To think my attempts to avoid co-sleeping were not "ridiculous"?

[AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered]

DS was a horrendous sleeper from birth - for the first 3 months of his life he slept no more than 45 minutes at a time, and wanted to bf constantly. To avoid co-sleeping whilst shattered (a dangerous risk of suffocating the baby accidentally) I used to pace around the room, sit upright with no backrest, and (when I was close to falling asleep) snap an elastic band on my wrist to keep me awake.

I never usually discuss this with friends, horses for courses etc. but a friend of mine has a baby 7months younger than DS (who is 10 months old now) and asked me what the nights were like. I was honest and explained what I'd been through to me be told that I was "ridiculous" and should "get off my high horse" because most parents co-sleep.

AIBU to be upset and to think that no, most parents do not co-sleep when shattered because it's unsafe?!

Its not unsafe if done correctly. I was shown in hospital by a midwife how to co sleep. Best thing I ever did.

I think people should be careful not to tell struggling parents that they are doing it all wrong and if only they did x all their troubles would go away, and they especially should not tell parents that all their troubles are really their own fault for not doing x. Because that's a really shitty thing to do.

Co sleeping works for some people and not for others. It comes with some risk but so do other approaches. We used controlled crying with ds and it worked really well for us, but I'd be really careful recommending it because it was a total failure with dd.

Co sleeping didn't work for us because I couldn't sleep with ds in the same room let alone the same bed as his noises made me hyper alert. Attempting feeding him lying down led to a bed full of milk so that wasn't a good option either. dd required hours of upright jiggling to go to sleep, having her in bed didn't stop her screaming so wasn't a solution. So we muddled through like most parents do and luckily after a while they went to sleep and stayed asleep and so we did too.

I coslept. The NHS midwives in my unit recommended it. As long as the rules are followed its fantastic

You are certainly not ridiculous, but if you had co-slept (strictly adhering to safe co-sleeping guidelines!) you would very likely have got more sleep and found things a bit more bearable. Being tired to the point of exhaustion could also be a potential danger to you or your baby, as you are more likely to have an accident, fall asleep at the wheel etc.

I use a cosleeping cot and it's fantastic. Can I just ask, does anyone know why it's considered safer to cosleep if your baby is breastfed rather than bottle? I see it in all the leaflets but I don't understand why?

I co slept in the maternity ward. First after delivery in the recovery room for a few hours and then a couple of times in the ward.Not that I did much sleeping.
Set on having DD in her cot/moses basket. As a result no one slept. We did end up co sleeping but I was an insanely light sleeper and always aware of where she was. It helped that OH left the whole bed to us when I did bring her in.

The thing is, if you presented your friends with the things you said on here, I can understand why she got defensive. You might have a point but you sound fairly judgmental and blaming.

Coslept from a month old, still cosleeping at 2.5 years old. No regrets. I automatically woke up if ever he wriggled down and curled myself around him in my sleep.
There are safe cosleeping guidelines and if followed correctly the risk is as low as in a cot. I actually worried more when he was in Moses basket as he would tend to sleep on his front whereas with me he would cuddle up.

It's not proven that safe co sleeping increases the risks- the studies which show this don't separate out safe and unsafe practices. We'll never have definitive research which separates the two out because SIDS is now thankfully so rare it's not possible to study.

What is clear is that co-sleeping, planned or not, has many many more potential things to go wrong. A cot is specifically designed to avoid sleep hazards for young babies. An adults bed is not so it is down to you as the adult to be aware of them and mitigate them.

I'm a huge co sleeping advocate and did it for ideological reasons rather than necessity but I'm the first to admit there are risks and everyone should be aware. "Other mammals" tend to be animals and not sleeping in clothing, in highly constructed beds in centrally heated homes, they do not take medicines or drugs or smoke, they sleep when they are tired according to instinct and do not artificially stay awake according to social customs. And some of them overlay their babies too.

I feel safe when co sleeping as for me the benefits outweigh the risks but if you don't feel it's worth it, it's not ridiculous to avoid it.

I co-slept with both of mine. It saved my sanity. I pooped them beside me and breastfed and slept. I have several friends that did/do too.

I was advised to the first time by my midwife, it wouldn't have occurred to me otherwise, but I am so glad I did.

As long as you're sensible - I can't see the problem.

research listed by unicef

@Tillytrotter123 I think because in general bf babies tend to feed/wake more often and also full,leaky breasts get uncomfortable so the mum might wake more often too.
Possibly also because some people might be tempted to prop the bottle and fall back asleep.

It's just what I think though,not scientific research.

Another one here who was advised on how to do it safely by my midwife since "she'll end up in your bed anyway". FWIW I think new parents do all sorts of things that from the outside seem ridiculous, but when you're sleep-deprived/on the receiving end of hours of screaming you do what you need to do to get through.

“there's a proven correlation between planned co-sleeping with a baby and suffocating them“

Is there? Link, please.

It is very rare, for a mother to suffocate a baby whilst consleeping. Has it ever even happened (when mother is not drunk or on drugs?) i am pretty sure its never happened. So for that reason I think you’re being “ridiculous” but you’re not ridiculous at all really because every new mum has some worries and this was obviously yours.

We never co-slept for similar reasons to you, DS is 1 and it got better but for the first few months he had a milk allergy and very rarely slept day or night so we didn't dare co-sleep just in case. People get easily offended though and lash out so try not to take it personally

I did want to co sleep, DH didn't as a girl from his sixth form (over 20years ago) rolled onto her baby and the baby died.
So the only time I done it was when DH was away for the night and I woke up more with DS kicking and snoring.
Each to there own, your friend is probably exhausted so I wouldn't take it personally.

Rebelrouge - thank you, yes I suppose that makes sense.

Not ridiculous, but I slept with all 4 of mine (1 at a time! 😂) in the crook of my elbow. It's impossible to roll on them like that. When I rolled, they rolled with me and I put them in the other elbow.

It's not unsafe to co-sleep, it's the biological norm, like breastfeeding.

You were ridiculous.

which my paediatrician DSis says usually gets classified as SIDS to spare the parents the guilt

I was feeling vaguely sympathetic towards you until you posted this absolute bullshit comment.

As with most things in parenting, it's personal choice. You're clearly asking for people to justify what you did because you've decided what your friend did is wrong, instead of just accepting you've both taken different but equally valid attitudes towards sleepless nights with a young baby.

I co slept with all mine. Mine fed every hour on and off through the night. My husband was in a different room and I didnt drink or smoke. I slept on my side curled round the baby who to be honest seemed to just feed off and on without waking me too much. I would never recommend it as I know it is unsafe but it was the only way I could sleep and function the next day. It felt natural and safe to me.

@Tillytrotter123 babies who are bottlefed fall into a different sleep, much deeper as their bodies have to work harder to digest the milk and ff babies are less easy to arouse (possibly contributing to higher risk of SIDS). The hormones produced when breastfeeding are also thought to make you more aware/more responsive to your baby.
www.isisonline.org.uk/hcp/how_babies_sleep/normal_sleep_development/sleep_and_feeding/

Countries where they co-sleep as routine have some of the lowest SIDS rates in the world. I think there is a big difference in co-sleeping planned from the start rather than co-sleeping through desperation because you’re exhausted.

Cheby absolutely not, her baby, her choice - and MY baby MY choice.

And to the naysayers - no matter how safely you sleep, co-sleeping before 6 months is still more dangerous than a baby sleeping in its own cot. This is borne out by evidence, you can Google it if you need more info.

a few months of sleep deprivation are better than a dead baby.

✔️Ridiculous
✔️Sensationalist
✔️Catastrophic Thinking

Are you feeling quite well, op?

And YY I support a harm reduction approach is making people aware of how they can co-sleep in a safer way rather than risk unplanned cosleeping, which it sounds like the OP may have been close to, and which is many, many times more unsafe.