I have gone very very wrong somewhere with DD.

[TokenBritPoshOfCourse]

I am mortified. Dd is 14. Last year I got her and ds1 (15) an iPhone SE each, which happened to be the same phone I had.

She broke hers within a month. I paid for it to be repaired and she broke it again (dropped it both times).

DH upgraded his android phone so she was given his old handset (Samsung galaxy). She has done nothing but moan about it really, the camera is ‘shit’, she can’t download stuff she wants, it’s not an iPhone. We have pulled her up on this every time btw.

I have upgraded my phone and the new one (iPhone 8) arrived this morning. DD was hovering wanting to know what the parcel was and I said, ooh, you’ll be happy because this means you’ll have an iPhone again. She rapidly cycled through thinking I meant the new phone was for her, to realising I meant she could have my old one, to hysterical tears and then utter rage at me.

She has stamped her way around the house yelling that I need to apologise to her because I led her to believe she was getting a new iPhone, that it’s not fair I get a brand new phone and she gets my cast offs, that I’m out of order for getting myself a new phone when mine still works and that she deserves a new one before me.

I just don’t know where to go from here. Obviously she isn’t now getting my ‘old’ phone. I am disgusted by her attitude but I don’t know how to fix this. DH wants to take her phone away entirely, and her laptop, camera, tv etc. She is totally spoilt and entitled and I don’t really know what to do. For context ds1 and ds2 (6) have all the same mod cons but a totally different attitude.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this? She’s been sent to her room but is still raging that I need to apologise to her for ‘leading her on’ thinking she was getting a new iPhone 8.

I’m with your DH, isn’t take away all her phones. If she wanted an iPhone she shouldn’t have broken it twice. She’s old enough to get a Saturday job and save up.

Isn’t = I would

Take the phone away and tell her to get a Saturday job.

I agree with your DH. She is acting like an entitled brat. She is old enough to get a job and earn money for a brand new iPhone.

I’d probably think it was for me too!
But an easy misunderstanding. I’d just be kind to her now even if she’s being a bit of a diva. I would allow her to earn the right to your old phone with good behaviour. But don’t talk to her if you’re angry. Or if she’s still in a mood.

I suggest you go absolutely BATSHIT and tell her exactly how disgusted you are with her spoiled, selfish, HIDEOUS attitude and to stay in her room for a very long time, because you just really don't want to see her.

DH wants to take her phone away entirely, and her laptop, camera, tv etc.

Yes.

She is totally spoilt and entitled

Yes.

Take them away and tell her that it's in order for her to start to learn to appreciate exactly what she has.

Teenage tantrums. She's trying it on and testing the boundaries. I had this with mine - a cheerful, 'No,' seems to be the thing they can't get round. In a case like this when she is being totally unreasonable, just 'No,' no explanations no excuses.

You haven't done anything wrong. Some of them are hell on earth at that age. I've had one who was a saint and one who was a nightmare. They've both turned out fine.

Yep, take it all away for a month. Tell her she can have the lot back at the end of the month IF her attitude improves, except your old iphone which is now gone. If she wants an iPhone she can get a Saturday job and save up. Any tantrums about that adds a week on to the time all the rest of her tech is in lock up.

Be firm, be united with dh, don't waver. Don't be fooled into thinking she needs a phone for safety - make her a little card with your number, dh's number, anyone else she might reasonably need to contact in an emergency. She will have to ask a friend nicely to use their phone if she needs to get in touch with you urgently, and if it's not urgent she'll have to think on her feet and work it out (like we used to!).

Good luck!

I don’t think you’ve gone wrong anywhere, I just think 14yo girls are often pricks (I know I was).

Take away her phone for a bit or if she needs one so you can call her, get her a Nokia brick. See how she likes them apples.

You haven’t gone wrong.

And I’m with you dh

She's probably angry that she doesn't have a"good" phone; embarrassed at her mistake; and jealous of you for having one. She could also have different peer pressures to your sons; you can't control that other than trying to guide her on dealing with it.

I agree that getting a job would be good for her as she'd realise that they don't grow on trees. But depends where you live - not everywhere is rife with jobs for teenagers who can't serve behind a bar, I know.

shes reacted badly out of dissapointment and embarrassment... dont ramp those things up as it will escalate out of control. Teens have a hard time dealing with their own emotions, they wont react like an adult is able to react to deal with things.
Im not saying you have no right to be angry with her as you certainly do... and I wouldnt give her the new Iphone no way...
But I would try and take a step back from how emotionally tense the situation has gotten.

Just calmly state that the new phone is not for her and do not engage with her hysteria at all... give her space to calm down
She probably feels humiliated and is having to react the way she is to stop feeling bad about herself... as though if she convinces herself that its all your fault she doesnt have to be embarrassed about getting the wrong end of the stick.
Shouting at her and increasing the punishments as she gets more irate is only going to make her behave worse.
She just needs leaving completely alone to calm down and get a grip on her emotions.

You haven’t go redo g! Teenagers are hideous creatures even with the very best of parents x

She’s getting to the age where she needs to learn that if she wants new shiny expensive things then she needs to go out and earn money and save up for them.

Your DH is right. Take it all away. She can earn it back piece by piece with good, respectful behaviour.

I'm with your DH on this. Take away her tech.

How did she break two phones in such quick succession anyway? Doesn't she have a phone case? Did she realise how much it cost?

Do you give her pocket money/pay for treats? I feel very old writing this down, but sounds like she needs to learn the value of money...

Sympathy for you. It's easy to spoil a child without realising that's what you're doing - the eventual moment of realisation is horrible.

I’d give her a 90’s Nokia and tell her that’s her upgrade till she can learn to take care of expensive things.

The other stuff gets taken off her, obviously. And she gets a job.

You haven't done anything wrong she is just being a brat most teenagers expect on occasion justone of the joys of teenagers.

I agree with the others: I think you're doing everything right with your DD and 14 year olds can frequently be horrid. One day, in the distant future, she will apologise to you for the way she is being now .

Stop buying them such expensive phones in the first place. It sets a bad precedent

This is (one of the reasons) why I don't buy my kids premium phones.

I'm with DH too. Not all tech, but def removal of phone. She wants a new one, she pays for it herself.

My DD had my old IPhone 4 as her first phone. I upgraded a year later and she got my old 5. She had that phone for 2 years (without breaking it). On her birthday this year we got her a reconditioned iPhone 6. She was bloody overjoyed (and shocked) and treats it like it's made of unicorn tears and fairy wings.

She has mates with 8s and Xs but she would NEVER expect one herself. I think a lesson now may reap benefits in the long run.

and dont worry that youve gone 'completely wrong with her' this is pretty standard teen self centredness and defensiveness. I think most parents will get this reaction from teenage girls over something at some point and the girls will go on to mature and become decent adults.
Everything is overwhelming at that age and you feel like the world is against you even when it really really isnt and actually you are getting a pretty good deal out of things.
Try not to worry and escalate it by thinking this is a sign of how shes a terrible person or youre a terrible parent... its really just a teen thing, they do get very self centred and then they grow out of it.
Just calmly stick to your original plan about the phone and completely ignore any bollocks that she is shouting about. Dont get drawn into teen melodrama. She will eventually calm right down if you dont engage.

I’d just roll my eyes and let her carry on whinging about it. You’ve done nothing wrong.