To question my bf re being uninvited to an event?

[bluedabadeedabadoo]

So I've been with my bf for a year. I'm quite insecure and he is quite closed and doesn't give much away in terms of how he feels/ what he wants so sometimes I find this hard. He also still keeps me distant from the rest f his life too. Tonight I text him explaining hat I feel like I'm kept at arms length and wanted to check that we are still on the same hym sheet in terms of goals within the relationship. He asked why I felt like I did but did say that he still feel the same in terms of wanting to be with me as a long term relationship. I didn't go into details as to why I feel like I do because it's partly my issues that I need to deal with. One things though is that a few months ago he invited me to a friends party which is next month. I mentioned it yesterday and he now doesn't think I should go. His reasons is that it will be quite disjointed and not a great way to meet his friends for the first time. This upset me. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way and to mention this?

After a year (even moving slowly relationship) there is no reason you, he and his parents can't all have a meal together on his birthday.

I think they can't meet you for a reason, either he is pretending to them he is still married or he is or he feels he would have "burnt his bridges" if he acknowledges you publicly.

I think you need to find out what is going on, it is NOT your insecurity.

We don’t live near each other ... our dates are always planned so ‘bumping’ into family or friends is unlikely to happen

How convenient for him

Well we have had a bit of an argument today (first time) over a situation where he seems to be making out that his parents are dictAting the plans for his birthday. He's making out that he's not happy about this and wants to see me but not standing his ground and saying he has plans. I got annoyed with him telling him he's a grown man and suggested that he dictates what he wants given that it is his birthday. I raised that I feel like he's making out that he's not in control of it and I don't know if this is because he isn't bothered about seeing me or another reason. He tells me I need to chill out and take a sep back and sort of back tracks. I know what everyone is thinking and I know your are all right. I just need to rant!!

Well this truth is going to hurt OP.

You are a stop gap until someone better comes along, if he saw you as a long term relationship you would have been in one by now.

On top of that he could be telling women he is not currently dating or in a relationship wih you and that you are a clingy obsessed friend.

Quite frankly he needs to get as far away from you as possible so that he can find a meaningful relationship.

For all you know you could have read the whole thing wrong and he just considers you his friend or if you two are intimate fwb.

And you are right he does not want to spend his birthday with you, he has better plans with friends and family.

But no doubt you will continue living in your fantasy world.

Thanks beaver

I am not living in a fantasy world. I know this isn't right hence me being here.

I know something isn't right here but I do know that he definitley isn't seeing anyone else.

I definitley haven't read the signals wrong. We have discussed our relationship status a number of times and only this week he 'says' he wants a long term relationship.... albeit I know that his actions don't say the same thing.

In relation to the birthday he has now come back with the itinerary or arrangements for the evening which includes coming to see me when I finish work. I just don't get it.

In relation to the birthday he has now come back with the itinerary or arrangements for the evening which includes coming to see me when I finish work. I just don't get it.

Gosh blue, come on.

Coming to see you? Alone? Without anyone else?

Not including you? Taking you out to celebrate?

Come on.

You are reading the signals completely wrong, you just won't see it.

You won't see that he's saying whatever he needs to say to keep you placated. To keep you dangling.

The signals are his actions, which you're wilfully ignoring.

I'm sorry but this isn't going anywhere.

And now he's stopping in to see you on his 40th - completely compartmentalising you, while he celebrates with other people?

I do know that he definitley isn't seeing anyone else

Bearing in mind you don't live with - or even near - to him, can I ask what makes you so sure?

only this week he 'says' he wants a long term relationship

Well yes, he will; it keeps you nicely on the hook while he continues with a life that largely excludes you

I'm really sad to read your most recent posts blue. Can you not see that his behaviour is screaming out as dodgy, suspicious, odd and totally unacceptable? I do understand love can make you miss red flags but these are about 100 foot high!

PLEASE confront him, tell him you want to meet his family and friends, not sometime never, NOW. Ask him why you have not been invited to celebrate his birthday with his parents. Tell him you are free next Tuesday (eg) and unless he arranges drinks in the pub for you to meet his friends, then it's over.

Actually maybe before confronting him you could casually ask where he is taking his parents to celebrate his birthday, you turn up and join them at their table. Then watch the shit hit the fan.

Ask yourself what possible excuse there can be? I can think of none.

I just know that he isn't. We see each other quite a bit and are in communication throughout the day a lot. He works long hours (shifts). He has hardly any free time when he isn't working and doesn't have his kids. His free time is largely spent with me.

Thanks silvery.

Yes of course I see the red flags. I suppose when you live someone you just hope they go away but of course they don't!!

I really couldn't just turn up to his birthday as his kids will be there and I could not cause a scene in front of them which is why I'm not pushing it in respect of his birthday. I have met them a couple of times already though but unless they have guessed I don't think they know I'm his 'girlfriend'. He's only having an hour at home with his parents and kids
Before he planned to visit me. We couldn't go out anyway even if we wanted to as I will have my son in bed but we had planned something for the weekend. I know that I need to confront him about this though.

I really do believe that he's realising that he isn't ready for the reality of a serious relationship but either wants to keep me dangling as he likes t casual or because he hopes he will change his mind in the future.

I think you both have a different definition of long-term relationship.

I'd say to some that don't want to listen to advice to limp on as they are until they finally decide they've had enough, but the fact you have your own insecurities makes this "relationship" particularly worrying for you. You've mentioned you have a son - I'm betting he'd far rather have a happy mum whose insecurities aren't being played on by this man.

Thanks shawshank. I am listening to the advice/opinions and a lot of it I agree is very likely to be right but then some I know is wrong.

And you are right about my son, although I try to not let him see how I feel it's not good for him to pick up on my insecurities.

The more I think about this and the more I read, the more I wonder whether I am insecure at all or whether this is a normal reaction to a situation like this.

I just know that he isn't. We see each other quite a bit and are in communication throughout the day a lot. He works long hours (shifts). He has hardly any free time when he isn't working and doesn't have his kids. His free time is largely spent with me.

This is almost becoming painful to read.

He works a lot, and that's why you think there can't be anything nefarious going on?

Married people, who live with their spouses 24/7 manage to pull the wool over their OH's eyes, by claiming to be 'at work', or wherever else.

This is so painfully obvious. And I hate to say it, but you're letting him make a fool of you.

Don't, because you deserve better. And you're absolutely right that you're only insecure because of this man's actions, pure and simple.

The more I think about this and the more I read, the more I wonder whether I am insecure at all or whether this is a normal reaction to a situation like this.

No you are not insecure.

Your instincts are screaming out- listen to them.

You deserve so much better OP. I did not realise that he is actually that old. I thought he was young, immature and stringing you along. Now, I am even more convinced that you are sadly a bit on the side. There is zero excuse that you are hidden away from friends and family.

It's just mad how things happen and play games with your mind. I aired earlier to him what I thought but still haven't really said anything about my overall feelings in respect of this issue but it's like he's now picked up on it.. I've not said much or text much afterwards where as I've had the usually affectionate communication from him. he's also rung me after work and even spoken about me coming to a bbq at his house soon and how he wants me to spend a bit more time there and with his kids. It's things like this that make me question my feelings as if he was stringing me along why would he suggest this? He's extremely protective over his children (who are 12 and 13 so very attuned to what's happening around them) and I know 100% would not want me in their lives if he didn't see me being part of it in some way.

I had the same issue with an ex. He was slow to introduce me to people and when he eventually did, it was really awkward because they all knew we’d been together about two years and this was the first time we were actually meeting. Unfortunately my ex didn’t make things better by only reintroducing us once or twice - it had taken so long in the first place that he was just used to not having me there as it meant less work for him to make sure I was integrating. It was part of the reason for our breakup in the end. If he had have just introduced me to his friends early on, I could have formed a relationship of my own with them and it would have been easier for everyone involved. I know how you must be feeling - it’s not nice to feel at arms length when you love this person and if you are anything like me, want to sing about him from the rooftops and can’t get enough of introducing him to people who are important to you.

OP tough love here. Dump the ---- loser.
Been there. Being a secret. No no no.

Thanks jelly. What was the reason for your ex not introducing you sooner?

How old are you Op ?

Serriously stop wasting your time with this loser just get rid of him.

Everything you have posted since your first post just shows more & more how much of a dick he is & doesnt deserve you.

He is probably back with the mother of his kids. Or seeing god knows how many other women.

Either way, you are not his girlfriend.

Thanks waves.

I'm 33 so probably old enough to know better!! Can't say that I do know what's going on but he's definitely not back with the Mum to his kids or seeing anyone else.

But how do you know, really know that he's not seeing anyone else?

My friend had a bloke just like this, kept her very distant from his friends, and only socialising publically far from home - 2 years in she finds out he’s also in another relationship.

She ditched him and is happy now,