To think my attempts to avoid co-sleeping were not "ridiculous"?

[AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered]

DS was a horrendous sleeper from birth - for the first 3 months of his life he slept no more than 45 minutes at a time, and wanted to bf constantly. To avoid co-sleeping whilst shattered (a dangerous risk of suffocating the baby accidentally) I used to pace around the room, sit upright with no backrest, and (when I was close to falling asleep) snap an elastic band on my wrist to keep me awake.

I never usually discuss this with friends, horses for courses etc. but a friend of mine has a baby 7months younger than DS (who is 10 months old now) and asked me what the nights were like. I was honest and explained what I'd been through to me be told that I was "ridiculous" and should "get off my high horse" because most parents co-sleep.

AIBU to be upset and to think that no, most parents do not co-sleep when shattered because it's unsafe?!

Re OP’s DS’s comments, I thought babies that died of suffocation (on sofa, bed or otherwise) were classed as SIDS victims as she says?

They're soft, aren't they? Co-sleeping guidelines say not to have any pillows around the baby and that they should be on a firm, flat surface. I also think that as it's soft it isn't much of a barrier for you to roll onto them, unlike e.g. the hard wooden/plastic sides of a bedside cot.

Lastly it introduces a layer of separation/distance between you and the baby which means it's not really co-sleeping; I'm of the belief that the protective aspect of co-sleeping comes from the fact you're very aware and in contact with them, so something between you, to me, is a no-no unless it has a specific barrier function (like the bedside cot).

I'm not really reassured that there's never been a death associated with them as they have only been available for a few years.

BUT - my feeling about the instinct/awareness/distance thing is just a feeling, I can't point to any research which confirms it. And as I've never used a sleepyhead myself I may be misunderstanding what one really is. It just reminds me of how a few years ago people used to happily state that they'd cosleep with baby in a sleeping bag on top of the duvet which felt really unsafe to me too.

They're soft, aren't they? Co-sleeping guidelines say not to have any pillows around the baby and that they should be on a firm, flat surface. I also think that as it's soft it isn't much of a barrier for you to roll onto them, unlike e.g. the hard wooden/plastic sides of a bedside cot.

It's closer to the firmness of a new bath sponge or a pool noodle, and the material is breathable. We use one (though not in our bed - first in a side-bed cot and then in another room), and I don't regret buying it, but there is an ongoing lack of consensus about whether or not it's a sleep positioner/unsafe/whatever.

I think people are missing the point of the post. OP isn’t asking if co-sleeping is good or bad, she is saying it didn’t work for HER and she didn’t want to do it, and asking if therefore her friend’s rude comments were unreasonable. Which they were. Telling her what you did doesn’t justify her then being judgemental and rude. Co-sleeping works for some people and doesn’t for others and there is no right or wrong, and unless you told her co-sleeping was wrong in general (doesn’t sound like you did) then YANBU. Wish people would leave other people alone and stop thinking doing things differently means criticism of their own parenting.

@crispysausagerolls if OP spouted the same bullshit to her friends as she did on here,can't blame the friend for reacting the way she did.

Co-sleeping is the norm in countries like Japan, where the rate of SIDS is very low. Planned co-sleeping is safe imo. Accidental co-sleeping is not.

You sound as judgemental as your friend to be honest.
Co-sleeping is fine if you strictly follow the rules
You didn't want to do that and that's fine. Just because your Dsis is a paed doesn't make her the Oracle.
You did what you needed to do. So do those that co-sleep. Leave it at that.

If you know your friend co-sleeps and then ranted at her the way you have posted then I think her response is entirely predicable and fair enough.

In my opinion, the extremes you went to are incredibly dangerous. You cannot prevent your body going to sleep when you are tired enough. It's why people fall asleep driving. Its why people nod off and drop their phones. you weren't holding a phone, you were holding a baby. add on the oxytocin released during BF let down which is a relaxant and you are probably more lucky than right.

It’s nit ridiculous!

We do sleep
And follow the safe sleeping guidelines so it’s perfectky safe

You didn’t feel safe so you did it differently.

To each their own, both right.

I was the same. I am a seriously deep sleeper.. And I told the midwives that dh woke much sooner than me when baby dd was crying. They agreed it might well not be safe for me to co sleep. So with all 3 I never did and wished I could..!

To answer your OP, if you said you decided not to co-sleep because it wasn’t for you and your friend then harped on about it, then you are not being unreasonable. Your friend shouldn’t be judging you.

However, if you said even just 10% of the bollocks you are spouting on here such as the copious amounts of dead babies your SIL has dealt with and the causes of death being fabricated, then your friend was not unreasonable to tell you to piss off.

I fainted due to exhaustion from sleep deprivation, it can be a killer. I didnt cosleep in the same bed with my newborn only when hitting toddler years because of my own anxiety over it. I did have next to you bed though.

About half my antenatal group coslept, 1 had the baby in her own room from day 1 and the rest had moses or next to you cribs. All the different options.

I did think your friend sounded unreasonable but from your updates you sound very judgy and i wonder if you were condescending and rude to her because she wants to cosleep.

Absolutely not. You were alert and conscious to what was important.

Ps when her baby is still co sleeping at 5 she won't be so patronising.

crispysausagerolls it depends if that was what happened or if the OP did start saying everything she has been saying in the updates and made it clear to her friend that she judged and found her lacking as a parent for considering. Then she is lucky all she got was those few words.

From the Opening post i was about to say the same as you but her updates set a different tone

My dd is 3 and doesn't cosleep anymore. She went into her own room at about 11months so I don't think it's a given that they will still be in the parents bed at 5. And even if they are if the parents are happy with that why should they be judged....

@peoplearemean

1. Cosleeping doesn't automatically mean doing it until they leave for uni.

2.she might love cosleeping with her 5yo.

3.if OP was a dick like she has been on here, the friend had all the right to be "patronising ".

@RebelRogue I don't think OP is a dick at all. She had a hard time, her friend asked her how the nights were and she gave an honest account and her friend patronisingly called her "ridiculous". Not a great "friend" and to be honest that would get my back up.

It's not just a problem if you accidentally fall asleep, there's a proven correlation between planned co-sleeping with a baby and suffocating them (which my paediatrician DSis says usually gets classified as SIDS to spare the parents the guilt).

Mmmm. NHS states that about 300 babies die per year from SIDS, so it’s incredibly rare. I did some volunteering work with someone who’s job it was to investigate these types of deaths. They said that they had never, ever in their whole career come across a death that was just a breastfeeding mother planned co sleeping. There are always other factors involved (alcohol, drugs, smoking, passing out of the sofa).

I think it’s fine to state your choices and expect not to be judged by a friend, but truthfully I think they probably did have a point.

OP I never would have shared a bed with my first baby. I used to stare at my phone to keep myself awake. I understand your fear, they send you home from hospital with leaflets telling you not to co sleep, everyone tells you not to do it and you are terrified.

Then I had my second child The second one would only sleep on me. I really mean that. I tried to stay awake the first few nights so I wouldn’t kill her. After a week I was seeing things that weren’t there. I now had a toddler to care for too. So I co slept. All was well! She slept, I slept a funny kind of sleep where I never moved a single muscle. At no point did I nearly crush her, in my sleep I knew where she was and kept her safe. Don’t know how it works but it did. After that experience it now seems mad to me that I didn’t co sleep with my first, when we are so knackered and need rest, all the sleep guidelines seem to ensure we don’t get any?

Anyways I can see it both ways, but I think you could be less dogmatic when it comes to parenting. Your friend probably felt attacked and reacted as people do under attack.

@peoplearemean I have a distinct feeling that the OP was called ridiculous for talking about the 100 of babies that do not die due to planned cosleeping to a mother who just admitted that she cosleep.

Yanbu. I never co-slept not because Of your worry but because I'm a terrible terrible sleeper and babies in my bed will make it worse. I would have gone mad with sleep deprivation if I shared with them so I got up instead.
I would get up 100 times a night to soothe if necessary rather than co-sleep and this Was my choice. It is nothing to do with a high horse and everything to do with personal choice.

Yanbu

Co sleeping I find terrifying

@peoplearemean I said IF. If it was "oh it was horrendous..I was exhausted had to do x,y,z" and the friend replied like that fair enough,not a good friend.
But IF OP started with the "hundreds of babies being resuscitated and docs lie it's SIDS to relieve guilt from parents" then "get off your high horse" comments are perfectly reasonable.

And to the naysayers - no matter how safely you sleep, co-sleeping before 6 months is still more dangerous than a baby sleeping in its own cot. This is borne out by evidence, you can Google it if you need more info.

Hmmm that’s factually incorrect.

Please see this evidence based leaflet from UNICEF which as you can see is also endorsed by the Lullaby trust