I have gone very very wrong somewhere with DD.

[TokenBritPoshOfCourse]

I am mortified. Dd is 14. Last year I got her and ds1 (15) an iPhone SE each, which happened to be the same phone I had.

She broke hers within a month. I paid for it to be repaired and she broke it again (dropped it both times).

DH upgraded his android phone so she was given his old handset (Samsung galaxy). She has done nothing but moan about it really, the camera is ‘shit’, she can’t download stuff she wants, it’s not an iPhone. We have pulled her up on this every time btw.

I have upgraded my phone and the new one (iPhone 8) arrived this morning. DD was hovering wanting to know what the parcel was and I said, ooh, you’ll be happy because this means you’ll have an iPhone again. She rapidly cycled through thinking I meant the new phone was for her, to realising I meant she could have my old one, to hysterical tears and then utter rage at me.

She has stamped her way around the house yelling that I need to apologise to her because I led her to believe she was getting a new iPhone, that it’s not fair I get a brand new phone and she gets my cast offs, that I’m out of order for getting myself a new phone when mine still works and that she deserves a new one before me.

I just don’t know where to go from here. Obviously she isn’t now getting my ‘old’ phone. I am disgusted by her attitude but I don’t know how to fix this. DH wants to take her phone away entirely, and her laptop, camera, tv etc. She is totally spoilt and entitled and I don’t really know what to do. For context ds1 and ds2 (6) have all the same mod cons but a totally different attitude.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this? She’s been sent to her room but is still raging that I need to apologise to her for ‘leading her on’ thinking she was getting a new iPhone 8.

I really don’t agree with selling the iPhone.

She was being an entitled twat and having a tantrum.

So take away all her things until she is grateful then give them back. She can earn the new iPhone, lots of chores and good behaviour.

If you sell the iPhone she will just continue to be a ‘hard done by’ brat.

Use this to your advantage.

Oh, and she’ll spoil the family meal you spend the money on.

Bad choice.

Just read this thread half grinning and thinking I have this to look forward to with dd, almost 10. She’s got dh’s old 5 and only really needs a phone because I want to be able to keep in touch when she goes away.

I think you’re pretty strict yourself to have decided not to give the old phone to your dd afterall. Yes she was entitled. Idk what I will be doing in 4 years time with my dd obvs. But I was going to suggest giving her the phone on the proviso that if she broke the phone, she gets to give you/earn the £100 to pay for it and in addition she’d then have to go back to the android. Ergo it would be your phone but on loan so to speak.

Natural consequences. So yes - no old iPhone. Explain she's blown that one. Nothing more. Ignore raging.

If she can't get a local part time job could you afford to pay her to work around the house? Not made up jobs, things you might genuinely pay for, and ideally a commitment with a "salary" so you can rely on her and she can rely on the income

My 13 year old gets paid to cook one family meal per week, which includes meal planning, checking what ingredients we have and adding anything she needs to the shopping list at least two days before. She also (at her own suggestion) get 50 cents per load of family laundry which she fetches from the laundry basket, washes and folds (she doesn't have to iron it or put it away) she is so efficient that I no longer do any laundry! She makes 7€ a week with the laundry and another 3€ with the cooking, on top of her 7€ per week pocket money and I give her all of it at once monthly so she actually has a very healthy income for her age! She could, say, save up for a second hand iPhone in two months. (We're android fans here though, and none of us have ever broken an Android phone by dropping it - I'm pretty clumsy and drop mine fairly often but have never broken one. iPhones sound ridiculously fragile!) I am delighted to hand the money over as her work genuinely makes my life juggling work, study and family easier for me! She also says she likes folding laundry while watching her serieses on her phone

Ever heard the saying ‘what you get for moving is worth nothkng’

Your daughter is not appreciating being handed an expensive phone, getting the one she was careless with fixed or the offer of a new (to her) iPhone.

Cut back on handouts, make your kids work (whether that’s by helping in the home, showing good behaviour and doing all required for school).

I haven’t always practised what I’m sating here and I too learnt that lesson the hard way.

You’re not doing them any favours as the world / public at large will not simply give to kids

Agree with ds too.

Although when she dropped it first time why didn't you as the parent get the protective screen and case?
Both ds and I have these as we've both dropped and broken phones before. It happens.

You care more about money than you do me

And your daughter cares more about her phone...

You must be having a miserable Sunday OP - hope you can get through it relatively unscathed; they’re not 14 for ever..

Why doesn't she have a phone case? If she has an expensive smart phone then she gets a case surely? (misses point of thread )

Nokia 100 comes to mind.

No you didn't call my first thought was this too - especially as I've also dropped and smashed my own phone 🤦🏼‍♀️.

Ds and I have the shared contract. When he upgraded they only offered better than I had. He was told he was swapping! When I upgraded this month they offered same phone as his contract with better data deal with same cost monthly. So he got a better phone and I sold my iPhone and bought him the racing jammers for Swimming he's been hankering after!

Delayed gratification is so hard to teach though and my ds is quite laid back with regards to having things. It's not as easy when they have the sort of personality like your Dd where the world ends 🤣

Take it all away, she can only rage for so long. You might get some peace if she does some of it in her room and she might have to turn to books or something to entertain herself instead.

Should add I sold the phone with my contract - not my better phone I use from his contract! He has the same phone but his is my contracted phone.

You are not doing her any favours if you cave in and get her an upgrade. I would be saying to my daughter that I am disappointed that she feels that she can speak to me so disrespectfully and that she is taking the proverbial.
I would leave her to stew for a couple of days then sit down and have a very serious talk with her about her attitude and behaviour. I would set some behavioural ideals and remind her every time that she has choices to make.

She had a case and screen protector! She still managed to smash it.

She drives us mad by leaving her phone in th emiddle of the floor, edge of tables, on the sofa. It’s a constant bone of contention.

www.amazon.co.uk/C-Super-Mall-UK-Embossed-Butterfly-Pattern-purple/dp/B01IBBNGXM/ref=sr_1_19?keywords=iPhone+se+case&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1528640252&sr=8-19

Its probably peer pressure and she's really frustrated. But because she broke it twice id leave her with the old handset for a bit to she learns some respect.

"She drives us mad by leaving her phone in th emiddle of the floor, edge of tables, on the sofa."

Wonder if she would do that if she had paid for it?

Really though if they have access to a laptop for homework, kids surely only need a basic phone(if anything)?

I have an old Nokia-looks like the 100, but is older.

I love it!

I can make calls & that's all I want!

14 is the height of awful teen behaviour for girls!

I agree with diddl - she'd soon take more care if she had to pay for it! I'm on my third iphone and haven't broken or had any problems with any of them, because I take care of them. DSS however - different story!

I think you're doing the right thing OP. a Galaxy is hardly slumming it in terms of phones, she is being a spoilt brat (much as most 14 year olds are I suspect, I know I was hideous) and she needs to learn what sort of behaviour is more likely to get her what she wants.

So. I’m selling the SE. Funds will go towards a day out or meal out or something tangible for the whole family. DD can keep the Galaxy. I will consider letting her upgrade at the end of her contract but it’s not a given

Sounds like a perfect route to take, especially with the "something for the whole family" from the SE proceeds

I really hope she doesn't whine that "what we've spent today could have gone towards the phone", but if she's on notice to improve her behaviour that wouldn't be wise, would it?

She broke hers so she should find some way to pay for replacement. That's what we did my dd. She saved her pocket money, did some chores and used her bday money. She looks after her new phone much better. I think she confused her first phone with a bouncy ball she dropped it so much. I think it's good for them to learn value of things.

Maybe she's embarrassed? I think this kind of thing matters a lot - to them, if not their peers, at this age.

It was quite silly to build up her hopes like that. I don't think extreme punishments like a technology ban would be effective in this case. She's being irrational. Big punishments allow her to paint you as such!

She's a teen. Her emotions are a bit OTT at the moment. When you rise to it, you don't only lose dignity but give her ammo. Reply with a cheerful "well, if it's that awful, you won't want it then" when she complains.

She had a case and screen protector! She still managed to smash it.

She drives us mad by leaving her phone in th emiddle of the floor, edge of tables, on the sofa. It’s a constant bone of contention.

Ah, that makes it different. Then tell her that if she manages to take good care of her Galaxy AND she apologises for her behaviour AND doesn't behave like a spoilt brat, you will consider updating her phone at the end of the contract. And then, IF she has done this, get her an SE (absolutely not an iPhone 8!)

I wouldn't remove all tech - it leaves you nowhere to go next time she is really rude. I like the idea of her earning the new phone with chores - might give her an appreciation of what it's worth.
You are not alone though. My 10 year old kicked off yesterday because I said no to something. Had already spent the whole day doing activities with her. But from the amount of crying, you'd think her head had fallen off! We had accusations of how she never did anything fun, how her brothers get to do everything (they are 18 & 21) and she doesn't. I have spent the last 2 weekends taking her to do her hobbies!
Anyway, we banned tech for a day, and made it clear that being rude and stroppy for no reason has consequences.

I do think kids are under enormous peer pressure to have the 'right' stuff and it's hard for them. But if you give her everything, she will expect it as her due and never learn to value and care for her things.

If you can afford to waste a few pounds I would buy a PAYG mobile from Tescos (£15), top it up with £10 give it to your DD and tell her she gets none of her items back until she apologises for being a spoilt brat and means it. I would also expect some chores to be done.

Agree with PPs. You need to keep calm, she needs some consequences.
I have had x2 DCs that are now older than teens, so have lived through these years.
Devil's advocate - should anyone be paid for doing jobs around the house? Isn't that just part of being in a family? I can see both sides to this one!
If you do get her to do jobs for payment, make sure you only pay NMW for her age (£3.50??) not multiples of it, and make sure it's a job that genuinely needs to be done. Otherwise you might as well just give her the darn phone.