To think my attempts to avoid co-sleeping were not "ridiculous"?

[AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered]

DS was a horrendous sleeper from birth - for the first 3 months of his life he slept no more than 45 minutes at a time, and wanted to bf constantly. To avoid co-sleeping whilst shattered (a dangerous risk of suffocating the baby accidentally) I used to pace around the room, sit upright with no backrest, and (when I was close to falling asleep) snap an elastic band on my wrist to keep me awake.

I never usually discuss this with friends, horses for courses etc. but a friend of mine has a baby 7months younger than DS (who is 10 months old now) and asked me what the nights were like. I was honest and explained what I'd been through to me be told that I was "ridiculous" and should "get off my high horse" because most parents co-sleep.

AIBU to be upset and to think that no, most parents do not co-sleep when shattered because it's unsafe?!

I don't think you were ridiculous, however, she might have felt judged and reacted defensively. Try not to take it personally.

I used to. When I was desperate for sleep I couldn't see any alternative

It’s defi unsafe to fall asleep somewhere you weren’t planning to with the baby like a sofa. I would say that the jury is still out on planned cosleeping, baby next to you no pillows, no blankets near them etc. It’s meant to be safest if you are breastfeeding, you are very unlikely to actually roll into the baby so the most important thing is a flat firm mattress and no bedding near the baby. I think a lot of people when they are as exhausted as you were go for this option rather than trying to stay awake.

I attempted co sleeping, twice I woke to find my baby almost under me. YANBU

Anecdotally MOST of my friends co-slept on and off in the first three months to preserve their sanity. I breastfed and co-slept with both, and they both transitioned to a cot nicely and have slept through the night without any serious sleep training.
At 4 months DS1 would Breastfeed a couple of times at night, latch off and go off to sleep without me actually waking up.
If I was your friend I would feel very sorry for you. And wonder why you went to such extreme lengths to avoid co sleeping. But not say anything.

Not ridiculous at all! A dead baby isn’t ridiculous. You knew you were exhausted and made sure not to fall asleep on your baby. That’s what parenting is- keeping your baby alive. Co-sleeping, done properly, can work well but you knew you were too tired. You were responsible.

I know plenty who co-slept, especially when tired....that's why they co-slept! So they could get some sleep.
Personally I didn't co-slept as DH smokes but also take medication which can make him drowsy both of which are a huge no-no when co-sleeping. That and DS didn't need to co-sleep. He was actually much better at sleeping when left alone!

But that's exactly why people co-sleep because they're so shattered

I didn’t want to co sleep for fear of suffocating baby as I was exhausted but then I started to dread the night and got v ill
I’m the end I sat propped up with pillows blocked off all gaps he could have gone into and breastfed him and slept
I was terrified and tried using a snuza hero on him too bet he had reflux so it kept alarming
I found I slept but not properly almost like I was partially still awake the slightest thing would rouse me

Each to their own, not ridiculous. I found I got much much more sleep by co sleeping safely with my terrible sleeper. I believe it was much safer, for us, because falling asleep in a chair and potentially dropping baby on the floor felt like it might be more dangerous than falling asleep in a bed without any obstructions. Worked very well for us, and most people in my area do co sleep but that is no reason to judge someone who does things differently.

Of course, had you co-slept before getting so shattered you may not have been so shattered in the first place.

I co-slept and at the time (DSs are 9 and 13 now, so a while ago!) the health visitor gave me a leaflet about it. They were both in bed with me the first 3 years of life and no problems. It seems to more be a problem if you fall asleep on the sofa with them.

I’ve co slept with all of mine. I co sleep safety and breastfeed.

I was like you with my first but now agree with your friend.

I have a Fitbit and it’s amazing the results. Even when I’m shattered if baby is next to me I only slightly sleep. As soon as DH takes baby downstairs in the morning the Fitbit shows I fall into a deep sleep.

All mammals cosleep and breastfeed. They don’t suffocate their babies. If we weren’t meant to co sleep why do we get an overwhelming feeling of tiredness when we feed.

The health visitor leaflet was about it being safe btw, she always knew and was fine with it. It is much easier if breastfeeding, they used to feeds lots in the night and never needed to much in the day. I miss it now.

I coslept will all of mine. Then moved them into a co sleeping cot, then a cot etc. Loved sleeping with my babies.

You would probably have been less shattered if you’d co-slept regularly. DD2 was in my bed from day 1 and the newborn stage was easy peasy in terms of everyone getting enough sleep.

I co-slept with my baby and was never tired because I co-slept. If I’d done it sporadically then yes I may have been over tired. DS had free access to bf all night and barely disturbed me. If I was your friend I’d think you sound quite judgy and should do your research.

You don't need people to validate whether your opinions on co sleeping are valid or not. You made the right choice for you and your family, therefore it is the correct choice

Just because someone has a different opinion doesn't make either of you correct or incorrect. It's an opinion.

(FWIW I co slept with DD for a couple of sporadic nights. It made no difference. What I adored was putting her on DH's side of the bed when he left for work in the morning and sleeping a little longer. I miss that deeply.)

I feel a bit sorry for you. I think you went through all that a little unnecessarily. Could you not have taken the side off the cot and lashed it to your side of the bed? There is a medium course between what you went through and co sleeping.

If you said that co-sleeping was dangerous then I can see why your friend may have felt defensive and as if you were criticising her, maybe that's why she said the upsetting things. I don't think either of you are wrong, it's just a personal choice.

All mammals cosleep and breastfeed. They don’t suffocate their babies. If we weren’t meant to co sleep why do we get an overwhelming feeling of tiredness when we feed

How does that tally with women like me who breastfed and tried co sleeping but found the baby almost suffocated?

And no, I wasn’t shattered, I’m just a very heavy sleeper.

YANBU! I've never done co-sleeping, largely due to my ex's extreme grumpiness. It's one of the few effects of his attitude that I'm grateful for. My friends who have resorted to co sleeping are now struggling to establish independent sleep with their dcs. . Getting yourself off to sleep and being ok if you wake up in the night are important life skills.

I think this is the leaflet I had if it helps any. As it says

Bringing your baby into bed with you means that you can breastfeed in comfort. This may be why mothers who share a bed with their baby tend to breastfeed for longer than those who don't.

breastfeedingmadesimple.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/sharingbedleaflet.pdf

I was the same, i’d go down stairs, put all the lights on and put the TV on and sit bolt upright to avoid falling asleep by accident. I'd also sit upright in bed and play candy crush for hours to stop me nodding off. I know I can be a deep sleeper and I was so tired I just didn't want to risk it. I felt much more comfortable going to great lengths not to nod off than co-sleeping so that's what I did. I know people manage to to do it and nothing happens but I was just too anxious and didn't fee comfortable doing it so I did what worked best for me. It was tough but was only for a short time (relatively speaking) and you just do what you gotta do in those early months!

It was never a problem with mine independant sleeping, they were happy to move into their own beds when ready.