To question my bf re being uninvited to an event?

[bluedabadeedabadoo]

So I've been with my bf for a year. I'm quite insecure and he is quite closed and doesn't give much away in terms of how he feels/ what he wants so sometimes I find this hard. He also still keeps me distant from the rest f his life too. Tonight I text him explaining hat I feel like I'm kept at arms length and wanted to check that we are still on the same hym sheet in terms of goals within the relationship. He asked why I felt like I did but did say that he still feel the same in terms of wanting to be with me as a long term relationship. I didn't go into details as to why I feel like I do because it's partly my issues that I need to deal with. One things though is that a few months ago he invited me to a friends party which is next month. I mentioned it yesterday and he now doesn't think I should go. His reasons is that it will be quite disjointed and not a great way to meet his friends for the first time. This upset me. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way and to mention this?

Thanks everyone. In terms of not meeting friends until now, he is t someone who has a lot or goes to a lot of social events or goes out a lot so there hasn't really been any opportunity.

I know texting isn't ideal and I wanted to talk about it face to face at the weekend but I really struggle to talk about things that make me vulnerable.

It's so easy for everyone to say dump him and I get why people would say that but in every other way things are great. There is definitley not anyone else on the scene.

So what do you want us to say OP, (i dont mean to sound rude) from what you havd told I us i wouldnt of hung around for so long. There is just obviously more to it then. End of they day you deserve to be treated better.

Every other way things are great, except for the bit about not being included in his life?
You have to ask yourself if you can see yourself in this same situation five years from now and still calling it great. That is why people are saying dump him.

His reasons, just from what you've written here, seem sensible/plausible

They really don't, Medea. He invites her some months in advance to a friend's party, then pulls the plug on it because it will be "disjointed", whatever that means. So why hasn't he introduced OP to at least some of them over the course of those few months?

And sorry, OP, I really don't buy that there has been no opportunity whatsoever for you to meet any of them over the last year. He can't be that busy with his social life for 365 days on the trot. If he's had time to meet you, is there any reason why one or two of those meetings couldn't have included a friend or two?

Different people do relationships differently. My Ex and I alsmot never met each other's friends. (He's my ex now but we were togtehr 25 years and had 2 kids). He hated being dragged round like some sort of trophy, "Look what I've won in the competition" - and so did I.

I disagree that the only explanation is that he is not interested but, that said, if you are not happy then you need to address that one way or another.

After your update I don't think you actually know what you want or need from this thread. So I am curious as to why you posted but I do wish you all the best for the future (but I would still LTB).

If all you are after is a bit of company on the weekend and someone to hangout with then carry on.
If you want someone to share your life with, to make plans together, to become a family together then I really suspect you are wasting your time.

I always felt like I was a part time girlfriend with my ex and it is such a horrible feeling. He would happily come and spend the weekend with me, we’d do fun stuff together but in relation to long term planning, or consideration to what I wanted there was nothing.

You’ve got to think about where you want to be in 5 years time.

Have you met his family OP?

in every other way things are great

How? I'm wondering if you're one of those people for whom any man is better than none.
I think you need to work on your self esteem and communication before being in a relationship.

Expect more.

Your right in that I don't really know what I want from the thread lol.

We do see each other quite a bit and I suppose there could have been opportunities made to meet friends but we are both very private people so I don't really see the fact that he hasn't made any opportunities an issue but obviously I do see the fact he is now swerving an opportunity.

I haven't met his family apart from his kids who I've now started to be introduced to gradually.

Just wondering who it is who gave you the label of insecure? You or your bf?

Regardless of his behaviour, I think if you feel you have to have a conversation like this over text, then you really aren't compatible. if you can't speak to your partner open and honestly, face to face, then it's not much of a relationship.

Simples Blue. Leave and do it now! This isnt going anywhere apart from the old heartbreak hotel;(

It was me who labels myself as insecure.

Has he met any of your family or friends?

From what you wrote, I don’t think there is anyone else, but I do think you should break up with him.

I could have written this post about a guy I dated a few years ago. He was very handsome, nice, funny, calm, didn’t meet friends that much as he was an introvert and actually said similar to me about meeting his friends.
He was also a total head wreck who made me feel very needy and very insecure. His beviour magnified it, so while I had been perhaps slightly reassurance seeking when we met I was ultra insecure/needy by the time we broke up.

We dated for 7 months and I didn’t meet any friends in that time (which is a huge red flag in hindsight). I cried etc when we eventually broke up (I felt like I had “failed” at yet another relationship and he was good on paper) but honestly within a week I felt a huge weight had been lifted.

YANBU to mention it or to feel upset. YWBVU to let him minimise /dismiss it when you do discuss it. You should push the issue it may act as a catalyst

Ultimately this guy is not for you - he is not enhancing your life and not meeting friends for this long is weird. (For context while relationships move at different paces a lot of people move in after a year)

Well I can see exactly why you are insecure - he is behaving in a very shady manner. He probably chooses women like you who will question themselves rather than him when he is being "distant" and keeping you at arms length.

Stop questioning his behaviour. Ask yourself why you would accept such a shitty relationship. Agree with PP this is heading nowhere and if you don't dump him you are just dragging it out.

Op, you sound just like me when I was young. I remember how painful it all is. Having a bf who a bit chilly and closed makes it much worse. And it is his issue, it’s not emotionally healthy to compartmentalise your life.
What sorted it for me was having the courage to move away from the man who played into my insecurities and finding a really big hearted man who wasnt ambivalent and wasprepared to be really present and open emotionally.

Don’t be afraid to aim high, to really raise your bar and find a relationship where you will get your needs met.

I spent years thinking I was needy or “ too much” , but all I needed was someone with a generous heart. They are out there op.

I’m sorry but it’s bullshit there hasn’t been the right time to meet his friends. It’s been a year!

If you want to carry on deluding yourself that’s fine but hopefully you’ll wake up before you’ve wasted years of your life on him and he makes you even more insecure that you already feel.

I'm another one who doesn't think he's shady or seeing someone else, but I also don't think he's the right man for you. He sounds like he might have some MH problems or just be very very unsociable. I bet he's not demonstrative either, no sudden hugs or kisses, and he sits next to you with his arms folded?

Give him the boot and go and find yourself a nice, outgoing, generous man who will make you feel secure and wanted. This guy is just going to make you feel rejected all the time, either physically or, more important, mentally, if he doesn't let you into his head at all. You need to find a man who tells you what he's thinking, to stop you feeling so insecure.

If you are insecure then having a relationship with an emotionally closed person who doesn't want to open up his life to you, is not going to be good for your mental health or self-esteem.

I would end the relationship on the basis that you aren't compatible. A party is a completely normal way of meeting someone's friends - it's low key and low pressure.

I'll be blunt; it sounds like he's withdrawing your invite to the party as a punishment for you asking about the future of the relationship. Do you really want to be with someone like this - constantly worrying about how they feel and grateful for every tiny crumb of attention they deign to throw at you?

If a relationship is not making you happy, bin the man and move on. That's all there is to it. As a PP said, are you in the mindset that A Man In Your Life is essential, so any old random will do, and you'll do your best to cling on to any man who has shown even the tiniest bit of interest?
Life is too short to waste it fretting over whether he really likes you or not. Some people are happy with a casual relationship (and TBH those are often better and healthier than the sort where one person is clingy and needy and desperate, or one is manipulative and dishonest and only interested in getting their own wishes fulfilled). Some people want dating to progress to commitment and building a life together. Each to their own, but it doesn't sound as though you and this particular man want the same things.

So, OP, has he not actually seen his friends much in the last year? That would be different from when I posted. I was imagining him seeing them a lot but never taking you along.

Too much angst and hard work for a new relationship.