels/ what he wants so sometimes I find this hard. He also still keeps me distant from the rest f his life too. Tonight I text him explaining hat I feel like I'm kept at arms length and wanted to check that we are still on the same hym sheet in terms of goals within the relationship. He asked why I felt like I did but did say that he still feel the same in terms of wanting to be with me as a long term relationship. I didn't go into details as to why I feel like I do because it's partly my issues that I need to deal with. One things though is that a few months ago he invited me to a friends party which is next month. I mentioned it yesterday and he now doesn't think I should go. His reasons is that it will be quite disjointed and not a great way to meet his friends for the first time. This upset me. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way and to mention this?

Let's not be hard on OP, she is taking in everything we say but it is hard to hear especially when you are in this situation.

I have come out of a 5 month thing just like this so had to comment. I was kept at arms length, not introduced to friends or family, cancelled on etc. However when I would bring things up I would be thrown scraps like 'My parents know about you' or 'I talk about you to my brother all the time.'

Long story short, he continued to keep me at arms length and sadly the truth of the matter was - he didn't want me as a girlfriend. By girlfriend I mean someone you introduce to family and friends. Someone you take out and publicly tell others you are seeing. Someone you mesh your life with.

I could still be with him now, I absolutely adored that man. But I know he would have never given me what I wanted because he was not ready to/didn't want to. :(

I'm not going to be harsh as I think you have had your fair share of comments here about that. What I would say is, that you have made yourself aware of the reality of the situation. The reality is - actions speak louder than words and his actions are not enough right now. Whether you communicate in person or via text, you need to explain to him that for you to continue seeing him you want to be INVOLVED in his life COMPLETELY. That includes being invited to his birthday - I mean, in all honesty that is a HUGE red flag that you weren't a part of that. You are a smart woman and you know this too.

It's hard to see when you really like someone. It's easy to lap up the words they say. Trust me, whenever I had doubts I would hear all the things I had been wanting to, just to keep me around.

Basically, changes need to happen or you have to walk. You are otherwise wasting your life with an emotionally unavailable guy, and you will continue to be a secret. Is that what you want? Clearly not, or you wouldn't be here.

You are not insecure, and you are totally right for feeling the way you do. Any woman or person would. So don't question if it's you being a bit OTT. You are in the right to want to be a part of his life after a year. I think you need to start thinking about what qualities you want from a relationship and then tell him that. If he can't give you what you want, you MUST be prepared to walk.

Big hugs xxx

Look - none of us know whether he has another relationship or you're just a fuck buddy. But the fact is that you're getting scraps. And after a year, not being invited to his 40th means you're not his girlfriend. I don't know how old you are but is this all you want?

Where do you see yourself in five years? You have kid(s) so are you happy to raise him/them alone or are you looking to share your life with someone? Because if that's what you want, this is not the man for you. You're too old for this shit. Neither of you are teenagers so start acting like an adult. If this is what you're happy with, then fine. If it isn't, do something about it. All this handwringing is getting you nowhere. And meanwhile the clock of your best years is ticking away.

Oh and just to say, when my guy had told me he had spoken about me to family and friends. When we split I matched with his brother on Tinder. His brother then started coming onto me, so I explained how I had dated his brother - as he had told me his brother knew of us being together. However the truth was, his brother had no clue. Had never heard of me! Had no idea his brother had been dating anyone the last 5 months.

So words don't mean much. Actions do. If you aren't being introduced, you are a secret. Regardless of he's with anyone else, he clearly doesn't want to involve you in his life. You need to find out why.

Thanks meow that was really helpful. That sounds very similar to my situation. How did it eventually come to heads for you? The frustrating thing here is that we split up after 6 months initially (a year ago)because he wasn't ready for commitment, but then he made contact with me wanting to her back together stating he was ready. This was 7 months ago. This is what makes me think that he likes the idea of commitment but can't commit to the reality of it.

Not necessarily. It could be that he wasn't able to get a shag, or didn't want to have to bother with the effort of wooing someone else to shag.

With you, he's got it easy, he doesn't have to worry about the hassle of dating, but still gets company and sex.

Why does he need to be committed when he gets everything he wants anyway?

I suggest if you finally dump him (which you should) you should block him so he can't contact you again and draw you back in with sweet words.

OP, I think you should go to that BBQ. Just tell him, if he is serious about this being a long term thing, then the party is a good opportunity to meet people and you are ready for it (even if that's not exactly true).
It will always be daunting to meet them and, no doubt, the first hour will make you feel very awkward but then you will most likely start to talk to a friendly face and be ok. Also, with a lot of people there the focus won't just be on you.

Besides, if it continues like this could you imagine how awkward it would be to sit with a few select friends or family one day for the first time and they go: "So how long have you been seeing each other".
"Oh, about 5 years this August."...

A year is long enough to be established and meet everyone, even if you then just slink back into obscurity, however, I have a feeling he will manipulate you into not going and making it seem your ideas.

OP,

He is leading you on.
He is keeping you on the hook until he gets a replacement.

Sorry. I know its hard to hear and even harder to face up to but you need to open your eyes and stop justifying this truly crap behaviour of his.

"So how long have you been seeing each other". "Oh, about 5 years this August."...

Yeah, agree, even saying a year would be weird as none of them know about her.

However, I think it's moot. He's not going to have her there, whichever way we cut it. It's that simple.

He's just not in love with you. If he was he would be so proud to introduce you to everyone. End of.

If you stay with him, in 5 years' time you'll wish you'd dumped him right now. And conversely, if you dump him now, in 5 years' time you'll be thinking, 'why did I put up with that man for so long?'