Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have gone very very wrong somewhere with DD.

526 replies

TokenBritPoshOfCourse · 10/06/2018 11:50

I am mortified. Dd is 14. Last year I got her and ds1 (15) an iPhone SE each, which happened to be the same phone I had.

She broke hers within a month. I paid for it to be repaired and she broke it again (dropped it both times).

DH upgraded his android phone so she was given his old handset (Samsung galaxy). She has done nothing but moan about it really, the camera is ‘shit’, she can’t download stuff she wants, it’s not an iPhone. We have pulled her up on this every time btw.

I have upgraded my phone and the new one (iPhone 8) arrived this morning. DD was hovering wanting to know what the parcel was and I said, ooh, you’ll be happy because this means you’ll have an iPhone again. She rapidly cycled through thinking I meant the new phone was for her, to realising I meant she could have my old one, to hysterical tears and then utter rage at me.

She has stamped her way around the house yelling that I need to apologise to her because I led her to believe she was getting a new iPhone, that it’s not fair I get a brand new phone and she gets my cast offs, that I’m out of order for getting myself a new phone when mine still works and that she deserves a new one before me.

I just don’t know where to go from here. Obviously she isn’t now getting my ‘old’ phone. I am disgusted by her attitude but I don’t know how to fix this. DH wants to take her phone away entirely, and her laptop, camera, tv etc. She is totally spoilt and entitled and I don’t really know what to do. For context ds1 and ds2 (6) have all the same mod cons but a totally different attitude.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this? She’s been sent to her room but is still raging that I need to apologise to her for ‘leading her on’ thinking she was getting a new iPhone 8.

OP posts:
bobstersmum · 10/06/2018 12:34

She sounds like a right little madam! Show her this thread!

expatinscotland · 10/06/2018 12:35

I'd leave her to stew. Wouldn't give her your old phone, though.

MissConductUS · 10/06/2018 12:37

Don't give her any phone if she has form for dropping them without a protective case. I swear by my Otterbox case.

At 14 the phone is a status symbol for her. If her friends all have iPhones and she has an android she can't facetime with them. I'm not saying she hasn't been a complete brat about it, but there may be a social aspect to it that you're not considering.

DistanceCall · 10/06/2018 12:38

We’ve had a chat but it backfired really, she was all seemingly contrite but then jumped straight to ‘so have you wiped the phone so I can have it?’

She's a child, she's impatient. If she apologised, what else did you expect her to do?

HidingFromDD · 10/06/2018 12:40

Agree with all the others that teenagers throw tantrums as much as toddlers, but with more attitude! Having lived through those years though, I do find that if they were nice going into the teenage years, they're nice once they come out the other end, if they (and you) survive the process!

Oh, and when they start with 'All the other parents...' I just used to reply 'that's because they love their children more than I love you'. Luckily, they know I love them very much, but it did make it very clear that emotional blackmail is absolutely not on :-)

Freaklikemeee · 10/06/2018 12:40

I would ignore the tantrum and carry on as planned. When she's 30-something she will apologise to you about this and many other such incidents. You won't remember any of them. Smile

Slanetylor · 10/06/2018 12:40

But the op was opening the box as she suggested her dd was getting a new phone. It was an easy mistake.
The dd threw a tantrum. Let it go with minimal fuss. If you’re going to start policing a teenagers feelings you’re going to have a long fight ahead.

Mandatorymongoose · 10/06/2018 12:41

It's horrible being a teenager.

It's really difficult to just 'get a job' at 14 and you're in full time education anyway.

If I (as an adult) broke my phone, which I have done in the past, I'd either be able to get a new one or at least plan and save for one. I'd also have been sad, disappointed in myself for being careless and for wasting money.

At 14 there is nothing you can do other than rely on the kindness of people who are now angry at you for breaking it. It's pretty frustrating having no control, no way to fix things.

snewname · 10/06/2018 12:41

Tbh I'd apologise for the miscommunication but I'd be showing her my total disapproval for her overreaction to it. There is no point talking to her until she is calmed down though. Let her stew then when she's calm, have a calm conversation about your disappointment that she feels so entitled. Finish with giving her a chance to think about how she could have handled it and a chance to earn back your old phone in a few weeks time.

theWarOnPeace · 10/06/2018 12:42

I was a total nightmare at your DDs age, and promise I’m not a wrong’un now. I would never treat anyone like that now, and would consider myself fair, humble and generous. Teens aren’t really the adults they’ll become, but need to be kept in line while their understanding of themselves and the world around them is being formed, of course. My mum came down hard, things were taken away, even thrown in the bin. The answer was always the same - “don’t like it, get a job!”.

KERALA1 · 10/06/2018 12:42

I bet all the "pile on" posters don't have teens, or have little toddlers Grin.

Calmly say how upset you are with how she has behaved and until she stops channelling Veruca Salt you will hang onto her phone. When she's ready to apologise she can have it back.

longtallwalker · 10/06/2018 12:47

Is it just the phone thing or is she a nightmare in other ways? How does she deal with people
Other than you? Her siblings? Any trouble from her at school. If not then firstly count your blessings: the bad behaviour is hinged round the phone. Deal with that calmly and in a contained manner.

Pengggwn · 10/06/2018 12:48

She is definitely being a brat, but I think your words when opening a brand new iPhone in front of a teenager were very thoughtless. Sorry. Of course she thought it was for her.

Her general behaviour is very entitled, so you are obviously doing the right thing by making her wait.

diddl · 10/06/2018 12:49

You'd take the phone away because according to her it's shit-so she obviously doesn't want it, does she?

There's no point in her having Op's old iphone as she doesn't appear to be able to look after one!

NoStraightEdges · 10/06/2018 12:49

She's just being a teenager. I'd tell her that her attitude stinks and when's she's ready to talk normally you'll discuss what's happened with her. She needs to know that there's a line she doesn't cross and teaching her where the line is is what you've got to do now. I'd make her earn her stuff back.

But remember, being 14 is tough, I don't know of anywhere she could realistically get a job, she's reliant on your good will and she needs to remember that!

bubbles108 · 10/06/2018 12:49

She's disappointed and handled the disappointment badly.

  1. Explain to her that she needs to learn how to deal with disappointment because she's 14 not 5
  1. Tell her that you love her and that whilst you understand that she's disappointed, as her mum you have to help her learn stuff
  1. Tell her that she can have your old phone but as it's worth £100 she needs to buy it off you for £50
  1. Help her find ways of earning the £50 (doing jobs around the house that she wouldn't normally be expected to do eg)
  1. Tell her that you love her and that you understand her anger and disappointment but that you have to teach her to handle these things - that's part of your role
Earlybird · 10/06/2018 12:51

I'd make her do without a phone for a week for being rude and bratty. Having an expensive phone is a privilege, not a right.

Does she have any money of her own? Maybe make her pay half of the £100 you could get by selling your old phone. Perhaps if she has a personal investment in the phone, she'll be more careful. I wouldn't make her pay for a new phone on her own - as a teenager it would take her forever to earn that sort of money. But maybe let her know - in advance - that if she breaks this next one, she'll be responsible for getting herself another.

As an aside - does she not have the phone in a case? Seems that might help her preserve her phone longer.....I have dropped my phone several times, but a solid case has stopped it from breaking.

Lockheart · 10/06/2018 12:52

Does she have any concept of how many hours work goes into affording a phone like that? I mean I'm on nearly £30k and I take home £75 a day after tax, so it would be at least 10-11 hours work for me to afford the £100, and much more for a brand new phone obviously.

Perhaps put it to her that because of her behaviour that you are not willing to give her the phone, but offer her the chance to earn it by doing X amount of hours chores around the home. Work out whatever "hourly rate" you think is reasonable.

If she wants the phone that badly, she'll do it. Either way, she will hopefully learn that these things are worked hard for and not something that just falls into your lap (unless you are extremely lucky!).

mummymeister · 10/06/2018 12:52

I agree with the other posters who say don't go into hard on this otherwise where will you go if she really goes off the rails! FWIW to me this sounds like a pretty minor teen tantrum and if she is 14 you had better get used to them because this is her pushing the boundaries and being self centred. all teens are like this. some of them take drugs, sleep around, drop out of school - your teen isn't doing any of these. so your reaction needs to be proportionate.

You know your phone is worth £100. so if she wants it then she either pays for it with her own money or she works at doing chores in the house. each chore is worth £X amount - we used to say 50p - £3 depending on what it was, and when she has done enough to build up credit then she can, if she wants to buy the phone off of you.

I have to say that things like expensive phones, laptops and cameras are given as Christmas and birthday presents in our house, not just randomly and that goes for me and dh as well. if they are just something you buy at anytime then maybe she doesn't see them as the expensive and big deal that they are. but hey, I am an old mum and perhaps more on the strict side in some things than others.

MrsJayy · 10/06/2018 12:53

Where are all these 14 year olds working just out of curiosity. The only jobs for 14 year olds when mine were 14 was deliveri g the free paper .

Maybe83 · 10/06/2018 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SabineUndine · 10/06/2018 12:57

She’s broken two? Tell her she earns the next, either doing Saturday jobs or doing housework at home. And if you’re not happy with the standard of the housework she repeats it until you are.

SleepFreeZone · 10/06/2018 12:59

Wow!

Armchairanarchist · 10/06/2018 13:01

I could've almost written this. I think mine are fairly fortunate too. They have all the gadgets but DS 14's SE is due for an upgrade and he wants an iPhone X. I'm astounded his friends have them and Apple watches, I've seen them. He says he'll settle for an 8!!

Pumpkin1975 · 10/06/2018 13:02

Not sure I have the answer, but I can offer sympathy! My DS, almost 14, is very much like this. He and my DH have got into some horrible shouting matches over this sort of thing. I think deep down he does understand he’s behaving like an entitled brat, but his desire to be the one with latest stuff in his friend group overrides his common sense and logic. To be fair he has done a paper round for the last six months to pay off his contribution to a ‘better’ PC for Christmas, although the huffing and puffing to go out and get it done has been something to behold. Don’t beat yourself up about your parenting OP, I think if you continue to emphasise the right values it will sink in eventually.