To question my bf re being uninvited to an event?

[bluedabadeedabadoo]

So I've been with my bf for a year. I'm quite insecure and he is quite closed and doesn't give much away in terms of how he feels/ what he wants so sometimes I find this hard. He also still keeps me distant from the rest f his life too. Tonight I text him explaining hat I feel like I'm kept at arms length and wanted to check that we are still on the same hym sheet in terms of goals within the relationship. He asked why I felt like I did but did say that he still feel the same in terms of wanting to be with me as a long term relationship. I didn't go into details as to why I feel like I do because it's partly my issues that I need to deal with. One things though is that a few months ago he invited me to a friends party which is next month. I mentioned it yesterday and he now doesn't think I should go. His reasons is that it will be quite disjointed and not a great way to meet his friends for the first time. This upset me. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way and to mention this?

Oh Blue whether he is or isnt seeing someone else, he isnt treating you in the way you wish & deserve so I really think, in the nicest possible way, it is time for you to call it a day.
Get his birthday out the way. Then really start making time for YOU.
Honestly, all this insecurity is probably down to him dangling you on a string.
You are 33. Plenty of time ahead.
Move on. You can do so much better. I promise you xx

I have read all your posts/updates OP and I have to point something out to you.... How do you know he doesn't see his friends much, isn't seeing anyone else etc etc.
Really really think about it. Is the ONLY way you know that because of everything he has told you?
It can't be because you know any of his friends/family so you've seen with your own eyes.
Do you actually go out together when you meet up? Do you go to his house or does he always come to yours?
Have you ever been to his house? Stayed over? Does he hide his phone/have it on silent/ignore calls when he is with you?
You are basing all your knowledge of him on what he has allowed you to see/told you/behaved like around you.

I am sorry but I really believe that this guy is telling you what you want to hear to keep you happy. He's realised that not spending time with you on his birthday is coming across odd so he fixes it with telling you what you want to hear... He'll spend time with them and then you. I'm guessing he'll cancel you at the last minute and have an excuse all ready like "mum n dad bought champagne so I couldn't drive" or "the kids did a surprise party for me and I couldn't get away"!
I 99% feel you are the other woman and he has played you.
Start putting the shoe on the other foot....
Come out with " ooh I was over your way today and nearly called in " or "I'm over your way tomorrow, how about meeting for coffee". If you don't drive say you were with a friend or relative! Watch his reaction!
Start finding things out for yourself rather than going by what he is telling you x

If I'm wrong and you've been over to his place and out on dates over his way too etc etc then I will be the first to put my hands up and say I was wrong. I hope I am for your sake but I fear I'm not wrong and you're going to either carry on like this and get totally crushed or you're going to start taking charge of your life and seeking out the truth for yourself and live happily ever after with him after giving him a few pushes in the right direction to sort whatever the issue is with him secluding you from his life at the moment.
Good luck x

he's also rung me after work and even spoken about me coming to a bbq at his house soon and how he wants me to spend a bit more time there and with his kids. It's things like this that make me question my feelings as if he was stringing me along why would he suggest this?

To keep you quiet.

Not to be rude but aren't you both a bit old to be casually dating like that for this long? I'm sorry but you're not a couple. If you were, on his 40th you would have the night off work and you'd be having a meal with his family and your kid.

He'll spend time with them and then you. I'm guessing he'll cancel you at the last minute and have an excuse all ready like "mum n dad bought champagne so I couldn't drive" or "the kids did a surprise party for me and I couldn't get away"!

And even if he doesn't come up with some last-minute excuse, he's still completely compartmentalising you - which is odd. It's not normal.

Something is amiss, and you know it.

I'm sorry but I think you know this isn't about your insecurity, not even slightly. You're involved with a man who keeps you a a secret. He won't even tell his parents, never mind his friends or his kids. You're not meeting them as Partner. He even says on social media he's single.

He's 40 years old. Not a teenager. He's been separated for years.

His parents are spending his birthday with him as they think he will be alone.

The truth is he's not committed to a relationship with you. His actions prove it. I guess he's getting laid and that's all what he wants out of it, but doesn't want you involved in his life in any way shape nor formal his partner..

The longer you allow yourself to be treated like this by him, the worse you're going to feel about yourself.

Tell him that when he's ready to have a relationship to call you. But you. Can't continue with a man who denies your existence and continues to deny it after a year together.

Then walk away and if he comes back and decides to be open, all good. If not, then you have your answer, he never wanted a committed relationship with you. Tryto accept that's about him not you.

Out of curiousity. How often do you see him exactly? His behaviour is totally abnormal, so I also Suspect there's more going on in his life than he's telling you.

Social events/parties should not be complete for him without you there.
Most couples are just that - couples. Going to events together is natural.
The purpose of going somewhere is not to introduce you it is to spend time with you at the event.
Enjoying it together, having shared memories, joking between the pair of you about so and so in the awful dress and isn't the food naff etc etc.
You really are misunderstanding a major part of the phrase "couple".

The purpose of going somewhere is not to introduce you it is to spend time with you at the event

This, it's totally normal to go to events together. To enjoy them together. It's totally abnormal to exclude your partner from them. To not want them to spend time with your parents when they come over. To want no one to know about you.

It's totally and utterly abnormal to swerve all and any opportunities to spend time together in the company of others as an adult. To pretend you don't exist.

I can't believe you thought it was you. That you were being insecure. It's not. At all. His behaviour towards you is abnormal in the extreme. And to keep you dangling by promising things in the future is horrible and deceitful. If he meant it, he would invite you now.

The question is why he wants to keep you a secret from everyone in his life. I really think there is more there than you know. This isn't about you. It's not you that's causing it. Something in his life is causing him to want to keep you a secret. The best guess is clearly another woman.

OP, you sound so nice, and you are wanting to think the best of this man. But...he does not seem like he is interested in being more than friends with benefits. You should be celebrating his birthday with him after dating all this time. Good luck.

Thanks everyone. I know that something isn't right here. I have however been to his house on many occasions, we go out frequently including in his local towns and he also tags me on social media and posts pics of me. I've also met his kids. I knew there's no way he would cancel the plans on his birthday and he didn't. He came later on as agreed. Oh and for the people who asked he isn't secretive with his phone and doesn't swerve calls etc when we are together. We see each other as much as we can around work and kids. Usually 2-3 times per week.

You seem to be backtracking a little op. Earlier you said he wanted you to start spending more time at his house, would invite you to a bbq there, indicating you didn't spend much time there, and that on social media you only occasionally posted pics and tagged each other. You also didn't meet his kids as a partner and you've not met any of his friends or other family. He has also now told you he doesn't want you to come to his friends party.

That's "he's not ready for a relationship" that's something else entirely.

We are just strangers on the internet trying to help you think it through. You may as well lay your thoughts out here. You are anonymous. Deciding to not confront it is fine if this is what you want.

When you see him 2-3 times a week, when is it? Is it weekends? What time if day? What do you typically do? Does he typically stay at yours and not you at his?

Yes he did say that he wants me to come round to the house more, meaning when the kids are there but I have been many a times when they aren't there. Neither of us are massive social media users but do tag each other at times and post pics of us together etc.
When we see each other the activity varies. If it's an evening when my sons in bed it's my house, if it's the weekend when I have my son it's my house but if I don't have my son I often go to his. We frequently go to pubs, town, days out and occasional trips away. He's never tried to keep me away from his house or the area he lives.
I do appreciate the advice that people are giving me so thankyou for this.

he's also rung me after work and even spoken about me coming to a bbq at his house soon and how he wants me to spend a bit more time there and with his kids.

Isn't this where we came in? - from the opening post "a few months ago he invited me to a friends party which is next month. I mentioned it yesterday and he now doesn't think I should go."
What are the odds that the BBQ invitation gets cancelled, too.

OP - sorry your going though this. My nanny is in a very similar situation - she knows hes leading her on until he finds someone else - but she cant let him go becasue he apparently has 'good points'. She is also his free childcare, runs the admin of his business and looks after anything he cant be bothered doing. She just cant be without him and wont leave him - even though everyone tells her he is bad news. Keeps her a secret from his friends too - theyve been together about 5 years. Its insane how loyal she is to him, even though eveyone knows he cheats on her constantly.

I fear you are in the same boat. I wont tell you to leave him because you wont - i will wish you good luck though.

No I don't think that will but I think it would be just me him and the kids and not his family. He has struck to arrangements made with the kids before. Because when he sees his family he always has the kids with him I was thinking that developing the relationship with the kids probably needs to come first which is why I haven't pushed it.

I had a bf like this many years ago. Looking back, I was an idiot to indulge this. Hard to know at the time that this is not a relationship you need. But it doesn't sound like it is.

I get why you're wanting to defend this, because it hurts, but this man won't even let you meet his friends.

He's lying to every single person he knows and tells them he's single and not in a relationship. I don't know any man who won't even tell his friends and won't bring his girlfriend of a year to a party with him. He's been separated for several years.

It's totally not normal and clearly not about his kids at this stage. And if he sees you a couple of times a week, it's not about not being ready for a relationship either. It's about something else. Something he's not telling you.

OP, so sorry you're going through this.

You can try to guess what's going on for him but I think the bottom line here is that YOU'RE not happy.

YOUR needs are not being met.

The relationship is not what YOU want.

YOU are not happy.

Please stop trying to read between the lines of what you're guessing might be going on for him. Listen to YOUR feelings!!

(I wouldn't waste another year of your precious life on this relationship.)

I think you should straight out ask him why he doesn't want you to meet his friends or family.

His 40th birthday would've been a perfect opportunity to meet them at his house, with his kids there. His friends party is also a perfect opportunity to meet them. What kind of other opportunity is he waiting for?

I think you could also ask him what he means when he says he wants a long-term relationship and see if it matches your definition. It might mean just more of the same - would you be happy with that?

Yes I do intend to suggest meeting his parents. In someways I'd have liked an invite to his birthday celebration with his parents and kids but in another way I don't know the kids that well yet so probably not appropriate. He has about a 6 week period at work coming with extremely long hours and hardly any time off (same every year at this time) so i bet that will be the next excuse as to why there's not likely to be any opportunities. He has a joint birthday event next Friday I could insist on going to but on the other hand I'd feel extremely overwhelmed and out of depth with all his family, parents and kids there all at the same time.

I've spoke before about what he sees a relationship looking like and he has said ultimately living together but I'm wondering if that's what he thinks he wants but the reality is different.

I could insist on going to but on the other hand I'd feel extremely overwhelmed and out of depth with all his family, parents and kids there all at the same time.

Why? This is such an odd, over-the-top reaction.

You only feel like this because:

• it's never happened
• he doesn't want it to happen
• it's now been massively built up into something
• you know you're not wanted there by him

The only person you're rationalising this whole thing away to is yourself.

If you're OK with the status quo, that's OK. You're the one who has to accept it and live with it. But why start the thread?

I would be suspicious of that. Could it be that he's done something and doesn't want you to meet his friends incase you find out? I really don't want to upset you but I think you should seriously consider leaving him. If you're insecure then this sort of behaviour from him is only going to make it worse.

I'd feel extremely overwhelmed and out of depth with all his family, parents and kids there all at the same time

Do you suffer from social anxiety generally or has this now become such a big thing in your relationship that you'd shit yourself at the thought of it? You are not a child, so shouldn't be totally overwhelmed by meeeting your partners family when you're in your 30s unless there are other mental health issues?

And yes, as said, I'm suspicious too about this whole thing.

No I don't have social anxiety. It's the thought of meeting lots of new people all at the same time when I don't know anyone else. I don't have a problem with meetings a few at a time but would rather not meet for example his parents, both sisters, partners, nephews and nieces (as they will all be there) as well as the kids who I also don't know well.

I suppose if I had an invite and knew he was comfortable with it I'd probably feel better about it so I guess i feel uncomfortable as I don't think he's comfortable with it.