To question my bf re being uninvited to an event?

[bluedabadeedabadoo]

So I've been with my bf for a year. I'm quite insecure and he is quite closed and doesn't give much away in terms of how he feels/ what he wants so sometimes I find this hard. He also still keeps me distant from the rest f his life too. Tonight I text him explaining hat I feel like I'm kept at arms length and wanted to check that we are still on the same hym sheet in terms of goals within the relationship. He asked why I felt like I did but did say that he still feel the same in terms of wanting to be with me as a long term relationship. I didn't go into details as to why I feel like I do because it's partly my issues that I need to deal with. One things though is that a few months ago he invited me to a friends party which is next month. I mentioned it yesterday and he now doesn't think I should go. His reasons is that it will be quite disjointed and not a great way to meet his friends for the first time. This upset me. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way and to mention this?

He really has no intention of your relationship become a real one has he?
You need a reality check op.
Re read all the messages up here.

You are wasting your life..

Mrsclutterworth he has mentioned a few times having a bit of a past but won't tell me what. I remember him saying he was worried about me meeting his friends and finding out things. I don't know what... I know there was a bit of drug use in his adolescence but nothing for about twenty years!! Maybe that's what it is? I'd forgotten about that but it's something he does mention quite frequently when we have had a drink.

Love, if he was that into you he'd be desperate for you to meet his family and friends - he'd be wanting to show you off! But he isn't....

You're clutching at straws. You're a shag. That's all. He didn't invite you to his 40th birthday party!!

I mean, unless he puts a banner up saying that you're a fuck buddy, I don't know what other signs you're looking for.

Sorry that's unkind but you're still making excuses for his deplorable behaviour. Stop it. You deserve a lot more. And so do your kids.

I suppose if I had an invite and knew he was comfortable with it I'd probably feel better about it so I guess i feel uncomfortable as I don't think he's comfortable with it

Yeah I get that, if the only person you know doesn't really want you there, it's never going to be something you look forward to. I also wouldn't insist he invites me either, who wants to be the unwanted guest.

But I would end it and tell him to call me when he's ready to go public and not hide me, so I guess I've a different tolerance level for shit like this.

At 40 pretty much everyone has a past!

No I'd never insist. That's just not me lol. I chose the wrong word. I suppose I meant that I'd suggest I came but not insist x

I came so close to deciding to call it a day last Wednesday after the issue with making other plans on the day of and couple of days before his birthday. But then it seems that I interpreted it wrong and nothing ended up even changing to what had already been planned. He then rung me and spoke about wanting to have me around more and spending more time with the kids. Talk about mind games. I then started to doubt my worries as he did appear to want to move things forward. My heads in such a mess!! I need to get the weekend out of the way then try and address these issues although we won't see each other that much for the next few weeks because of his increased work pattern.

He has about a 6 week period at work coming with extremely long hours and hardly any time off (same every year at this time)

That's quite a coincidence, especially if it's every year. Would any part of that 6 weeks coincide with the kids' summer holiday by any chance?

You mentioned that you "don't know the kids that well" and it doesn't sound as if he has any intention of changing that either

Anyone else wondering what his job is that doesn't allow time to commit to a relationship??

This isn’t a real relationship. I know that’s hard to hear but if this was real you would had already met his family & friends and be an active part of his life. It’s also shitty behaviour to uninvite you to a party!
It doesn’t sound like the two of you are actually compatible at all.
End it. You’ve wasted a year on this already and your not a real part of his life. This won’t get better.
Stand on your own two feet, work through your own insecurities. When the time is right you’ll find a real and equal relationship where you don’t have to hide how you feel or question it in this way.

The period starts next week I think and ends mid August before he then has two weeks off. Before anyone suggests he's lying about it he isn't. I've seen Rotas, seen text messages to the ex organising contact around it, been present when discussing it with colleagues, he's always been open about this period since we initially got together in December 2016. He works in a place that functions 24 hours and it's a 4 weeks shift rota (1 weeks off) with no holidays apart from 2 weeks in summer so the extra working hours is to cover summer leave.

Your wasting your time OP
Stop justifying his shitty behaviour
He’s a grown man but he’s acting like a teenager - keeping you at a distance, making you feel like your over thinking things. Then he uninvited you to a party which is essentially him telling you he doesn’t want you there.
Please, see this for what it is.

He hasn’t bothered to introduce you to the family/friends
He doesn’t want you at the party
He goes AWOL for the entire summer

......

Whatever. You find excuses. Even if things work out (doubtful but let’s say they do), you’d be walking on eggshells and be thankful for having some attention from him. He’s been mindfuvking you for do long, you’d find it normal. The relationship is not on equal footing and it will never be.
But please, go on and waste your life.

I call this relationship regular fuckbuddy. You meet regularly for a shag. Maybe a bit of friendship feelings but not-a-chance-in-hell for anything more.

I'm not justifying his behaviour.... I'm simply saying that he works long hours in the summer and I know 100% that that is true. Just because people want to believe that he's making it up when he isn't, doesn't mean that I'm justifying his behaviour!! I am not as I know there are issues hence the thread but I'm still not going to agree that things are happening that aren't. Not to say that we wouldn't be seeing each other at all as we would, but not the usual pattern due to extended working hours. There is a weekend we both have off and have no kids so had intended to spend that weekend together.

I'm willing to accept that he may not see a future, may be ashamed of me, not want me to be part of his life, only see me as a casual thing as these are all possibilities but I'm not willing to accept that he's seeing anyone else or that he's making up his shift pattern when I know that isn't the case. This doesn't mean I'm justifying his behaviours. I obviously don't want to believe any of the above and it's hard when words tell you otherwise. It's like I really want to find the path between what he says he wants and the reality of it because currently it's not in sight.

You've come onto AIBU asking for advice about a man who is displaying seriously shifty behaviour (who doesn't invite somebody they've been seeing for a year to their 40th birthday do, FFS?!), and then you get defensive when people tell you what they think?

I think you probably have some fairly serious and deeply entrenched problems, OP, but the good news is that getting rid of this man is one of the easier fixes in your immediate future.

Jesus OP
I’m not sure why you’ve even posted here
Your not willing to listen to reason even though it’s all staring you in the face
Nothing we say here is going to make you happy
You’ll just carry on regardless excusing any and all of his shitty behaviour because you seem grateful for any scrap of attention he throws your way

Pull your head out of the sand and find some self respect!

Or accept that this is simply a no strings bit of fun and let that be it.

Either way, this is not and never will be a real relationship.

Wildofthewest can i ask you why you think I'm not listening? I've said I accept that I may not be seen as someone he wants a future with, may just be seen as casuAl, may be ashamed of me etc so why aren't I listening? Just because I say he isn't seeing anyone else or lying about work, why does that mean I'm not listening? I can't make something be true just because the other posters believe it is.

I'm simply saying that he works long hours in the summer and I know 100% that that is true

Nobody's said he's actually making it up, OP, only that it's quite a coincidence (and of course very convenient for him in that, yet again, it prevents you spending more time with his kids)

In the end, though, only you can decide if this whole sad situation is enough for you, or whether you deserve something better

Puzzled it actually doesn't really impact the weekends he has the kids that much so those opportunities are still there.... granted only time will tell whether he actually follows through with what he says he wants to happen.

OP forgive me but I'm confused ... you just said that "opportunities are still there" but earlier you mentioned he'll shortly have "hardly any time off" and that you "bet that will be the next excuse as to why there's not likely to be any opportunities"

Ha ha I get why it looks like I'm contradicting lol. I suppose I mean that his contact with the kids probably won't change too much (although it will be a bit less because of work) so I still will be able to meet with them but because he hasn't got a lot of free time and will be tired because of work I imagine he will tell me that he's not really wanting to do family parties etc where there will be opportunities to meet other family members. I could be wrong but that's what I think x

In answer to your OP, nope you're not unreasonable to question this relationship.

I do feel you are wasting your time OP. I know you're trying to present all the facts that you know to be true about his life so perhaps the opinions will be less harsh. But the truth is this guy isn't ready to give you what you want and perhaps never will be. Go and find someone worthy of you. You deserve more.

I don't think he's ashamed of you and please don't think that about youtself, never put yourself down like that. Never even think it.

I think he is involved with someone else. I'm sorry. I think you may be the other woman. Or you both are. I don't know.

If he's been separated for several years why is he not divorced?