I have gone very very wrong somewhere with DD.

[TokenBritPoshOfCourse]

I am mortified. Dd is 14. Last year I got her and ds1 (15) an iPhone SE each, which happened to be the same phone I had.

She broke hers within a month. I paid for it to be repaired and she broke it again (dropped it both times).

DH upgraded his android phone so she was given his old handset (Samsung galaxy). She has done nothing but moan about it really, the camera is ‘shit’, she can’t download stuff she wants, it’s not an iPhone. We have pulled her up on this every time btw.

I have upgraded my phone and the new one (iPhone 8) arrived this morning. DD was hovering wanting to know what the parcel was and I said, ooh, you’ll be happy because this means you’ll have an iPhone again. She rapidly cycled through thinking I meant the new phone was for her, to realising I meant she could have my old one, to hysterical tears and then utter rage at me.

She has stamped her way around the house yelling that I need to apologise to her because I led her to believe she was getting a new iPhone, that it’s not fair I get a brand new phone and she gets my cast offs, that I’m out of order for getting myself a new phone when mine still works and that she deserves a new one before me.

I just don’t know where to go from here. Obviously she isn’t now getting my ‘old’ phone. I am disgusted by her attitude but I don’t know how to fix this. DH wants to take her phone away entirely, and her laptop, camera, tv etc. She is totally spoilt and entitled and I don’t really know what to do. For context ds1 and ds2 (6) have all the same mod cons but a totally different attitude.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this? She’s been sent to her room but is still raging that I need to apologise to her for ‘leading her on’ thinking she was getting a new iPhone 8.

I haven't got a phone at all, how do I survive I do recall stories of childhood pre phones.

Stop buying them such expensive phones in the first place. It sets a bad precedent

This ^^. Crazy.

she was all seemingly contrite but then jumped straight to ‘so have you wiped the phone so I can have it?’

Oh dear - so there's no point in handing her a phone after an apology, since that too probably won't be meant

I'm with your DH too; take it all away until she proves through better behaviour that she's learned some respect ... not just for your sake, but her own

Teen's are just like toddlers with better vocalbary.

Well... Sometimes!!!

She certainly shouldn't have a decent new phone until she is prepared to look after it. Perhaps she could do babysitting (or would she drop the baby?), paper round or chores around the house to earn soe towards a phone with the understanding that if/when she drops it, she has to buy a new one herself.

I think a balance needs to be found here. Yes she has behaved badly whether she misunderstood what you said or not. But if you take away all tech and go completely draconian then it gives you nowhere to go in the future when it is something more serious. Punishments should really be proportionate to what has happened.

She could earn the phone through good behaviour or something similar. Take the tech away if that is what you want to do but give her a chance to earn it back. Wait until things aren’t so charged to talk again. I remember how it was to be a teenage girl and I was a demon at points.

I will say that all the people saying to get Saturday jobs must live somewhere away from here. No one hires teenagers anymore around here. All the paper rounds and corner shop jobs are taken by unemployed adults. Same with ASDA etc.

If it's any consolation OP, I had a similar teen with equally brattish behaviour.
She is 19, and apologised recently for her spoiled selfish behaviour. .
All teenage girls can be little toads at times.

I know it is a new world from when I was young but I cannot imagine my parents being able to afford any type of phone for me and even if they could, if I then broke it ...I would have been severely punished for it!

Another one here with a DD (now almost 18) who i went through hell with for four years about this sort of stuff. Its absolutely emotionally exhausting. I don't think you have gone wrong - but I guarantee you will be setting yourself up for some major unpleasantness for the next foreseeable if you don't sort it/set some rules now. I let things slide with my DD as it was easier to "give in" at around age 14 (she hadn't yet morphed into the total teen from hell) and have honestly had years of hell with her sense of entitlement and attitude. I really wish I'd been stricter when it started. She's coming out of the other end now but its been awful at times. DS 1 is the absolute opposite. Good luck

Sorry just reread your OP.
Your SIX year old son has similar technology?Why would a 6 year old need this?

I wouldn’t make this an escalating battle. You said she could have your SE so that ‘s what she can have.

But I would say any breakages or repairs will need to be paid for by her.

I would just keep really calm, don’t engage with her when she is raging, just hold your line.

DS2 doesn’t have a phone! But he has access to the iPad, ‘his’ telly in the family room, PS4, Nintendo switch etc. DS1 has his phone, pc, tv. Neither of the boys are particularly stroppy or entitled about stuff though. I just meant that they are all equally as privileged, really.

I don’t think you did anything wrong, OP. You upgraded your phone. Your money, you do what you want with it. Why shouldn’t you get an upgrade? Your dd does sound spoilt, tho. Having a tantrum because mum has got a new phone is very entitled. I would be punishing in a way that hits her hard. No tech for a week?

And I should have added - you haven't gone wrong. Not at all. She's decided this will be a battle ground. Perhaps she even feels a bit guilty or embarassed so is hitting out. Just don't let the war escalate!
Go easy on yourself

I think providing all this tech doesn’t help.

Round here every teen iPhone amongst Dcs’ friends are parents old phones, they get laptops for secondary and none have their own iPads. Unless hand me downs. But then if kids see parents obsessed with getting the latest phone .....

While I wouldn't go removing all her tech as some have suggested because I think that just escalates things, I also don't subscribe to the "Oh she's just being a teenager, ignore" attitude that some people take.

She's not a toddler, she's 14 years of age and capable of understanding that the world doesn't revolve around her and that other people have feelings too. Pitching a shit fit like this because you've dared to buy yourself a phone is absolutely ridiculous and that's before you even consider how many flipping phones you've provided her with!

In your shoes I would tell her very firmly that I have had enough, she's not getting either phone and I'm not discussing it any further. Then go into a different room or out for a walk so you don't rise to it, let her tantrum away.

I don't think you should beat yourself up about "where have we gone wrong with her" but in the nicest possible way this might be a point at which you and DH consider whether you have spoilt/indulged her a bit and whether you want to change things a little. I know we all want to give our dc the best but honestly, the entitled behaviour, carelessness and attitude you've described suggests that expensive stuff is taken for granted because it comes to her so easily.

I don't understand why teenagers have iphones at all??? Dd won't be getting one until she gets a job and pays for it herself, even then I'd discourage it.

I suggest you go absolutely BATSHIT and tell her exactly how disgusted you are with her spoiled, selfish, HIDEOUS attitude and to stay in her room for a very long time, because you just really don't want to see her.

Please don't do this. Speaking as someone who was told to "get out of my sight", "get out of my life" etc, it can feel awful for her and it will, if anything, make her worse because she'll feel entitled to treat you like that, especially at that age.

NameChanger why would you discourage it?
In this situation, while the OP could get money by selling her own phone, it costs her nothing to give DD an iPhone. Why shouldn’t she? (Assuming DD behaves, obviously).
I’m with the gently, gently posters. Withhold the iphone until you are happy she appreciates it (whether via doing jobs to earn it or some other method) and have a talk about her attitude. Insist on a proper case for safety. Don’t wage all out war, it won’t help and will leave you no escalation space.

Standard teenage stuff, IMO. Your job is to stay calm and reasonable and help steer her back onto the right path.

Taking away all her tech is way over the top and sounds like you are trying to put her in her place rather than helping her learn how to control her emotions.

We've had pretty much the same argument this weekend, my daughter behaved appallingly and said some pretty shitty things yesterday, but I can see the root of her desire to have what some of her friends have. It doesn't make her entitled, it just makes her bad at dealing with those feelings of insecurity, envy, etc at the moment. I didn't deal with it perfectly, but it's over and done with. She apologised this morning (unprompted) after she'd thought about it a bit and today I've helped her do something else and deal with other things she's uncertain about, something I wouldn't have been able to do if we'd escalated it further.

What does a successful outcome look like here? For me it would be not shelling out a fortune for a new phone and her having another tool in the box for when the same feelings arise. Is your approach going to achieve that?

It's quite useful to the parent fir the teen to have a smart phone. If they travel they can look up their own train time tables. Apps deliver their tickets and map their routes. It's the modern world.
We adults have access to it.
If we expect our young adults to be independent they sort of need the tools.
If they have a bank account they can manage their own money.
It frees the parent from some
If that admin tedium.
Once they start uni open days they can navigate the whole thing themselves

What are you on about? What’s wrong with an adult upgrading their phone?

Annie- because no one "needs" an iphone8.

Because children copy parents.

I'm astounded that so many posters on here think that it's "understandable" that a 14 year old would jump to the conclusion that a brand new iPhone 8 would be for them.

No way in a million years would my kids think that for one moment. Any phone replacement would be discussed at length, such as how they were going to afford it/look after it etc.

Sorry, but I doubt this is an isolated instance of entitlement/being spoilt.

I agree with Mandatorymongoose’s post about frustration and feeling powerless when you’re 14, can’t get a job and are dependent on your parents (who are currently furious with you) to keep up with peer pressure AND avoid bullying for your lack of cool equipment.

One way is to be completely OUT of that system by not having anything remotely cool (that’s the road I took with DC1 who is 20 and still not remotely interested) but once you start buying into the system it’s very hard to keep up.

In your situation, OP, I would promise your old phone to DD at the start of the Summer holidays, on the condition that her behaviour and school grades are acceptable to you and DH. The same condition applies to keeping it.

BTW we have the “phone of shame” (OAP model used as our home phone) for just these situations!

Good point about outcomes, and that’s something I’m mindful of a lot. DH is a lot stricter than me and I often say to him to think about what we are trying to achieve.

So. I’m selling the SE. Funds will go towards a day out or meal out or something tangible for the whole family. DD can keep the Galaxy. I will consider letting her upgrade at the end of her contract but it’s not a given.

Keep calm and keep calmly repeating yourself till she listens. You're the adult. Don't go batshit, just be serene but firm.