To think my attempts to avoid co-sleeping were not "ridiculous"?

[AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered]

DS was a horrendous sleeper from birth - for the first 3 months of his life he slept no more than 45 minutes at a time, and wanted to bf constantly. To avoid co-sleeping whilst shattered (a dangerous risk of suffocating the baby accidentally) I used to pace around the room, sit upright with no backrest, and (when I was close to falling asleep) snap an elastic band on my wrist to keep me awake.

I never usually discuss this with friends, horses for courses etc. but a friend of mine has a baby 7months younger than DS (who is 10 months old now) and asked me what the nights were like. I was honest and explained what I'd been through to me be told that I was "ridiculous" and should "get off my high horse" because most parents co-sleep.

AIBU to be upset and to think that no, most parents do not co-sleep when shattered because it's unsafe?!

Just being devil’s advocate but it could be that OP is being defensive about her choice and explaining why she’s made it on her understanding of evidence because it’s been dismissed as “ridiculous” (presumably unnecessary), rather than being judgemental

I felt the same way when people kept trying to get me to eat things like rare meat and Brie in pregnancy by saying the advice is all nonsense - I recognised the risk was low but still really didn’t want to take it and felt frustrated that those trying to influence me didn’t understand what the actual risks were (ie toxoplasmosis in rare meat, not just food poisoning) I wasn’t judgemental of those who chose to but felt annoyed that I was being treated as neurotic for quite simply following NHS advice

As you can see it clearly states 50% of SIDS deaths happen to babies sleeping in their cot and the other 50% to babies cosleeping. However 90% of the coskeeping deaths were caused by preventable hazardous situations

Review of the evidence

www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/news-and-research/baby-friendly-research/infant-health-research/infant-health-research-bed-sharing-infant-sleep-and-sids/

I don’t understand why this link keeps redirecting to unicef soccer aid?!

Anyway if you google unicef cosleeping you can find the page directly

www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/news-and-research/baby-friendly-research/infant-health-research/infant-health-research-bed-sharing-infant-sleep-and-sids/

Mine's redirecting even when I go from google. Looks like some kind of promotion gone wrong. Their website is terrible to navigate even when I go to their home page and use their own search. Might have to wait a few days which is a shame because I know this data and evidence is good.

DSis says she would NEVER co-sleep with a pre-6 month old because she's had to try to resuscitate so many babies needlessly

Nice way to scare new co-sleeping mothers! I didn’t think you were ridiculous before, but I do now. And you do come across like a martyr..slapping rubber bands on your wrist to keep you awake? Ffs. Do you want a medal?

I co-slept with all 3 of my newborns upto 3/4 years, and my mum did it with 4 kids. In our culture everyone co-sleeps with their babies. Your sister is an idiot for telling stupid scare stories like that to a pregnant/new mother. You all sound like a bunch of scare mongering drama llamas.

I don't judge anyone who cosleeps but I couldn't myself with a newborn, different when they're older.

Someone up thread said mammals cosleep and don't suffocate their young... They do though, I have two cats who did have a third sibling who was accidently suffocated by its mother. Pandas do this regularly as well I believe.

I think I'm our evolutionary past cosleeping was safer, we were sleeping on the ground, it was Alot less comfortable so I expect sleep was less deep, no pillows or duvets. It would also be the lesser of two evils when your baby may die of cold without your body heat or be taken by a predator.

That said, I don't know how many cot deaths occur due to cosleeping when there isn't another factor at play (eg alcohol drugs etc).

Can I just ask, does anyone know why it's considered safer to cosleep if your baby is breastfed rather than bottle? I see it in all the leaflets but I don't understand why?

cosleeping.nd.edu/frequently-asked-questions/#Q7

Another good read re: safe cosleeping

Also talks about classification of SIDS vs suffocation in death certificate etc

neuroanthropology.net/2008/12/21/cosleeping-and-biological-imperatives-why-human-babies-do-not-and-should-not-sleep-alone/

I used the cot which had a dropped side that you could hook up again easily next to the bed, so you could feed in your bed, then put baby back without getting out of bed. It was safer than co sleeping but got much more sleep.

Bertiebotts yes clearly they’ve got their links completely messed up??

Any way I realised after posting it that believeitornot posted a working link to the unicef research page at 21.58 yesterday (half way up the thread) ^^

Btw it has to be the same level as the bed and follow nhs safety advice.
www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-38289298
www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/reducing-risk-cot-death/

@Absofrigginlootly thanks for that. At least some of my guess was right..kinda.

You weren't ridiculous at all - co sleeping is fine if you're following the guidelines to ensure your baby is safe, but you did the right thing given how exhausted you were.

Does this link work?

www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/07/Co-sleeping-and-SIDS-A-Guide-for-Health-Professionals.pdf

Hopefully this link works too??

www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2011/11/Caring-for-your-Baby-at-Night-A-Health-Professionals-Guide.pdf

OP I would love to read any links you have which shows a proven link between planned cosleeping and suffocation.

That’s not being sarky, I’m genuinely interested to read it/them

givemesteel you’re right in that in the past we slept on the floor and without duvets/pillows. Safe co-sleeping should be without pillows and duvets. This is where I think lots of people see bed sharing as more unsafe than it is/should be. I would definitely not use a duvet with a newborn, even if placed far down the bed. I used sheets and a giant cellular type blanket. I did use a small flat pillow though which is obviously less safe than no pillow but I decided to take that risk. Lots of people also move their mattress onto the floor.

There is also a difference in bedsharing a co-sleeping in a side crib attached to the bed. I imagine lots of people use the side crib but the baby ends up in the bed some of the time and then the bed isn’t set up safely for bed sharing.

This is also interesting in describing the contact between mother and baby when observed co-sleeping and the difference in babies breathing etc when comparing co-sleeping to sleeping in a cot.
www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/sleep-problems/co-sleeping-yes-no-sometimes

Yes we had no pillows and no duvets. I had a light blanket covering me. Baby was in a sleeping bag. Sometimes early morning around 6, the 18m old comes for a snuggle still. (The 6 year old is all arms and legs now) and it’s lovely. Nope not broody at all!

Overlaying and accidentally killing a baby does happen. It is pretty rare but I believe that everyone knows themselves. If you feel that it is dangerous to co sleep in your case, you probably are right. If you feel that it is safe you are probably right as well. There is no "one size fits all" and no perfect method. Every family is different.

I had the sidecar with DS1 and still had the bed set up - will do the same for DS2.

I do keep pillows but do that C-shape arm barrier thing so he can't wriggle up to them. I keep the duvet too but only behind my back and then between my legs which means it can't come up any further. Again C-shape position means he couldn't wriggle down. It's more of a comfort thing than using it for covering. Cellular blanket over me and baby. I did not feel it necessary to move the bed to the floor, as the sidecar cot acted as a bed guard, although DS1 did roll out of bed once when I left him unattended and in hindsight too close to the other edge.

which my paediatrician DSis says usually gets classified as SIDS to spare the parents the guilt)

DSis says she would NEVER co-sleep with a pre-6 month old because she's had to try to resuscitate so many babies needlessly

Paediatrician here. You are talking total and utter garbage and I would place bets on the fact that you don't have a paediatrician in the family or you've drawn this conclusion yourself.

First of all, SIDS is extremely rare. When it does occur, babies have sadly died before parents have realised. In the very very few cases where a baby has been spotted going blue but still alive, they only survive if parents commence CPR and then paramedics continue. For an otherwise healthy baby to go through all that, reach hospital and still require resuscitation by a paediatrician is even more rare. Unless your 'sister' has been practising for more than 40 years, it is impossible she's done this more than once in her career

As for classification, we cannot classify anything incorrectly to spare parents guilt. It's against the law and we would lost our registration. If a baby died from suffocation because they were co-sleeping, that's the cause of death. No contest.

You weren't happy to co-sleep. That's fine, your child, your choice. Don't patronise and ridicule others for their choices to justify yours as it's pathetic. As others have said, an exhausted parent who can't function or drive safely can be far more dangerous than one who co-sleeps with planning and in line with guidance.

Great response Riddles!

Amen Riddles! Notice the OP hasn't been back with any more 'hard and fast' evidence...