To question my bf re being uninvited to an event?

[bluedabadeedabadoo]

So I've been with my bf for a year. I'm quite insecure and he is quite closed and doesn't give much away in terms of how he feels/ what he wants so sometimes I find this hard. He also still keeps me distant from the rest f his life too. Tonight I text him explaining hat I feel like I'm kept at arms length and wanted to check that we are still on the same hym sheet in terms of goals within the relationship. He asked why I felt like I did but did say that he still feel the same in terms of wanting to be with me as a long term relationship. I didn't go into details as to why I feel like I do because it's partly my issues that I need to deal with. One things though is that a few months ago he invited me to a friends party which is next month. I mentioned it yesterday and he now doesn't think I should go. His reasons is that it will be quite disjointed and not a great way to meet his friends for the first time. This upset me. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way and to mention this?

I bet he's married. Not to have met any of his friends or family after a year is weird.

Once you've been about that long, it would be quite hard not to meet at least some of them.

bluedabadeedabadoo
Thanks everyone. In terms of not meeting friends until now, he is t someone who has a lot or goes to a lot of social events or goes out a lot so there hasn't really been any opportunity

You must really know that this is not a good reason not to have met his friends before now, after seeing him for a year. Of course there have been opportunities had he so chosen. I've no idea what his reason is but I would be very suspicious and confront him.

However, it sounds like you don't want to rock the boat so will continue to be kept on the sidelines of his life. How long do you think you will be happy to be in that position?

Are you afraid to be on your own OP? Do you find it hard to meet men, so you're hanging on to this one because you don't want to be alone?

If you can't discuss things with your boyfriend, then you don't have a proper relationship.

You need to work on your self esteem, learn to love yourself, know your self worth, and enjoy your own company.

Then you can find a man, knowing that if he's not right, you can dump him and move on, until you find the man who is right for you.
He is out there, but you won't meet him while you're tied up in this dead end relationship.

Have you told him your upset about being uninvited?

I think his reaction will tell you lots.

Never met his friends in a year because he doesn't go out much. This finally comes along and he disinvites you! When does he think you should meet his friends? Or adult family?

Unless he absolutely loves and adores you I would seriously think about giving him the boot.

I don't think you are ready to face the reality of what your relationship appears to be from the outside. You have been together for a year, he doesn't introduce you to family or friends, despite him going to lots of social events. How hard would it be have you meet him for drinks after all the social events?

Forward to the up coming party, it's not the place because he doesn't want to introduce you around. I agree with the above poster, a party is the perfect place to introduce you. I don't think he is seeing someone else but I think he is keeping his options open and his options at a party a a lot more open without you. You are on the backburner.

I agree with the others, get out now. You are already beating yourself up over this. There will be so many more excuses - and although he will make them sound plausible they will chip away at your esteem.

Oh blue - what a waste. You know there are lovely men out there?

Nice, kind, caring, funny, decent men. Lots of them.

You don't need to sit around waiting for this person's crumbs, when all they do is make you feel bad about yourself.

I would have expected to have met his family and friends in a year.
I'm not normally one to say LTB but this is very suspicious.
For all you know he could have a whole family, a wife and kids hidden from you!

In terms of not meeting friends until now, he is t someone who has a lot or goes to a lot of social events or goes out a lot so there hasn't really been any opportunity

Don't make excuses for him OP. If he wanted you to meet his friends, it would have happened. I'd be tempted to call his bluff, say you're still keen to go to the party and see how he responds

You want a partner who is happy to be seen out and about with you and is happy to socialise with his friends with you in company.
I'd recommend that you don't invest anymore in this relationship.

Also (though this may not be the case with this man) a man with no friends may be dodgy as fuck. He may have no friends because he has stolen off everyone, or because he's an insatiable fanny rat who is particularly interested in shagging women who are going out with his friends.
A friend of mine once dated a 'charming' bloke who took us all in with his charm, and we only found out about the trail of devastation behind him after he started pulling his tricks on her - he'd initially spun a load of nonsense about his 'crazy ex' and that was why he'd moved away from his former home and had no contact with former friends...

Thanks for your responses everyone.

zaph that’s thing that confuses me, he’s not closed at all in that respect. He is very warm, loving and affectionate. He likes lots of kisses and cuddles, holding hands, touching etc.

Daily the invitation was withdrawn (well not quite like that) before I asked again about the relationship. I wish I knew what had changed. I suspect it’s the reality of including me in his life more. I suspect he thought by now he was ready and for whatever reason he isn’t.

Reanimated I’m definitley not desperate and not someone to consider that any man is better than no one. Yes clearly there are issues here but lots of positives which has obviously what has kept me here until now.

He does have friends but doesn’t see friends regularly.

Penelope no he doesn’t see his friends that much. Very infrequent and only every few months. I can think of very few events since we have been together. I’m the same to be fair.... don’t go to many social occasions.

Thesmallclanger he is actually still married (I am too) but has been separated for a few years and I know they are definitely not still together. We don’t live near each other (30 mins away) and because f work shifts and child care commitments our dates are always planned so ‘bumping’ into family or friends is unlikely to happen.

Silvery I hate rocking the boat.... that’s just me because is my previous experiences. I don’t like coming accross as needing so don’t confront as much as I probably should do for this reason. I suppose I find it hard to know what is needy and what is reasonable.

Gabriel I didn’t tell him I was upset but I did tell him that I’d still like to attend if the invitation is still open as he never actually said it was a definite no. He didn’t say anything.
In terms of family, it’s been a bit tricky as when he sees them he always has his kids and I’ve only just started to be introduced to them so I get why it hasn’t been appropriate previously.

Allthegoodusernames I have done this. Still waiting for his response ....

If I didn’t feel crap yesterday I do now.... so it’s his birthday soon and we’d discussed ya seeing each other on the evening of the Sunday before his bday and on the evening of his bday. He texts me tonight that his mum and dad are coming over both days and that he will know tomorrow the times. He sounds annoyed that they are so I suggested he tells them when he’s free until and when he’s going out. I know he won’t do this. I don’t get it as I know that we will see each other at some point but don’t get why I can’t be in any way a priority and why he can’t just say he has plans from x time.

Well, firstly why are you texting about things as important as this? The tone in texts are easily misconstrued, you can't pick up on body language etc and all sorts of miscommunications happen due to this.

Speak to him in person about serious things- or at the very least call him if there is a good reason you cannot talk face to face (e.g. long distance relationship or one of you is working away from home). I think it says a lot about your relationship that you have conversations like these over text.

If you are insecure, you have to try and take a step back- is this you're insecurity coming to the fore? Or is it just an excuse? Is he usually truthful or does he have form for being economical with the truth or outright lying?

Insecurity in a relationship can come from your own issues, but they can also be due to how the relationship is/how your partner treats you. Or a combination of both. Only you know which it is in your relationship.

I would say, though, that if you have been together for a year but you've still not met his friends then I would be questioning how seriously he is taking this relationship and asking why I hadn't as it seems odd that he wants to keep you so separate. There may or may not be a good reason, but I think you need to find out.

Thanks jacks. Like I said earlier in the thread I know texting is not ideal but I really struggle to bring up difficult things. I'm getting better at it but still don't have the confidence with everything.

In terms of insecurities I think it is just in relationships. I have felt insecure outside of this relationship but I definitley feel that this is the worse it's been for a long time. I have also experienced relationships where I didn't feel insecure too which probably says a lot although there was many other issues in that relationship. In terms of him and whether e is economical with the truth, I think he's a people pleaser, doesn't like hurting people and also is very closed so says the bare minimum to get thro go without having to reveal too much about himself.

But he is pleasing you is he? And he is hurting you.

I don't think he realises how much he is hurting me. I think he's trying to find a middle ground between keeping me interested/ available whilst not letting me get too close, pleasing everyone else but at the same time saying bare minimum about what's actually going on in his life.

Every single one of my friends who had a DP who was secretive and reticent about them meeting any of his friends/family, eventually found out that he already was in a relationship or even married. After that length of time, it is majorly dodgy. You are the side chick.

He doesn't care that he's hurting you. I'm sorry to be blunt but he's a single man as far as everyone is concerned. The only person who thinks you're in a relationship is you.

Why are you hanging around waiting for him to drop crumbs? Of course your self-esteem is at rock bottom! He's treating you like staff!

Take control. Tell him to sod off and free yourself for happiness

I think he probably perceives my worries as insecurities and me being unreasonable.

Well it's your choice. You do have a choice. He doesn't treat you like someone he's in a relationship with. He's not proud of you, he doesn't want to integrate you with his life. That's not good enough really and it's sad that you're prepared to accept that.

Please just make sure your contraception is bomb proof because this bloke will be dust if you get pregnant.

Reading your op and posts, you sound totally incompatible, I don't think his behaviour is helping your insecurities. You have been with him a year, he hasent introduced you to his parents, that is a red flag. I think he's keeping on the side, until something better comes along.

It's not that I'm willing to accept it because I'm not. I can't go on like this. It's the hope that things will improve but that's probably not realistic. I need to confront him properly though or I'll always wonder what if....

I woukd tell him your joining him with his parents on his birthday and see his reaction, it will tell you everything you need to know.

Aero I just wouldn't dare do that!! And I'm sure he knows that!! X

Is he on social media? Does it say he is in a relationship with you?

It sounds like his friends and family might not even know about you otherwise why can't he tell his parents he has plans with you or invite you to plans with them? Surely a year of dating is long enough?

He is in social media and no we aren't in a relationship on there but we do occasionally tag each other in pictures and status' on there. His mum isn't on but his sisters are. I did actually meet his parents very briefly in the very early stages but I don't think they know that we are still together. I don't think he openly talks about stuff like that with his parents but not to say that they shouldn't know about me by now. I did mention this a while ago and he did say it would be crazy not to tell them about me which would suggest he intends to but still don't seem to be there!!