I have gone very very wrong somewhere with DD.

[TokenBritPoshOfCourse]

I am mortified. Dd is 14. Last year I got her and ds1 (15) an iPhone SE each, which happened to be the same phone I had.

She broke hers within a month. I paid for it to be repaired and she broke it again (dropped it both times).

DH upgraded his android phone so she was given his old handset (Samsung galaxy). She has done nothing but moan about it really, the camera is ‘shit’, she can’t download stuff she wants, it’s not an iPhone. We have pulled her up on this every time btw.

I have upgraded my phone and the new one (iPhone 8) arrived this morning. DD was hovering wanting to know what the parcel was and I said, ooh, you’ll be happy because this means you’ll have an iPhone again. She rapidly cycled through thinking I meant the new phone was for her, to realising I meant she could have my old one, to hysterical tears and then utter rage at me.

She has stamped her way around the house yelling that I need to apologise to her because I led her to believe she was getting a new iPhone, that it’s not fair I get a brand new phone and she gets my cast offs, that I’m out of order for getting myself a new phone when mine still works and that she deserves a new one before me.

I just don’t know where to go from here. Obviously she isn’t now getting my ‘old’ phone. I am disgusted by her attitude but I don’t know how to fix this. DH wants to take her phone away entirely, and her laptop, camera, tv etc. She is totally spoilt and entitled and I don’t really know what to do. For context ds1 and ds2 (6) have all the same mod cons but a totally different attitude.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this? She’s been sent to her room but is still raging that I need to apologise to her for ‘leading her on’ thinking she was getting a new iPhone 8.

Did you think that what you said might have been misleading? Do you think that she thought you'd bought her a new iPhone as a present/replacement?

I would wait until things calm down entirely before discussing it. Then calmly explain that she was given a new phone, broke it twice but that it was her responsibility. I don't think you need to take drastic measures to punish her.

Would it be a reasonable compromise to say she can have your old phone when she has either found a job, like a paper round, and earned the £109 to buy the phone from you, or done £100-worth of jobs round the house - lawn mowing, car washing, ironing etc, @TokenBritPoshOfCourse?

What I do in these situations is give them a chance to shut up and stop whining.

Tell her to let it go or she's losing the phone she has, then follow through. Tell her again that each time she whines the time before getting it back will be extended by a day.

Taking all her stuff won't teach her anything, when she's reflected on it the fact she's lost the chance of an iPhone will be enough punishment.

How fucking entitled do you have to be to break an iphone SE, strop about being given a Samsung Galaxy to use & then think that the newset phone to arrive would be for you!

Sorry, but I would have had a hard time not to laugh at such a ridiculous assumption.

The disappointment should have been flleting& she should have been laughing at herself & saying a bloody big thank you to Op.

I agree don’t take all her stuff away, she’ll just have an excuse to whinge and moan for days. Ignore, distract and when she’s calm tell her exactly what she is getting (old iPhone or stick with the Samsung).

Take her phone away until she gets back from school tomorrow.

Explain that nice things are early and then give her a list of things she can do washing the car/loading dishwasher etc to earn your old phone.

Just take all phones away from her until she grows up. Who needs an iphone. Ive just left my dumb phone. If you want to get her a phone just get her a cheap pay as you go one for 99p that texts and phones. No internet. Shes shown shes not old enough for anything else.

She jumped to a conclusion when you were opening the new phone, but it is understandable because you said something that was easily misunderstood.

I can understand her being disappointed and upset. You both were in the wrong, imo. But it doesn't excuse her subsequent behaviour. I think you both should apologise, and clear the air.

Once things are calmer, tell her you expect her to pay £50 toward your phone (half the price of what you could sell it for). And then insist she get and use a proper protective case.

If she breaks this next phone, she'll be responsible for replacing it completely.

I assume you don't have insurance for your phones? It is expensive, i know, but maybe worth it for your family?

OP - are you me? Did I post this and forget I'd done it?

Also have another DD with a totally different attitude - it's partly personality, I think. Hopefully only temporary...

Misses point of thread: have you considered phone insurance (we have ours with our bank account).

I'd apologise for the misunderstanding but her reaction was appalling and not okay. She loses the chance of another SE (which I would sell).

‘You care more about money than you do me’

I’m really really trying not to rise to this. Honestly from the tears right now you’d think she was being waterboarded.

She sounds a spoilt brat child and I'm totally with your husband. How dare she expect you to apologise.
You probably spoilt her, I say that as my teenage boys are both like that and I now impose consequences similar to your DH because they don't realise how bloody lucky they are.
Don't you dare apologise.

Phones are covered under the house insurance, I had to pay the excess though and the premiums went up this year.

'I care more about you growing up to be a good person and not an entitled brat than I do about you having a phone'

Some people seem a bit overkeen on punishment on this thread, why would you take her phone away for a month? Totally bizarre way to handle a rude entitled outburst lasting, what, 20 min?
It's to handle the spoilt entitled attitude not the strop

Don't engage, let her have her meltdown and get it out of her system. She's past the point of no return. Total emotional overload.

It's a shit age for them anyway.

Take everything I would. Far too entitled and ungreatful by the sounds of it. Yes at 14/15 we were all raging with hormones and generally a bit cheeky and pushed the boundaries well I know I was.

I also understood my parents had to work bloody hard and save to give us our lifestyle and even then we had a very modest life. This wasnt all that long ago only 10 or so years so it was all phones IPods laptops ect then to.

Send her out to work somewhere even if its jobs around the house and you pay her a little something she has no value or respect for anything.

First - let her stew a bit.
Then acknowledge that the phone delivery was a misunderstanding and yes you can see why she thought it was hers but it isn't. And no amount of tantrum will change that.
Then apologies from DD and clear the air.

Then she saves up for a phone case that will protect your old phone.

Incidently my DD slipped and fell on a spilled drink and smashed her phone. I was glad it was the phone not her face !

My DD always has the newest phone but her pocket money pays for a big % of it. My DS isn't bovvered he just has whatever phone is going.

I am the one on the recieving end of my daughters cast offs , I have not had a new phone in years, just a new-to-me . (Worlds Tiniest Violin)

Peer pressure and teenage hormones have a lot to answer to

your reply to that Token is: No I don't.

I care that you don't understand the value of money.
I care that you don't take care of expensive things.
I care that that you behave in a completely disproportionate way when you don't get what you want.
I care. and I want you to grow up being someone who understands the value and cost of things around you.

the louder she shouts, the quieter you speak.
the more she strops, the more you ignore her.

pop into her room every now and then and ask if she is prepared to discuss this reasonably.

I do think that some of this behaviour has arisen because expensive items are given out rather than as presents for a special occasion or earnt. you might need to rethink your approach for the next couple of years if you want to stop this behaviour.

Luckily we haven’t had this kind of thing from DS but DD is a different kettle of fish.

When it comes to phones, my friend’s DH has made clear to his DCs that the phones are actually his and he is letting them use them and thus comes certain responsibilities. I know it won’t work for everyone but this seems to have worked for them and nipped any nonesense in the bud.

I have upgraded my phone and the new one (iPhone 8) arrived this morning.

You set a bad example.

That’s when I looked up what it’s worth. And she’s back in her room. Argh

I’m sorry, but this made me laugh. A lot. It just sums it up really doesn’t it!

Teenagers can sometimes be vile. Utterly vile. It matters not how they’re brought up, they can pretty much all be horrible at times.

I used to think blaming it on hormones was complete and utter tripe. Until(as an adult a few years ago) my hormones were well out of balance and I had murderous intent if someone looked at me the wrong way. I was raging. It was horrible...

I wasn’t like that as a teenager at all, but I can see how hormones could easily make some teenagers like that.

It’s far better, IMO, to tell them what’s what and treat them like large toddlers...’DD I am very sorry that you thought I meant the iPhone 8 was for you and I can understand that you are angry & upset that it isn’t’. (Or the 6 or whatever). Then leave her alone to get over herself. You’ve acknowledged her feelings, but told her clearly nothing is going to change.

I think, least said - soonest mended really.

There’s no need to escalate the situation by removing her stuff. There’s no need to carry to argument on.

If she starts up again, just calmly tell her that the 8 is yours and you can discuss the 6 if she can do so nicely. If she can’t she can go and cool off in her room.

Patience, staying calm, rising above it - whatever you want to call it, is a far better way to deal with outrage & outbursts of a teen not fully in control if their emotions.

She will appreciate that when she's no longer a hormonal teenager.

I would take phone away and not upgrade it to old one until behavior improves. If its so rubbish anyway surely she won't miss it. I would go for a week though once I get a proper apology and better behavior I shorten that.

I would say she cares more about money than you and I would reply that to her but that's some teenage girls for you, all about image with friends. I wouldn't take everything away otherwise what further sanctions have you got / how will she do homework. I only give phones for birthday and Xmas though do give it in advance. My DD goes like this from time to time and taking phone off works every time and then get the lovely girl she normally is.

speakout. What are you on about? What’s wrong with an adult upgrading their phone?

Oh my god, she sounds like an entitled spoilt brat, I would not give her any more iPhone for a start, there's plenty of cheaper phones that let you download and get online, ...she needs a lesson on the value of money and that she can't have everything that she wants just because she throws a tantrum otherwise she is going to grow up into a awful adult that will be terrible with money (she will want things and have to have them regardless of price)...you need to fix this behaviour now...