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AIBU?

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To question my bf re being uninvited to an event?

185 replies

bluedabadeedabadoo · 12/06/2018 00:12

So I've been with my bf for a year. I'm quite insecure and he is quite closed and doesn't give much away in terms of how he feels/ what he wants so sometimes I find this hard. He also still keeps me distant from the rest f his life too. Tonight I text him explaining hat I feel like I'm kept at arms length and wanted to check that we are still on the same hym sheet in terms of goals within the relationship. He asked why I felt like I did but did say that he still feel the same in terms of wanting to be with me as a long term relationship. I didn't go into details as to why I feel like I do because it's partly my issues that I need to deal with. One things though is that a few months ago he invited me to a friends party which is next month. I mentioned it yesterday and he now doesn't think I should go. His reasons is that it will be quite disjointed and not a great way to meet his friends for the first time. This upset me. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way and to mention this?

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 12/06/2018 22:35

Years ago I was in a relationship with a man who assured me that he wasn't married or in a relationship. I fell in love with him. After about six months I still hadn't met any of his family or friends and started to question why. The reasons he gave at the time seemed to me in my loved up state, utterly plausible but of course in reality they were ridiculous.

Eventually, during a conversation he let something slip which made me really question him until he finally admitted that he had a wife and six children back in Ireland. As I had never nor would ever cheat with another woman's man, I threw him out of my house and never spoke to or saw him again.

I am not suggesting your DH has a wife and children tucked away somewhere although it's not impossible. All I am saying is that your DH's behaviour is extremely odd and I couldn't live with not knowing why you are prevented from meeting his friends and family.

You deserve to know the truth and I wish you the very best of luck.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/06/2018 22:38

If that's the case, no for this relationship. You are not serious to him, just a stop gap. I think, the way he is treating you, us contributing to your insecurities. Either that, or he is hiding something.

bluedabadeedabadoo · 12/06/2018 22:44

Thanks silvery. I know that's definitely not the case here. I truthfully deepdown think that he's not ready for the reality of what a relationship entails. I think 6-7 months ago he thought he would be ready for this sort of stuff by now but I don't think he is. I don't know whether it's about me or not..... I really don't. I think he's private and finds it hard people knowing about his personal life but surely not this hard that after a year he can't move forward. He has let me meet his kids which does make me think that he must see some future. I'm soooo confused!!!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 12/06/2018 22:56

Then you have to have a frank and honest talk to him

ReanimatedSGB · 12/06/2018 23:59

If he's not 'ready' for the sort of relationship you want, then he is not the right man for you to have that sort of relationship with.
Please bear in mind that he isn't necessarily wrong or bad for not prioritizing his romantic relationship with you: some people just don't regard couple-relationships as a very important part of their lives. It just means that he is not suitable for you to think of as your life partner or soulmate - he's just not that bothered. It's not your job to 'fix' him.

bluedabadeedabadoo · 13/06/2018 00:14

Thanks reanimated. No I know it's not my job to fix him and I certainly have no intention of trying to talk anyone into something they aren't interested in because that just won't work. I just feel that I need to know exactly what is going on and he probably does need to know exactly how I feel or I'd always wonder 'what if I had told him'. He still tells me that a committed relationship is what he wants (only said that yesterday) and talks about the immediate future which is what confuses me so much. Problem is now that the next time I see him will be 2 day before his birthday then on his birthday then during our celebration for his birthday (he is 40) so I don't want to be spoiling his birthday with these things!!!

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 13/06/2018 02:23

He still tells me that a committed relationship is what he wants (only said that yesterday) and talks about the immediate future which is what confuses me so much.

This doesn't mean anything.

He's not going to say, 'I just want to keep you hanging on for sex/until someone better comes along'. He's going to say what he know you want to hear, as long as he wants to keep his options vaguely open.

He's just going to keep you dangling. Because he knows you will dangle.

He's pulling all the strings, while you relinquish any control over the situation at all.

And it's a vicious circle, because as he sees you do that, he just does it more.

If you stand up for yourself, you either get the response you want - or - you bring the inevitable to an end.

Either way you're in control, and you're not left swirling around while somebody who's not that into you leads you a miserable dance, just because they can.

I don't say this to be unkind. It's just that nothing good can come from waiting around for someone else who's not worth waiting for.

As I said upthread - there are nice men out there, who will be nice to you. Who will love to introduce you to their friends and family, and make you part of their life. Thanks

Monty27 · 13/06/2018 02:36

OP you need to kick him to the kerb. He is clearly an arrogant shit who is ashamed of you. He should be proud you.
Dump him.

OrchidInTheSun · 13/06/2018 03:34

It's his 49th birthday and he's not inviting you to Amy celebration with his friends and family? Shock

Oh dear

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/06/2018 05:09

He’s nearly 50. He’s not going to change. Do you want to continue to live like this? Being constantly upset and disappointed?

KittyHawke80 · 13/06/2018 05:26

Er, sorry Op, but if he lives 30 mins away and every meet-up has to be planned heavily due to logistics - then you emphatically don’t know there’s no-one else. And even if there isn’t, the behaviours you’ve described mean he simply doesn’t rate you very highly. Jog him on.

speakout · 13/06/2018 05:58

You are not his only girlfriend OP.

SteveAllenLBC · 13/06/2018 06:00

Obvs married!

HidingFromDD · 13/06/2018 07:32

I would have said that not meeting family or friends after a year could be ok. I tend to socialise with friends either one to one (where we wouldn't include boyfriends, also sometimes partners are included) or in a big group who know each other through work or sport, where partners/boyfriends don't attend. Family all live a distance away so means a stop over visit, again, I wouldn't include a boyfriend of a year in that trip.

Where I think there's a problem is that he's very obviously not told his parents that you are together, and that's why he can't firm up plans around his birthday.

I don't think you're being needlessly insecure with this one. I'd seriously consider walking away.

OrchidInTheSun · 13/06/2018 08:17

40th birthday, not 49th. He's having 40th birthday celebrations and you're not invited. You're not his girlfriend, no matter what he tells you

Starlight345 · 13/06/2018 09:18

I don't think anything said on this thread is going to make the slightest difference.. You are very defensive of a man who does not include you in his life.

I can say if he isn't already in a relationship he will meet someone who he is ready to shout from the rooftops he is in a relationship with.

The saying actions speak louder than words is the key here.

TheDowagerCuntess · 13/06/2018 09:41

These threads always go the same way.

Poster comes on to complain about undoubtedly shitty behaviour from their sub-par partner.

Everyone comes on and agrees that the behaviour is beyond shitty and the OP should give serious consideration as to LingTB.

OP then jumps right into defending the crappy behaviour and the feckless reason for starting the thread.

Motoko · 13/06/2018 09:47

TheDowagerCuntess has said what I was going to say.

The reason he can't tell his parents that he was planning on seeing you, is that they don't know about you. And there is a reason he hasn't told them, and being "private" is not it.

I bet he wasn't like this with his ex wife when he met her, hiding her away.

He's using you as someone to spend some time with, to have sex with, that's all. He has no intention of having a proper committed relationship, but you'll do for now.

If you're not afraid of not being with a man, why are you still putting up with this? Why keep making excuses for him? It's as plain as day to everyone else that this is going nowhere, but you don't want to see it.

lastnamefirstfirstnamelast · 13/06/2018 11:16

TheDowagerCuntess

Yep, same here too, I dont know why I bother on Relationship threads.

Truth hurts I guess.

JemmimaJ · 13/06/2018 11:24

After a year...you should be fully in each other's lives. If he is causing you to feel insecure then he is not right for you. It sounds like he has an other life apart from you. Basically, as others have said, he's just not in love with you.

bluedabadeedabadoo · 13/06/2018 11:49

Yes the truth does hurt.

I'm not making excuses for him as I know that this isn't right but every situation is different and there are things in regards to my situation which give a bit more context as to why things are as they are such as having children, certain personalities, work, own commitments, history etc. This makes a situation not clear cut but does not necessarily mean that I'm defending him or excusing his behaviours.

OP posts:
JemmimaJ · 13/06/2018 12:37

Yes lots of things get in the way and things happen but when someone is in love with you and wants to be with you, then they will.

Trinity66 · 13/06/2018 12:40

If you haven't met his friends after a year then there's something wrong and you have a real reason to feel insecure. You deserve better than that

Trinity66 · 13/06/2018 12:42

He hated being dragged round like some sort of trophy, "Look what I've won in the competition" - and so did I.

Meeting your OH's friends is like being dragged around like a trophy?? umm ok Confused

Trinity66 · 13/06/2018 12:48

I did actually meet his parents very briefly in the very early stages but I don't think they know that we are still together.

Hmm Seriously?

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